lil'bit

I'm back, after a long absence. (Just reactivated my account, and cannot post replies yet, not sure why...???)

I'm at a real turning point right now in my life. I've been with my husband for 5 1/2 years, and his drinking has been the main bone of contention throughout our entire marriage. I posted and read here for a while a couple of years ago, and that helped me navigate myself out of the crazy co-dependent cycle I was in at the time --- but the drinking has remained a problem. I used to drink with him sometimes -- but in February of this year, I was diagnosed with chronic Lyme disease and related co-infections, and because of the meds I am on, I can no longer drink alcohol at all. (That has actually been a blessing, as I like my life better without it, and have no desire to drink again.) I listed a sobriety date, even though I was not addicted to alcohol, I did drink pretty regularly for a while there -- so I guess that counts.

I finally, this month, laid down the ultimatum with him -- stop drinking, or I leave. I never said that before, because I was never ready to actually take the step to do that.... now, the emotional pain is too great for me to stay anymore. the chronic stress is also not helping my physical health any, to say the least.

He's been "trying" to drink less -- we have actually had a few nights when he didn't drink at all -- but he hasn't gone into recovery. I know that without recovery, he's not likely to succeed at this -- and I am living with a sometimes dry drunk at the moment. I do love him, a great deal... but that isn't enough, sadly.

I'm rather ashamed to say this, but the reason I stopped posting here before was that my husband started reading what I wrote, and it led to a lot of fights. I no longer care if he reads it.

If it weren't for my physical health problems, I'd be a lot more willing to move out right now... but as it is, I am struggling a lot with the decision. The meds I'm on cost over $3000 a month, and without insurance, I won't be able to afford them at all. I'm still working, but I know this disease can be completely disabling, and that is scary. I live in chronic daily physical pain (I have for years and years) -- I do take pain meds when necessary, but they don't get rid of the pain.. they just dull it a bit. Thankfully, the low doses I take do not affect me cognitively or emotionally, at least that I can tell. They certainly don't dull the emotional pain, though I think the antidepressant I take (also for physical pain) does dull it a bit. Hard to say.

Emotionally, I'm more than willing to go it on my own -- I've done it before and that doesn't scare me. What does scare me is that I may not have the physical stamina to keep working enough to support myself -- but that is a risk I may just have to take. I have a wonderfully fulfilling professional life, and the toll from having to stop working would be immense... so I am praying that I can continue the work.

The cards are on the table -- I'm not lying to myself, to him, or to his family anymore. (My own family is too screwed up for any kind of honesty... long story.) I'm facing the unknown, and I hope I can do it with a brave and stalwart heart.

If I leave, I plan to do it on my own... as in, not seek alimony. I have no desire to go down that road. We don't have any kids, thank goodness, so it is just me and a couple of birds that I would need to support. Still, cost of living in the SF bay area is very high, so even that is daunting. Not to mention the medical bills....yikes.

Anyhow, I wanted to say hi, and let you know that I am here. I will start replying to posts when I can. I'm not formally in recovery, but am going to start going to Al-Anon. Whether or not this marriage survives, I obviously need it -- this is the second relationship in a row in which my partner has been an addict. I didn't grow up in an alcoholic family, but I can see where the dynamics in my family of origin set me up for this.... fodder for the work, I think.

Zoey

lil"bit, Nice to have you back. Sounds like you have learned well about the disease.
Perhaps your health would improve if you left?? Pain is hard, but harder with someone around in my opinion. Just my 2 cents.

lil'bit

Thanks so much for the welcome back (and thanks, mods, for fixing my account!)

I just had a long and very honest talk with him, and he has agreed to call a rehab program on Monday. I'm trying not to get my hopes up too high -- he's still very much on the fence about it --- but for a moment I saw a glimmer of the man I love so much.

Yes, physical pain is hard -- but I've learned to live with it. The emotional pain is another matter -- and I have no doubt that I have to end that, for my health and my sanity. If he honestly goes into recovery, I am more than willing to endure the ups and downs that will inevitably come with it (and work my own program, of course.) I'd be happy to be able to be a support he could lean on.

If he doesn't, then I really do have to go...

The physical pain would actually be much easier to bear with a loving and present partner by my side. A drunk partner, however, just makes it worse.

Please keep us in your prayers.

denny57

hi lil'bit

welcome back!

I'm sorry you're going through this. You're right, stress upon stress plus the pain of living with alcoholism is awful.

Time will tell if he chooses recovery. Only you can decide the time limit you'll make for yourself. On that side of it, you could probably get a couple year's alimony to help you out - something you might want to look into is purchasing disability insurance - since I'm self employed I've always had that. There's loads of info out there and I found it easier by choosing only 1 thing to concentrate on at a time. It can seem overwhelming when making a difficult life choice, harder when alcoholism is involved.

Good luck and keep posting. Glad you're here.

lil'bit

Thanks, folks, for being here for me right now. After our talk, husband got quite drunk and is now thrashing around in the bed and snorting, making it impossible to sleep (he's out cold).

I have an art business, so thanks for the disability insurance tip. I should get it pronto, I think. God willing, I'll never need to use it... but it might ease the mind a bit.

I don't think I want to pursue alimony if I do leave, though I certainly could. Husband has a lot of stuff wrapped up around money as it is -- he feels like a financial failure (he's not, actually) and has resented the heck out of the fact that he has largely supported me financially while I finished graduate school and the internship that followed. I'm only now getting to a point where my income is even worth bothering with... and I have gotten no end of grief about that.

Really, I'd rather just walk away as cleanly as possible. I'll hoe my garden, he can hoe his.

I think I am going to head over to the couch soon and see if I can get to sleep there... I've been having a lot of insomnia lately (probably related to my physical illness, but the anxiety doesn't help) so I guess we'll see if I can actually conk out.

This sucks.

I want to believe he will actually go to rehab, but I don't have much ability left to trust....