Alcoholic husband, 2 children, confused...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: MI
Posts: 11
Alcoholic husband, 2 children, confused...
I'm new here. I haven't had a chance to really read through everything because I just found the site today and my computer time is limited. (Husband is laid off and usually on the computer all day.)
I guess I just need some support. I don't know what to do. We've been married 9 years. We have 2 children, 8 years and 19.5 months. We've really been through the wringer in lots of ways and so I can understand why he'd turn to alcohol, even though I don't agree with it. He never drinks in front of our daughter (8) and although she knew about it a year ago, she thinks he stopped then. She hasn't asked me point blank about it, but I've covered some things so she wouldn't find out and I feel HORRIBLE about it. When I don't, though, he gets angry and we all suffer for it when he's not in a good mood.
We left a year ago. It was only for a day, but things had gotten to the point where I couldn't handle it anymore and his temper was such I was afraid of him. I think, though, that I was projecting more than anything, because I've been in some REALLY bad relationships before. Anyway, he promised things would change, and in some ways they are a tiny bit better, but it occured to me today that for the most part, everything is still the same. I'm seeing more of the anger and feeling more and more like I have to walk on eggshells. Everyone around us thinks he's gotten better. I went to his parents a year ago because I just didn't know what to do anymore and our daughter was saying he was scaring her. He was livid that I went to anyone else, and I felt so guilty for projecting some old things on him that I agreed (stupidly) to let him deal with it on his own, believing his promises things would change.
I've thought about leaving for good, but can't for a number of reasons. I feel terrible, but lately I've found myself wishing at times he would just leave. He wouldn't do that, though. He was raised in a Christian home and just isn't the type that would cheat or walk out on his family. Being Christian myself, I can't see leaving either. I just don't know how much longer I can take this and know that I've been contributing to the problem and making it easier for him to continue the way he has. (By allowing others to believe, by omission, that things are okay when they're not.) Because of that, I don't feel like I even have the right to ask him to change anything. I've always believed that if someone is going to change, they have to do it for themselves, by their own choice, or it won't last. I just don't know what to do or how much longer I can live like this. I can see it's affecting our daughter, even if she thinks he isn't drinking anymore. That means it's only a matter of time before it's obviously affecting our son, too. (Although he clearly favors him, which is another issue, so I don't know if the effects would be as severe, not that that matters.) I feel like part of me is dying every day, like we don't have a marriage anymore but are more like roomates.
He says he knows he has a problem. He says he knows he is an alcoholic. He refuses to go to anyone for help. I just don't know what to do. I hate feeling like this. I feel like everything is on hold and I'm living my life reacting to everything rather than actually LIVING because I don't know how he's going to react to things, if he's going to be in a good mood or a bad mood or if I'm going to have to "just deal with it because he's having a nicotine fit" and ignore the fact he's yelling at me and the kids and having a bad attitude towards everyone and everthing...
I'm sorry for rambling. I don't even know what I'm asking for. I guess I just needed to let some of it out, because I've been alone with this for so long.
Thanks for listening...
Tiffany
I guess I just need some support. I don't know what to do. We've been married 9 years. We have 2 children, 8 years and 19.5 months. We've really been through the wringer in lots of ways and so I can understand why he'd turn to alcohol, even though I don't agree with it. He never drinks in front of our daughter (8) and although she knew about it a year ago, she thinks he stopped then. She hasn't asked me point blank about it, but I've covered some things so she wouldn't find out and I feel HORRIBLE about it. When I don't, though, he gets angry and we all suffer for it when he's not in a good mood.
We left a year ago. It was only for a day, but things had gotten to the point where I couldn't handle it anymore and his temper was such I was afraid of him. I think, though, that I was projecting more than anything, because I've been in some REALLY bad relationships before. Anyway, he promised things would change, and in some ways they are a tiny bit better, but it occured to me today that for the most part, everything is still the same. I'm seeing more of the anger and feeling more and more like I have to walk on eggshells. Everyone around us thinks he's gotten better. I went to his parents a year ago because I just didn't know what to do anymore and our daughter was saying he was scaring her. He was livid that I went to anyone else, and I felt so guilty for projecting some old things on him that I agreed (stupidly) to let him deal with it on his own, believing his promises things would change.
I've thought about leaving for good, but can't for a number of reasons. I feel terrible, but lately I've found myself wishing at times he would just leave. He wouldn't do that, though. He was raised in a Christian home and just isn't the type that would cheat or walk out on his family. Being Christian myself, I can't see leaving either. I just don't know how much longer I can take this and know that I've been contributing to the problem and making it easier for him to continue the way he has. (By allowing others to believe, by omission, that things are okay when they're not.) Because of that, I don't feel like I even have the right to ask him to change anything. I've always believed that if someone is going to change, they have to do it for themselves, by their own choice, or it won't last. I just don't know what to do or how much longer I can live like this. I can see it's affecting our daughter, even if she thinks he isn't drinking anymore. That means it's only a matter of time before it's obviously affecting our son, too. (Although he clearly favors him, which is another issue, so I don't know if the effects would be as severe, not that that matters.) I feel like part of me is dying every day, like we don't have a marriage anymore but are more like roomates.
He says he knows he has a problem. He says he knows he is an alcoholic. He refuses to go to anyone for help. I just don't know what to do. I hate feeling like this. I feel like everything is on hold and I'm living my life reacting to everything rather than actually LIVING because I don't know how he's going to react to things, if he's going to be in a good mood or a bad mood or if I'm going to have to "just deal with it because he's having a nicotine fit" and ignore the fact he's yelling at me and the kids and having a bad attitude towards everyone and everthing...
I'm sorry for rambling. I don't even know what I'm asking for. I guess I just needed to let some of it out, because I've been alone with this for so long.
Thanks for listening...
Tiffany
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Concord NH
Posts: 158
Now that you are here, you are not alone. Everyone here has their own story and so many have so much caring and wise advise to give. Hope you'll keep coming back, and keep reading. Sometimes just the support of the people here can do wonders. It has for me.
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Raised in a Christian home... And if I stand in a garage that doesn't make me a car. His behavior is not that of a Christian.
He says he knows there is a problem.
That covers step one. Now what to do about it?
I have a problem.
I admit that I can't change the problem on my own.
Lord, please help.
Those are the first three steps towards a sober life.
If he won't go to meetings such as NA or AA, there are Christian based meetings of all kinds as well. If you belong to a good church, I would sugest you sit down and have some counsling with the pastor...by yourself and or as a couple.
Celebrate Recovery is a good program he may want to look into.
Anon meetings would help you gather info and support as well.
He says he knows there is a problem.
That covers step one. Now what to do about it?
I have a problem.
I admit that I can't change the problem on my own.
Lord, please help.
Those are the first three steps towards a sober life.
If he won't go to meetings such as NA or AA, there are Christian based meetings of all kinds as well. If you belong to a good church, I would sugest you sit down and have some counsling with the pastor...by yourself and or as a couple.
Celebrate Recovery is a good program he may want to look into.
Anon meetings would help you gather info and support as well.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Welcome, and glad you're here
What works for me is Al-Anon, therapy, open AA meetings and visits to our family doctor. I learned as much as I could about alcoholism and the role of the family.
Read the stickys and keep posting. You don't have to go through this alone.
Keep coming back.
What works for me is Al-Anon, therapy, open AA meetings and visits to our family doctor. I learned as much as I could about alcoholism and the role of the family.
Read the stickys and keep posting. You don't have to go through this alone.
Keep coming back.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Richton, MS
Posts: 135
Your husband was raised in a Christian home, so why is he now raising your kids in an alcoholic home? I am Southern Baptist, a Christian Religion and I have filed for divorce. This does not make me a bad Christian. God is a forgiving God!!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Anchorage, AK
Posts: 221
Tiffany, it is not your wifely duty to live life feeling like you are dying every day. It is not your responsibility to walk on eggshells around your spouse, especially when he has no qualms about creating a stressful home environment for you and your children. I did not grow up in a religious household, but I know this much--Christianity is about being kind to others, it's about giving and caring for others. Do you see those traits in everyday behavior of your husband? He is already scaring you and your daughter with his temper--a huge red flag, in my book, even aside from his alcoholism.
Whether you decide to stay or go, remember that no matter the circumstances, you CAN make it on your own. You CAN do it, but you need to make a choice as to how you want to live the rest of your life and what kind of memories you want to create for your children. You have an undeniable right to ask for what you want in any situation. This is your life, too, don't spend it suffering from and reacting to the choices of your spouse.
Best of luck to you.
Whether you decide to stay or go, remember that no matter the circumstances, you CAN make it on your own. You CAN do it, but you need to make a choice as to how you want to live the rest of your life and what kind of memories you want to create for your children. You have an undeniable right to ask for what you want in any situation. This is your life, too, don't spend it suffering from and reacting to the choices of your spouse.
Best of luck to you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: MI
Posts: 11
Thank you all.
I guess part of the problem is I'm dragging around this enormous amount of guilt. I've made so many mistakes, struggled with an eating disorder which caused a lot of problems, ran up credit card debt he didn't know about... It's in the past now, but I just feel like I've made so many mistakes I don't have a leg to stand on when it comes to asking for change. (Funny, it just occurred to me that he's the one who said that to me...)
Last year, when I agreed to come back (though I was barely even gone) I said we had to go see our Pastor. We went - once. He wouldn't go back. In fact, he ended up saying he wouldn't go back to that church because he was so embarrassed, and now we're at another church. I've mentioned seeing someone a few times since then, but he flat out refuses to go. He says he doesn't need AA or anything like that, all he needs is to pray. I've brought up Celebrate Recovery several times as well, but he says no to that, too.
I've just been waiting. Waiting for him to make good on his promises, waiting for things to get better. At first they were better, and truth be told, he is drinking a bit less than he was a year ago. Still, I'm seeing more and more of that temper lately and I don't want that around my children. If I mention it, though, it's always that it's about a "nicotine fit" and I'm just supposed to let it go as if it didn't happen. He says he's working on cutting back, and like I said, he is drinking less than a year ago - but not much. It's still an improvement, though, so I feel like I owe it to him to wait patiently while he tries to sort it out. I just don't know if he really IS trying to sort anything out or what he's doing...
Like I said, we've been through hell and back. In 2004, our first son was born prematurely and died a few days later. We watched our son die. I don't think that's something that ever leaves you. I became pregnant quickly after that, despite being on birth control pills, and our 19.5 month old was born 3 months early, after I was in and out of the hospital for months trying to hold off labor. We thought we were losing him several times. He was in the hospital for 10 weeks and came home on oxygen and monitors. There is so much more than that, but those were the big "reasons" he's used to say, "Well, I'll work on it a little later..." Yet he never wants to talk about any of the things he says are making it hard to stop. If I bring anything up, sometimes he'll flat out tell me to shut up, sometimes he'll just ignore me, but most of the time he'll just start joking about things. He makes some of the most inappropriate jokes I've ever heard anyone make. It's an every day thing and it makes it difficult because I have to carefully choose my words or they become another joke. It's gotten to the point where I very rarely try to talk about anything serious anymore because he doesn't seem to take anything seriously.
There I go again, rambling... I'm sorry. I'm going to go read here for a bit.
Thanks again!
Tiffany
I guess part of the problem is I'm dragging around this enormous amount of guilt. I've made so many mistakes, struggled with an eating disorder which caused a lot of problems, ran up credit card debt he didn't know about... It's in the past now, but I just feel like I've made so many mistakes I don't have a leg to stand on when it comes to asking for change. (Funny, it just occurred to me that he's the one who said that to me...)
Last year, when I agreed to come back (though I was barely even gone) I said we had to go see our Pastor. We went - once. He wouldn't go back. In fact, he ended up saying he wouldn't go back to that church because he was so embarrassed, and now we're at another church. I've mentioned seeing someone a few times since then, but he flat out refuses to go. He says he doesn't need AA or anything like that, all he needs is to pray. I've brought up Celebrate Recovery several times as well, but he says no to that, too.
I've just been waiting. Waiting for him to make good on his promises, waiting for things to get better. At first they were better, and truth be told, he is drinking a bit less than he was a year ago. Still, I'm seeing more and more of that temper lately and I don't want that around my children. If I mention it, though, it's always that it's about a "nicotine fit" and I'm just supposed to let it go as if it didn't happen. He says he's working on cutting back, and like I said, he is drinking less than a year ago - but not much. It's still an improvement, though, so I feel like I owe it to him to wait patiently while he tries to sort it out. I just don't know if he really IS trying to sort anything out or what he's doing...
Like I said, we've been through hell and back. In 2004, our first son was born prematurely and died a few days later. We watched our son die. I don't think that's something that ever leaves you. I became pregnant quickly after that, despite being on birth control pills, and our 19.5 month old was born 3 months early, after I was in and out of the hospital for months trying to hold off labor. We thought we were losing him several times. He was in the hospital for 10 weeks and came home on oxygen and monitors. There is so much more than that, but those were the big "reasons" he's used to say, "Well, I'll work on it a little later..." Yet he never wants to talk about any of the things he says are making it hard to stop. If I bring anything up, sometimes he'll flat out tell me to shut up, sometimes he'll just ignore me, but most of the time he'll just start joking about things. He makes some of the most inappropriate jokes I've ever heard anyone make. It's an every day thing and it makes it difficult because I have to carefully choose my words or they become another joke. It's gotten to the point where I very rarely try to talk about anything serious anymore because he doesn't seem to take anything seriously.
There I go again, rambling... I'm sorry. I'm going to go read here for a bit.
Thanks again!
Tiffany
Member
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: ontario, canada
Posts: 540
He refuses to get help well then that says it all. It will only get worse. As for keeping it from your children we dont fool them we think we do. I am married to a binging alcoholic. They make fake promises and until there ready to stop for themselves they won't. I am in the middle of a seperation I wish I had done it years ago. You see it took finding out my son was a drug addict addict to finally learn about addiction and healing. My son is 19 we talk alot now and he has let me know I didnt hide a thing from him. He and his sister knew most of what went on. They saw me tense and unhappy, and dad never home. You see like your spouse he did not or does not drink in the home. Everyone in the neighbourhood thinks we are this nice, together upstanding family. If I could turn the clock back and realize the damage that has been done I would have left years ago. Children deserve peace in there lives.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Welcome to SR... we are glad that you found us and look forward to getting to know you.
Sounds to me like he uses your past mistakes as leverage against you.... either that or you do.... We all make mistakes, there is no way to live and grow without making mistakes.... but they should not be thrown up in your face all the time.
Also sounds like he has a HUGE ego problem.... One of the things I had to learn is to be humble.... Accept help and reach out to others. For me someone yelling at me to shut up??? that is a Not.....there is no reason for the mental/emotional abuse he is dishing out... yep abuse is what they call it.
Stick around, read all you can and most of all know your not alone in your struggles.... we have all been there.
Sounds to me like he uses your past mistakes as leverage against you.... either that or you do.... We all make mistakes, there is no way to live and grow without making mistakes.... but they should not be thrown up in your face all the time.
Also sounds like he has a HUGE ego problem.... One of the things I had to learn is to be humble.... Accept help and reach out to others. For me someone yelling at me to shut up??? that is a Not.....there is no reason for the mental/emotional abuse he is dishing out... yep abuse is what they call it.
Stick around, read all you can and most of all know your not alone in your struggles.... we have all been there.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: MI
Posts: 11
Thank you...
Is it possible for him to stop and get past this? What does it take for that to happen? I don't want to live in this limbo for the rest of my life. Thinking about it in the past few hours, I wonder if this is why our daughter has been having temper problems. Even at her worst, she's not that bad, she's an AWESOME kid, but it's becoming more and more frequent that she'll just blow up over something really minor.
I have thought about leaving. In many ways, I wish I could. However, I haven't worked in years, don't have a degree (in part because of him, but that's another story), don't have anywhere to go and I don't know if I could earn enough to support us. My mom is a few hours' drive from here, but my brother is living with her so I can't be too close. (Whole other story there) I have no support system here. His parents would go ballistic and I think would fight tooth and nail for him to get custody because they would be afraid I wouldn't let them see the kids. (I wouldn't keep the kids from them, I love his parents.) If I was going to lose custody, there is no reason for me to go. I couldn't just leave them here with him.
I'm seeing so many things that are just screaming this is a bad situation that has to change NOW, yet there's that voice saying it could be so much worse, that I made a commitment, that he really has made an improvement rather than gotten worse... I have given up so much of who I am (or should I say who I was?) to stay here, to try to make this worse. It just makes me sad. I don't want to teach my daughter to settle like this or put up with the things he does, yet I don't want to teach her that it's okay to break commitments just because things aren't easy either. I don't want my son to grow up and become as angry as his father, and truth be told, he's showing signs of having a temper already. (But he is almost 2 so that could be it, too)
I don't think I ask all that much from him. Actually, I don't really ask anything of him. I pay the bills, clean the house, run all the errands, handle all appointments, take the kids where they need to be for activities, school, etc. I don't ask him to do anything. (Mostly because he usually complains or jokes about how demanding I am and how he brings home the paycheck or he just plain won't do it or forgets to do it.) I don't ask for flowers or candy or jewelry or cards. I don't ask him to get me anything for my birthday or Christmas or remember our anniversary. He just doesn't seem to care what I do.
I have taken a few classes in the last year (had to quit but that's another subject, too) and not once did he ask what I was taking, how a test went, or show the least bit of interest. Yet he talks every day about fantasy football, fantasy NASCAR, basketball, hockey, how his day went and how horrible and stupid his coworkers are or how awful his drive home was or... If I don't listen attentively or want to watch the one TV show I like to watch or am dealing with the kids when he's talking, then he sulks the rest of the night. When I want to talk, though, he's either too tired or doesn't feel like it or is busy or starts joking so I eventually drop it. Is it really that much to ask that he pretends like he gives a damn once in a while?
I don't know. There must be something I'm doing wrong. I'm worried about our kids and I just don't know what to do. I don't know how to fix the problem, and know I can't fix his problems, but I don't know what to do to fix what I can. I don't even know what I can fix.
Thank you again...
Tiffany
Is it possible for him to stop and get past this? What does it take for that to happen? I don't want to live in this limbo for the rest of my life. Thinking about it in the past few hours, I wonder if this is why our daughter has been having temper problems. Even at her worst, she's not that bad, she's an AWESOME kid, but it's becoming more and more frequent that she'll just blow up over something really minor.
I have thought about leaving. In many ways, I wish I could. However, I haven't worked in years, don't have a degree (in part because of him, but that's another story), don't have anywhere to go and I don't know if I could earn enough to support us. My mom is a few hours' drive from here, but my brother is living with her so I can't be too close. (Whole other story there) I have no support system here. His parents would go ballistic and I think would fight tooth and nail for him to get custody because they would be afraid I wouldn't let them see the kids. (I wouldn't keep the kids from them, I love his parents.) If I was going to lose custody, there is no reason for me to go. I couldn't just leave them here with him.
I'm seeing so many things that are just screaming this is a bad situation that has to change NOW, yet there's that voice saying it could be so much worse, that I made a commitment, that he really has made an improvement rather than gotten worse... I have given up so much of who I am (or should I say who I was?) to stay here, to try to make this worse. It just makes me sad. I don't want to teach my daughter to settle like this or put up with the things he does, yet I don't want to teach her that it's okay to break commitments just because things aren't easy either. I don't want my son to grow up and become as angry as his father, and truth be told, he's showing signs of having a temper already. (But he is almost 2 so that could be it, too)
I don't think I ask all that much from him. Actually, I don't really ask anything of him. I pay the bills, clean the house, run all the errands, handle all appointments, take the kids where they need to be for activities, school, etc. I don't ask him to do anything. (Mostly because he usually complains or jokes about how demanding I am and how he brings home the paycheck or he just plain won't do it or forgets to do it.) I don't ask for flowers or candy or jewelry or cards. I don't ask him to get me anything for my birthday or Christmas or remember our anniversary. He just doesn't seem to care what I do.
I have taken a few classes in the last year (had to quit but that's another subject, too) and not once did he ask what I was taking, how a test went, or show the least bit of interest. Yet he talks every day about fantasy football, fantasy NASCAR, basketball, hockey, how his day went and how horrible and stupid his coworkers are or how awful his drive home was or... If I don't listen attentively or want to watch the one TV show I like to watch or am dealing with the kids when he's talking, then he sulks the rest of the night. When I want to talk, though, he's either too tired or doesn't feel like it or is busy or starts joking so I eventually drop it. Is it really that much to ask that he pretends like he gives a damn once in a while?
I don't know. There must be something I'm doing wrong. I'm worried about our kids and I just don't know what to do. I don't know how to fix the problem, and know I can't fix his problems, but I don't know what to do to fix what I can. I don't even know what I can fix.
Thank you again...
Tiffany
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Im sorry you feel so hopeless... it hurts just read your words and the hurt and pain you must be in.....
The things that helped me were theraphy, Al-anon and learning as much about the disease as possible. Once I finally figured out that the only thing I could change was me... that is what I set out to do because I could not stand on more single second of hurting like I was.
There is another question someone asked me once ... well more then one but hey.... Can you live the rest of your life with this man EXACTALLY like he is today? Another thing that was brought to my attention is that I teach people how to treat me.... if that treatment is acceptable to you great.... if its unacceptable to you then its up to you to make changes.... he has a good thing going why would he want to change it. GEEEZZZ if all I had to do is go to work and come home and do whatever I wanted..... I would not want to change it either.
There is alot you can do to feel empowered. You dont have to make decisions but it does not hurt to know what your options are. You are only "stuck" if you choose to be. Why dont you find an Al-non meeting and start working on taking the focus off him and putting it back on you. You can go to see an Attorney and find out what your options are there(most will give a first appt free)... does not matter that you have not worked and have no degree.
Most of all you need to know you do have choices.... lots of them.... We deserve the life that will make us happy.... but we also have to work for it and that is not always easy.
The things that helped me were theraphy, Al-anon and learning as much about the disease as possible. Once I finally figured out that the only thing I could change was me... that is what I set out to do because I could not stand on more single second of hurting like I was.
There is another question someone asked me once ... well more then one but hey.... Can you live the rest of your life with this man EXACTALLY like he is today? Another thing that was brought to my attention is that I teach people how to treat me.... if that treatment is acceptable to you great.... if its unacceptable to you then its up to you to make changes.... he has a good thing going why would he want to change it. GEEEZZZ if all I had to do is go to work and come home and do whatever I wanted..... I would not want to change it either.
There is alot you can do to feel empowered. You dont have to make decisions but it does not hurt to know what your options are. You are only "stuck" if you choose to be. Why dont you find an Al-non meeting and start working on taking the focus off him and putting it back on you. You can go to see an Attorney and find out what your options are there(most will give a first appt free)... does not matter that you have not worked and have no degree.
Most of all you need to know you do have choices.... lots of them.... We deserve the life that will make us happy.... but we also have to work for it and that is not always easy.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
More and more men are layed off. It is doing such damage. My husband is layed off as well. As a union crane operator he has worked 350 hours this entire year. He gets a great deal of esteem from his expertise. He isn't working, he isn't bringing in money, he is out of unemployment. He is drinking. It is very hard to be encouraging. I'm trying to compensate financially. I appreciate all that you are saying. Remember to pray. I understand your true and full burden. I know it would be better if he were working. I believe that a whole new breed of alcoholic is on the rise. Keep coming here. I think coming from a Christian home, he feels the full weight of everything he isn't. I wish that this country would give men a chance to have good jobs as quick as they hand them a beer. Is this a temporary layoff? I'm afraid you'll have to draw a line. You won't like doing it and he won't like it either. Unfortunately, you have to be the one to realize that if it keeps going this way, he will become unemployable.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
I didn't see where anyone has suggested this yet, so I will. You might want to read the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. There is also a series of books called "Getting Them Sober," and some excerpts from them are available online. There is also www.empoweredrecovery.com which has some excellent information. If you cannot get to a face to face Alanon meeting right away, you may find helpful information from one of these sources.
L
L
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by caajcd1425
Is it possible for him to stop and get past this? What does it take for that to happen?
He just doesn't seem to care what I do
This is probably true. Addicts care about their addiction, little else.
Is it really that much to ask that he pretends like he gives a damn once in a while?
I don't know. There must be something I'm doing wrong.
Good luck, Tiffany, and keep coming back. There are solutions.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
I've thought about leaving for good, but can't for a number of reasons. I feel terrible, but lately I've found myself wishing at times he would just leave. He wouldn't do that, though. He was raised in a Christian home and just isn't the type that would cheat or walk out on his family. Being Christian myself, I can't see leaving either. I just don't know how much longer I can take this and know that I've been contributing to the problem and making it easier for him to continue the way he has.
I'd be willing to bet that the reason most addicts won't consider leaving is not because their christian values prevent them from doing so. I believe they won't consider leaving because they need codependent partners to take care of all their responsibilties for them so they can check out from life on a regular basis. So where does that leave us? Emotionally alone, starved for affection, and miserable.
I believe the moment our partners turn to a new love--alcohol in your case and mine--they emotionally leave us and our relationships behind.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
I think it is a misinterpretation of what Christian values are that keep people from leaving. There are tons of scriptures that not only make it ok to leave but actually tell us not to be a part of some things. I think one day I will make a list of them and post. To many people feel stuck by "till death do us part". How dead do we have to be?
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