Confused and dont know what to do....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7
Confused and dont know what to do....
I'm not sure how to explain this without making it too long....
I've been married 6 1/2 yrs (2nd marriage) we started marriage counseling about 3 months ago and AH finally started AA almost 2 months ago. The first thing he said to our counselor was she needed to fix me and our marriage would be better.
Well he finally came to the realization that its been his alcohol. I've tolerated so much in this marriage........the lies, the excuses, the blaming me for all his problems that my self esteem has diminished.
I'm blessed that he is on his sobriety high, however I dont feel the same anymore........I dont know if its that I know he's working the program and I know he will be ok if I leave now, or if I want to work on it ........I just dont know.
However I know I have allowed this to go on for this long and its time to make me happy for one time in my life.
I've read lots of posts that sound so similar to mine and that is comforting. A part of me needs time to myself to decide if this is what i want.......because even though he's working the program he still continues to blame me for things. I'm so emotionally exhausted..........I want to get away to get out of the elements.......yet now he is talking divorce.......I'm undecided if thats what I want. Yes its hard to let go of all the pain and heartache and i dont know if i can.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
I've been married 6 1/2 yrs (2nd marriage) we started marriage counseling about 3 months ago and AH finally started AA almost 2 months ago. The first thing he said to our counselor was she needed to fix me and our marriage would be better.
Well he finally came to the realization that its been his alcohol. I've tolerated so much in this marriage........the lies, the excuses, the blaming me for all his problems that my self esteem has diminished.
I'm blessed that he is on his sobriety high, however I dont feel the same anymore........I dont know if its that I know he's working the program and I know he will be ok if I leave now, or if I want to work on it ........I just dont know.
However I know I have allowed this to go on for this long and its time to make me happy for one time in my life.
I've read lots of posts that sound so similar to mine and that is comforting. A part of me needs time to myself to decide if this is what i want.......because even though he's working the program he still continues to blame me for things. I'm so emotionally exhausted..........I want to get away to get out of the elements.......yet now he is talking divorce.......I'm undecided if thats what I want. Yes its hard to let go of all the pain and heartache and i dont know if i can.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Welcome Driven..... I completely understand your confussion.
My first post here was something like "I liked him better when he drank.
You have to remember that just because they stop drinking does not mean he has actually changed. What is it they say. If a drunking horse theif and they get sober what do you have???? A sober horse theif...
Honestly what worked for me was theraphy, Al-anon, reading all I could get my hands on and of course SR.... I your husband is work a program with a sponsor in AA its pretty usual for the sponsor to advise no big changes in the first year. I have to wonder why he is trying to work with a marriage counclor when he has not done much work on himself as yet. If it were me I might put that on hold for 6 months or more.
Its a family disease hon, of course you feel like you do. But today you dont have to make a decision ..... How about you just start working on your own recovery and let him deal with his.
My first post here was something like "I liked him better when he drank.
You have to remember that just because they stop drinking does not mean he has actually changed. What is it they say. If a drunking horse theif and they get sober what do you have???? A sober horse theif...
Honestly what worked for me was theraphy, Al-anon, reading all I could get my hands on and of course SR.... I your husband is work a program with a sponsor in AA its pretty usual for the sponsor to advise no big changes in the first year. I have to wonder why he is trying to work with a marriage counclor when he has not done much work on himself as yet. If it were me I might put that on hold for 6 months or more.
Its a family disease hon, of course you feel like you do. But today you dont have to make a decision ..... How about you just start working on your own recovery and let him deal with his.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: northeastern California
Posts: 80
Welcome aboard, Driven,
I agree with what Cynay said. I sincerely hope you'll try Al-Anon for 2-3 meetings at least. I did and it was one of the best decisions of my life. I discovered self-esteem, strength and courage. At the meetings, there are free pamphlets and booklets to take home and read.
Good luck to you and please keep coming back here to share with us. We care.
Hugs,
Luv
I agree with what Cynay said. I sincerely hope you'll try Al-Anon for 2-3 meetings at least. I did and it was one of the best decisions of my life. I discovered self-esteem, strength and courage. At the meetings, there are free pamphlets and booklets to take home and read.
Good luck to you and please keep coming back here to share with us. We care.
Hugs,
Luv
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Texas
Posts: 341
When my AH got sober and we reconciled I found that there were still alot of issues in our relationship that needed to be dealt with.
The active alcoholism was such a big issue before our split that I really didn't concentrate on the smaller issues. Those small issues soon became big issues after we reconciled.
Cynay, you made a wonderful point about how certain behaviors don't change even when they are sober. In fact I have found that some behaviors actually worsen with sobriety.
I don't know why, and maybye I am wrong but do most alcoholics have this certain personality? You know, the self rationalizing, above all, know it all attitude that doesn't seem to change even after they are sober? I see it in my AF, my AS and in my AH. Or is it just me reacting to the disease?
There are times I want to beat him with a broom! Lol. I have to say that the coping measures I have learned in Alanon and keeping communication open have been the key for me to stay in this relationship. It's always a work in progress. Every day.
It took alot for me to not feel guilty about things that I had no control over. Even now I still fight that guilty feeling every day. I went through alot of doubt in the beginning. I finally decided if I didn't work on myself first I would be unable to work on the relationship. I got called selfish a couple of times early in our reconciliation for putting my recovery first but soon he realized I was going to do it, had to do it, whether he agreed or not. And he now accepts it, he may not like it, but he accepts it.
There seems to be some discord between the AA's and the Alanons. Or at least it is around where I am. I think the AA's feel threatened by us in a way when they don't understand we are in it to help ourselves, not to bash or ridicule them. Some of the long time AA's have learned though, more about us, by having alanon spouses or parants or finding themselves in Alanon themselves.
In order to get to my alanon meeting we have to walk through the AA room. And it's usually during one of thier open meetings. Boy some of them clam up tight when they see us, like we are coming to slaughter them. lol. The ones that are familiar and comfortable with us just smile and wave us through.
Keep it simple, keep it honest, and do it on day at a time. Who knows whats going to happen tomorrow? Only our HP knows. We only figure it out once we get there.
Hugs,
Teggie
The active alcoholism was such a big issue before our split that I really didn't concentrate on the smaller issues. Those small issues soon became big issues after we reconciled.
Cynay, you made a wonderful point about how certain behaviors don't change even when they are sober. In fact I have found that some behaviors actually worsen with sobriety.
I don't know why, and maybye I am wrong but do most alcoholics have this certain personality? You know, the self rationalizing, above all, know it all attitude that doesn't seem to change even after they are sober? I see it in my AF, my AS and in my AH. Or is it just me reacting to the disease?
There are times I want to beat him with a broom! Lol. I have to say that the coping measures I have learned in Alanon and keeping communication open have been the key for me to stay in this relationship. It's always a work in progress. Every day.
It took alot for me to not feel guilty about things that I had no control over. Even now I still fight that guilty feeling every day. I went through alot of doubt in the beginning. I finally decided if I didn't work on myself first I would be unable to work on the relationship. I got called selfish a couple of times early in our reconciliation for putting my recovery first but soon he realized I was going to do it, had to do it, whether he agreed or not. And he now accepts it, he may not like it, but he accepts it.
There seems to be some discord between the AA's and the Alanons. Or at least it is around where I am. I think the AA's feel threatened by us in a way when they don't understand we are in it to help ourselves, not to bash or ridicule them. Some of the long time AA's have learned though, more about us, by having alanon spouses or parants or finding themselves in Alanon themselves.
In order to get to my alanon meeting we have to walk through the AA room. And it's usually during one of thier open meetings. Boy some of them clam up tight when they see us, like we are coming to slaughter them. lol. The ones that are familiar and comfortable with us just smile and wave us through.
Keep it simple, keep it honest, and do it on day at a time. Who knows whats going to happen tomorrow? Only our HP knows. We only figure it out once we get there.
Hugs,
Teggie
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Welcome, driven
Sorry I cannot tell you what to do in your own personal situation. I finally had enough of the sh** I put up with for five very long years. I believe there are A's out there who become enlightened and truly self-aware of the wrongs they committed when they were picking up. Others ... well, they remain the buttheads they were when they were still drinking. It's just my opinion, but I think working the fourth and fifth steps will either make someone wake up to reality or they'll do a half-a**ed job of it and remain a jerk. Whether AA's or Al-anon's, I guess some folks just decide to be buttheads, hotheads, or nutheads.
My AH has been in three detox/rehabs. He's still a self-righteous little weasel who I wouldn't trust as far as I could spit. I truly believe that he is a negative, my-poop-don't-stink kinda guy. He forms no deep commitments to anything or anybody and apparently doesn't wish to do so. He's basically a self-absorbed, self-serving person. I believe he would be that way sober or drunk. I don't care why he is that way. I don't know why he is that way. It is none of my business why he is that way. What it is is what it is. Period.
I have made my decision to leave. He treated me nicely many times, but it was "nice" versus sincere kindness. Appearances were of utmost importance to him, big-time. I still get a chuckle rememering when I was visiting his best friend's vacation home on the Outer Banks in NC back in August '02. His best friend's mom said to me with complete sincerity, "Honey, you're getting one of the really nice ones." HUH???
That sweet, kind woman believed the facade and so did I. I found out what a complete emotional train wreck he was after we got married.
You may get to the point where you will decide no matter what he does that enough is enough. Other partners decide seeing the "nice guy" side of the A, when sober, is enough for them. It's an individual, and very personal, decision all of us must make.
My AH has been in three detox/rehabs. He's still a self-righteous little weasel who I wouldn't trust as far as I could spit. I truly believe that he is a negative, my-poop-don't-stink kinda guy. He forms no deep commitments to anything or anybody and apparently doesn't wish to do so. He's basically a self-absorbed, self-serving person. I believe he would be that way sober or drunk. I don't care why he is that way. I don't know why he is that way. It is none of my business why he is that way. What it is is what it is. Period.
I have made my decision to leave. He treated me nicely many times, but it was "nice" versus sincere kindness. Appearances were of utmost importance to him, big-time. I still get a chuckle rememering when I was visiting his best friend's vacation home on the Outer Banks in NC back in August '02. His best friend's mom said to me with complete sincerity, "Honey, you're getting one of the really nice ones." HUH???
That sweet, kind woman believed the facade and so did I. I found out what a complete emotional train wreck he was after we got married.You may get to the point where you will decide no matter what he does that enough is enough. Other partners decide seeing the "nice guy" side of the A, when sober, is enough for them. It's an individual, and very personal, decision all of us must make.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
I took a lot of moxy for him to ask the councelor to fix you. I'm glad he did. I'm sure that was very revealing to the councelor. I think when they are actively drinking we just get from one hour to the next. We never really allow ourselves to be offended or absorb totally the hurt and disappointment, You can't allow yourself to feel it if you are still actively trying to save the marriage, You let it go......and go and go until you find your self forgiving and overlooking the unthinkable. When they go into a recovey program, it is very hard to hear them receive all the praise for their hard work. It almost feels like the world gave you a stinging slap right across the face. All he has to do is not pick up a drink and he's a hero. You get insulted, sworn at, swung at, ignored with all the trimmings of living with a drunk and the crowd applauding you doesn't exist. I think in their recovery we allow oursleves to think back on all those hurts, we let them sink in. I remember being furious. Suddenly they have manners, they forgive themselves and they put all the hurts and disappointments into one big "I'm sorry I hurt you". The longer they are sober the more we realize that all those times they said they were doing their best, we settled for their least. We discover what they were capable of the whole time. I also think this is when we realize that love had not been motivating us, fear was. This part isn't talked about much because so few ever reach this point. I think it's important to hook up with some support who will validate your feelings and understand exactly what you are talking about. I do. Alanon may help. Only you can decide if you want to find a way to stay or you want to eliminate the whole thing from your life. Some problems can be solved and some can be eliminated. It would completely understandable if you didn't love him anymore. He worked darned hard at that for a very long time.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7
Thank you all for all your responses.
I went to one alnon meeting....i didnt feel comfortable there. I know I need to try again. However I do feel like my one on one counseling sessions have helped me tremendously.
He is pushing the separation of property issue which to me is going to lead to divorce. I again feel like he is trying to control everything.
Last night my brother called late (time difference) so i stepped out of our room and went to my daughters.......the door was closed.....i got up to get a drink and there he was standing at the door eavesdropping on my conversation. I dont do this to him.....like when he calls his sponsors and steps out of the room.
To be honest, a few months ago is when my heart went numb and I wasnt sure if I still loved him. Prior to his AA he would demean me to my children (their his stepchildren)....that hurt so much, he accused me of stealing from him........the list goes on. I dont ever think i can trust him......i can let go and become a better ME and learn from this, but the hardest is that my kids do love him, and to me thats the only thing that has kept me this long......he's always been the Fun, Cool guy......while mom is the disciplinarion.
Also a little tid bit, when we married he had a business, he asked me to quit my job and work with him. Last yr he said he didnt want me there anymore because he didnt feel like the "MAN or BOSS" I've devoted myself to him and his business and then he doesnt need me......i believe this was truly the turning point to me. Then he would tell me I didnt make the money so i couldnt spend it.........omg i could go on forever.
The upside......I've been doing alot of praying and finding this site has been rewarding in itself. I thank you all so much for all your time, reading my story and giving your input......I feel so lost.......and my family is so far away.
I went to one alnon meeting....i didnt feel comfortable there. I know I need to try again. However I do feel like my one on one counseling sessions have helped me tremendously.
He is pushing the separation of property issue which to me is going to lead to divorce. I again feel like he is trying to control everything.
Last night my brother called late (time difference) so i stepped out of our room and went to my daughters.......the door was closed.....i got up to get a drink and there he was standing at the door eavesdropping on my conversation. I dont do this to him.....like when he calls his sponsors and steps out of the room.
To be honest, a few months ago is when my heart went numb and I wasnt sure if I still loved him. Prior to his AA he would demean me to my children (their his stepchildren)....that hurt so much, he accused me of stealing from him........the list goes on. I dont ever think i can trust him......i can let go and become a better ME and learn from this, but the hardest is that my kids do love him, and to me thats the only thing that has kept me this long......he's always been the Fun, Cool guy......while mom is the disciplinarion.
Also a little tid bit, when we married he had a business, he asked me to quit my job and work with him. Last yr he said he didnt want me there anymore because he didnt feel like the "MAN or BOSS" I've devoted myself to him and his business and then he doesnt need me......i believe this was truly the turning point to me. Then he would tell me I didnt make the money so i couldnt spend it.........omg i could go on forever.
The upside......I've been doing alot of praying and finding this site has been rewarding in itself. I thank you all so much for all your time, reading my story and giving your input......I feel so lost.......and my family is so far away.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
I don't know why, and maybye I am wrong but do most alcoholics have this certain personality? You know, the self rationalizing, above all, know it all attitude that doesn't seem to change even after they are sober? I see it in my AF, my AS and in my AH. Or is it just me reacting to the disease?
I went to one alnon meeting....i didnt feel comfortable there. I know I need to try again. However I do feel like my one on one counseling sessions have helped me tremendously.
I have to Agree ... I use to go to an open AA meeting and the Al-anon meeting was right after it.... You would see most of the Al-anon's in the AA meeting but when it was over the AAers would run for the hills..... You know, I think alot of it has to do with shame and guilt. I think that is alot of the reason they drink as well, they cant handle life on lifes terms.... So they dont want to hear our stories because its too painful and would make them think about their history. I would think they need to keep things positive in the first few years so they dont relaps... *shrugs* just a thought.
One of the things Im working on is being more assertive and confidance ..... BOY have the men and women in Al-anon be amazingly helpful in that.... I do theraphy too and it helps but I dont get as big a perspective.... I dont think your husbands behavior is acceptable either... but do you set boundries and confront him on this???
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by driven
He is pushing the separation of property issue which to me is going to lead to divorce. I again feel like he is trying to control everything.
You can take one step, right now, to start taking back control of your life.
Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Happy with me !
Posts: 680
(((Driven))) Welcome. Work on yourself right now. He has to work on himself. I know how you feel inside. I just moved into my own apt. away from AH two days ago. Living with an AH can physically and emotionally drain you, I know. Keep coming back to this site.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7
Again a BIG THANK YOU TO ALL!!!
I made the step of meeting with an attorney tomorrow. So i'm excited about that.
Lilac, thank you for understanding how draining and exhausting it is to still be surrounded by them. I am regaining MYSELF back slowly and i dont even argue anymore, not worth it. I know i can succeed, its the unknown that is scary, but hahaha.....I'm sure its better than this.
Keeping my head up & praying alot
I made the step of meeting with an attorney tomorrow. So i'm excited about that.
Lilac, thank you for understanding how draining and exhausting it is to still be surrounded by them. I am regaining MYSELF back slowly and i dont even argue anymore, not worth it. I know i can succeed, its the unknown that is scary, but hahaha.....I'm sure its better than this.
Keeping my head up & praying alot
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7
I went and met with my attorney on Thursday.....ahhh....talk about refreshing. It was like I finally stepped out of the box. We discussed the separation of property issue and everything else.....wow it was amazing to feel this good...........I didnt think I would.
Next week I will be taking my road trip to get away for awhile.....to have some alone time to decide if this marriage is what I want. I feel excited that I am actually doing something for ME.
Once again I must reinterate how much this board has helped me. Whatever my decision will be......I will know it has to be about My happiness. I have to believe that my children will understand.......and not hate me.....but I will deal with that issue as it arises. Regaining my self worth is so important right now.
I am happy to realize that I do exist!
Next week I will be taking my road trip to get away for awhile.....to have some alone time to decide if this marriage is what I want. I feel excited that I am actually doing something for ME.
Once again I must reinterate how much this board has helped me. Whatever my decision will be......I will know it has to be about My happiness. I have to believe that my children will understand.......and not hate me.....but I will deal with that issue as it arises. Regaining my self worth is so important right now.
I am happy to realize that I do exist!
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