Struggling today (long)

Old 10-27-2006, 12:50 PM
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Unhappy Struggling today (long)

Hello, everyone. I've been clean and sober for 7 years. Made the huge mistake of becoming involved with someone in early recovery (a chronic relapser) a year ago, and now I've been to two Al-Anon meetings. I find myself feeling at peace with the situation sometimes, and other times very sad and angry and hurt.

I met this man in a treatment center where a sponsee of mine was. He got out of treatment, relapsed and had his extended revision revoked. I initially saw him at the jail at his request to give him my thoughts on his legal situation (I'm an attorney) and also for some AA words of wisdom. Fast forward to six months when we have genuinely fallen in love (I believe). We planned to live together (against my better judgment) when he was released until I told him if he drank he would have to move out. He was irate, said he didn't think he could meet my expectations and started seeing an ex-girlfriend after he was released to a halfway house. He continued to call me even after I asked him to leave me alone.

They rented an apartment together after he got out of the halfway house. He basically supports her and her two kids (she doesn't have job for some reason). He still kept calling me though! He finally called me drunk, saying he made a mistake, didn't love this woman but felt trapped (she's not pregnant so I don't know what that means), loved me, yadda yadda. I told him to stick with her and changed my phone number but then broke down and called him a month later because I missed him so much. (I guess I thought he if really loved me he'd leave her.) We kept in communication for a month at that point (talked several times a day) until I said we needed to ease up or I would get too attached. He didn't feel he could leave her for some reason. I stopped calling him but he called me once a week for a couple weeks after that. I called him the next week but got really angry with him for being insensitive about something. Neither of us called the next week, then he saw me out with a bunch of AA people at a restaurant. He called soon thereafter and said we shouldn't talk anymore, that he felt really guilty when he saw me at the restaurant, "You're awesome and beautiful, but I can't cheat on her." (All we were doing was talking anyway, no sex or anything) WTF?! How could he go from "I love you, want to be with you and not her" to "We better not talk anymore?" When I calmly said I understood even though I didn't, he changed his mind and said, "Well, we can still talk as friends."

After a month of neither of us calling, it hurt so much that I decided we better not talk at all, even as "friends," so I called him and told him. He calmly said okay, and that's where we're at now.

He volunteered that he hasn't had a drink in 4 months - - not sure if I believe him. I don't think the new gf cares if he drinks and has no concept of enabling, "loving too much," etc. Anyway, like I said, I'm either at peace or so, so sad, feeling rejected, unappreciated, used and unloved. Lots of crying and obsessing/analyzing. How could things change so fast? There are only 2 Al-Anon meetings a week around here I can make it to, so I'm grateful for this site. I know I'm sick - - my next post won't be as long! Thx so much for "listening!"

Last edited by justme2007; 10-27-2006 at 01:10 PM.
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Old 10-27-2006, 01:18 PM
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Originally Posted by justme2007
Hello, everyone. I've been clean and sober for 7 years. Made the huge mistake of becoming involved with someone in early recovery (a chronic relapser) a year ago, and now I've been to two Al-Anon meetings. I find myself feeling at peace with the situation sometimes, and other times very sad and angry and hurt.

I met this man in a treatment center where a sponsee of mine was. He got out of treatment, relapsed and had his extended revision revoked. I initially saw him at the jail at his request to give him my thoughts on his legal situation (I'm an attorney) and also for some AA words of wisdom. Fast forward to six months when we have genuinely fallen in love (I believe). We planned to live together (against my better judgment) when he was released until I told him if he drank he would have to move out. He was irate, said he didn't think he could meet my expectations and started seeing an ex-girlfriend after he was released to a halfway house. He continued to call me even after I asked him to leave me alone.

They rented an apartment together after he got out of the halfway house. He basically supports her and her two kids (she doesn't have job for some reason). He still kept calling me though! He finally called me drunk, saying he made a mistake, didn't love this woman but felt trapped (she's not pregnant so I don't know what that means), loved me, yadda yadda. I told him to stick with her and changed my phone number but then broke down and called him a month later because I missed him so much. (I guess I thought he if really loved me he'd leave her.) We kept in communication for a month at that point (talked several times a day) until I said we needed to ease up or I would get too attached. He didn't feel he could leave her for some reason. I stopped calling him but he called me once a week for a couple weeks after that. I called him the next week but got really angry with him for being insensitive about something. Neither of us called the next week, then he saw me out with a bunch of AA people at a restaurant. He called soon thereafter and said we shouldn't talk anymore, that he felt really guilty when he saw me at the restaurant, "You're awesome and beautiful, but I can't cheat on her." (All we were doing was talking anyway, no sex or anything) WTF?! How could he go from "I love you, want to be with you and not her" to "We better not talk anymore?" When I calmly said I understood even though I didn't, he changed his mind and said, "Well, we can still talk as friends."

After a month of neither of us calling, it hurt so much that I decided we better not talk at all, even as "friends," so I called him and told him. He calmly said okay, and that's where we're at now.

He volunteered that he hasn't had a drink in 4 months - - not sure if I believe him. I don't think the new gf cares if he drinks and has no concept of enabling, "loving too much," etc. Anyway, like I said, I'm either at peace or so, so sad, feeling rejected, unappreciated, used and unloved. Lots of crying and obsessing/analyzing. How could things change so fast? There are only 2 Al-Anon meetings a week around here I can make it to, so I'm grateful for this site. I know I'm sick - - my next post won't be as long! Thx so much for "listening!"

I would say if you are feeling rejected,unappreciated, used and unloved than you probably are BEING those things.

He's playing mind games, manipulative hook and dangle games with you.

For your sake move on.

Ngaire
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Old 10-27-2006, 01:37 PM
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Well, I guess I'm trying to move on for good now. It has been an extremely unhealthy relationship, almost an addiction. I gave him so much, and all he did was lie. He admits he is a liar and a cheater, so I give him that. I just don't get how anyone can be so messed up. My new "rule" is I won't date anyone in the Program unless he's had one continuous year of sobriety and actually WORKING the Program (i.e., have done a 4th and 5th step at a minimum) WITH a sponsor.

When he got out of prison, he didn't go to a single AA meeting. When I sent him a sample 4th step in prison, he didn't say a word about it. I guess no bottom is too low for him. He seemed so dedicated to AA when we first met (unless that was a snow job too - - it probably was). I know he lied to the new girlfriend about me too. She is only going to get burned . . .
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Old 10-27-2006, 02:00 PM
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Serious mind games. To say that you shouldn't talk anymore and then change it into "well, we can still talk as friends" in the same breath--huh?! Loves you but can't leave his girlfriend--did you by any chance see a gun to his head? Was he restrained in any way? Was the woman strapped to his back? In any case, in my humble opinion, moving on is an excellent decision. These games will inflict some damage on your psychological well being.

To be honest, Justme, if I was in your situation, I would not even make any rules re: dating--I would stay away from the program completely and seek relationships elsewhere.
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Old 10-27-2006, 02:28 PM
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Yeah, I think it's more "doesn't want to" leave than "can't." I think he's afraid to be alone - - and will fall apart if he doesn't have some woman to take care of him, plus he doesn't have a driver's license. (What a winner, huh?!) I think the main thing is he can't stop drinking, and she will put up with his sh*t and drive him around, whereas he knows I wouldn't. "Alcoholism trumps love" is what I heard at an Al-anon meeeting this week.

I don't know . . . I feel like your average non-alchoholic/addict would be too judgmental of my past (messed things up pretty good when I was in my disease) and would prefer a non-alcoholic. Very hard for non-alcoholics to truly understand why we do/did what we do. But yes, alcoholics have a lot of issues, which makes for a disasterous relationship when two of them get together!!!!!
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Old 10-27-2006, 06:21 PM
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Justme,

Look at the alcoholic you got involved with.............not even sober.

Don't beat yourself up by lumping all of them together. Some do actually have a program.

Ngaire
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Old 10-28-2006, 04:01 AM
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good morning justme
does this situation feel familiar to you? do you recognize any of his behaviors, actions, words, from when you were in active addiction?

your sobriety is the most important thing. please guard it with care.
god bless
jeri
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Old 10-29-2006, 08:04 PM
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I, too, think you should seek relationships outside of AA.
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Old 10-30-2006, 08:32 AM
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does this situation feel familiar to you? do you recognize any of his behaviors, actions, words, from when you were in active addiction?

Good point! Whenever I have a resentment against someone, my AA sponsor asks me to remember how I treated people when I was in my disease. She calls it "righteous anger." To continue with my disease, I certainly did not treat people very well because it was "all about me." Sometimes we AAs like to block that out. Thanks for the reminder!
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