aliveagain

He just called, sober, and stupid me answered the phone. He asked me if there was a chance for us. He asked if we could meet f2f and try to start to put things back together. He's seeing a therapist apparently. He has a job offer out of state but says he doesn't want to go without me. I told him, I'm glad he's seeing the therapist and that if the offer is what he wants he should take it but I am not ready to see him and that me going with him is not an option. He started crying, wished me a good night and hung up.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to hurt him (which sounds crazy given how many times he has hurt me). If it were just the drinking and he wanted to truly participate in his recovery, I might give it another try. But the truth is I AM SCARED OF HIM. When he is drunk, he is physically, verbally, and emotionally abusive. He swears its the alcohol and honestly he never hurt me when he was sober, but I cannot move past the fact that it did happen over and over. He would wake up the next day with luxury of not remembering and I slowly found myself becoming a shell of what I use to be. I became nervous and timid and completely stopped taking care of myself. The truth is I don't want that life anymore and even if he were to get sober some part of me will always be afraid.

Yet here I sit crying for a life I don't want. Crying because I am still longing for a life that might be "someday". I'm hurt and I'm angry. I feel like I have been cheated out of happiness. I'm in my mid thirties and I want to get married and have children. Now I am really wondering if that will ever happen. I want to be happy but I feel like I am frozen in place. I feel so alone. I feel so small. Tonight I feel like there is no future. That makes me panic and want to run back to him. I don't understand that. This is so hard. I just want to hide. I want to disappear. I don't want to deal with this. How can letting go of something I don't want anymore hurt this much?

StandingStrong

It's called greiving. You may not want that life anymore, but there was a time that you did. And even though this is the way it's turned out, I figure that you're probably grieiving the loss of your dreams, the hopes that you once had, etc. It's all a normal process to go through when a loss has taken place.

I found for myself (and even went so far as to researching it, lol) going through many phases in the grieving process. Even now, I still occassionally get "pangs", but the pain is much less than it used to be.

It can get better aliveagain. You can make it better. One step at a time, one day at a time.

Pick-a-name

(((aliveagain))) I understand who you are feeling. I'm going thru the same thing (except AH doesn't want me back...) Only advice I have is take one day at a time.

jojo

Alive -

They always find a way to pull on our heartstrings, don't they? Just reading your post I can see that you know what is best for you. You say you don't want to be with him. Once you become afraid of them, no matter what they say or do, that fear is always there. You sound like a smart woman that knows that you need to continue moving on. You also sound human since you don't like the feeling of hurting someone. Just remember, you haven't hurt him, he hurt himself.

You are still a young woman and have plenty of time start over. As long as you have learned what you don't want and are emotionally healthy yourself, there is no place to go but up!

Stay strong and follow your instincts to take of yourself and you will be just fine.

Hugs, Jo

PS I left and even though there were times I felt sorry for him and some what quilty, I have never regretted it.

prodigal

I don't know if you have read "Codependent No More," but Beattie discusses the reason we cry when we lose the addict in our relationship at some length. We mourn the death of what-might-have-been; the death of our dream. It is difficult to let go. Don't be hard on yourself for crying. You are grieving the death of your dream.

Please don't get sucked in by empty promises. Seeing a therapist is a good thing, but suggesting that this is a sound basis for reconciling is not. Working a program aimed at sobriety with a sponsor for a minimum of one year is a promise in action. Promises in action that really deliver are sincere.

ayla zaire

i hope everything works out for you...you know what you are doing is right for you and it always hurts to end something that had that much of an impact on your life...the best thing you can do is take care of you and things will work out...you are strong and deserve better than a life full of fear and regret...i can't guarantee that your life will be perfect without him...but anything is better than the kind of abuse you suffered...take time to heal...talking to a counsellor of your own wouldn't hurt...good luck and i hope things keep getting better for you....

mallowcup

You are probably exhausted from investing your self into something that didn't bring you any happiness. I think we underestimate our weariness.