Fireside

Tell me why again it is that we keep taking them back? Why do we keep giving them second chances (when they really are fifth and ninth chances)?

denny57

When I seriously started asking myself that question, I learned that was a behavior I could change.

deax

We're not educated enough about the realities.
We love them.
We need to be needed to feel special and indispensible.
We're kind.
We think we and our love will change them and improve their lives, again making us a savior and therefore indispensible.
We're hopeful.
We think this will be the time and we don't want to give up on them too soon.
We're used to feeling like victims and martyrs.
We have low self-esteem.
We look forward to proving everyone wrong, esp our families and friends.
We're controlling and insecure.
We feel bad for them.
We know they try really hard sometimes, and that they love us.
We don't want to be alone.
We don't want to admit defeat.
We're repeating old emotional patterns and don't know it.

Those are just some of the reasons. Oh wait, maybe those are just mine.

RC3

I know why I keep taking him back. It is because I hold on to hope that some day the addiction will be over, because I want that so bad I always hope that this last time he will want it to be over just as bad as me.

an'ka

We hope, we hope, we hope for the better. Lately, though, I am asking myself--isn't blind hope simply foolishness when not accompanied by positive action? When we give our spouses/partners fifty chances and there is no indication of progress, and yet we keep taking them back hoping to have a normal family again, isn't that the definition of insanity--doing the same thing and expecting different results? Food for thought.

Cynay

Because we are sick from the disease of Alcoholism

marriedithink

Mine too!

Ayers1995

Just when i'm sick of it.. he starts trying and it makes me feel as if I'm just being unfair and maybe haven't given him a real chance... even though I know I have....

StandingStrong

Ayers, I gave more chances than I could ever even try to count. I took the blame and the guilt way more often than I ever should have or needed too.
Today, I see the reality a little differently. My AH had numerous chances. He had numerous opportunities in which to get help, improve, prove himself to me, etc etc etc.
It no longer really matters to me who is at fault here - the truth is simply that we can't live together and both be happy and have the kind of marriage that we always hoped we'd have.
We could try again - but after having watched my AH's continued behavour and my continued behaviour, I understand that it still would not work out.
Now, that is not to say that maybe the two of you couldn't work it out as I know that some couples do.
I just know that for me, it took changing my attitude, my actions, etc. to make the difference in my life. So that I could have a better life.

What is it that you want to do? What is it that you really want?

He has to own his own issues - you have to own your own. Can you tell the difference?

Ayers1995

Oh I absolutely agree with you that we each have to own our own issues. I have read and continue to read about my own recovery, and learn about his alcoholism. He does nothing. I want happiness. He wants to wait it out and probably return to our old life... where he still doesn't have to do anything and gets to keep his family.

I have given chances for the past 7 years. 7 !! I was nice about it for 6.. then I got serious.... and now I'm fed up. This whole year has been the same broken record from him and from ME.

I was surely not saying by any means that you had not given your AH the chances... I was just stating my own reasons why/how I end up at the same point.

CatsTail

For myself I'm definitely repeating old patterns,care taking my mother trying to get her love.

That's where my relationships go to.

Ngaire

mallowcup

I think we stay because we think it's the right thing to do.

Ayers1995

I think you are right too Mallow... we think it's the right thing to keep giving chance after chance....

I'll tell you... it's really done a number on me......

an'ka

My mother, who was also married to a severe alcoholic, tells me that if I go on giving chances, I will wake up fifteen or twenty years later in the same position I am today. Of course, I keep denying it, saying that I wouldn't allow it, I'll get completely fed up one day....BUT, her statement finally clicked last week and scared the bejesus out of me. It has already been two years. Once again, I offered him my apartment to stay in until he finds a job, and once again, I find myself anxious, just like before we separated, just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Who is to say that this will not continue for another ten years or longer? I will be in my forties then. That almost gave me a panic attack.

denny57

an'ka - I had plenty of panic attacks - I was 48 when I left - after 18 years. I was in denial for a very long time. Once our family doctor said to me exactly what you have said above - how many depressed women he sees in their 50s, 60s, 70s and on, who wished they had got out, I took steps to take care of myself.

Every day I thank my HP that I met the friend (a recovering alcoholic) who helped open my eyes to what was going on and urged me to try Al-Anon. She spoke the truth and it was a relief to hear.

lilac

because we love them...........because we think it is the right thing to do.............

jimhere

My advice is to get yourself a good Al-Anon sponsor.
Jim

prodigal

We take them back and give them umpteen chances because we think having a body around is better than facing life alone. Frankly, I think we're afraid to be completely emotionally naked in front of ourselves. As long as some poor, screwed-up addict is around to hold our attention and in whom we can invest our emotions, we don't have to really look at ourselves.

When I finally looked inside myself I found I had lots of questions but very few answers. That is the result of focusing on anybody and everybody but myself for most of my life.

mallowcup

When we bond our lives with them, we also form other very meaninful loving relationships with his parents, who are probably the grandparents of your children, his extended family, we have memories and traditions. We may think how our leaving would break all of those peoples hearts, make them worry, even cry. We don't want any of them to know how bad it really is.

Ayers1995

That is so true.... we don't really want anyone to know how bad it really is...