Fear of Intimacy

Old 10-13-2006, 07:04 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Great post cynay...thank you!

My fears, rejection and that I won't be good enough. In anyway. I have this fear that nothing I do is good enough so I do things people want me to do to make them happy. This fear has really hurt me in the past and I've allowed things to happen that shouldn't. But, I'm doing much better now
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Old 10-13-2006, 08:02 AM
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Originally Posted by denny57
That someone will take what I share from my heart and some day use it to mock me and it. That was a family game and I hated it.
Hey Cuz,
My family too, my fears are the same. All my life I have felt that way. I have a tendency to be very unapproachable, some say cold. I've been told I have a hard heart. I really think I am a very caring person but it takes me a long time to let someone in. I 've been battling old demons with all that has happened with my AH. It has been very difficult to not put my walls back up and become my old hard a** self.

Rejection is big for me too. I cannot handle it in any way. I have been consistently rejected for the last three years. It hurts. It's really done a number on my self esteem.
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Old 10-13-2006, 08:19 AM
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Originally Posted by marriedithink
I've been told I have a hard heart.
First, thank you for the laugh with the cuz thing. How true is that?

I'm curious - have you been told this by everyone you meet or just certain people? This was an eye opener for me in therapy. 100 people tell me I'm nice and warmhearted - 3 people (true) tell me I have a hard heart and I believe them. What's that about? I'm finding out.
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Old 10-13-2006, 08:37 AM
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100 people tell me I'm nice and warmhearted - 3 people (true) tell me I have a hard heart and I believe them. What's that about? I'm finding out.
And I will focus on those 3....who don't fit for me- and not focus on the 97 out there that are worth my trust and friendship! I try to move ahead in small steps and wait to see how others respond to me, as things progress I will then grant my trust and not before. The only reason most people have hurt me is because I gave them my permission to do so. The good thing about pain is that the sore spots that ache and remind us to not 'go there' again.
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Old 10-13-2006, 08:49 AM
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Originally Posted by denny57
I'm curious - have you been told this by everyone you meet or just certain people?
I've been told that by alot of people, maybe not in so many words. Even my mother has told me that I come off that way. She knows how loving I am but she has also said I can be very cold. I have the ability I realize this and it's been a battle for me lately, I slip into self protection mode. Anyway sometimes I think people are quick to say I am hard because I am honest, and tend to be very blunt. The toughest thing for me has been that my AH was the only man I have ever really been seriously involved with. The only person I ever let into my world all the way and shared all of myself with him, and my first reaction to all of his behavior was that I was being mocked, he has laughed at me, and rejected me and thrown things back in my face. The only person I have ever opened up to so intimately used it against me. Sorry to babble.
You know it's kind of funny, talkingabout this made me think of something that happened when I was eighteen. One of my best friends stopped by and had picked up an air freshener that made her think of me. It was Garfield and the balloon said " I don't love anything" I remember saying this made you think of me? And she gave me the classic No s***t response. Surprised that I was surprised. That was 17 years ago. Makes me think a little.
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Old 10-13-2006, 02:40 PM
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I too have been told I am cold hearted or rough around the edges. I have no clue how to get close to people. Intimacy is my biggest problem. I find it very difficult to be vunerable and actually feel uncomfortable when people I know love me, hug me or tell me they love me. I can't say those 3 words back, well with my therapists help I was able for the first time in 28yrs tell my step mother I loved her. It always bothered me that I never did but I just couldn't get the words to come out of my mouth.
What am I so afraid of, really? I lost my dad at a very young age and I used to tell him and he me that I/we loved eachother. Never, did my mother utter these words to me until she was on her death bed. The word love was taboo in my home.
Maybe I'm afraid if I let people get to close they will leave. Maybe I'm afraid people will find out that the strong, self-reliant person they have seen me to be is not really who I am. I don't want ANYONE to know how weak I feel on the inside. It's all a big lie I tell to myself and portray to those around me. This issue is a tough one for me to tackle. Thanks for letting me share and thank you for the topic, it's something I struggle with everyday.
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Old 10-13-2006, 03:37 PM
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Wow... Im so impressed with how open everyone is .... Now this is a beautiful thing to watch.

I found something else in this book that hit home with me as well with ACOA

The message from an actively alcoholic parent were already recorded on the so-called parent tapes of the child... Students described these messages as follows: Don't touch...don't talk...don't get close to anyone...don't allow yourself to feel...don't touch or allow yourself to be touched...always stay on the alert and be ready to adjust to the unpredictable. In general, life is colorless though the these lenses. There seems to be an emotional numbness, a fear of relating to others, a distrust of one's own reactions. Sometimes it looks as though the whole world is having a large and happy picnic. The ACOA doesn't feel invited. He or she stands alone, looking sadly through the fence.


HOLY COW.... how did they know how I felt. Then it talks about unlearning the parent tapes and learning to enjoy life to the fullest. I can honestly say that Im starting to get it .... Im starting to enjoy life.
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