renee18

I have been confused about a few things lately. My dad is the alcoholic in my life and he has no had a drink in about 1 and half years now but no AA. There has been a lot of things that have happened between my dad and me while I was growing up. He verberal abused me for years awhile he was drinking. It has had an ever lasting impact on my life. I have forgiven my dad for the things that he has done in the past. I know he has a disease and that he did not want to hurt me, but he did. The ever lasting impact of his words saying I am fat, dumb, stupid, no good. I am now in my sophomore year of college and struggling so hard. I have made myself so busy this semester I am carrying 16 credits, dancing, going to FCA, HOPE, WELL, working 13 hours a week, Al-Anon meetings, mentor, bible verses, and sleeping, and homework. I got so crazy that my grades got hurt. I was failing 3 classes. I was so stressed. I was not sleeping. I was making myself crazy. Well now I am not doing a lot of that stuff. My counselor said I have to focus on school now. I need to and i have been the last three days and it has made a big difference. As I sit here tonight I was thinking I have forgave my dad but the hurt is still in my heart. I still believe those things my he said because I looked up to my dad and a child should believe what her father tells her. All those words he said that I will not make it in life is still in my mind and my heart. How do I replace those thoughts and feelings. IF i don't get ggood grades I think I am not enough, if I don't excel in classes, I am not enough, if I am not invovled in everything I am not enough, If I am not always on top of things I am not enough, if I am not perfect I am not enough, If i don't serve God I am not enough. This is what has been going on in my head. When will I be enough?

love,
Shana

StandingStrong

Ya know, I don't really have the answers that you're probably looking for. But I think that alot of time, we have to forgive ourselves for beating ourselves up. We have to learn to accept ourselves and accept that we aren't perfect - and we aren't ever going to be perfect.
Learning to like myself was a big challenge. In liking and accepting myself, I don't really hurt when others don't think as highly of me as I'd like them too.
Remember the saying - What others think of me is not my business.

Often times, people say things that are mean and hurtful. Often times, I think those emotional scars last a lifetime. But in order to sooth a wound, we have to take care of that wound and let it heal.
Have you loved yourself and accepted yourself - do you actually like yourself for who you are? Because I think when you start to love you - you will start to let those wounds heal. And learn that just because someone says something, that doesn't always mean it's true.

((((renee18))))) Please take care of you - and love you! You deserve to be loved!

lilac

The verbal abuse leaves scars, I know it does, but you must focus on yourself. You are a beautiful person. Don't let someone else's words haunt you. It is not worth it.

denny57

(((shana)))

It isn't easy, but you can do it. Can your school recommend a therapist? The scars from childhood verbal abuse last a long time.

Also, on a practical level, something I learned from my friends, actors especially, is affirmations. It might sound silly, but it can work. Look in the mirror and say out loud "I am enough." "I am a good person worthy of love, especially self love." Whatever it is you need to affirm in yourself. Say it out loud, it makes a difference. Hear the words. Let your spoken words erase his spoken words. If he said you are stupid, say out loud I am smart (not, I am not stupid).

Be easy on yourself - you have a lot on your plate right now.

Take care and god bless.

renee18

Thanks Guys. I will try and be more easy on myself. Affirmations are a good idea. I tried them before, but it did not work, but I might try again.

love,
Shana

cwohio

((shana)) - all good suggestions above. i know where you are coming from. my counseling group is just now getting into the positive affirmation aspect. it's something that i have not practiced consistently either. i think when we have suffered from verbal/emotional abuse that we, in a way, start to verbal/emotionally abuse ourselves - saying to ourselves that we aren't good enough or something like, "you're so stupid, why couldn't you have seen that". if we continue to feed ourselves those negative thoughts then how can we ever love ourselves? you, i and everyone else here ARE good enough!

i'll start saying positive affirmations daily t myself if you will ok?

mallowcup

You sure are busy and being tired makes it hard to think things through and put them where they belong. It may not be easy but most big accomplishments are easy. You may have this history, but look at what you are accomplishing in spite of it. I was the same way you are for the same reasons. One day it occurred to me that some kids aspire because they have a loving supportive family. Some kids, like I was, achieved my goals in spite of not having a supportive family. We are determined not to be the losers we were groomed to be. We aren't. You don't need to be in the top of your class. You need to graduate. That degree in your hand is tangible evidence that you are able to rise above and accomplish great things. You earn a degree. I'm just preparing you for something you aren't expecting. When they place that degree in your hand, it will be very emotional and you may not know why. I'm not saying a person has to obtain a degree. I'm saying I'm proud of you for doing it. Ihave told my three sons who are all at different academic levels that I didn't care if they were as dumb as sticks. I hoped they would always measure their worth by their degree of compassion, love and willingness to help those less fortunate than themselves. Without compassion and manners extended to all, it didn't mattter how brilliant they were. Only one of my sons went to college. They are all good men. Youcan't change your past..... but how could it serve you instead of hurt you? If you can find a way to answer that, you will feel as though that hard upbringing was meant to groom you to be who you are today. Those experiences have made you a unique person with insights that others don't have. One day you will graduate and you will go forward into a chosen work field. You;d be a great councelor, nurse, social worker.......many many places where you could use your uniqueness. One day you may be a mother. As you look back, you know what kind of parent you do not want to be. This is completely within your power. My own relationship with my father was never the best it could be, it was never the worst it could be. My father died at 83. He was a different man than the one I grew up with. I wasn't the same little girl either. As your parents age, and we take care of them, we may do a better job of it than they did with us. The day my father died, I looked at him and it seemed less important who was as a man, but more important who I had become as a woman.

renee18

Thank you so much Mallowcup. I am determined and i do things because I don't have the suport of my family. But outside my family I have tons of support. my freinds are wonderful

Shana I will keep going so one day I may help others with what i Have been through

cwohio

thatta girl shana!!!! you WILL make a difference in this world and already have in your own! proud of you!