New
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 14
New
I just joined and wanted to say hi. I live with an alcoholic and I have been disappointed by him once again. My life is a roller coaster 2 good days 3 bad, 1 good 2 bad and so on. He refuses to get help refuses to see that he is doing anything wrong. Supposedly I have the problem, even though he's the one who drinks 7 days a week. I do have a problem a few of them 1.I've thrown him out a few times and I end being the one calling him and crying please come back. 2.I keep believing that something I do or say is going to make him wake up. Last night I wanted to take the kids to McDonalds, he said okay meet me there. I got there 5:50 I called him he said he was on his way he'd be there in 15-20 minutes. 8:00 came he never showed up, called him 7 times on his cell phone, didn't answer one call. Went home of course the kids asked where was he why didn't he show up and so on. He called at 9:30 "Whats up" I said Why dont you tell me whats up. "I messed up" I said yes you messed up once again!!! You have a choice go to a rehab or get the ****** out. Of course he hung up on me. Needless to say he didn't come home last night. Going home soon from work don't know what will be waiting for me. Either he will be or he packed his bags while I was at work. This time I have to stick to what I say. I cannot call him crying that I'm sorry please come back home. You know that I have given him this ultimatum many times, go to a rehab or it's over, and his answer is okay I guess I'll find a new place to live!!! Thanks for listening. I need to be STRONG!!!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Welcome to SR.... we are glad you joined us.
Yea... meaning what you say and saying what you mean was a hard one for me to do as well. Its tough once the anger dims and your lonely and hurt... Heck Im still lonely and hurt.
One of the things you will hear when your talking about going back is ... play the tape all the way though.... It usually ends the same way, hurt for you and the kids.... fights .... his proving to you once again that you are easy to walk away from and you digging a deeper hole to bury yourself into.... that is my story anyway.
What I do now that seems to be working is theraphy (why I dont think I deserve more then that & destructive behavior I repeat) Al-anon, to keep the focus on me and building a support group of people that REALLY understand and reading reading reading.... I just got done with Under the Influence... boy that was an eye opener.
Im sure its hard on the kids too.... they always feel stuck in the middle and just dont understand.
I look forward to getting to know you, read the stickies at the top and learn all you can about the disease of Alcoholism.
Yea... meaning what you say and saying what you mean was a hard one for me to do as well. Its tough once the anger dims and your lonely and hurt... Heck Im still lonely and hurt.
One of the things you will hear when your talking about going back is ... play the tape all the way though.... It usually ends the same way, hurt for you and the kids.... fights .... his proving to you once again that you are easy to walk away from and you digging a deeper hole to bury yourself into.... that is my story anyway.
What I do now that seems to be working is theraphy (why I dont think I deserve more then that & destructive behavior I repeat) Al-anon, to keep the focus on me and building a support group of people that REALLY understand and reading reading reading.... I just got done with Under the Influence... boy that was an eye opener.
Im sure its hard on the kids too.... they always feel stuck in the middle and just dont understand.
I look forward to getting to know you, read the stickies at the top and learn all you can about the disease of Alcoholism.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: nor cal
Posts: 113
Welcome,
When I left my ex he must have came to live with you LOL.
Just be sure if your ah goes to rehab he isn't just doing it to get you to stay.
They have to go for themselves and want to get help.
Mine went 3 times and never got it cause he was doing it to keep me and his employer happy. I rode the rollar coaster for 23 years.
And even though they get sober, sometimes the as%$hole remains.
Don't mean to burst any bubbles just being real.
Be patient and give yourself time. Actions speak louder than words when it comes to dealing with an alcoholic.
Glad you are here.
When I left my ex he must have came to live with you LOL.
Just be sure if your ah goes to rehab he isn't just doing it to get you to stay.
They have to go for themselves and want to get help.
Mine went 3 times and never got it cause he was doing it to keep me and his employer happy. I rode the rollar coaster for 23 years.
And even though they get sober, sometimes the as%$hole remains.
Don't mean to burst any bubbles just being real.
Be patient and give yourself time. Actions speak louder than words when it comes to dealing with an alcoholic.
Glad you are here.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
You know what happens when we ride the roller coaster too long? We get sick. And I don't mean just barfing your brains out, like we did at amusement parks when we were kids. I mean we get emotionally, mentally, and physically sick. That's what happened to me. I rode the roller coaster for 24 years before I decided that I had enough.
But along the way, I turned to food for comfort and I packed on the pounds. As a result I developed high-blood pressure and a thyroid disorder. The thyroid disorder, which is exacerbated by stress, raged for years and my doctors were never able to successfully control it. This lead to chronic atrial fibulation--a rapid and irregular heartbeat and resulted in a pulse of 312 beats per minute, a brush with death, and a trip to the emergency room a few weeks ago. And I'm only 46 years old.
So who is responsible for my health problems? My alcoholic boyfriend? Nope. I am. I chose to ride the roller coaster until I was sick--emotionally, mentally, and physically.
I'd hate to see you follow in my footsteps. The sooner you get off the ride, the sooner you'll feel better.
But along the way, I turned to food for comfort and I packed on the pounds. As a result I developed high-blood pressure and a thyroid disorder. The thyroid disorder, which is exacerbated by stress, raged for years and my doctors were never able to successfully control it. This lead to chronic atrial fibulation--a rapid and irregular heartbeat and resulted in a pulse of 312 beats per minute, a brush with death, and a trip to the emergency room a few weeks ago. And I'm only 46 years old.
So who is responsible for my health problems? My alcoholic boyfriend? Nope. I am. I chose to ride the roller coaster until I was sick--emotionally, mentally, and physically.
I'd hate to see you follow in my footsteps. The sooner you get off the ride, the sooner you'll feel better.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
RC2 ... welcome and please keep coming back. You will meet some awesome people on this board. I've been here a long time and I can attest to the fact that I've learned a great deal from those who have survived with an alcoholic. One thing you will start to get from these posts: the alcoholic will merrily go off into laa-laa land and not give a hoot as to who he or she destroys. In the meantime, all the enablers and loved ones and sober family and friends will end up with ulcers, high blood pressure, hives, asthma, etc.
This disease destroys them, but if they keep picking up they really don't care because that drink is worth their life. On the other hand, we are destroyed as well but we really feel the impact of the destruction.
We have people who post here once and don't like the answers they get. We have people who post a few times and argue to the death their point, which is grounded in denial. We have people who stay and move on. We have people who have been here a long time and they are still here.
Perhaps you should stay here for awhile. Maybe this board will be a haven of relief for you. I don't know. I leave that up to you to decide. You are in a lot of emotional pain and you need to address YOUR pain. His pain is getting in the way of YOUR life. Let him own his pain; please work on your own.
This disease destroys them, but if they keep picking up they really don't care because that drink is worth their life. On the other hand, we are destroyed as well but we really feel the impact of the destruction.
We have people who post here once and don't like the answers they get. We have people who post a few times and argue to the death their point, which is grounded in denial. We have people who stay and move on. We have people who have been here a long time and they are still here.
Perhaps you should stay here for awhile. Maybe this board will be a haven of relief for you. I don't know. I leave that up to you to decide. You are in a lot of emotional pain and you need to address YOUR pain. His pain is getting in the way of YOUR life. Let him own his pain; please work on your own.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Fayette, AL
Posts: 26
I have rode that same rollercoaster. It is a hard ride and one that seems to never end.
Alcohilcs are just like drug addicts you can trust or believe anything they say. They will tell you one thing but do another and they are always right.
This board is an excellant place to come for advice because there are alot of us on here that are or have been on the coaster.
You just have to learn to take care of YOU. Don't let his disease get you down and out just keep your head high and keep having faith.
Alcohilcs are just like drug addicts you can trust or believe anything they say. They will tell you one thing but do another and they are always right.
This board is an excellant place to come for advice because there are alot of us on here that are or have been on the coaster.
You just have to learn to take care of YOU. Don't let his disease get you down and out just keep your head high and keep having faith.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 14
Thank you all for your support. I just spoke to him he is already drunk and it's only 11:30 am. Last night was okay, he didn't come home so I didn't have to deal with him. Although I am in tears right now because I did it once again, tried to talk to him and make him see what I am seeing and as usual he protects his drinking like it was a newborn baby. I allow myself to get more frustrated the more he doesnt see what I'm seeing the more I try the more he reists the more frustrated and anxious I get. Former Doormat, I understand what your saying, since I have been with him I have severe anxiety and obsessive behavior that I am now on medication. I hope he comes home when I'm not there and takes his things. I don't want to see him I'm afraid I wont be able to stop trying to make him see what he is doing to us. He already said his choice to my ultimatum, go to rehab or its over he chose to end it. He said I'm not going to rehab so you can forget it, I need time to get save money and get an apt. I dont want to give him time, he will use that time to sucker me in again.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 14
It does feel good to know that we are not alone. Sometimes I actually think maybe its me, maybe I'm making too much out of his drinking. Maybe I just need to chill out a bit, but I know the truth.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: East
Posts: 43
<<tried to talk to him and make him see what I am seeing and as usual he protects his drinking like it was a newborn baby.>>
This gripped me. It made bells go off in my head. My stomach flipped. Ooooh bad memories! I remember saying the same thing 7 months ago, when I came here. I hope this is not too harsh.....
'They' will destroy any thing. Every thing. Some things. Or all things. Most importantly, your self-esteem. You hurl ultimatums and they easily and effortlessly stomp away muttering (or yelling) "Fine!" And you're left there, wondering, how in the hell can she/he pick that over me? Over the years, you start thinking, "Hm. I'm worthless. S/He doesn't love me.... s/he SAYS they love me and wants to stop... and yet, they can walk away so easily... willing to throw all that we have away. Just to keep drinking/using. What is wrong with me? What is wrong with them?"
Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. They will. Choose it every time. Some times after your threats, (when you just can't take it anymore) panic will kick them into sobriety and 'choosing you' may last 5 minutes, 5 days, 5 weeks or 5 years... but unless they WANT TO QUIT FOR THEM, it will not stick.
Someone once said on here when I was brand new...... You didn't make them use (or quit) .... you don't have that much power.
That thing they use... whatever it may be... will win EVERY SINGLE TIME. WHY? Because YOU threaten their newborn baby... their oxygen.. their lifeline... their security blanket that they wrap that newborn baby in.
I remember the insane conversations that started out moderately decent because we were trying to work it out to stay together. But as his defensiveness grew and my unwillingness to 'buy his excuses" escalated, and the addict stewing inside of him became increasingly panicked and did not want to lose control of him (which I threatened), the discussion would catapult into the Netherworld of Nonsense. (quacking heard for miles!!!)
You talk and try to convince ... but your voice is the voice of REASON. And the demon of addiction... yes, that voice that THINKS and acts for them.... wins every single time.....
That is, without a 1) genuine willingness to stop - (that does not include you dragging them to AA or NA or caused by threatening to leave) ..... 2) A plan 3) A program.
This merry-go-round will go round and round and round and round until someone decides to stop it... (guess who that is) or jump off (guess who that is).
I am speaking from experience. I am not trying to tell you what to do... that decision is yours. I am only giving you hard cold facts that were beaten into my head after I was kicked in the head nu-mer-ous times.
The big question is not "When is he going to see the light?" Or "When will he stop" or "What can I do to help him?" or "When will I be good enough or mean enough to him to stop this?"
The REAL question is "What am I going to do for me (and my children) to make this situation better?" YOU are the only one that can stop this pain YOU are feeling..... just like HE is the only one that can stop HIS pain.
Because clearly...... the addict in him (which remember, thinks and acts and makes alllllll decisions for him right now) is fine with the way things are.
RC... take care of yourself. Listen to your heart. I will pray for you.
Peace, RP
P.S. I used to HATE (and cry myself to sleep) when he said he'd show up somewhere and never did and then sniffed, "I messed up." Granted I go to bed alone now.... but my heart isn't breaking by a broken promise ... one after another after another after another. That hurts so bad.
This gripped me. It made bells go off in my head. My stomach flipped. Ooooh bad memories! I remember saying the same thing 7 months ago, when I came here. I hope this is not too harsh.....
'They' will destroy any thing. Every thing. Some things. Or all things. Most importantly, your self-esteem. You hurl ultimatums and they easily and effortlessly stomp away muttering (or yelling) "Fine!" And you're left there, wondering, how in the hell can she/he pick that over me? Over the years, you start thinking, "Hm. I'm worthless. S/He doesn't love me.... s/he SAYS they love me and wants to stop... and yet, they can walk away so easily... willing to throw all that we have away. Just to keep drinking/using. What is wrong with me? What is wrong with them?"
Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. They will. Choose it every time. Some times after your threats, (when you just can't take it anymore) panic will kick them into sobriety and 'choosing you' may last 5 minutes, 5 days, 5 weeks or 5 years... but unless they WANT TO QUIT FOR THEM, it will not stick.
Someone once said on here when I was brand new...... You didn't make them use (or quit) .... you don't have that much power.
That thing they use... whatever it may be... will win EVERY SINGLE TIME. WHY? Because YOU threaten their newborn baby... their oxygen.. their lifeline... their security blanket that they wrap that newborn baby in.
I remember the insane conversations that started out moderately decent because we were trying to work it out to stay together. But as his defensiveness grew and my unwillingness to 'buy his excuses" escalated, and the addict stewing inside of him became increasingly panicked and did not want to lose control of him (which I threatened), the discussion would catapult into the Netherworld of Nonsense. (quacking heard for miles!!!)
You talk and try to convince ... but your voice is the voice of REASON. And the demon of addiction... yes, that voice that THINKS and acts for them.... wins every single time.....
That is, without a 1) genuine willingness to stop - (that does not include you dragging them to AA or NA or caused by threatening to leave) ..... 2) A plan 3) A program.
This merry-go-round will go round and round and round and round until someone decides to stop it... (guess who that is) or jump off (guess who that is).
I am speaking from experience. I am not trying to tell you what to do... that decision is yours. I am only giving you hard cold facts that were beaten into my head after I was kicked in the head nu-mer-ous times.
The big question is not "When is he going to see the light?" Or "When will he stop" or "What can I do to help him?" or "When will I be good enough or mean enough to him to stop this?"
The REAL question is "What am I going to do for me (and my children) to make this situation better?" YOU are the only one that can stop this pain YOU are feeling..... just like HE is the only one that can stop HIS pain.
Because clearly...... the addict in him (which remember, thinks and acts and makes alllllll decisions for him right now) is fine with the way things are.
RC... take care of yourself. Listen to your heart. I will pray for you.
Peace, RP
P.S. I used to HATE (and cry myself to sleep) when he said he'd show up somewhere and never did and then sniffed, "I messed up." Granted I go to bed alone now.... but my heart isn't breaking by a broken promise ... one after another after another after another. That hurts so bad.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by RisingPhoenix
I remember the insane conversations that started out moderately decent because we were trying to work it out to stay together. But as his defensiveness grew and my unwillingness to 'buy his excuses" escalated, and the addict stewing inside of him became increasingly panicked and did not want to lose control of him (which I threatened), the discussion would catapult into the Netherworld of Nonsense. (quacking heard for miles!!!)
RC, whenever I get to a place where I am questioning what I know to be true regarding the disease, I get myself to a meeting, pick up the phone and call someone in Al-Anon, make an appointment with our doctor or read to remind me. It helps me accept the truth and move on with my day.
Hang in there.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Another thing I would like to point out is that after years of living with an Alcoholic and riding the roller coaster.... our tolerance progresses too.
Just like the longer the alcoholic drinks, there tolerance of the toxin increases.... our drug of choice is the Alcoholic so the longer we stay in that situation the more our tolerance of the toxin increases..... afterall its a progressive disease and not just for the Alcoholic.
Things that 10 years ago I would NEVER have put up with or things they do that I would never give a second, third....... chance are the very same things today that I do. Because my tolerance is so high I was "gratefull" to accept the unacceptable behavior because it was at least better then the "really" unacceptable behavior they were doing before.... Does that make sense?
Another words the deeper we get into our disease the less likely we will see just how unacceptable what is happening to us is. Today the way I try to look at it is ...... If _________ was doing this to my daughter or she were living with this, how would I feel and what would my advise be. If its not good enough for her ..... it is not good enough for me.
Just like the longer the alcoholic drinks, there tolerance of the toxin increases.... our drug of choice is the Alcoholic so the longer we stay in that situation the more our tolerance of the toxin increases..... afterall its a progressive disease and not just for the Alcoholic.
Things that 10 years ago I would NEVER have put up with or things they do that I would never give a second, third....... chance are the very same things today that I do. Because my tolerance is so high I was "gratefull" to accept the unacceptable behavior because it was at least better then the "really" unacceptable behavior they were doing before.... Does that make sense?
Another words the deeper we get into our disease the less likely we will see just how unacceptable what is happening to us is. Today the way I try to look at it is ...... If _________ was doing this to my daughter or she were living with this, how would I feel and what would my advise be. If its not good enough for her ..... it is not good enough for me.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: CO
Posts: 32
I don't know why I'm still amazed, but I couldn't have said anything any better. It's truly amazing. Every post hit the nail on the head.
One thing I've realized in the past who knows how many years, is that the tolerance for putting up with it all does get higher and higher and then one day, I woke up and literally was so mad at myself for letting him lie to me one more time when I KNEW!!! I KNEW that it was a lie. I started to close my eyes and stop asking the questions so he couldn't lie to me. And I made up my mind to what I was going to do. I've promised myself and conditioned myself to not look back. Slowly, I'm taking the steps to a better life. True. . . it took a long time to get here, but I hope that hearing this will help you to realize that things will not change unless HE wants them to.
A lot of us are in the same boat and the support here is phenomenal!!
One thing I've realized in the past who knows how many years, is that the tolerance for putting up with it all does get higher and higher and then one day, I woke up and literally was so mad at myself for letting him lie to me one more time when I KNEW!!! I KNEW that it was a lie. I started to close my eyes and stop asking the questions so he couldn't lie to me. And I made up my mind to what I was going to do. I've promised myself and conditioned myself to not look back. Slowly, I'm taking the steps to a better life. True. . . it took a long time to get here, but I hope that hearing this will help you to realize that things will not change unless HE wants them to.
A lot of us are in the same boat and the support here is phenomenal!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 14
I know everything that everyone is saying is ture. It is so hard to accept, walking away from the person you love is so hard to do. I always feel like I have to be the hero, but never the hero to myself. Everything I do, I do it with an alterier motive. Liking ending it, I know I'm not ending it to be done with him who am I kidding, I'm ending it so that he can see that he lost me cause of his drinking and he will want to give it up. I'm so consumed with him, his drinking and saving him that I can't let go. I'm obsessed with it I get myself sick. I have even wished that something bad would happen to me hoping that would wake him up. I can't imagine my life without him the sober side which was maybe 1 day a week. He is also saying things like how can I throw him out like this after everything he's done for me. Which financially he is awsome, but thats it. He doesn't realize how much emotional damage he has done.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
