JT's ramblings...
Supply Manager
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
JT's ramblings...
Hi,
Having gone back looking at my life a number of times I find a very prominent common denominator that has led me to where I am today. Reacting.
I reacted to my fathers mental, emotional and physical abuse of my brother by trying to tell my brother how to act to avoid my father's wrath. Little Miss Fix It was born. My brother got bigger than me and would have no more of it so...
I began to try to fix my sister who had emotional problems. When my mother was going to send her to relatives to live I reacted by offering to take her in myself.
I reacted to my parents divorce by hanging with the hipsters and moving in the sex, drugs and rock and roll crowd of the 60's.
I reacted to two new step parents by getting married myself and having the Beav.
After I was divorced I met Ward and we married and I began to react to his relationship with the Beav, which is what drove me to the brink of a padded cell.
My thought on all this is that I spent most of my life merely bouncing off the events around me. And in the process I pulled a very noncodependent man into my chaos. After my GS's mother died last spring I was having some really morbid thoughts about all of this and I apologized to Ward for bringing him into my personal hell. I can take this all the way and say the Beav may not have been here....the Beavette's mom...she may have been spared. Now THAT is morbid and that is not where I am going.
There IS a point here...our lives can be shaped by such small events. And there is no way we can see around the corner...all I can do today is not continue to be rocked by the storm. Not say things or act in haste. To make myself as healthy and whole as I can be so that the remainder of my life is not lived in reaction to things I can't control. I have been bounced around enough for one lifetime...
peace amid the storm!
JT
Having gone back looking at my life a number of times I find a very prominent common denominator that has led me to where I am today. Reacting.
I reacted to my fathers mental, emotional and physical abuse of my brother by trying to tell my brother how to act to avoid my father's wrath. Little Miss Fix It was born. My brother got bigger than me and would have no more of it so...
I began to try to fix my sister who had emotional problems. When my mother was going to send her to relatives to live I reacted by offering to take her in myself.
I reacted to my parents divorce by hanging with the hipsters and moving in the sex, drugs and rock and roll crowd of the 60's.
I reacted to two new step parents by getting married myself and having the Beav.
After I was divorced I met Ward and we married and I began to react to his relationship with the Beav, which is what drove me to the brink of a padded cell.
My thought on all this is that I spent most of my life merely bouncing off the events around me. And in the process I pulled a very noncodependent man into my chaos. After my GS's mother died last spring I was having some really morbid thoughts about all of this and I apologized to Ward for bringing him into my personal hell. I can take this all the way and say the Beav may not have been here....the Beavette's mom...she may have been spared. Now THAT is morbid and that is not where I am going.
There IS a point here...our lives can be shaped by such small events. And there is no way we can see around the corner...all I can do today is not continue to be rocked by the storm. Not say things or act in haste. To make myself as healthy and whole as I can be so that the remainder of my life is not lived in reaction to things I can't control. I have been bounced around enough for one lifetime...
peace amid the storm!
JT
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
JT
I have always envied people whose knee-jerk reaction was to run!
When I see a problem, I am the first one to say "I will fix it". And when trouble comes knocking on my door, I invite it in hoping to change it.
My emotions can change in a blink, just because I react to something someone said, regardless of how stupid or unfounded it may be.
And I am learning to now act rather than react. When I take time to think about the situation, I can then "act" responsibly. When I choose to wait or walk away, rather than reacting to a dispute, then I "act" in my own best interest.
In the depth of my codependency, just before I began working a program, my whole life was just a reaction to everyone elses. My mother was dying, my son was using drugs, my husbands business was struggling, and I was so busy reacting to them that I totally lost sight of who I was. I was my sons mother, my husband's wife and my mother's daughter.
Today I am Ann, a precious child of God who is worthy of love and respect. And today Ann has choices, and can love just being her own person.
Thaks for posting this JT. I need the reminder sometimes.
I have always envied people whose knee-jerk reaction was to run!
When I see a problem, I am the first one to say "I will fix it". And when trouble comes knocking on my door, I invite it in hoping to change it.
My emotions can change in a blink, just because I react to something someone said, regardless of how stupid or unfounded it may be.
And I am learning to now act rather than react. When I take time to think about the situation, I can then "act" responsibly. When I choose to wait or walk away, rather than reacting to a dispute, then I "act" in my own best interest.
In the depth of my codependency, just before I began working a program, my whole life was just a reaction to everyone elses. My mother was dying, my son was using drugs, my husbands business was struggling, and I was so busy reacting to them that I totally lost sight of who I was. I was my sons mother, my husband's wife and my mother's daughter.
Today I am Ann, a precious child of God who is worthy of love and respect. And today Ann has choices, and can love just being her own person.
Thaks for posting this JT. I need the reminder sometimes.
Supply Manager
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Lyn,
The Miss Fix-it hat HAS to go! Hat hair is so unattractive.
Now about the shoes...they change from day to day. And I have a variety in my closet.
Bunny Slippers for gentle nudges.
Steel toed boots for protection from giant webbed feet.
Hip waders have double duty. Crawling through the swamp and when the duck poo gets too deep.
Running Shoes for quick escapes.
Hugs,
JT
The Miss Fix-it hat HAS to go! Hat hair is so unattractive.
Now about the shoes...they change from day to day. And I have a variety in my closet.
Bunny Slippers for gentle nudges.
Steel toed boots for protection from giant webbed feet.
Hip waders have double duty. Crawling through the swamp and when the duck poo gets too deep.
Running Shoes for quick escapes.
Hugs,
JT
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