Hello
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Ga
Posts: 6
Hello
I just found this forum, and I'm so glad I did.
I was "just married" in June, to a recovering alcohlic.
Sober for two yrs. AA cetified and all. Nice guy too.
Guess what?
Seems he never did quit drinking, just got good at lying and hiding it.
Since June He's gone from no drinking to a little, then to drinking a lot, then blackouts, then remorse and appologies, then promising to quit, then detoxing and seemingly sober for as long as a week at times, and then insisting that he doesnt really have a problem, just likes a glass of wine now and then and I should accept him warts and all. Back to a couple glasses of wine now and then. And round and round. 5 times since June.
I feel a little sick.
I've tried ultimatums. I've tried being sympathetic and supportive. I've been trying to educate myself at the same time, and I know now it doesnt matter what I do or say.
He's good. He knows all the tricks. But I'm catching on.
I just found out He's also been using xanax and valium (for 2 yrs). Sometimes instead of drinking, sometimes with. He buys those on line. He used the drugs instead of drinking so I would think he was detoxing.
I'm 52 yrs old, I have MS, and I dont drink or use drugs.
I detest being lied to, and I cant figure out why in the world he wanted to marry me. I feel like I've been tricked.
I have a very small SS disability income. Very small.
My last divorce resuted in a small but lifelong award of spousal support
which I lost when I married in June.
I'm in a bad spot.
I dont have much hope that he will ever quit
drinking and using drugs, but if we divorce this soon I'm screwed.
It might seem cold, but I'm accually thinking I can hang in there long enough.
You know what I'm saying?
He'll either quit or die from it I figure.
This morning I couldnt stop crying. Tonight I have a plan. I'm going to look out for myself for once.
Drink up Pumpkin !!
You know, I used to be a real nice person.
I was "just married" in June, to a recovering alcohlic.
Sober for two yrs. AA cetified and all. Nice guy too.
Guess what?
Seems he never did quit drinking, just got good at lying and hiding it.
Since June He's gone from no drinking to a little, then to drinking a lot, then blackouts, then remorse and appologies, then promising to quit, then detoxing and seemingly sober for as long as a week at times, and then insisting that he doesnt really have a problem, just likes a glass of wine now and then and I should accept him warts and all. Back to a couple glasses of wine now and then. And round and round. 5 times since June.
I feel a little sick.
I've tried ultimatums. I've tried being sympathetic and supportive. I've been trying to educate myself at the same time, and I know now it doesnt matter what I do or say.
He's good. He knows all the tricks. But I'm catching on.
I just found out He's also been using xanax and valium (for 2 yrs). Sometimes instead of drinking, sometimes with. He buys those on line. He used the drugs instead of drinking so I would think he was detoxing.
I'm 52 yrs old, I have MS, and I dont drink or use drugs.
I detest being lied to, and I cant figure out why in the world he wanted to marry me. I feel like I've been tricked.
I have a very small SS disability income. Very small.
My last divorce resuted in a small but lifelong award of spousal support
which I lost when I married in June.
I'm in a bad spot.
I dont have much hope that he will ever quit
drinking and using drugs, but if we divorce this soon I'm screwed.
It might seem cold, but I'm accually thinking I can hang in there long enough.
You know what I'm saying?
He'll either quit or die from it I figure.
This morning I couldnt stop crying. Tonight I have a plan. I'm going to look out for myself for once.
Drink up Pumpkin !!
You know, I used to be a real nice person.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Welcome to SR....
You are still a nice person, but living with an active Alcoholic/drug user will bring out the worst in anyone hon. Im sorry you are going through this, especially for only being married since June.... geeezzzz
Well I could probably tell you why he wanted to marry, Alcoholics will seek out partners that are usually codependant... they need someone to enable them.... Honestly this really is not about you, its about his disease.
What has worked for me is learning everything I can about the disease, theraphy and Al-anon. There is nothing like the face to face support of people that really do understand. Start with the stickies at the top... and there is a good list of books too. Have you ever been exposed to life with an Alcoholic before?
Also it helps to remember .... You did not cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it... No amount of crying, begging, anger.... nothing will keep an Alcoholic from drinking till he wants to stop.
Know that your not alone in your struggles, we are open 24/7 and I look forward to getting to know you.
You are still a nice person, but living with an active Alcoholic/drug user will bring out the worst in anyone hon. Im sorry you are going through this, especially for only being married since June.... geeezzzz
Well I could probably tell you why he wanted to marry, Alcoholics will seek out partners that are usually codependant... they need someone to enable them.... Honestly this really is not about you, its about his disease.
What has worked for me is learning everything I can about the disease, theraphy and Al-anon. There is nothing like the face to face support of people that really do understand. Start with the stickies at the top... and there is a good list of books too. Have you ever been exposed to life with an Alcoholic before?
Also it helps to remember .... You did not cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it... No amount of crying, begging, anger.... nothing will keep an Alcoholic from drinking till he wants to stop.
Know that your not alone in your struggles, we are open 24/7 and I look forward to getting to know you.
1000 Post Club
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Recoveryville, USA
Posts: 1,297
Welcome, JustMarried-
Im sorry for your pain. Alcoholics do lie and manipulate us to get what they want (you to marry him). Its the disease that drives them to insanity. Insane people do insane things. It hurts. I know.
Do you attend alanon? If not, highly suggest it. Help,hope and friends await you there....its a family of people who understand like no other can.
Love to you and keep coming back!
Im sorry for your pain. Alcoholics do lie and manipulate us to get what they want (you to marry him). Its the disease that drives them to insanity. Insane people do insane things. It hurts. I know.
Do you attend alanon? If not, highly suggest it. Help,hope and friends await you there....its a family of people who understand like no other can.
Love to you and keep coming back!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 9
I'm feeling your pain and know the cycle. Not married, but one year in a relationship that I'm not ready to give up on yet (similar money issues). Would like to think there is hope for all of us as we continue to gain support here, on this site!
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
I detest being lied to, and I cant figure out why in the world he wanted to marry me.
Instead of asking the question above, here's the question that perhaps you should be asking yourself: Why in the world did you want to marry him?
And why in the world would you consider staying the course? What possible benefit could you get by staying with a man who's clearly lied to you and manipulated you?
If you stay the course, be prepared for more lies, more manipulation, more heartache, LOTS more drinking, and LOTS more drugging. And oh yes, be prepared for him to lose his job and expect you to take care of all his financial needs. And be prepared for him to get arrested for drunk driving and to bail him out and pay for his attorney's fees. And be prepared for some verbal and perhaps physical abuse. And a little cheating here and there along the way.
Last edited by Cynay; 10-09-2006 at 09:22 PM.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
Marriage is supposed to be entered into soberly. He wasn't. You need to spend your energy wisely, you need positive energy around you. Think of you. take care of you. He has broken the vows. You have no obligation to stay.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
Sounds like money might be a problem for leaving. Contact a womens shelter, talk to them, see what they offer, how they can help if needed.
Getting info and ideas is a great help.
Did you move in with him, or he with you, do you own your home??
Keep coming back, you are not alone. ((Hugs))
Getting info and ideas is a great help.
Did you move in with him, or he with you, do you own your home??
Keep coming back, you are not alone. ((Hugs))
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
"Just Married" let me tell you something...
A guy was waiting for his daily bus for work. The bus was late. But what they hey, he would have a chance to kick back and read the paper. After the bus was 15 minutes late, he had a dilemma: it would take him 15 minutes to walk at a brisk pace to work. On the other hand, he'd already put 15 extra minutes of his time into waiting for the bus. The bus arrived an hour late. If he had started walking when the bus was just 15 minutes behind schedule, he would have wasted 1/2 hour. As it was, by waiting for the bus he wasted waaayyyy more than an entire hour. I'd tell you how much he wasted, but I'm a math moron.
I was friends with a lady who had M.S. She attended one of my regular meetings when I lived in Maryland. She worked, she ran a home, she was raising two teenagers. She could no longer drive due to vision problems. But she made the decision to continue working, even though her husband made a good salary. Perhaps you cannot work. On the other hand, you have a disease that can be exacerbated by additional stress.
You now have additional stress.
I am assuming that prior to your marriage you were able to manage your own financial affairs and basically care for yourself. Perhaps you needed some help. What you have married is NOT help. You now have an additional hinderance to the burden you must already bear. Life is very, very short for all of us. Please consider alternatives to this situation. Ask yourself why you made this decision. Get to an Al-Anon meeting so you can focus your attention on the single most important person in your life: YOU.
I was friends with a lady who had M.S. She attended one of my regular meetings when I lived in Maryland. She worked, she ran a home, she was raising two teenagers. She could no longer drive due to vision problems. But she made the decision to continue working, even though her husband made a good salary. Perhaps you cannot work. On the other hand, you have a disease that can be exacerbated by additional stress.
You now have additional stress.
I am assuming that prior to your marriage you were able to manage your own financial affairs and basically care for yourself. Perhaps you needed some help. What you have married is NOT help. You now have an additional hinderance to the burden you must already bear. Life is very, very short for all of us. Please consider alternatives to this situation. Ask yourself why you made this decision. Get to an Al-Anon meeting so you can focus your attention on the single most important person in your life: YOU.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Ga
Posts: 6
Wow,
Lots to think about here. Well, I married him because we seemed to get along so well, playing cards, going on little trips, fishing, enjoying everything we did together. That is, until the drinking got noticable. I couldnt understand why,
when evrything was going so well that he would want to go back to drinking.
I should have seen the potential for disaster from the start, but I thought he had kicked the habit. I really did. He convinced me that he had.
Then he convinced me he wanted to quit again. And again.
I know I'll be ok. I can manage on my own once I make up my mind.
I talked to him last night, and offered to go to couples counceling with him. He wants to think about things, and he'll call me.
I emailed him after that and appologized for not being accepting of his flaws. I wanted to see what he'll do with that. If I play the enabler to the hilt what will he do?
Pointless isnt it?
I need to get out of this or I'll be as insane as he is.
Oh- we dont even live together yet. He's an hour away. Long story.
So, thats a good thing.
There's definately something wrong with me. I know that just from reading my own words.
I know what I need to do, now if I can just do it.
RUN DONT WALK TO THE NEAREST EXIT! the building is on fire.
Thanks for all the insight,
Corinne
Lots to think about here. Well, I married him because we seemed to get along so well, playing cards, going on little trips, fishing, enjoying everything we did together. That is, until the drinking got noticable. I couldnt understand why,
when evrything was going so well that he would want to go back to drinking.
I should have seen the potential for disaster from the start, but I thought he had kicked the habit. I really did. He convinced me that he had.
Then he convinced me he wanted to quit again. And again.
I know I'll be ok. I can manage on my own once I make up my mind.
I talked to him last night, and offered to go to couples counceling with him. He wants to think about things, and he'll call me.
I emailed him after that and appologized for not being accepting of his flaws. I wanted to see what he'll do with that. If I play the enabler to the hilt what will he do?
Pointless isnt it?
I need to get out of this or I'll be as insane as he is.
Oh- we dont even live together yet. He's an hour away. Long story.
So, thats a good thing.
There's definately something wrong with me. I know that just from reading my own words.
I know what I need to do, now if I can just do it.
RUN DONT WALK TO THE NEAREST EXIT! the building is on fire.
Thanks for all the insight,
Corinne
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Dang.....
Well first of all it is my understanding that most councelors will not even try as long as there is active addiction involved.... I dont blame them, its a waste of time sweetie.
I was a control freak when I was with my alcoholic.... I would try all the different angles to control his behavior and drinking.... I was the supportive girlfriend, I was the crazy women yelling, I was the depressed crying freak (ohhh how could he see my pain and not respond) at the very end I was even the stalker.... Drive by the house to see if there is another women there .... etc.... My whole point in this is ... I wish I had stopped trying to control him and started to control me. If I had taken the focus off him and put it firmly on me.... my actions..... my life...... my attitude I not only would not have driven myself insane.... I would not have wasted my time thinking I was powerful enough to change another person.
Keep reading, go to Al-anon.... get support ... whatever you need but dont waste your time playing a game with an Alcoholic.... you will loose every time.
Well first of all it is my understanding that most councelors will not even try as long as there is active addiction involved.... I dont blame them, its a waste of time sweetie.
I was a control freak when I was with my alcoholic.... I would try all the different angles to control his behavior and drinking.... I was the supportive girlfriend, I was the crazy women yelling, I was the depressed crying freak (ohhh how could he see my pain and not respond) at the very end I was even the stalker.... Drive by the house to see if there is another women there .... etc.... My whole point in this is ... I wish I had stopped trying to control him and started to control me. If I had taken the focus off him and put it firmly on me.... my actions..... my life...... my attitude I not only would not have driven myself insane.... I would not have wasted my time thinking I was powerful enough to change another person.
Keep reading, go to Al-anon.... get support ... whatever you need but dont waste your time playing a game with an Alcoholic.... you will loose every time.
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