Dazed&Confused

First let me say that I understand that Al-Anon has helped countless people and I am not demeaning or devaluing that fact at all. I am so glad that so many people receive such positive reinforcement from Al-Anon and find it to be so valuable in their lives.

I couldn't "connect" like many of you were able to.

First of all, I have a problem with the "powerless over alcohol" part. I may be powerless over the alcoholic in my life, but I am not powerless over alcohol, because I am not the alcoholic.

I do not feel comfortable relying on something else, or someone else, for that matter, to correct the situation I find myself in. I acknowledge that I have a huge codependency issue, and by depending on Al-Anon to help me cope means I am exchanging one codepedent relationship for another.

I find more specific direction helpful to me. Although I can always share at the meetings, I cannot ask specific questions and receive specific answers. I want to resolve my relationship, not just cope with it. I want a life FREE of codependent alcoholic dysfunction.

Al-Anon offers great support and helps me cope with my alcoholic relationship, but in order to truly recover, I need resolution.
I need a plan of action to resolve my situation/issues. I want to get better. I personally cannot just stay forever detached and trapped in this relationship if I am unable to see my relationship improving. I need to resolve my codepeendent issues and I do not want to become become too dependent on Al-Anon.

This "detachment" issue is confusing to me because it is, in essence, just a form of "delaying" not "solving".

Bottom line is that it doesn't provide corrective action for me, which is what I am looking for.

Just my personal opinion. I would love to hear your thoughts!

deax

I don't love Al Anon the way many here do either. I did get some important things out of it, but I don't know if it was so much from the f2f aspect as it was from the reading I did on my own. I always have a hard time expressing myself to a room full of strangers, who don't know my history or understand certain things I say about my family in context, for example. It comers out sounding random, then I get upset and cry, and they just don't have a deep enough understanding from the 5 minutes I have to talk. At this point I haven't been to a meeting in about 2 weeks because I've been busy with work and school. I plan to go back eventually, probably this Friday, but it's no longer me forcing myself to get there as a priority. With that said, here's my two cents:

The way I personally understood this was just that MY life had become unmanageable due to someone else's problem with alcohol, I was frustrated, angry and resentful all the time because I thought I could change his relationship with alcohol. In Al Anon I learned I couldn't- when it comes to addiction, alcohol is stronger and much more powerful than I am. In that way, I am powerless over it. Keep in mind that Al Anon's 12 Steps were taken directly from AA, and just applied to the spouses, so some if it is just semantics. The idea is there.

I don't see how Al Anon could be considered a codependent relationship. You go on your own free will, connect with people and exchange numbers when and if you desire, and it's basically for support. No judgments. Which means you are free to live your life any way you see it, and the group will be there to share their experience with you, should you choose to take advice from that in making your own decisions. When I think of a codependent relationship, I think of two entities sort of playing out their own issues using the other. Al Anon doesn't ask anything of us, it's a guide for a more peaceful way of life. For me, I never relied on Al Anon-- I relied on God, and Al Anon helped me do that. So I never felt like I needed the group, rather the groiup taught me that I should rely on God and find my answers within myself. That I can take my time and figure things out, that I wasn't on another person's timetable. The things I took from Al Anon that were great, the more I understood them, the less reliant I became on anything outside of myself. If that makes sense.

I understand fully your frustration with this. And again, this is just how I've come to understand things. But Al Anon is not there to provide resolution or tell us what to do-- they are there to give us the tools so we can decide to do these things for ourself. Whether that means staying or leaving, or whatever other choice there is to be made. For me, there was no 'detaching' from my ABF and still staying with him; I had to end it. For other women in my group, they perfect the art of detaching from the alcoholic who's living in their home and sleeping in their bed for the last 35 years. There IS no answer to your problem, no action plan, because only you can decide that in the process of surrendering your control over another person's addiction and deciding what it is you want in your life.

If you stay, detaching is just not getting caught up in it so as to preserve your sanity and not continue the dance the A needs to function (example: blaming). In my case, I detached as much as I could by getting away completely, and I work on that every single day via no contact for one year, so that I could begin to loosen the emotional grip he has on me and focus on myself. I finally realized that there is no SOLVING my problem with our relationship because that would be making him stop drinking and using drugs, and I cannot accomplish that. I cannot save this relationship. So I work on me, and if in time that brings about positive changes in him, maybe we'll try again. But there is no solving, nothing that can work, that doesn't start only with you.

So I didn't experience the connection and the joys of Al Anon as much as others here either. But I cannot deny the TOOLS they gave me. Letting go and letting God. Taking it easy, not having to figure everything out right this minute. Examining my feelings in all situations before I act, to check where my motivation is really coming from. To say what I mean and do what I say. That other people's opinion of me is none of my business. I read the literature every night and sometimes journal or meditate on a particularly challenging idea until I reach an understanding. Other ideas I reject. This is my version of taking what I need and leaving the rest. And in this way, there's no real room for a dependent relationship to form. I think if you really understand what Al Anon has to say, all you really need to depend on is yourself, with the guidance of a higher power, however you define that.

best

Codependency eats at us the most when we reach a point that we don't have answers. No matter how hard we try or what we do...we find that we can't "fix" things and that eats at us. Coming to the realization that we can't fix everything is a tough lesson to learn at times. Some things need run their course before they become fixed.
So what you are looking for is answers on how to fix what is broken. Without the answers you are powerless to fix it.

Here is a truth you need figure out...
You didn't cause it, you can't correct it, only the alcoholic can fix what is broken in their own life.
Al Anon isn't a fix it group...they are a learning to understand the how and why group. With the proper knowledge, we can make proper choices.

denny57

Those 2 statements contradict each other. When I first started practicing the 12 steps, I learned I was all over the place with my rationalizations. No way, no how was I going to hear I was powerless over anything. If I just buckled down and got to it, I was going to get my life in order. Just give me that darn info. Yeah, that had worked for the last 48 years. LOL.

Al-Anon is not for everyone. There are plenty of avenues of support out there for those living with addiction. Finding the support that works for me is what matters.

lostnotfound

I went to a few meetings...probably 4, at 2 different locations. I know you are supposed to do at least 6 meetings, but I just did not feel a connection. Everyone there was in their "happy place" and all we ever talked about was readings from the Al Anon books. I wanted someone to ask me what my story was...what brought me to Al Anon. No one ever did, so I thought maybe you weren't supposed to share those things. I was also interested in learning other's stories and experiences with their A. Maybe that's not what Al Anon is about. Maybe it is just about the readings.

I'm not saying I didn't get anything out of it at all. I bought the books, and they are great. Maybe I'll go back again, but for right now I'm not attending any meetings.

AllTooSober

I feel pretty lucky in that the one time I went, the members encouraged me to talk if I wanted to, but didn't pressure me. They automatically aborted their plan to go over step 10 and went to step 1, just for me, and each shared her story (my group happened to be all women). They were just wonderful.

denny57

It took me awhile to understand - the meetings are for one thing, the fellowship is where I heard others' stories about life with their A. Al-Anon is about me, not the alcoholic. So the key to hearing those stories about the A is before and after meetings, on the phone, with your sponsor, etc. The meetings themselves are for us.

Why I had so much trouble with this at first is that I had become so enmeshed with AH that I lost sight of me. That changed with time.

For me, I just sat in those meetings for months, letting it sink in.

deax

Did you try a meeting time that is officially supposed to be a beginner's meeting? Those are the ones that, in my experience anyway, everyone shares their stories and why they're there. That can be bypassed if there are no new people. My group does what ATS said too though- even if it's not a beginner's meeting technically but there's a new person there, we go around and tell our stories and then give them the opportunity to do the same, if they want to. We make it about the newest person and if they don't have much to say, then we do the topic that was planned. I haven't seen a newcomer given the opportunity to introduce themselves and say why they were there.

denny57

Most of my meetings save the last 15 minutes for newcomers to share if they want to. Some do, some don't. That gives everyone in the room a chance to hear their story and then offer support after.

lillamy

I can relate to everything you say. That's what I felt like when I came to Al-Anon, too: Don't just sit around and blab, tell me how to fix this, give me the tools, give me the manual, and then I can go about fixing it.

They didn't do that, so I figured it wasn't for me.

A few weeks ago, I was desperate enough that I came back, laid down my ideas of what I needed, and said "you know what? If you told me going down to the river and spitting three times over my left shoulder while whistling 'Happy Days Are Here Again' would get me on the road to recovery, I'd do it". I got to a point where I was willing to try anything.

I'm not saying my experience applies to you, or that Al-Anon always works for everybody. But for me, I had to get over all my preconceived notions of what was and wasn't helpful. And also, get over the idea that there was a quick fix for this. That one's still bugging me. I just want to get this over with and be done with it. But I think it's like weightloss or getting in shape -- we didn't get to where we are overnight, so we won't get to where we want to be overnight either. It'll have to take time.

Minx1969

That's exactly where I was at when I went to my first Alanon meeting. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired.

So..I went to a meeting, I went to another meeting. I got a sponsor, I started working the steps. I did EVERYTHING (and I mean everything) that my sponsor suggested.

And it worked.

I'm not with the alcoholic that got me into Alanon today. I guess I'm that "happy place" that you described. I'm in an amazing relationship with a non alcoholic and life is better then good.

Yes..I did therapy, self-help books, life coaching - all of that stuff before Alanon..And yes it helped.

But something about the fellowship, a great sponsor and working the steps helped me more.

Just so you know..I didn't believe in "God" or a "higher power" or anything except my own self-will before Alanon.

So when they told me to start praying - part of me was rebellious but the part that was tired of being unhappy said "what the hell"..

Be opened minded and you might find something in the meetings that helps you.

embraced2000

al-anon wasnt for me in the beginning either. hated it. hated those smiley, happy-happy-har-har women. hated where it was at. hated the drive. hated it so much i quit three times after telling them what i thought of all of em, went back every time thinking it would be different.....and it finally was.

now what had changed?? this group has been together for over 17 years. they certainly didn't change. it was me.....i was finally ready, willing, and able to accept and receive what they could offer me.......the tools to save myself in a very sick relationship.

my will was so strong that it had claw marks all over it when i finally was able to turn my will back over to my higher power. what a relief!!!!!!!!!

i didn't have to worry about it anymore. all i had to think about was myself, and that was foreign to me.

it took me probably 9 months of fighting it before i was able to experience the joy of acceptance and surrender. it was not easy. kicking, fighting, screaming, crying, snottin, all the way.....i KNEW, KNEW, KNEW, there was something out there still that could save my ah.......now i KNOW, KNOW, KNOW that i could only save myself.

what works for you will come in time. you will know it when you feel it.
good luck
god bless
jeri

Teggie

I was very slow getting into Alanon. My mother has been active in Alanon for years. My father is an alcoholic who finally gave up drinking when he discovered he has terminal cancer. My stepfather is an active drinking functional alcoholic ( he knows he's one but isn't ready to stop)

My mom saw I needed Alanon before I ever did, but she backed away until I was ready to accept help. She gave me the "One day at a time" book as a present one day. I began to read it, just here and there at first then more and more as I finally began my recovery.

The alanon my mom attends is about 30 miles away and I am usually at work when the meetings occur. However I found her group to be more comfortable for me and they seemed to discuss the issues I wanted to hear. I checked into the one here in my town since thier tiimes worked better with my schedule. I went a couple of times but found this group to be composed of alot of longtimers who had completed most of thier step work a long time ago. They were not interested in focusing on step work, whereas that is what I felt I needed.

So I got more alanon books, got active in this forum and began to make my way. I go to my mom's meetings when I can, but mostly I self study and post here. I do attend some alanon functions with my mom and have found them very informative.

Honestly I am better at posting and sharing than I am face to face. But it works for me.

I guess in my round about way thats what I am saying. Everyone has thier own path, thier own map so to speak. Just like no two people are the same you can say that no two peoples recoveries will be the same.

But the end result is the same no matter what path you take to get there. I consider this forum to be as informative and enlightening as a face to face meeting can be. I think honestly with the computer age online meetings and sharings will become even more popular than they are now.

But thats my opinion. Do what works for you. Take your own path, listen to whats out there, take what you want and leave the rest.
Just do it though, as long as you keep trying you will suceed.

Hugs,
Teggie

lostnotfound

I did go to a beginners meeting, and it was just the same as the regular meeting, but with fewer people.

mfisher

I can understand what you are saying.
Alanon was very confusing to me. I wanted answers, solutions and not be dependant on a meeting to function everytime my life fell apart.
While Alanon gave me tools and food for thought, it was up to me what I did with the information.
There were people in those meetings who chose to stay. For them it was perfectly ok for them to live a separate life, yet still be under the same roof as the A. That wasn't for me.
For me detachment was a stepping stone to leaving.
Feeling powerless was my cue to get control of my life back.
Putting me first meant saving myself.
I think you can put yourself in a Alanon meeting with 10 people and they will all walk out with a different outcome.
The bottom line is, if a seed can be planted that can help, grab on to it and grow with it, you don't a have to buy the whole crop.
I listened and used what worked for me and left the rest.

TexasGirl

I have never been opposed to Alanon, but I never did very well with it. I went to probably 10 meetings, and that whole time, the only thing I said was, "Hi, I'm xxxxxxx." I wanted SO BADLY to talk, to get it out, to have someone understand me. But I'm also a little shy sometimes, especially when I'm in a room full of people that all know each other and I'm the outsider. I know that's all probably just my silliness, and I haven't ruled it out...I'm just getting my nerve up to go back and actually speak sometime! I did, however, find personal therapy (and SR of course!!!!) to be very beneficial. After the first 2 or 3 NERVOUS sessions, I finally started to trust and confide in my doc. I gained so much strength and perspective. So even if Alanon is not for you, do something to help yourself.

FriendofBill

Thoughts?

Ok, heres my thoughts and be careful, Im pretty direct and tell it like I see it, so if you are sensitive, might not want to.

12 step groups have worked pretty well for the last 71 years. But you might know how to recover better? If so, let us know.

Sounds like you want to hang onto control on how things outta be done in recovery. How has it been working so far?

Let go, let god. DOnt knock it til youve really tried it..ya know, 90 meetings, 89 days, sponsor, service, prayer...etc..the whole shebang...if your not interested in giving the program a full try, we always refund your misery, free of charge.

slshuman

I'm going to be blunt as well, I guess (and I don't mean to offend either). Al-Anon does have a plan of action for getting healthy. Simply stated,

(1) go to meetings;

(2) get a sponsor;

(3) work the steps;

(4) get involved in service work.

There is a reason for the saying, "it works if you work it."

Keep coming back!!

embraced2000

friendofbill and slshuman..........very well said!!!! thank you.

to everyone else who has posted on this thread......i know how hard it is to accept the help that al-anon has to offer....my home group still talk (fondly, of course) about the hard time i had with acceptance....they say they had never seen anyone so miserable who insisted on trying to hold onto the ways i thought would work, or should work, or could work.

everyone has to find their own way. i chose to trust what they said about a few things and have blind faith that al-anon works. i went week, after week, grudgingly, like i was trying to run through knee high mud. i wanted a list. i wanted solutions. i wanted examples of how to do what they said worked. my brain was so numb, i couldn't think for myself. but guess what????? no answers were forthcoming, no lists were prepared for me.

finally figured out that because i was still asking all the "why's" or "what-ifs" or "maybe's", that i hadn't accepted that i was powerless over alcohol and that my life had become unmanageable.

oh, what a journey it has been! it was like i had to be reduced to a jiggly, pile of unrecognizable plasma with human dna, before i could rebuild myself.

it took nearly 1 1/2 years.........yes, years , in al-anon before i was able to pull my strings a little tighter and start recovery.

one thing i knew for sure, whatever was happening in our little meeting room was a helluva lot better than what was going on at home....so i kept going back.

god bless
jeri

mazey

I remember going to my first Alanon meeting, it's been several years ago. I was nervous as h---! Went in, all friendly & caring, sat and read the topic in the book, thought it was okay....went again, kinda the same. THought, I want answers NOW. I want someone to tell me what they did, and it worked so I would do it too! Funny, how that is what many of us expected! BUT, I kept going and found so much help in the teachings, readings, experiences, the discussion after the readings. Did get to tell my story, cried and cried, felt so good to look across the table and see caring, sympathetic, and understanding people. Never to tell me what to do, but influence me so much. Take what you can use and leave the rest, but you will take much more than you leave. Keep an open mind. When this last episode w/ my A happened, I prayed repeatedly to keep my mind open to where I was suppose to be, what I was suppose to do. It fell together so smoothly without me forcing it, almost like someone more powerful than me handled it! Now, a couple months after the separation I wonder sometimes, but never have a doubt because it happened so (can't find the word???) smoothly, mystically, decisively. Hang in there. You have already decided you want to live without the "trouble" then begin sorting out how to do it, and move ahead. Reading the books, therapy, and reading here helps tons.