Sick to my stomach
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Yeah, my AH used to be the perfect gentleman. I never thought I would live to see the day when he would start calling me filthy names and accusing me of all sorts of stuff I hadn't done. But that day came. I believe people should respect the sanctity of marriage; however, your husband is calling you filthy names which shows no respect for you at all. Now he's cursing at his own daughter.
There is every possibility that your leaving may make things ugly. Things may get very, very ugly. But things are downright crappy right now. He's abusing you and the children.
Less money if you leave? To some extent, yes. But you are entitled to child support and rehabilitative alimony for a certain period of time that will allow you to search for a job and/or get training for a job. If you are in a community property state, all assets earned during the marriage are split 50/50 unless such assets were gifts or an inheritance. If you're in an equitable property state, the judge looks at how long you've been married, how much you have contributed to the welfare of the marriage, and make a decision on how to equitably distribute marital property.
I had a friend years ago who was a devout, practicing Christian. Her husband was an alcoholic who committed adultery numerous times. He even brough my friend home a little "present" in the way of a veneral disease. She decided God did not intend her to be treated with such disrespect. She divorced her husband and never regretted it for one minute. Her life had its share of financial ups and downs, but she accepted it with grace and maintained her steadfast faith in God having a good plan for her life.
There is every possibility that your leaving may make things ugly. Things may get very, very ugly. But things are downright crappy right now. He's abusing you and the children.
Less money if you leave? To some extent, yes. But you are entitled to child support and rehabilitative alimony for a certain period of time that will allow you to search for a job and/or get training for a job. If you are in a community property state, all assets earned during the marriage are split 50/50 unless such assets were gifts or an inheritance. If you're in an equitable property state, the judge looks at how long you've been married, how much you have contributed to the welfare of the marriage, and make a decision on how to equitably distribute marital property.
I had a friend years ago who was a devout, practicing Christian. Her husband was an alcoholic who committed adultery numerous times. He even brough my friend home a little "present" in the way of a veneral disease. She decided God did not intend her to be treated with such disrespect. She divorced her husband and never regretted it for one minute. Her life had its share of financial ups and downs, but she accepted it with grace and maintained her steadfast faith in God having a good plan for her life.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Pugetopolis
Posts: 2,384
Hello icedtea,
I think that mallowcup is right-it will be uncomfortable, even painful, there is no way around that. But it doesn't have to be ugly. You sound like you have a foundation of faith. Pray for sanity, strenth, and direction to do the right thing in a loving manner. It will work out in a way that is the best for all.
I wish you could talk to my former wife. You see, I am a recovered alcoholic, and although our career paths are different (I'm a construction worker/heavy equipment operator) your husband sounds a lot like me. I put my wife and son through hell for ten years-always promising to straighten out and fly right. Several re habs, AA, threats, promises, etc. Finally she had enough and threw me out. Had she not done that, I might not be sitting here typing this right now. That was sixteen years ago. Today she is happily remarried, we are the best of friends and I'm happy with my life. I have a good relationship with my son, who is now twenty-four.
Your husband may not get sober, but regardless, you can live serenely. Get yourself a good Al-Anon sponsor and listen to these ladies (and gentlemen) on this site.
Jim
I think that mallowcup is right-it will be uncomfortable, even painful, there is no way around that. But it doesn't have to be ugly. You sound like you have a foundation of faith. Pray for sanity, strenth, and direction to do the right thing in a loving manner. It will work out in a way that is the best for all.
I wish you could talk to my former wife. You see, I am a recovered alcoholic, and although our career paths are different (I'm a construction worker/heavy equipment operator) your husband sounds a lot like me. I put my wife and son through hell for ten years-always promising to straighten out and fly right. Several re habs, AA, threats, promises, etc. Finally she had enough and threw me out. Had she not done that, I might not be sitting here typing this right now. That was sixteen years ago. Today she is happily remarried, we are the best of friends and I'm happy with my life. I have a good relationship with my son, who is now twenty-four.
Your husband may not get sober, but regardless, you can live serenely. Get yourself a good Al-Anon sponsor and listen to these ladies (and gentlemen) on this site.
Jim
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
IceTea...
Welcome to SR. I am so glad you found this forum...as you can see...there are alot of really wonderful people here who really know what you are going thru... And we all learn so much from each other...I hope you stick around!
Your post hits very close to home for me. My exhusband was an alcoholic and a drug addict. He was the man of my dreams when we got married. Drugs and alcohol destroyed our marriage. We have a 7 yr old son together. Leaving my exah was probably the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life. I felt guilty and worried like crazy that my exah would get even worse in my absence...and I worried about our son...Honestly, my left eye twitched non-stop by the time I finally left. One day I just knew I had to go...I just knew that I could not live in the insanity one minute longer. I took our son, who was almost 5 at the time, moved out of our marital home and never looked back. I didn't have any grand plan in place...I wasn't sure if I would file for divorce. I just knew that living with the insanity was going to kill me eventually...the sheer stress associated with that kind of life was beginning to manifest itself in my health...I wasn't sleeping...I was so depressed...and I was developing facial tics! Not a pretty sight!!
I wrestled for a very long time with feelings of guilt because I thought that by turning my back on my marriage, I was turning my back on God. It took me a long time to forgive myself for leaving... After much prayer and almost 2 years of careful reflection, I believe that God wanted me to leave...because my first obligation is to be a good mom and raise our son in a healthy, stable environment. This obligation comes before my obligation as wife...especially when my exah is so lost in his addiction. Sadly, I believe that divorce was the answer to my prayers...not the answer I may have wanted...but my answer just the same. I am just so grateful that God gave me the strength to leave...My son is doing so well now...and I have managed to provide him with a stable life...and I am very proud of this...and grateful to God for pulling me out of the depths my exahs addiction.
Try not to 'awfulize' the future. You can sit there all day and imagine what your AH might do when you leave...but you never know... Many times our worst fears never materialize. All you have to do is take this difficult journey one step at a time and trust that God is carrying you thru the most difficult spots.
Give your kids a big hug tonight.
They will give you the strength you need to do what is right...when the time is right.
Sending hugs of hope and strength your way...
Welcome to SR. I am so glad you found this forum...as you can see...there are alot of really wonderful people here who really know what you are going thru... And we all learn so much from each other...I hope you stick around!
Your post hits very close to home for me. My exhusband was an alcoholic and a drug addict. He was the man of my dreams when we got married. Drugs and alcohol destroyed our marriage. We have a 7 yr old son together. Leaving my exah was probably the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life. I felt guilty and worried like crazy that my exah would get even worse in my absence...and I worried about our son...Honestly, my left eye twitched non-stop by the time I finally left. One day I just knew I had to go...I just knew that I could not live in the insanity one minute longer. I took our son, who was almost 5 at the time, moved out of our marital home and never looked back. I didn't have any grand plan in place...I wasn't sure if I would file for divorce. I just knew that living with the insanity was going to kill me eventually...the sheer stress associated with that kind of life was beginning to manifest itself in my health...I wasn't sleeping...I was so depressed...and I was developing facial tics! Not a pretty sight!!
I wrestled for a very long time with feelings of guilt because I thought that by turning my back on my marriage, I was turning my back on God. It took me a long time to forgive myself for leaving... After much prayer and almost 2 years of careful reflection, I believe that God wanted me to leave...because my first obligation is to be a good mom and raise our son in a healthy, stable environment. This obligation comes before my obligation as wife...especially when my exah is so lost in his addiction. Sadly, I believe that divorce was the answer to my prayers...not the answer I may have wanted...but my answer just the same. I am just so grateful that God gave me the strength to leave...My son is doing so well now...and I have managed to provide him with a stable life...and I am very proud of this...and grateful to God for pulling me out of the depths my exahs addiction.
Try not to 'awfulize' the future. You can sit there all day and imagine what your AH might do when you leave...but you never know... Many times our worst fears never materialize. All you have to do is take this difficult journey one step at a time and trust that God is carrying you thru the most difficult spots.
Give your kids a big hug tonight.
They will give you the strength you need to do what is right...when the time is right.
Sending hugs of hope and strength your way...
brightlight
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Detachment
Posts: 201
He broke his marriage vows when he had the affair. I hope you get somewhere safe with your children. You never know he may get better. I would let this pastor give the advice and follow it and get all the support you can. Stay safe more than anything!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: pass the bon bons
Posts: 2,363
wow...i am so touched and saddened by your story...my favorite aunt went through exactly the same thing...she was also christian and she waited for him to change for a very long time...unfortunately he was physically abusive and almost killed her before she left...but god gave her the courage to know that marriage was not meant to be a nightmare...and his addiction was not her fault...nor was there anything she could do to help or change him in any way...she has raised her children and they are beautiful amazing confident girls...things they never could have become if they had spent their whole lives watching their mother be abused....and eventually he would have abused them, too...
you are doing what's right for your children....and you have a divine obligation to protect them...he will not change until he is ready...maybe your leaving will trigger that change, maybe it will not...but it is time for you to stop worrying about him and put yourself first...and your children...i know you are afraid...and guilty...and insecure...but those things are a side effect of abuse...he has created that insecurity every time he called you c*** and told you you were inadequate...every time he drank and humiliated you...this is not a marriage, dear, he divorced himself from you a long time ago when he gave into his addiction even though help was so available...he has failed you...not the other way around...
please make a list of who your children will become if they are raised by an abusive, drunk, unhappy man...then compare that to who they will become if they are raised by a kind, loving, strong mother who put them first in all things...who made huge sacrifices to ensure their happiness and well being...
reach inside yourself...because god is there....he is your strength and your hope, there is joy in this life for you and you will find it by following him in his wisdom and listening to his voice inside you...you hear him speaking softly...telling you what is right...
you are very much in my thoughts and prayers...i will pray for strength and peace in your choices...
you are doing what's right for your children....and you have a divine obligation to protect them...he will not change until he is ready...maybe your leaving will trigger that change, maybe it will not...but it is time for you to stop worrying about him and put yourself first...and your children...i know you are afraid...and guilty...and insecure...but those things are a side effect of abuse...he has created that insecurity every time he called you c*** and told you you were inadequate...every time he drank and humiliated you...this is not a marriage, dear, he divorced himself from you a long time ago when he gave into his addiction even though help was so available...he has failed you...not the other way around...
please make a list of who your children will become if they are raised by an abusive, drunk, unhappy man...then compare that to who they will become if they are raised by a kind, loving, strong mother who put them first in all things...who made huge sacrifices to ensure their happiness and well being...
reach inside yourself...because god is there....he is your strength and your hope, there is joy in this life for you and you will find it by following him in his wisdom and listening to his voice inside you...you hear him speaking softly...telling you what is right...
you are very much in my thoughts and prayers...i will pray for strength and peace in your choices...
May it be
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: A new day. Today I just see bright colors, in the small world of my dreams.
Posts: 384
I agree with the above posters and might not have alot to add... But for me, I also didn't have children. I could not Live like that Anymore. As far as my finances went, my xabf messed them up sooo bad... I worked for 2 1/2 to 3 yrs, 70 to 80 hrs a week... FOR WHAT... All that $$$ went to get myself out of this mess and I'm still paying. But I am grateful and thankful for the amount of money I now earn and can do a few things for myself. After all how much worse does it have to Get... I know for me, when he was getting the 2nd then 3rd DUI, I was starting to see the picture - And I Wasn't in It!!!
A good relationship (I've heard about & seen a few, in all my years) are ones that Both people are each other's Best Friend (& it Lasted for YEARS, some 30 to 40 yrs, together, like this, Imagine that!) I know I haven't been able to say that about anyone I have been with, sadly... (I feel that I have been my 2 xah's - best friend and other relationships I've had. I could maybe count on them, some in the beginning, but it deteriorated, after I Got Stuck... Now I have come to the place, where I would rather be by myself, with a little more than min. wage, than live like that. I also was concerned with where was he going to stay, etc (did he worry about me and helping out with the mess... fat chance of that, he was off looking for, then buying Christmas presents and flowers for his next gf and maybe she would help him with the business) He did end up with another woman (actually did me a Huge favor) and since lost that place, ended up on many drinking buddies couches/floors, jail, VA homeless wing. But you know what, He put himself there. You can't expect to do a decent job/business, starting the day drinking, sitting on a stool drinking for hrs and ignoring the consequenses...
A good relationship (I've heard about & seen a few, in all my years) are ones that Both people are each other's Best Friend (& it Lasted for YEARS, some 30 to 40 yrs, together, like this, Imagine that!) I know I haven't been able to say that about anyone I have been with, sadly... (I feel that I have been my 2 xah's - best friend and other relationships I've had. I could maybe count on them, some in the beginning, but it deteriorated, after I Got Stuck... Now I have come to the place, where I would rather be by myself, with a little more than min. wage, than live like that. I also was concerned with where was he going to stay, etc (did he worry about me and helping out with the mess... fat chance of that, he was off looking for, then buying Christmas presents and flowers for his next gf and maybe she would help him with the business) He did end up with another woman (actually did me a Huge favor) and since lost that place, ended up on many drinking buddies couches/floors, jail, VA homeless wing. But you know what, He put himself there. You can't expect to do a decent job/business, starting the day drinking, sitting on a stool drinking for hrs and ignoring the consequenses...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: US
Posts: 84
Tonight was classic. "Come to bed with me, or f*** you. Are you my wife or not? How dare you be afraid of me!?"
This is ridiculous. I am a person, not a human hot water bottle. Thank you all so much for your insight and wisdom into this problem.
Without my even calling people, God put into my life a great attorney who will be financially provided for by others, a free place to stay in if we need it (we live in a major metropolitan area so this is a huge blessing), and any emergency funds my children and I will need. I am overwhelmed with the love of my friends, my church and my family. If I stay calm and focused, I can trust my HP to hold me in his hand. What miracles.
I am feeling better and confirmed in my choice based on my AH actions today. He is a very sick man, and I am not even angry right now...just so sorry that it has come to this. I know the road may be rough ahead but I have more courage now than I have in months, thanks to all of you.
I hope that you all have a great night. thank you so much.
This is ridiculous. I am a person, not a human hot water bottle. Thank you all so much for your insight and wisdom into this problem.
Without my even calling people, God put into my life a great attorney who will be financially provided for by others, a free place to stay in if we need it (we live in a major metropolitan area so this is a huge blessing), and any emergency funds my children and I will need. I am overwhelmed with the love of my friends, my church and my family. If I stay calm and focused, I can trust my HP to hold me in his hand. What miracles.
I am feeling better and confirmed in my choice based on my AH actions today. He is a very sick man, and I am not even angry right now...just so sorry that it has come to this. I know the road may be rough ahead but I have more courage now than I have in months, thanks to all of you.
I hope that you all have a great night. thank you so much.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: pass the bon bons
Posts: 2,363
this forum is full of miracles....so many people who genuinely care for you...it has changed my life....thanks for your posts....you are so strong and have so much courage....i'm still praying for you and your children....and thanking god for the gifts he has given you...let go of that anger...it will only hold you back...i truly pity your husband for what he has lost in you...and i am praying for him too...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Texas
Posts: 782
Originally Posted by IceTea
Without my even calling people, God put into my life a great attorney who will be financially provided for by others, a free place to stay in if we need it (we live in a major metropolitan area so this is a huge blessing), and any emergency funds my children and I will need. I am overwhelmed with the love of my friends, my church and my family.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Aurora, Colorado
Posts: 37
I know it may be a little cheesy, but I like to keep inspirational quotes near my desk each day to keep my spirits up. My Grandpa used to write his on this little chalkboard in his kitchen (he said it helped him stay sober). They made everyone else smile too - which doesn't hurt. Here's hoping these might make you smile and bring out your inner strength.
Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.
Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.
Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.
Ambrose Redmoon
Hope has two beautiful daughters - their names are anger and courage; anger at the way things are, and courage to see that they do not remain the way they are.
St. Augustine
Don't just wish me happiness
I don't expect to be happy all the time...
It's gotten beyond that somehow.
Wish me courage and strength and a sense of humor.
I will need them all.
Anne Morrow Lindbergh
Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.
Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.
Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.
Ambrose Redmoon
Hope has two beautiful daughters - their names are anger and courage; anger at the way things are, and courage to see that they do not remain the way they are.
St. Augustine
Don't just wish me happiness
I don't expect to be happy all the time...
It's gotten beyond that somehow.
Wish me courage and strength and a sense of humor.
I will need them all.
Anne Morrow Lindbergh
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: OHIO
Posts: 959
(((((((((icetea)))))))))))
Hi and welcome to SR. You have been put through the same ringer as all of us and though are stories are all a little bit different they are still the same. Families torn totally apart by drugs/alcohol. My ordeal has just recently ended maybe not in my heart yet but legally and otherwise. Honey the best advice that I can give to you and you probably wont like it but it is a necessary thing and it will show your dimwit AH that you are no fool. Gather all the important paperwork together and get it out of the house. Especially documents that prove what he's been doing with the finanaces. Your lawyer will thank you for this. And do an assett check. I know this is a difficult time to be thinking of all this and its truly the last thing that you want to do but you have to be smarter than the can of beer hun. If you cant have his love then demand respect. And doing these kinds of things will make him respect you. Go out holding your head high and remember you are the mother of his children and you have a right to DEMAND respect for who you are in relation to HIS life. Stay with us and just know that we are all thinking of you.
Janit
Hi and welcome to SR. You have been put through the same ringer as all of us and though are stories are all a little bit different they are still the same. Families torn totally apart by drugs/alcohol. My ordeal has just recently ended maybe not in my heart yet but legally and otherwise. Honey the best advice that I can give to you and you probably wont like it but it is a necessary thing and it will show your dimwit AH that you are no fool. Gather all the important paperwork together and get it out of the house. Especially documents that prove what he's been doing with the finanaces. Your lawyer will thank you for this. And do an assett check. I know this is a difficult time to be thinking of all this and its truly the last thing that you want to do but you have to be smarter than the can of beer hun. If you cant have his love then demand respect. And doing these kinds of things will make him respect you. Go out holding your head high and remember you are the mother of his children and you have a right to DEMAND respect for who you are in relation to HIS life. Stay with us and just know that we are all thinking of you.
Janit
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