I'm so mad!
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: novato, ca
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I'm so mad!
As far as I can tell, AH fell of the wagon weeks ago after almost two months alcohol free (after several months of trying to get alcohol free). I know he hasn't been going to his meetings since then but I know little else about what's going on with him because we barely communicate at all anymore. I have all but stopped talking to him because he never has anything nice to say and I'm sick of listening to this mean, lying, obnoxious jerk. The details are just the same old garbage that most of us live with so I won't bore you with them.
My problem is that I am just feeling so mad right now. All I can think about is how and when to get the hell away from him. If I didn't have a ski lease to escape to for the Winter, I'm not sure what I'd do right now. Four glorious months without having to cringe at the sound of his car pulling into the driveway every night! Even that isn't enough to keep me from feeling angry about having to deal with AH right now.
My boys and I have a very busy month planned so, as much as I might want to, I can't pick up and leave right now. I may be able to get away with them for a few days next week. Perhaps making some plans for a trip away next month will help me keep my sanity. Then it's Thanksgiving, Christmas and then we're out of here.
The boys and I have started planning a trip Europe in three years. It's part of our homeschooling to study the places we want to visit. A lot of the things we want to see are things we've learned about in our world history studies. And then there's all the literature we've enjoyed together that has sparked even more interest in the world around us.
See, all I can think about is getting away. I try not to think about AH and to just focus on the positives in my life. I love homeschooling my boys. It's the best, most wonderful thing I've ever done in my whole life so that keeps me at least half way sane. I just have to figure out a way to keep this festering anger at AH from infecting my life.
I wish there was a magic pill I could take that would facilitate detatching with love. Right now, my detatchment is venomous. Maybe it's 'cause if I wasn't so angry all I would do is cry. Every now and then, I remember a time when AH loved me and that's worse than thinking about what a jerk he is now.
Funny how writing things down makes them clearer.
Any words from the wise out there?
My problem is that I am just feeling so mad right now. All I can think about is how and when to get the hell away from him. If I didn't have a ski lease to escape to for the Winter, I'm not sure what I'd do right now. Four glorious months without having to cringe at the sound of his car pulling into the driveway every night! Even that isn't enough to keep me from feeling angry about having to deal with AH right now.
My boys and I have a very busy month planned so, as much as I might want to, I can't pick up and leave right now. I may be able to get away with them for a few days next week. Perhaps making some plans for a trip away next month will help me keep my sanity. Then it's Thanksgiving, Christmas and then we're out of here.
The boys and I have started planning a trip Europe in three years. It's part of our homeschooling to study the places we want to visit. A lot of the things we want to see are things we've learned about in our world history studies. And then there's all the literature we've enjoyed together that has sparked even more interest in the world around us.
See, all I can think about is getting away. I try not to think about AH and to just focus on the positives in my life. I love homeschooling my boys. It's the best, most wonderful thing I've ever done in my whole life so that keeps me at least half way sane. I just have to figure out a way to keep this festering anger at AH from infecting my life.
I wish there was a magic pill I could take that would facilitate detatching with love. Right now, my detatchment is venomous. Maybe it's 'cause if I wasn't so angry all I would do is cry. Every now and then, I remember a time when AH loved me and that's worse than thinking about what a jerk he is now.
Funny how writing things down makes them clearer.
Any words from the wise out there?
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Originally Posted by gypsyrose
. Maybe it's 'cause if I wasn't so angry all I would do is cry. Every now and then, I remember a time when AH loved me and that's worse than thinking about what a jerk he is now.
Whew...........well said. Had to spend a little time with my A Sunday (even go to his "place"...ugh) and that is the same place it brought me.
Gypsy: I am sorry you are feeling this way but I can see you are doing lots to keep yourself and your boys focusing on the good things in life. I think we all just seem to trip every so often on out path; well at least I do. Sometimes a little stumble and other times a big fall. Sounds like you have a pebble in your shoe right now!
It's natural to feel grief about this and it is frustrating,too. (as we all know!)
I hope today is a better one for you.
p.s. Your trip sounds AWESOME!!!!
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
I do understand how your feeling and how frustrating and impossible it is to live with and A and try to detach.... hats off to you because I could not do it.
One thing I might ask and Im sure I have mentioned this before .... Even though you love homeschooling and your boys and the trips sound awsome.... What are you doing for you? I dont hear anything that is seperate from being a angry wife and a Mother...
What grown up things, recovery, friendships, anything are you doing that does not include the boys??? I know I was very involved in my daughters life and I was happy with that.... but there was the other part of me that is a women and a grownup that I was sad and angry often. Then I did not have the tools or guideance to understand it all but today I realize that somewhere down the line I lost myself.... there was no ME in what I was doing.
I have found that now that Im alone Im at a loss on the inner me.... So Im working on it... I also found that when I payed attention to my needs, or explored a little life seperate from anyone else that I was less angery and actually able to put more things in perspective.
Just a thought, take what you like and leave the rest.
One thing I might ask and Im sure I have mentioned this before .... Even though you love homeschooling and your boys and the trips sound awsome.... What are you doing for you? I dont hear anything that is seperate from being a angry wife and a Mother...
What grown up things, recovery, friendships, anything are you doing that does not include the boys??? I know I was very involved in my daughters life and I was happy with that.... but there was the other part of me that is a women and a grownup that I was sad and angry often. Then I did not have the tools or guideance to understand it all but today I realize that somewhere down the line I lost myself.... there was no ME in what I was doing.
I have found that now that Im alone Im at a loss on the inner me.... So Im working on it... I also found that when I payed attention to my needs, or explored a little life seperate from anyone else that I was less angery and actually able to put more things in perspective.
Just a thought, take what you like and leave the rest.
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: novato, ca
Posts: 181
Trust me, I've been treating myself quite a bit. After all, if I don't, who will? A good friend and I went out to a very special fondue dinner last weekend. We spent hours eating course after course. I also discovered a the joy of creme brulee french toast at a local breakfast place. These are good things since I tend not to eat when I'm stressed.
I am half way through book four of the "Outlander" series. It's a great series for lovers of historical fiction, with a total of six books that are over a thousand pages each.
I'm lucky that my boys enjoy renaissance faires and other similar events as much as I do. As a girlfriend said, "What could be more fun than dressing up and shopping?" We've been attending a lot of these events recently. One of our favorite celtic music groups was playing at one and we had a great time dancing with our children.
I collect fossils which I am finally using to make some progress in decorating my home. I'm sure that sounds a bit odd but it works for me. I never met an ammonite I didn't like.
My life is great aside from the fact that I have an abusive jerk of a husband. And in time this too shall pass because he'll either get himself better or I'll be out of this relationship eventually.
As far as support groups... I have so little time away from my children that I don't choose to spend it all on dealing with the fact that I'm living with an abusive jerk of a husband. I've gone to a few groups but they haven't been positive experiences for me. Not that I'll never try any other groups but... I'd rather go shopping or out to dinner with a friend or just read a book at a cafe.
So, you all will have to put up with my hanging around here venting for awhile.
I am half way through book four of the "Outlander" series. It's a great series for lovers of historical fiction, with a total of six books that are over a thousand pages each.
I'm lucky that my boys enjoy renaissance faires and other similar events as much as I do. As a girlfriend said, "What could be more fun than dressing up and shopping?" We've been attending a lot of these events recently. One of our favorite celtic music groups was playing at one and we had a great time dancing with our children.
I collect fossils which I am finally using to make some progress in decorating my home. I'm sure that sounds a bit odd but it works for me. I never met an ammonite I didn't like.
My life is great aside from the fact that I have an abusive jerk of a husband. And in time this too shall pass because he'll either get himself better or I'll be out of this relationship eventually.
As far as support groups... I have so little time away from my children that I don't choose to spend it all on dealing with the fact that I'm living with an abusive jerk of a husband. I've gone to a few groups but they haven't been positive experiences for me. Not that I'll never try any other groups but... I'd rather go shopping or out to dinner with a friend or just read a book at a cafe.
So, you all will have to put up with my hanging around here venting for awhile.
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Arizona
Posts: 928
Originally Posted by gypsyrose
As far as support groups... I have so little time away from my children that I don't choose to spend it all on dealing with the fact that I'm living with an abusive jerk of a husband.
Now - I'm not condoning his abuse..at all...
I just had to look at my part in ALL the abusive relationships that I participated in.
I was controlling, critical, mean, nagging, really good at punishing them...
but that's just me. and parts of it still are today - even out of an abusive relationship..
I'm still me - where ever I go..
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Join Date: Jan 2006
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Originally Posted by Minx1969
I was controlling, critical, mean, nagging, really good at punishing them...
I wish I would have looked at my own behavior sooner, instead of focusing all my energy on what was wrong with him.
L
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: novato, ca
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You know what. I don't accept any responsibility for how AH has treated me. I've always looked for every opportunity to see the good in everything. It wasn't until he started smacking me that I asked him to make any changes at all because, despite his moody behavior up to that point, I was grateful for everything he did for our family (and I told him so and showed my gratitude on a regular basis).
Over the years, I grew to understand that he was an alcoholic but didn't understand that his behavior continuing to get worse was part of the deal. When I came to understand the progressive nature of the beast and felt the results of it on my backside, I left. I came back when he said he'd get help. He started going to meetings and was making progress until this past month. I haven't been a critical or punishing wife... until now. If ever there was a time for me to be critical and punishing this is it. And all I've really done so far is become angry but I've kept it to myself for the most part. It's true that I'm barely speaking to him but I'm civil when he approaches me and most of the time he turns every conversation in yet another opportunity to put me down.
I'm at a loss as to how to be truely punishing... perhaps you could give me some helful hints. Keep in mind that anything I say or do to punish him has to be done in a way that won't jeoprodize the safety of my children or myself and that AH is quite capable of being dangerous.
You know what they say about keeping your friends close but your enemies closer... well that's the position I'm in.
Over the years, I grew to understand that he was an alcoholic but didn't understand that his behavior continuing to get worse was part of the deal. When I came to understand the progressive nature of the beast and felt the results of it on my backside, I left. I came back when he said he'd get help. He started going to meetings and was making progress until this past month. I haven't been a critical or punishing wife... until now. If ever there was a time for me to be critical and punishing this is it. And all I've really done so far is become angry but I've kept it to myself for the most part. It's true that I'm barely speaking to him but I'm civil when he approaches me and most of the time he turns every conversation in yet another opportunity to put me down.
I'm at a loss as to how to be truely punishing... perhaps you could give me some helful hints. Keep in mind that anything I say or do to punish him has to be done in a way that won't jeoprodize the safety of my children or myself and that AH is quite capable of being dangerous.
You know what they say about keeping your friends close but your enemies closer... well that's the position I'm in.
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Arizona
Posts: 928
Originally Posted by gypsyrose
I don't accept any responsibility for how AH has treated me.
You are responsible for your attitude (positive or negative) etc.
I was just reminded of this daily reminder:
Property Lines
A helpful tool in our recovery, especially in the behavior we call detachment, is learning to identify who owns what. Then we let each person own and possess his or her rightful property.
If another person has an addiction, a problem, a feeling, or a self-defeating behavior, that is their property, not ours. If someone is a martyr immersed in negativity, controlling, or manipulative behavior, that is their issue, not ours.
If someone has acted and experienced a particular consequence, both the behavior and the consequence belong to that person.
If some one is in denial or cannot think clearly on a particular issue, that confusion belongs to him or her.
If someone has a limited or impaired ability to love or care, that is his or her property, not ours. If someone has no approval or nurturing to give away, that is that person’s property.
People's lies, deceptions, tricks, manipulations, abusive behaviors, inappropriate behaviors, cheating, and tacky behaviors belong to them as well. Not to us.
People's hopes and dreams are their property. Their guilt belongs to them too. Their happiness and misery are also theirs. So are their beliefs and messages.
If some people don't like themselves, that is their choice. And other people's choices are their property, not ours.
What people choose to say and do is their business.
What is our property? Our property includes our behaviors, problems, feelings, happiness, misery, choices and messages; our ability to love, care, and nurture; our thoughts, our denial, our hopes and dreams for ourselves. Whether we allow ourselves to be controlled, manipulated, deceived, or mistreated is our business.
In recovery, we learn an appropriate sense of ownership. If something isn't ours, we don't have to take it. IF we take it, we learn to give it back. We let other people have their property, and we learn to own and take good care of what's ours.
Today, I will work at developing a clear sense of what belongs to me, and what doesn't. If it's not mine, I won't keep it. I will deal with myself, my issues, and my responsibilities. I will take my hands off what is not mine.
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Minx, I do agree with you about taking responsibility for my behavior, feelings, etc... and that's why I'm trying to deal with the anger I'm feeling right now. Not because my being angry is hurting him in anyway or controlling the way he behaves (he's all but clueless about how angry I am at him right now) but because my anger is hurting me and is not a part of who I want to be.
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