Fear of Intimacy
 

I was reading my book today "Happiness is an inside job" and they talked about this issue.

It came up in communication.... It said that everyone has some fear of intimacy, and so everyone instinctively fears communication for this reason.

When your sharing yourself, really sharing what is your greatest fear?

For me Seperation and rejection.

Seperation that I will love and then the person will leave me. That goes back to my feelings of "if you really knew me you would not like me" or "Not being good enough to want to have intimacy with me"

Rejection for me is again that you will find a reason to move on away from me.... again if you knew me you would not like me.... My feeling of being despencible and of no value. The feeling that I will loose myself to you and once you know me and I have filled whatever void/pain you had you will toss me out with the garbage and not think of me again.


What is it you fear???

That someone will take what I share from my heart and some day use it to mock me and it. That was a family game and I hated it.

Ouch... that is a good one, I relate to that one too.

I was just thinking ..... Is that why I choose unhealthy men in my life? Because it is easier to be rejected by someone that is sick.... then to be rejected by someone that is healthy? Not to mention that it is a "when" Im rejected and not an "if"

Cynay,

THANK YOU for this post!! I love the topic (because it's so familiar to me??).

I think I fear those things you mentioned in the original post, and also Denny's, but the word that immediately entered my mind was Ridicule. I just HATE being laughed at, sneered at, thought less of, for expressing honest emotions and/or opinions. That hurts me so much.

I wondered some time ago if the reason I chose such obviously flawed men (not just the typical "everybody has flaws" stuff), is because I believed for certain that the kind of man I would like to be with would never want to be with [a loser like] me, because I would never be good enough for my ideal guy(or, 80% ideal, as Dr. Phil suggests). So, I pick guys I don't really want anything to do with, because only someone truly, grotesquely flawed would want someone as truly, grotesquely flawed such as myself.

I still catch myself thinking that way sometimes.

I'm all about the "if you really knew me you wouldn't like me," but throw an "enough" on there. I'm fighting it all the way, too, with mixed results.

I fear that no one will ever see the real me. I want to be loved for who I am not what i wear, drive or how thin or fat i am. I want some one to see that I find beauty in almost everything and everyone. I want people to like me for me. I'm afraid people won't ever see that. most people see me for what a tough life i have had. I see me as a person who has had ups and downs.
Sorry i got carried away. Thanks for the post

Yes;those two, and abandonment. All of which I have been experiencing in the past year since my husband of 27yr divorced me (and has gf's?) and my two children went away to college.

I am still alive. Guess I'll make it......thanks in part to you folks! Thanks.:Val004:

i fear rejection, that i will look and seem invisible to others, fear that others will ridicule me, fear of being disposable.

I was just having this conversation with someone the other day.
A friend was sharing that she just met someone and she was madly in love and totally swept off her feet.
I am in a new relationship and remain very guarded.
My fear is going head over heals and experiencing the pain I felt with my AH of 23 years. I don't know if I could ever be madly in love again, that is way too scary.
I think my fear is locking myself in a relationship and then realizing I have made a mistake.
I love and care about the person I am with, but I hold a great amount of independance.

Cynay.... thanks for this thread! I read it earlier and had to 'think on it' awhile.
When I read this or hear things like 'studies show... everyone is this way'
I try to pay special attention. For two reasons I will do this: one is because if everyone does it... maybe I do too; and secondly- if so many do this...there must be a good reason or need for this behavior, or it would not be so universal.
To me it is no different than having a healthy boundary in place... I do not trust someone who has not earned my trust. I need to value myself properly in order to do this. I am happily married for almost 33 years now and can't relate so much to the choices needed to start a relationship. We settled so much of that early on... but I do struggle with it in another sphere of life- maybe several, which is why I need a program of recovery for myself.
Friends, former coworkers and even people I meet in recovery settings are where I need to watch.... and be careful who I trust. I still need to trust them though! (very carefully!)
For me the reluctance to trust is something to overcome but not to remain in that place. I need to take my recovery with me into my old and new friendships... when I can. Some will not accept me and some will- I hope, and the risk is there- for sure that I may be hurt.
What I am facing now is bringing more of the 'new' me into my active/real life. It's sort of like a test drive for a new car... how does it feel? If I don't try it out I will never know just how great it can be.
I hope this makes sense as I am rambling on.... I just don't want to stay in the same place of reluctance and certainly don't want fear to control my life.
It's very difficult for those of us who have been hurt by another and by our allowing others to hurt us as well...
My son's addiction has impacted my life in so many ways... now that he is in jail, I am not having to deal with alot of the relational things I used to with him. When he is out- then more of my 'test drive' for my recovery will happen. (then I will be here.... asking for your input!!)
This thread really got me thinking.. and I appreciate all that has been shared here, you all are so great!

My fear of intimacy boils down to me becoming involved with emotionally unavilable men. If they're not available, then I can play the game and be unavailable too. It allows me to hide myself. Unfortunately, I also have a compulsion to "convert' emotionally unavailable men into sensitive, caring guys. I think I should go back to working on parting the Red Sea - it's probably far easier.

That is a very good point cmc.

Intimacy is not just between a man and a women. You can be intimate with or have an intimate relationship with anyone.

Example..... At one time I believed I had a VERY intimate relationship with my daughter... Today I have not talked to her in over two weeks and we were supose to have a counceling meeting with the Pastor of our church Sat at 1:00.... this has been scheduled for 2 1/2 weeks.... she calls today to say that she has to cancel because she made a Ciropractic appt that day at 1:30 and cant make it to our meeting. She made it after she made ours....

SO today I have a fear of being Intimate with her, Im learning to detach from her with love and build defences with her.... again its the same fears I listed above.

Abandonment is another HUGE fear for me as well. Today I feel very alone inside and rather then correct that with allowing people to close I am choosing to remain alone because of fear, or maybe it is protection from being hurt so much recently... not sure, I will have to think about that one.

Sad that it controls a person.

:lmao

Mike :)
p.s. I've done my share of knight-in-shining-armor quests to rescue fair maidens.

I think, for me- I need to be careful to balance it all out. The disease can be so 'sneaky' as we all know how easy it is to fall back into codie behaviors.
I remember last year doing something that I would previously consider (rightfully) to be wrong... checking up on my son when he was 'missing.'
I learned that not all 'those behaviors' were wrong for me all the time. It was ok that I looked for him... I did it rationally with every intention of letting go once I saw he was ok. I also knew I was not going out every day roaming all the bad neighborhoods hysterically looking for him.
I take more chances with others, too- the longer I am in recovery but I still have to 'keep watch' that I am not the one who is the 'friend' or the 'fixer' or the 'go along with-er'( excuse the 'new word'... but I like it!)
Some situations are more of a problem for me than others... and that changes or shifts with time. Professionally- I had no problems with trust, and friends were an issue as I was new to all of this and just realizing how things were. Now it is the opposite... I have trust issues about who I choose to work for/with and the friend thing is making more progress.

oh.... one more thing!
The word, 'vulnerable' comes to mind here. Isn't that what we are all talking about? We had that word included into our marraige vows.... 'I will be vulnerable to you' was part of our promise to each other- I was 18 and he was 19 but we already knew from watching others how important that is. But it's darn scary!!!

I'm afraid of being vulnerable and not in control and that I'm not good enough, that somebody better will come along.

Ngaire

Ditto!

I used to think I was good enough...now I don't..because I've changed and I don't like how I project myself anymore..I'm still the same underneath it all, but thats the vunerable me, I don't want people to see my vunrability because then I get walked all over...

Always thinking someone better will come along...that if and when he gets sober I won't be good enough and he'll meet someone else...god, low self esteem sucks!!

I think I'm scared of being hurt most of all and rejection.

It seems that many times when I truly shared myself in the past....I was betrayed. I've always worn my heart on my sleeve and I've handed out my trust. Learning the hard way that trust has to be earned.

When I share something very personal and then it is used as a weapon to hurt me.

So...I guess my greatest fear when sharing is not knowing when I've shared too much.

good thread!i think i can safely say i relate to all of the above!interesting ,i think the key is to learn to ALWAYS keep a part of youreself back..im sure its easier to do as you get older and have been kicked about enough times sadly...but its no bad lesson to learn..self presevation!.....and here is a hug for EVERYONE LOL!:Val004: :c005:

Ditto all of these for me. Ugh...

Great post cynay...thank you!

My fears, rejection and that I won't be good enough. In anyway. I have this fear that nothing I do is good enough so I do things people want me to do to make them happy. This fear has really hurt me in the past and I've allowed things to happen that shouldn't. But, I'm doing much better now ;)

Hey Cuz,
My family too, my fears are the same. All my life I have felt that way. I have a tendency to be very unapproachable, some say cold. I've been told I have a hard heart. I really think I am a very caring person but it takes me a long time to let someone in. I 've been battling old demons with all that has happened with my AH. It has been very difficult to not put my walls back up and become my old hard a** self.

Rejection is big for me too. I cannot handle it in any way. I have been consistently rejected for the last three years. It hurts. It's really done a number on my self esteem.:eek5:

First, thank you for the laugh with the cuz thing. How true is that?

I'm curious - have you been told this by everyone you meet or just certain people? This was an eye opener for me in therapy. 100 people tell me I'm nice and warmhearted - 3 people (true) tell me I have a hard heart and I believe them. What's that about? I'm finding out.

And I will focus on those 3....who don't fit for me- and not focus on the 97 out there that are worth my trust and friendship! I try to move ahead in small steps and wait to see how others respond to me, as things progress I will then grant my trust and not before. The only reason most people have hurt me is because I gave them my permission to do so. The good thing about pain is that the sore spots that ache and remind us to not 'go there' again.

I've been told that by alot of people, maybe not in so many words. Even my mother has told me that I come off that way. She knows how loving I am but she has also said I can be very cold. I have the ability I realize this and it's been a battle for me lately, I slip into self protection mode. Anyway sometimes I think people are quick to say I am hard because I am honest, and tend to be very blunt. The toughest thing for me has been that my AH was the only man I have ever really been seriously involved with. The only person I ever let into my world all the way and shared all of myself with him, and my first reaction to all of his behavior was that I was being mocked, he has laughed at me, and rejected me and thrown things back in my face. The only person I have ever opened up to so intimately used it against me. Sorry to babble.
You know it's kind of funny, talkingabout this made me think of something that happened when I was eighteen. One of my best friends stopped by and had picked up an air freshener that made her think of me. It was Garfield and the balloon said " I don't love anything" I remember saying this made you think of me? And she gave me the classic No s***t response. Surprised that I was surprised. That was 17 years ago. Makes me think a little.

I too have been told I am cold hearted or rough around the edges. I have no clue how to get close to people. Intimacy is my biggest problem. I find it very difficult to be vunerable and actually feel uncomfortable when people I know love me, hug me or tell me they love me. I can't say those 3 words back, well with my therapists help I was able for the first time in 28yrs tell my step mother I loved her. It always bothered me that I never did but I just couldn't get the words to come out of my mouth.
What am I so afraid of, really? I lost my dad at a very young age and I used to tell him and he me that I/we loved eachother. Never, did my mother utter these words to me until she was on her death bed. The word love was taboo in my home.
Maybe I'm afraid if I let people get to close they will leave. Maybe I'm afraid people will find out that the strong, self-reliant person they have seen me to be is not really who I am. I don't want ANYONE to know how weak I feel on the inside. It's all a big lie I tell to myself and portray to those around me. This issue is a tough one for me to tackle. Thanks for letting me share and thank you for the topic, it's something I struggle with everyday.

Wow... Im so impressed with how open everyone is .... Now this is a beautiful thing to watch.

I found something else in this book that hit home with me as well with ACOA

The message from an actively alcoholic parent were already recorded on the so-called parent tapes of the child... Students described these messages as follows: Don't touch...don't talk...don't get close to anyone...don't allow yourself to feel...don't touch or allow yourself to be touched...always stay on the alert and be ready to adjust to the unpredictable. In general, life is colorless though the these lenses. There seems to be an emotional numbness, a fear of relating to others, a distrust of one's own reactions. Sometimes it looks as though the whole world is having a large and happy picnic. The ACOA doesn't feel invited. He or she stands alone, looking sadly through the fence.


HOLY COW.... how did they know how I felt. Then it talks about unlearning the parent tapes and learning to enjoy life to the fullest. I can honestly say that Im starting to get it .... Im starting to enjoy life.