Trying to keep it short
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: CO
Posts: 32
Trying to keep it short
I feel like I'm stuck again and you may all think that I'm stupid for what's going on, but. . .
Long story short. . . my Ex-AH went to live with his mom for 3 months while he was going through some outpatient treatment (in another state). During this time he had no access to money and was sober the entire time for what I'm told. During that 3 mos. period, we went through a divorce. After the treatment was up, he told me he wanted to prove to me that he was better and deserved to be in my and my daughter's life. He said he would come back home get a job and start over. Well, on his way driving home from his mom's (about a 10 hour drive), he gets pulled over and you guessed it. . . got pulled over for a DUI. That was July 17th. He's been with me ever since then, trying to look for a job, really contributing around the house, being the person that I'd always known he could be (also, with no access to money). . . . until a week ago. He found that he could get money by visiting the local pawn shop in the next town over and came home drunk one afternoon and it's all been downhill since. Actually, it's back to the way it was before he went to visit his mom's.
My question, I really want to get on with my life and I want him out. . . . but he has no where to go. I thought about taking him to a homeless shelter so he could get a taste of that. I thought about calling the cops to get him out of the house, but I wonder if that would be a violation against his probation and he'd go to jail. We're divorced now so really, all ties to him are broken. I still care for him (that's my downfall I guess), but he'll get himself into enough trouble without having me push it on him. I just feel stuck.
Any ideas?
Long story short. . . my Ex-AH went to live with his mom for 3 months while he was going through some outpatient treatment (in another state). During this time he had no access to money and was sober the entire time for what I'm told. During that 3 mos. period, we went through a divorce. After the treatment was up, he told me he wanted to prove to me that he was better and deserved to be in my and my daughter's life. He said he would come back home get a job and start over. Well, on his way driving home from his mom's (about a 10 hour drive), he gets pulled over and you guessed it. . . got pulled over for a DUI. That was July 17th. He's been with me ever since then, trying to look for a job, really contributing around the house, being the person that I'd always known he could be (also, with no access to money). . . . until a week ago. He found that he could get money by visiting the local pawn shop in the next town over and came home drunk one afternoon and it's all been downhill since. Actually, it's back to the way it was before he went to visit his mom's.
My question, I really want to get on with my life and I want him out. . . . but he has no where to go. I thought about taking him to a homeless shelter so he could get a taste of that. I thought about calling the cops to get him out of the house, but I wonder if that would be a violation against his probation and he'd go to jail. We're divorced now so really, all ties to him are broken. I still care for him (that's my downfall I guess), but he'll get himself into enough trouble without having me push it on him. I just feel stuck.
Any ideas?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
No stupid around here.... we are ready when we are ready.
Have you just told him to leave if that is what you want and allow him to deal with where he will go and what he will do? Its really not your decision once you have asked him to leave... and the less you know the better I think. I dont know just seems like you would have to spend alot of time and energy figuring out things that is not your problem if you ask him to go....
BUT are you sure your ready to end it... cuz you teach him its ok to keep doing this by allowing him back. I have been told to watch the actions for a year before making a committment.
Have you just told him to leave if that is what you want and allow him to deal with where he will go and what he will do? Its really not your decision once you have asked him to leave... and the less you know the better I think. I dont know just seems like you would have to spend alot of time and energy figuring out things that is not your problem if you ask him to go....
BUT are you sure your ready to end it... cuz you teach him its ok to keep doing this by allowing him back. I have been told to watch the actions for a year before making a committment.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: CO
Posts: 32
Yes, I did ask him to leave and he told me he'd be gone when I get home from work. But he's still there when I get home (and lately passed out from drinking vodka straight).
I do care for him, but I really just want to remove him from my life and not worry about it. I had a glimpse of how it would be if he were to stop drinking and I'm really not sure that's what I want anymore. There's a lot of trust that's been broken, many times I've been deceived. . . I just don't know. I just worry for how he feels, but I guess that's where I need to detach. You're right, I can't worry about what he'll do. He has to make the decision. Why is this so hard for me?
I do care for him, but I really just want to remove him from my life and not worry about it. I had a glimpse of how it would be if he were to stop drinking and I'm really not sure that's what I want anymore. There's a lot of trust that's been broken, many times I've been deceived. . . I just don't know. I just worry for how he feels, but I guess that's where I need to detach. You're right, I can't worry about what he'll do. He has to make the decision. Why is this so hard for me?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Newark, Ohio
Posts: 24
I think that is the hardest part, asking someone to leave and watching them stay. You are feeling certain they need to go, but the humane side of you feels empathy for them when you feel they have no where to go.
My suggestion is to give him a deadline to be gone. If he gone on the deadline, it wouldn't hurt to have family/or friends be there to help you remove him.
My suggestion is to give him a deadline to be gone. If he gone on the deadline, it wouldn't hurt to have family/or friends be there to help you remove him.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
The next time he comes home drunk, take him to the ER, bring him in, tell them you are afraid he is toxic and leave him in their care. They will let him sleep it off, sober him up and discuss discharge plans when he's ready. You are not his wife. You won't be throwing him out, you will be leaving him in capable hands. He can get the help and referrals he needs there. In the meantime, take inventory and check out that pawn shop. If he's selling stuff, it's your stuff, maybe even your daughters stuff. Hide her piggy bank too.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: CO
Posts: 32
Oh my gosh!!!!! After reading your post Mallowcup, I checked my daughters piggy bank and it's EMPTY!!!!! UNBELIEVABLE!!! He makes me sooooo mad!! He's passed out downstairs in the basement again and he told me he'd be gone tomorrow morning before I leave for work. You bet your sweet bippy he will be!!
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
Hi Wish:
If you want him to leave, it's best that you follow the laws in your state. That way, he can't take you to court for damages. Call your local police department or sheriff's office and ask them what steps to take to legally evict him from your home.
In Virginia, I was told to send my boyfriend a certified letter telling him he had 30 days to leave the premises. Once I had the signed receipt in hand, if he exceeded 30 days, then I was told to contact the sheriff's office and they would promptly evict him.
I had the letter delivered to him at work so I wouldn't be present to see or hear any angry fall-out.
It worked like a charm. He ended up renting a small apartment in Washington, DC and not out on the streets or on a park bench like I had imagined. Oftentimes, we codies don't give our alcoholic loved ones enough credit. They may be addicts, but they are still capable of taking care of themselves. Not in a way that we might approve of, but in their way.
Your ex-husband will do just fine on his own.
If you want him to leave, it's best that you follow the laws in your state. That way, he can't take you to court for damages. Call your local police department or sheriff's office and ask them what steps to take to legally evict him from your home.
In Virginia, I was told to send my boyfriend a certified letter telling him he had 30 days to leave the premises. Once I had the signed receipt in hand, if he exceeded 30 days, then I was told to contact the sheriff's office and they would promptly evict him.
I had the letter delivered to him at work so I wouldn't be present to see or hear any angry fall-out.
It worked like a charm. He ended up renting a small apartment in Washington, DC and not out on the streets or on a park bench like I had imagined. Oftentimes, we codies don't give our alcoholic loved ones enough credit. They may be addicts, but they are still capable of taking care of themselves. Not in a way that we might approve of, but in their way.
Your ex-husband will do just fine on his own.
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: bangor maine
Posts: 44
It worked like a charm. He ended up renting a small apartment in Washington, DC and not out on the streets or on a park bench like I had imagined. Oftentimes, we codies don't give our alcoholic loved ones enough credit. They may be addicts, but they are still capable of taking care of themselves. Not in a way that we might approve of, but in their way.
Your ex-husband will do just fine on his own.[/QUOTE]
Maybe I should start a new thread. What do you do if your husband's livelihood resides at the home we share, in my case we run a farm together and have a farm store. If I ask him to leave, he is not only without a place to live but a job. On the flip side, I cant run farm alone.
Your ex-husband will do just fine on his own.[/QUOTE]
Maybe I should start a new thread. What do you do if your husband's livelihood resides at the home we share, in my case we run a farm together and have a farm store. If I ask him to leave, he is not only without a place to live but a job. On the flip side, I cant run farm alone.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: CO
Posts: 32
Thanks to everyone for your support. I can talk to my friends here personally, but they really don't understand. They think I should have kicked him out a long time ago. That wouldn't have felt right and I really don't know if I could have lived with myself if I hadn't given him the amount of chances that I did.
I probably shouldn't have, but last night I told my ex-AH that I would do absolutely anything it took to get him better but I needed to see him take some steps toward recovery. He stopped going to AA a long time ago and last night when I asked him why, he told me "because it was a joke". That really says a lot right there. I told him it would be hard to see him go and that it would probably hurt for a long time, but it would be easier than living with what's been going on the past few weeks. I know I need to give him some credit but I've been so used to being his caretaker, I'm having a hard time detaching. So, I'm going to try to remove the personal feelings out of this and proceed with taking the advice of whatever the local law enforcement will give me.
Thanks again for all your support. You guys are the best!
BTW MarriedIThink: I love the quote ""And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."
I probably shouldn't have, but last night I told my ex-AH that I would do absolutely anything it took to get him better but I needed to see him take some steps toward recovery. He stopped going to AA a long time ago and last night when I asked him why, he told me "because it was a joke". That really says a lot right there. I told him it would be hard to see him go and that it would probably hurt for a long time, but it would be easier than living with what's been going on the past few weeks. I know I need to give him some credit but I've been so used to being his caretaker, I'm having a hard time detaching. So, I'm going to try to remove the personal feelings out of this and proceed with taking the advice of whatever the local law enforcement will give me.
Thanks again for all your support. You guys are the best!
BTW MarriedIThink: I love the quote ""And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
What helped me was to learn what enabling is. The more we caretake and prevent them from suffering the consequences of their own actions the more we help them to continue their addiction. It seems cold and heartless to let the chips fall where they may. But, in reality, it is the most loving thing you can do.
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