AllTooSober

Part of the question you have to answer for yourself too is whether you're willing to endure the pain of their recovery, or their lack of recovery. It sounds like you're willing to endure it, and the more power to you, I say. For me, I just don't think I can put myself through it, especially if I'm having such a hard time now, when things aren't even all that bad. I had a seven year relationship with a full-on emotional abuser who completely ignored me unless he wanted me to do something for him that he was just too "important" to spend his precious time on. I was fortunate enough to escape that with my self-esteem intact and fully believing that I deserved better. Now, even though my A is immeasurably better than my ex, he's still not giving me what I really need. Or, to put it better, what I really need isn't something he can "give" me... peace comes from within and I can't find it with him, or so it seems to me today.

LaTeeDa

What I found out in therapy was that there was a reason I chose to be with an alcoholic. Even though I can honestly say that I didn't realize that's what he was at the time we first got together 18 years ago, he needed me. And I needed to be needed. I know now that is not a good foundation for a healthy relationship, but because of my childhood, I was looking to him to fill my unmet needs.

I have learned that not only are there no Prince Charmings out there, I don't need a man in my life to be a complete person. An intimate relationship is a wonderful luxury, but it's not required for happiness. I'm still learning, but I know that I do not have to endure unacceptable behavior as a trade-off for being loved.

L

Minx1969

Sure..I agree that everyone has issues but not everyone wants to work on their issues.

My martyr complex of "everyone has problems and I can stay (and stay and stay) in this relationship and work on it" kept me in way too many unhealthy relationships for too long.

What if you were in a relationship that really wasn't a lot of work?

What if you really didn't have to compromise too much of yourself, your needs for the sake of "the relationship".

AllTooSober

I wonder just what it is I get out of the relationship, apart from the good things I mentioned. I know that I don't *need* those things, so there must be something more. I wonder if I'm addicted to the drama, or to try and rescue people. He doesn't *need* me and has never given the impression that he does. He simply loves having me around.

LaTeeDa, I love what you said about not having to endure unacceptable behavior. I'll have to remember that.

GettingBy

((((Alltoosober)))),

Only you can decide if you're overreacting. Al-anon can help you get your priorities and focus in order so you can decide for yourself what you want out of life.

Take the time today to focus on you, and do something good for you. Al-anon is a great place start.

:-) Shannon

P.S. I wanted to add this...

My husband and I had a very similiar situation when we first started dating. Was/Is he an alcoholic? That question drove me absolutely nuts. My life was out of control simply due to the fact that I was trying to figure out/control his drinking... just so we could get on with our wedding, have children etc. Al-anon was what helped me get my focus back. I learned how to live and let live, and take one day at a time. We've been married 2 years now, have a 2 month old little girl... and life is good. I live one day at a time.

My husband still drinks from time to time. Sometimes he only has a few,and on a rare occasions he does get drunk. Is he an alcoholic? I still don't know. I do know that no matter what he does or doesn't do I have to keep the focus on me, and keep taking care of me (and now my little girl).

I think the key is living one day at a time. Trying to project what the future may or may not be has always lead me straight into insanity.

Take what you like and leave the rest!

denny57

I posted this on another thread and meant to post it here:

Yes, I remember one year in, two, five, 10, 15, thinking the trade-off was worth it. Still don't know why year 18 was my breaking point, but there you go.

Cynay

So, I'd like to hear people's reaction to this. Am I overreacting? Am I wrongly expecting the worst? Have I already stayed too long, knowing that I can't accept this way of life as my own? Am I just nuts altogether?

That pretty much answers the questions in my mind.

If you know that you CAN NOT accept him the way he is today, and be happy with his company then you probably need to turn the focus back on you and figure out why your willing to make excuses to be in a relationship that you dont want.

The only reason I say this is Im SO guilty of this myself...I stay in relationships far longer then I should when I know they are either toxic for me or will never be able to grow into the type of relationship that I need.

blizzard77

This is almost exactly what my counselor told both of us at our second joint session. He also found it interesting that although AH is 9 months sober (not working a program, which to me is key) that we continue to sleep in separate rooms and I avoid sexual intamacy with him.
He then looked at AH and said, "it's difficult to make love to your child." then he says to me, "you chose that caretaking "mother" role in his life and now it ain't working for you, now that he's sober."
Lots to work on and work through but we've both decided on 6 months of therapy and if nothing changes, I will file for divorce. He doesn't want this but if he can't grow up, step up to the plate and take on the adult responsibilities his addiction and my codependancy has allowed him to avoid, no marriage can exist on such terms. Interestingly enough he came home from the session, said nothing and later went to an AA meeting. Got home and said, " I keep dragging my feet, and I don't know why." Neither do I and it don't really matter anymore. Actions not words. That goes for me too!! thanks for the post. It's just what I needed to hear today.