MissileGirl

I've lurked about on here every day since my first post, and am learning so much, so quickly from you all...

I want to ask you all another question.

In all honesty, what do you think the chances are of a problem drinker really and truly quitting, and staying sober for the rest of his life? He dosn't want to do AA, because their life philosophy and his are incompatible, he's tried Moderation Management, and has realized that it doesn't work (at least for him) and he says he truly wants his family back together in a healthy functional way...

If I thought for a moment he would be able to do it, it would have a *huge* impact on how I view our potential for working things out in the future. I can look up all the academic studies of success and failure rates in the world, and they are helpfull, but I'd really like the opinions of those who've lived this in reality.

Please help me to continue to try to wrap my head around all of this.

Zoey

Has he tried an addiction councelor??

It is my belief that AA can work for anyone. Atheiests and Agnostics go to AA. Even a chapter in the book called "We agnostics'
you can find the AA Big Book on line.
www.aabigbook.org/ or just go to Google and type in Alcoholics Anonymous Book, you will find it.

Also has stories of those who have made it to sobriety.

I have no idea now what percentage make it to sobriety.not enough.
Someone else will probably have some info.

It is like life, all we have for sure is today. Each person is different.

My site was not the right one. Please Google it if you care to. .

Grasshopper

Hi,to be honest i gave up on who i thought would get recovery and who didnt.For the folks who i was,so, sure would never get it,got it.And the folks who i was so very sure,who were doing great,went back,and never came back to recovery rooms.
When i came to recovery,i also gave up,on making my decisions on what another person,be that hub or anyone else,does or doesnt do.Ive done this for my own sanity.If i had not done this,and continued making my decisions based on others,i would still be flip-flopping around in confusion.And blaming others if my expectations were not met by others.I let that stuff-go!!!
Thanks for letting me share,how it works for me,
God Bless,prayers for you both.

gypsyrose

Lifering seemed to help my AH while he was attending their meetings. Lifering is a cognitive psychology based recovery support group similar to AA but without the 12 steps or religious bent. Unfortunately, it isn't available everywhere. And in the case of my AH... he stopped going when he fell of the wagon. He was supposed to be helping facilitate a meeting the very week he started drinking again. Which isn't exactly a ringing endorsement of Lifering but... just because my AH is too busy being a jerk to go to meetings anymore, it doesn't mean they're not helpful to others. Actually, I think it was really helpful to my AH for awhile and I hope he goes back... though I don't know if I really care all that much about what he does right now... 'cause he's such a jerk.

miss communicat

When an alcoholic is completely ready to quit he or she will. "Successful" sobriety will require surrender and acceptance of responsibilty for ones choices. There are an infinite number of approaches to sobriety even within AA. It is not a religion or a philosophy, it is a set of tools.

When I first came to recovery in AA, I also had a "hard time" with its philosophy, and felt that the slogans and mindset insulted my intelligence (lol!!) until I read in an online AA Freethinker's reading that if something offends my intelligence, I must be pretty insecure about that intelligence.

That got me closer to surrender and acceptance pretty fast.

Your boyfriends desire to quit and the mention that he has lost his family indicate that there is much inner work to be done.

Everything is possible....But more importantly, you need to listen to your gut. What part of your inner voice is asking the questions you are asking?

Janitw

Hi and welcome - its been said many times that without a 12 step program firmly in place the alcoholic is nothing more than a dry drunk. The reason behind this is because he has stopped the alcohol intake but the mind and personality remains the same and for many- like my ex will find out one day - that years and years of drinking and the behavior patterns that was formed and became his personality cannot and will not change without guidance to help show him that his line of thinking in alot of different areas also needs to change and simply putting the booze down won't give him the complete change that you two are looking for...are you following me?? So urge him to find a program that works for him even if its a site like this one where he can talk to seasoned successful recovering alcoholics. Good Luck to you hun. Mine wouldn't even try to stop drinking for the kids and I. At least he's willing to try and thats a big plus for you. Stay the course.... ((((hugs)))

Janit

Pick-a-name

That is what I have heard time and time again; without it and the changes of a program of recovery the "stinkin' thinkin'" will always return and we know where that leads. Probably why AA only takes volunteers...... Takes each of us our own time and difficulties to be able to surrender enough to accept the help...them and us.

Toby Rice Drews (author of the Getting Them Sober books) does talk about this and the statistics for people who are actively in recovery. (possibly in one of the online chapters).

Good luck to you and him. Like Janit said, at least your guy is trying or at least going thru the motions in that direction. Mine hasn't considered that an option for him (yet?),either.

The sure bet here would be for you to continue to work on your own recovery.

Thanks for this post.

LaTeeDa

The bottom line here is that each individual is different. I have heard over and over here that without AA, they're just dry drunks. Nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, there are studies that show most "alcohol abusers" quit on their own without any sort of a formal "program."

If I had listened to the popular opinion here that there is no recovery or sobriety without AA or something similar, I would never have seen the truth of my husband's recovery.

My opinion, formed by watching my husband recover and thrive without any formal program at all, is don't judge anyone based on the statistics or the agendas of others. Watch the actions with an open mind and an open heart. If you are true to yourself, you can see when others are, too. The other thing is that you cannot control another. You can only do what is best for yourself, and sit back and watch what the other person does.

L

miss communicat

LaTeeDa

Is right!. Many people recover without AA. Some in AA stay sick. AA is just one way, and within that way are a multitude of ways to recover.

Which is why we need to keep the focus on our own growth for lasting inner peace.

BSPGirl

Hm MissileGirl, has he tried out SMART Recovery? It's kinda similiar to Moderation Management but encourages total abstinence.

Marte

Cynay

I think the term "dry drunk" or "stinkin thinking" can and probably does apply to any recovery program... not just AA. Because AA is the largest program its an easy target.

I also think that a "problem drinker" is different then an Alcoholic. Its been my experience that YES they can get sober if they really want it with or without a program.... the problem is that without a support group of some kind the chances are not good.

I think the problem is not only the drinking but all the other issues that seem to go with it... without changing the behavior, thought process a sober drunk is not alot better then one that is still drinking.

nocellphone

I'm not sure I agree with this, as my guess is that "most alcohol abusers" don't involve themselves in studies. The people I've met who could be described as "alcohol abusers" tend to keep that sort of information to themselves.

I can certainly appreciate this! AA's not for everyone, and fortunately your husband found a path that works for him.

Can someone explain to me what the "agenda" of AA or other 12-Step recovery is, other than to help support people as they try to stay sober and alive? I seem to hear folks on SR allude to some sort of hidden agenda, but it escapes me even after all these years...

Maybe I'm supposed to get royalties each time I mention the Steps to somebody? If that's the case, somebody owes me a big, fat check!!!

LaTeeDa

The point I was trying to make was that one should not assume that just because someone is not attending AA or practicing the steps that they are not recovering. (dry drunk) I nearly fell into that mistaken assumption by allowing myself to be swayed by some with strong opinions to that effect. Once I got strong enough to trust my own judgement and form my own opinions, I realized that there is no "one-size-fits-all" answer. I would encourage others to take a look at the individuals actions, not whether they are following a particular program or not.

L