an'ka

So, a week and a half after I kicked AH out of my apartment, he is at the hospital. He was picked up by the state troopers with a BAL of .475 (!), somehow managed to bail himself out of jail, and was driven to the emergency room, where he checked himself in on his own. So far, so good.

Today, he is calling me, saying that he is done drinking and is planning to enter detox and treatment. He needs my support, because I am his wife, blah, blah, blah. His parents are coming to town to help him get into a residential program and want me to be there during the discussion. I told AH to count me out. Said in no unclear terms that I am done, want a divorce, and am moving on. He actually had the audacity to call my bluff, stating that I will not go through with the divorce because I love him. That, more than anything, sent me into the anger stratosphere. He invited me to start a "pissing match" with regards to child custody, get the laywers involved (who is funding that, I wonder), etc. The bottom line, he flatly refused to sign papers.
I am beside myself! The selfish jerk wants to start a p__ match, when he has been homeless, unemployed, AND hardly even knows our 2 year old! I'll go run around the building now, trying to burn off the anger.

deax

Yep, I've heard variations of this too and it was infuriating. Partially because he really WAS calling my bluff (I wasn't ready to leave amost any of the times I said it) and because it's a kick in the gut when people are clever enough to use your love for them as a weapon against you. A classic maneuver.

Take it easy and just one day at a time for now. Try not to even bother arguing with him at this time.

Cynay

Well its working....... You are now thinking about him, you are angry and he is controling you at the moment. That is what he wants.

Come on hon, think about it.... if you do you might have to sit down cuz you will be laughing too hard. No one can make you stay married, he does not have to sign papers. There is no p---- match over Childsupport it is court ordered and collected by the state.... they set the amount as well so no issue there. There is no custody issue since he really cant fight you for it with no job, no home and no relationship to speak of with the child.... So no issue there. Actually its rather sad to listen to them make threats and have fits because they are not getting what they want.

You did really good at not getting caught up in the chaos of his recovery, actions speak louder then words for sure.... You might want to consider no contact if he can push your buttons so easily .... that is what I had to do till I could learn to change the buttons so he did not know what worked.

Take care of you... you in a good place and just keep the focus on you.

denny57

When you say he called your bluff, were you bluffing?

an'ka

No contact is definitely the right choice for me. I never realize just how much anger I carry in my body until I talk to AH. Nowadays, I think it's hearing the same old promises for the 100th time, as well as his blind insistence that I should not only believe him but be there to offer love and support, that blows my gasket. In any case, I wished AH the best of luck in his recovery efforts, and told him not to call me. Reminded him that no, we cannot be friends, and no, even if he refuses to sign divorce papers, our relationship is over.
Boy, he really does a fantastic job pushing my buttons, doesn't he?

an'ka

Denny57, definitely not bluffing.

Cynay

Yep ... he sure does have you figured out.... Gotta love button pushers.

I can say that cuz I use to be a master at pushing my ex-abf's buttons. Not that Im proud of that today but you know what they say.

If a child can not get positive attention.... next best thing is negative attention..... that way at least someone is paying attention. When I get to the point that Im losing it that bad I have to step back... something is wrong inside of me and that little girl in there has been triggered... So she throws a fit....

*hugs* I know its easier said then done.

mallowcup

I would get an attorney and start proeedings, it may seem that he has enough going on but...he may as well get ass't and a realistic plan in place. I would sever all contact including with his parents. He will have 100% time and attetnion to devote to sobriety plan. The lawyers and the judge can hash over support and a settlement. If you want to be taken seriously, say what you mean and mean what you say. Why wait and why continue talking to him.