feel like I made a mistake
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Join Date: Mar 2006
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feel like I made a mistake
I can't help but feel like I made a mistake by leaving how I did.
I should have looked for help in how to live with him and not have tried to threaten changes only he could have made. I don't know how to fix my mistake. I just want to slowly try again, but feel like it's a lost cause right now. I'm a good person who maybe just overreacted and got scared.
Do I try to tell him this?
I should have looked for help in how to live with him and not have tried to threaten changes only he could have made. I don't know how to fix my mistake. I just want to slowly try again, but feel like it's a lost cause right now. I'm a good person who maybe just overreacted and got scared.
Do I try to tell him this?
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Go back and read your original posts when you started posting here, when time hadn't distorted the reality.
Ask yourself if you want to live the rest of your life that way, with someone who will only get worse as they continue to practice their addiction.
That should answer your questions.
Love and hugs,
Ask yourself if you want to live the rest of your life that way, with someone who will only get worse as they continue to practice their addiction.
That should answer your questions.
Love and hugs,
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
You are lonely. You are second-guessing the decision you made. I went back and read all of your posts. This guy is an alcoholic. That is a fact. You cannot change that fact. At this point, it appears he has not changed that fact. Regardless of the circumstances under which you left, you left a drunk. He is still a drunk. He was that way when you were together and he's that way now that you are apart.
Do you really want to stick your tongue back into the blades of a moving fan again?
Do you really want to stick your tongue back into the blades of a moving fan again?
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
Originally Posted by aztchr
I can't help but feel like I made a mistake by leaving how I did.
I should have looked for help in how to live with him and not have tried to threaten changes only he could have made. I don't know how to fix my mistake. I just want to slowly try again, but feel like it's a lost cause right now. I'm a good person who maybe just overreacted and got scared.
Do I try to tell him this?
I should have looked for help in how to live with him and not have tried to threaten changes only he could have made. I don't know how to fix my mistake. I just want to slowly try again, but feel like it's a lost cause right now. I'm a good person who maybe just overreacted and got scared.
Do I try to tell him this?
The way you reacted is how many rational sane people react. Unless the family member is an addiction counselor or has prior experience with same, they cannot know or understand.
Relax and have a bud light
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
I wouldn't tell him. I do understand the second guessing yourself. I think what I might do is sit down and recall times in the past when you tried to tell him how you felt, how did it go and how did he respond? We all have trouble letting go of that happy ending we imagined. I would avoid the bud light right now. reason #1- alcohol isnt' medicine, if we use it that way to self medicate our pain away.....well that's just not a good idea. reason #2- feel your pain and be rid of it. reason #3- if you drink when you are sad, you'll get on a crying jag. I would wait at least one month everytime you consider going back. I'd write down reasons why this is a wise idea and I'd write down reasons why it is a bad idea. If after one month the reason to go back outweigh the reason to stay away, you could at least know you gave it very serious and rational thought. We have to expect our emotions to be all over the map. You don't really want to go back.
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Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Happy with me !
Posts: 680
((((HUGS))))))
You did the right thing.....you are just second guessing yourself right now. Re-read your old posts, they will enlighten you. You got out of a situation that was not going to change for the better, just for the worse. You need to take care of yourself.............We love you !
You did the right thing.....you are just second guessing yourself right now. Re-read your old posts, they will enlighten you. You got out of a situation that was not going to change for the better, just for the worse. You need to take care of yourself.............We love you !
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Missouri
Posts: 261
aztchr,
Trust me you did not overreact and you are not a bad person for it. I posted not to long ago that I felt like I was the verbal abuser and I have come to realize from the many responses that were posted that my behavior was only normal behavior. Yes I look back now and know that I would react differently but we never had training on how to react to this kind of stuff-don't beat yourself up because you are not alone.
I also asked myself if I would have been that angry and terrible if he would not have been drinking like he was and if he would have been not losing his job left and right. The answer is No. I was reacting to all the hurt and pain and the Broken promises. I also second guessed my desicion but I also know that I have made the right descision for now. I used to always wake up in the middle of the night to find my xbf drinking vodka on the couch completly trashed. I know one thing- I love getting a full 8 hrs of sleep each night and waking up rested and not next to someone that could not even function a few hours before. It is getting better and better everday and I do realize that he is sick but it is not your responsibility to take care of him. I have not really read a lot about your situation so I hope a little of what I just typed can help you.
Trust me you did not overreact and you are not a bad person for it. I posted not to long ago that I felt like I was the verbal abuser and I have come to realize from the many responses that were posted that my behavior was only normal behavior. Yes I look back now and know that I would react differently but we never had training on how to react to this kind of stuff-don't beat yourself up because you are not alone.
I also asked myself if I would have been that angry and terrible if he would not have been drinking like he was and if he would have been not losing his job left and right. The answer is No. I was reacting to all the hurt and pain and the Broken promises. I also second guessed my desicion but I also know that I have made the right descision for now. I used to always wake up in the middle of the night to find my xbf drinking vodka on the couch completly trashed. I know one thing- I love getting a full 8 hrs of sleep each night and waking up rested and not next to someone that could not even function a few hours before. It is getting better and better everday and I do realize that he is sick but it is not your responsibility to take care of him. I have not really read a lot about your situation so I hope a little of what I just typed can help you.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Missouri
Posts: 261
aztchr one more thing
I feel as though I could have posted this question myself. We are all going through the same BS. You are a wonderful person. I was told that alcohol affected me just as much as it affected my axbf and he prob was a different person when he was not drunk as you are when he is not drinking!!!!!
I feel as though I could have posted this question myself. We are all going through the same BS. You are a wonderful person. I was told that alcohol affected me just as much as it affected my axbf and he prob was a different person when he was not drunk as you are when he is not drinking!!!!!
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
((((aztchr))))
I can't remember reading any of your other post at the moment. I will read I more when I have time.
Just off the cuff I am wondering what your reason for leaving was? Were you leaving to help yourself or to maybe affect a change in your S/O?
It can be very scary to leave familar territory even when the enviroment is very toxic.
When we live with an A it is all to easy to develope behaviors that we tell ourselves will counter-act what they are doing. Perhaps you left hoping he would change? What would you do if you go back and not only has nothing
changed but maybe it is worse?
Try to stand still a moment get your balance take some slow long breaths look at what made you jump maybe you were trying to protect yourself from something...
Maybe you really need a break from the chaos. Maybe you left in a huff but, maybe you needed to do something for your sanity.
Now you are with yourself why would it not be a good idea to look at yourself and your behaviors and see what you are doing to drive your own self crazy?
For me it is a lot easier to look at me and my "stuff" when I am not constantly trying to fix someone elses "stuff".
I can't remember reading any of your other post at the moment. I will read I more when I have time.
Just off the cuff I am wondering what your reason for leaving was? Were you leaving to help yourself or to maybe affect a change in your S/O?
It can be very scary to leave familar territory even when the enviroment is very toxic.
When we live with an A it is all to easy to develope behaviors that we tell ourselves will counter-act what they are doing. Perhaps you left hoping he would change? What would you do if you go back and not only has nothing
changed but maybe it is worse?
Try to stand still a moment get your balance take some slow long breaths look at what made you jump maybe you were trying to protect yourself from something...
Maybe you really need a break from the chaos. Maybe you left in a huff but, maybe you needed to do something for your sanity.
Now you are with yourself why would it not be a good idea to look at yourself and your behaviors and see what you are doing to drive your own self crazy?
For me it is a lot easier to look at me and my "stuff" when I am not constantly trying to fix someone elses "stuff".
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Green,green grass of home
Posts: 600
Hi,what is done is done.Are you going to Al-Anon?Are you working on your own recovery?I know when i wasnt working on my recovery.i made decisions,back and forth.Flip/flopping,Back and forth time after time,because i was not clear,on my decisions.,and was using my old thinking at the time.And allowing others to,help, make decisions for me.This stoped when i started to work on my recovery,one step at a time.Learning new ways to think,and to live.
Making ammends first i needed to do steps 1-7.Then i was ready.Then i could see my own part in all the stuff that happened.
Making ammends first i needed to do steps 1-7.Then i was ready.Then i could see my own part in all the stuff that happened.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Bronx, NY
Posts: 412
aztchr, please give it a little time before you say anything to him. Trust me, you may feel completely differently tomorrow. It's just a bad day, I have them all the time though less now than in the beginning. Find things to do to get through it. I've learned to do whatever it takes- meetings, meditation workshoips, journaling, running it off, take a nap, call a friend, pray, go to church, cook a nice meal. Just let it pass. Once you make a call to him sort of admitting defeat, it'll be that much harder to be taken seriously in the future when you take a stance. So before taking an action, make sure it's the right one. I ask for answer via prayer and meditation; find a way that works for you. Answers come if you let yourself be open enough to hear them. Giive it a few days and see how you feel then; what you're going through is completely normal and understandable. And hard.
(hugs)
(hugs)
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Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Where the sun always shines!
Posts: 1,625
My mom always told me, if it was meant to be, it'll be.
Take some time for you, get yourself healthy. If he takes the time to get himself healthy you two can begin again to try to work things out.
You are going through the "drama/chaos" withdrawal. You are missing the good things in your relationship. Don't forget about the bad!!!
Take some time for you, get yourself healthy. If he takes the time to get himself healthy you two can begin again to try to work things out.
You are going through the "drama/chaos" withdrawal. You are missing the good things in your relationship. Don't forget about the bad!!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by aztchr
I should have looked for help in how to live with him and not have tried to threaten changes only he could have made. I don't know how to fix my mistake.
You are a good person and wanting what is best for your life is not overreacting.
((((aztchr)))
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Arizona
Posts: 928
Originally Posted by denny57
Have you looked for help anyway - for you? If you are willing to do it to stay with him, are you willing to do it to learn to live without him? Willing to find out what life can be?
One thing I've learned is that no matter who I am with - I still have my issues.
I've had the opportunity over the years in relationships with alcoholics and nonalcoholics to notice that I have issues. I keep on playing out the same scenarios over and over.
Once I took the opportunity to look at myself and my choices, I made different choices.
You can go back if you want..I did that many times with my exabf..It was more and more painful each time but eventually I got tired of hurting myself and decided to get better.
I'm in a wonderful relationship today with a great guy. It's easy - no drama, lots of love and support.
Isn't that what you would want for you?
(aztchr)
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 14
I don't know how to fix my mistake.
There is no mistake to fix. Give it time, it is the initial shock that puts us in a panic where we start questioning ourselves. Do not make any decisions while in this panic state. Remember desperate people do desperate things when your emotional you will make emotional decisions. Give it a few weeks and remember just because your sad and upset doesnt mean you did the wrong thing. It's very natural to feel this way, who wouldn't. The hardest thing is to do the right thing. Hang in there, please remember dont do anything when you are in a desperate state of mind. Believe me I have been in this situation many times and I have acted on my desperation and you know what it brought me right back to square 1 and as they say the dance starts all over again.
There is no mistake to fix. Give it time, it is the initial shock that puts us in a panic where we start questioning ourselves. Do not make any decisions while in this panic state. Remember desperate people do desperate things when your emotional you will make emotional decisions. Give it a few weeks and remember just because your sad and upset doesnt mean you did the wrong thing. It's very natural to feel this way, who wouldn't. The hardest thing is to do the right thing. Hang in there, please remember dont do anything when you are in a desperate state of mind. Believe me I have been in this situation many times and I have acted on my desperation and you know what it brought me right back to square 1 and as they say the dance starts all over again.
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
When we are finally left to ourselves, I can see how you might panic. We don't have much of ourselves left. Without filling our lives up with them and their drinking, we then see how much time and energy got devoted to it. Don't fill your self back up with him. Go to Alanon or keep coming her or do both. I think you just long for the familiar. The best is yet to come for you. Square one can be an emacipating place. You had a life before him and you will have a life after him. The day will come when you will shutter to think you even thought of going back. Go forward.
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
Originally Posted by mallowcup
I wouldn't tell him. I do understand the second guessing yourself. I think what I might do is sit down and recall times in the past when you tried to tell him how you felt, how did it go and how did he respond? We all have trouble letting go of that happy ending we imagined. I would avoid the bud light right now. reason #1- alcohol isnt' medicine, if we use it that way to self medicate our pain away.....well that's just not a good idea. reason #2- feel your pain and be rid of it. reason #3- if you drink when you are sad, you'll get on a crying jag. I would wait at least one month everytime you consider going back. I'd write down reasons why this is a wise idea and I'd write down reasons why it is a bad idea. If after one month the reason to go back outweigh the reason to stay away, you could at least know you gave it very serious and rational thought. We have to expect our emotions to be all over the map. You don't really want to go back.
The "bud light" was not meant to be taken literally or enterically, just "lightly" without an intentional pun.
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
steve, that is how I took it, but guess we might give a desperate person the OK?? So I agree with mallowcup also. (Smile) Keep coming back.
aztchr,you rec'd excellent reply's I have also BTDT, don't we always think we did wrong?
We are all here if you need to vent, cry or whatever.
As an A, I would say, "Don't drink and go to meetings"(Smile)
Really, meetings helped me. I went every night.
aztchr,you rec'd excellent reply's I have also BTDT, don't we always think we did wrong?
We are all here if you need to vent, cry or whatever.
As an A, I would say, "Don't drink and go to meetings"(Smile)
Really, meetings helped me. I went every night.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 2,333
I used to feel the way you do aztchr. After John was gone for awhile I
began thinking it wasn't so bad, I jumped the gun, should have given
him/us more time. I started reading my old posts just to remind myself
how bad it really was, and it was bad, one day look up my old posts..lol
The thing I had to ask myself and still do on occassion is this,
What has changed? In my case John is still drinking and has made no
further attemps to stop. Last contact was about 4 months ago so I
have no idea if he stopped at this point or not. Even if he did he has
a long road ahead of him and quite honestly I don't have that kind of time.
began thinking it wasn't so bad, I jumped the gun, should have given
him/us more time. I started reading my old posts just to remind myself
how bad it really was, and it was bad, one day look up my old posts..lol
The thing I had to ask myself and still do on occassion is this,
What has changed? In my case John is still drinking and has made no
further attemps to stop. Last contact was about 4 months ago so I
have no idea if he stopped at this point or not. Even if he did he has
a long road ahead of him and quite honestly I don't have that kind of time.
When Pigs Fly
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: california
Posts: 894
If you want to feel better read my first posts. I was a wreck thinking the same thing. After time it will be eaiser to get thru the day. I thought I was going to die from being so lonely, I even tried to take my life. I'm glad I opened the garage. Try and make yourself very busy, shop, clean, just keep busy, busy busy, and keep posting here. We have all been there and are here for you now. Pull from our strength.
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