AllTooSober

Everybody always tells us not to protect our addicts from the consequences of their addiction, and this is good advice. I have a problem, though, in that the only consequence my AF suffers, as far as I can see, is that it makes me unhappy. No lost work, no DWIs, no money troubles, no hangovers, even. And, if I'm supposed to NOT react to him and NOT try and convince him to sober up, he suffers no consequences!

Unless you count how he got a teeny piece of rum bottle stuck in his foot a couple days after dropping and breaking it. I mean, I'll pick up a piece of glass if I see it, but I won't sweep the floor for him... is that taking the notion of "no protection from consequences" too far?

I am finding it extremely difficult not to take it upon myself to create consequences for him to suffer. This can't be good.

lostnotfound

My AH never had any consequences to suffer either. He is gainfully employed, no DUI's, never hungover, never seemed to be embarrassed by his behavior while drunk. I was the one suffering from his outbursts, his behavior in front of friends and family etc. Of course he does have a consequence now, and that is the end of our marriage. But...he still will not acknowledge that his drinking and abusiveness is the cause. He keeps telling me that my friends and family have all brainwashed me into it. I don't care anymore what he thinks.

AllTooSober

Wow, that sounds like something I'll probably be able to write in a few months. He already claims he'll "never lose [me] to drinking" and is already coming up with other reasons why I might leave him, like the 40 pounds he's gained, that he's just a rebound guy, quack quack quack. I'm sure if I keep going to al-anon they'll eventually share some blame too.

laurie6781

Just remember, alcoholism progresses, and

are just "YETS". they will happen as the alcoholism progresses.

Nope not at all, let him clean up whatever messes he does make, they will get greater also as time goes on.

Have you tried Al-anon yet. It can help you a lot. We learn how to set boundaries and stick to them, whqatever our individual boundaries may be.

Nope all that will do is hurt you in the long run. Please remember the 3 C's.

You didn't CAUSE it,

You can't CONTROL it, and

You can't CURE it.

Working on ourselves and learning how to change our own actions and reactions seems to work the best.

Being both sober for many years and working on my codie tendancies in alanon has given me the ability to "mean what I say, and say what I mean" ie setting my own boundaries, etc.

Doesn't happen overnight, but I was in great need of Al-anon in addition to my AA program. I have many alkies in my life, both family and those I work with in the AA program. Yep Al-anon has certainly been an asset for me, lol.

Maybe, just maybe, it's time for you to take the focus off of 'him', and put it on yourself........................what are your goals for you? what do you want to do with your life? what type of person would you like to be? etc.

Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing, we do care very much!!

Love and hugs,

AllTooSober

I've been to one al-anon meeting so far, and am planning to hit another one tomorrow night. I'm trying to focus on my own needs these days, but sometimes I think I need to see him suffer from the booze for once, instead of me. It's not very mature, it's not very productive, but sometimes those thoughts do run through my head.

I can tell you, that's not the person I want to be. Nor do I want to be attached to an alcoholic for the rest of my life. If I left him, that'd certainly be a consequence, but not likely one to make him "hit bottom" and finally decide to sober up. He'd rationalize it away I'm sure. But... at least I'd be free.

Cynay

I think we all go through that stage hon.... not to worry so much.

The good news is you saw it and know its not a good place to be and you dont want to be there....

See ... progress not perfection.

denny57

When I met AH 18 years ago, he had none of those things, either. He's 45 now and he's lost his marriage, his health is failing and his work is suffering - hasn't worked since July. It isn't my decision what consequences he will suffer. I'm learning to make choices based on what is for me, not against him.

AllTooSober

Denny you are quite right that nobody can choose the consequences for another, but the temptation to try is quite powerful when one is in the throes of frustration. I know better than to try, fortunately.

The word "yet" can cut both ways, though... he doesn't suffer consequences "yet..." hasn't committed to sobriety "yet..." or hasn't relapsed "yet..."

I've never been one to expect any certainties from life, but the extreme uncertainties here can drive the strongest soul batty. Temporarily, anyway.

deax

I can not even begin to articulate the various ways I have struggled with this question.

Because my ex can't suffer too many consequences either-- in his case because he has so little to lose. How do you create a bottom for someone who's been homeless at one point due to drugs- and even that didn't do it? SOmeone who's boss is such an enabler (and give so little a ****) that he leaves messages on his phone saying, "Don't get ****** up on Tuesday night, I really need you to come in on Wednesday"?

He doesn't take his work seriously, never pays his rent on time anyway, his family is pretty useless, his health is (somehow??) pretty good. So when I first decided to do this no contact for a year plan, I thought I was constructing a consequence or a bottom for him, too. Thought maybe this will be the trick, because I know he loves me, and I know I was just about the only good thing he had.

Know what that does? Sets me up for massive disappointment and resentment if it doesn't happen. And the odds are that it won't. It's essentially the same as what you're doing, and therefore you're running the same risk.

I haven't mastered this. I still tend to think of my future in terms of what he will or won't do, which I got the slap upside the head for in therapy tonight. Still hard for me to put myself first, envision what I want, consider myself worthy enough of being my first priority.

Progress not perfection, thank goodness.

splendra

Believe me he is suffering alot if he is drinking all the time. He is paying in ways you may not see or understand.

I am concerned for the kinds of consequences you may suffer if you do decide to take his consequences into your own hands. Minding our own business can keep us safe indeed...

denny57

You don't, he does it himself.

Alcoholism is a progressive disease. But I guess the question is, how long did I want to wait around for good "yets?" when what I'm living TODAY are bad yets. We all get to where we're goiing in our own time and that time is always just right, for us.

Grasshopper

Eh,why bother making conquences for another,its just not worth,it to you.The ,afteward effects,of your own,guilt,shame,regrets,remorse,and,your involement in it,and all that negitive stuff,who needs it,not you and not me.
Onwards towards recovery.Your just to worthy as a person to get involved in that kind of mucky stuff.
Let go,and let God.

IrshIzNotSmilin

Amen to all these posts. I really get a wierd feeling when I read these and it is deja vu.

marriedithink

It was the yets that I couldn't deal with anymore, I know there are no guarantees but I wanted and needed better odds.

AllTooSober

See this is exactly where I'm headed unless by some miracle he sees the light and takes sobriety seriously, instead of the half-assed attempts and quacking he's been doing up to this point.

CatsTail

Alltoosober,

Don't forget that while he is carrying on in his sickness you have the right and the choice to make decisions about how you want to live.

Ngaire

mallowcup

Sometimes the consequences are ones we cant see. We are made up of flesh and blood. The liver is an organ. The liver recognizes alcohol as a poison. You can't filter alcohol through a liver every day without a consequence. The behavioral and legal consequences can be buffered a million times, but not the long term effects of alcohol on the body. Is it harder to have alot of money and a good job and lose it to alcohol or is it worse to never have had anything and be able to know what it's like to have anything because of alcohol? Is it better to have a wife and children and lose them to alcohol or is it better to have never found a wife or had children because of alcohol? The consequences may be ones we never even know about. All the missed opportunites, the degree to which we love and the degree to which we are loved. Living and dying among a crowd of people who hate us or living and dying alone? Alcohol deprives every single user of something Imagine seeing what God had planned for you and what you missed out on because of alochol. As nonalcoholics we should consider this too. Are we living the life God intended of us? What are we missing out on? Will we lok back and see the life we were supposed to have lived?

deax

Wow, mallow. What a great post. Really hit me in terms of my ex. As I said before, despite all of his potential, he's one of those who never attained much of anything in life due to alcohol and drugs, so there isn't that much for him to "lose." Which is maybe the most unfortunate kind of addict. Sooo unbelievably sad. Also sooo not the life I want-- which is what I need to remember when my heart starts to get the better of me. Thanks for this.

mazey

Sometimes, consequences don't make a difference either! Mine had a couple DUI's. I remember the one, he was crying when they took him to the police station. He was in a near fatal accident a few years ago, on a ventilator for 6 weeks, complications, tore his aorta and crushed his chest. A year or recovery from injuries. Course he doesn't remember alot of it, so easy to deny the seriousness. Within a short time, back to drinking and driving, recently had been almost falling down drunk and slurring his words when he would finally call home while driving here. Okay, so he didn't care what happen to him, BUT what about the family driving home that he may kill? Notta. So, I'm not sure if they have bad consequences that it will make a lasting affect in their lives, if they don't get the message! Oh, yea, he also has lost me! But, now he can do as he wants freely, with no one who cares waiting for him. Or to sit by his bedside for 6 weeks and take care of him when he gets home on oxygen and unable to walk without a walker, or pay the bills during his year of recovery, etc. When the "yet" happens, it affects your life as well, and all the hopes that it will "open" their eyes and make a significant change---NOT always. Do what you need to do for you...
don't spend time on thinking of consequences for him, cuz they may not make a bit of difference. Plus, that's not taking care of you.

mallowcup

We stay sometimes because of the promises we made in marriages. We think it is our failure if we leave, that we have broken our vows, that we left when we promised we'd stay. We have every right to remember te promises made to us. Not every union is blessed by God, some we walk into using our own free will. It's never too late to live the life God wants us to live. Ther is no honor in a relationship where one person uses and abuses the other. There are choices and turns that we didnt' take. There was money that went in the wrong direction, children that were not born and on and on. As an aclohilc prays for help, we may be that opportunity that came and went. We were the opportunity for them to have made different choices. I think each of us will see the way it should have been at the end. Our lives could have gone this way or that way. By realizing this, I think it helps to make wise detachments, not emotional ones.