Second Chance
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Richton, MS
Posts: 135
Second Chance
My AH came over this weekend to see the kids for a little while. He looks awful. He said that he has not had a drink in several weeks. That he is really trying hard to get us back. He said that he really wants me to give him a second chance to save our marriage. WTF, The divorce papers are on the lawyers desk waiting to be signed, why are we talking about second chances.
TBH, I don’t know if he is drinking or not. Do I care? No, unless he has my children, which is has not even offered to take them in 2 months, except to pick our daughter up from school and feed her a bunch of bull on the way to the afternoon sitters house.
Does he deserve a second chance? What if I go back and find myself in a worse situation than I left. What if I go back and never get out again. It took me a year to get out this time, I may never have the courage to do it again.
I am happy, for the first time in several years I AM HAPPY. My kids are happy. I have money, I have bought new clothes and I feel pretty. I don’t smell like cigarette smoke. I have goals now, biggest goal is to fit in my pre-baby jeans again.
My preacher caught up with me yesterday and I was able to finally talk to him, he is my age, maybe a little older and easy to talk to. It was nice to finally be able to talk to someone, other than my parents, about what is going on. He really helped me understand some things.
TBH, I don’t know if he is drinking or not. Do I care? No, unless he has my children, which is has not even offered to take them in 2 months, except to pick our daughter up from school and feed her a bunch of bull on the way to the afternoon sitters house.
Does he deserve a second chance? What if I go back and find myself in a worse situation than I left. What if I go back and never get out again. It took me a year to get out this time, I may never have the courage to do it again.
I am happy, for the first time in several years I AM HAPPY. My kids are happy. I have money, I have bought new clothes and I feel pretty. I don’t smell like cigarette smoke. I have goals now, biggest goal is to fit in my pre-baby jeans again.
My preacher caught up with me yesterday and I was able to finally talk to him, he is my age, maybe a little older and easy to talk to. It was nice to finally be able to talk to someone, other than my parents, about what is going on. He really helped me understand some things.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: nor cal
Posts: 113
I sounds like your issues with him have gone be on the drinking.
I fell out of love, after I stepped away, I saw a lot of things I didn't like about my life with him.
The main thing you have to look at is your happiness.
I finally had to realize that too much damage had been done and if I went back I would not be happy no matter the circumstances.
I felt the guilt, but I just could not go back.
It was about me and I deserved a second chance to be happy.
You deserve to be happy!
I fell out of love, after I stepped away, I saw a lot of things I didn't like about my life with him.
The main thing you have to look at is your happiness.
I finally had to realize that too much damage had been done and if I went back I would not be happy no matter the circumstances.
I felt the guilt, but I just could not go back.
It was about me and I deserved a second chance to be happy.
You deserve to be happy!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by LIFEOUTTHERE
I am happy, for the first time in several years I AM HAPPY. My kids are happy.
If someone is not drinking for external reasons, what good is it?
Sounds like you're doing really well.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Not to even mention that if he is not "doing" something to change from the inside out and deal with his issues then all you will have is a miserable husband that is not drinking.... which is sometimes worse cuz they have to look at themselves without the numb the alcohol will give them.
Actions.... who is to say that if he changed there could not be a chance one day..... but dont place hopes and dreams on one day.... Life today because that is all your know you have.
Im doing the weight loss too.... pre baby jeans???? I cant even remember what size that was. My daughter is 17 and Im still working on getting rid of the baby bump *chuckles* ... progress not perfection.
Actions.... who is to say that if he changed there could not be a chance one day..... but dont place hopes and dreams on one day.... Life today because that is all your know you have.
Im doing the weight loss too.... pre baby jeans???? I cant even remember what size that was. My daughter is 17 and Im still working on getting rid of the baby bump *chuckles* ... progress not perfection.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Richton, MS
Posts: 135
I really know what my move is, I just don't want to be unreasonable and sometimes I think that I am not thinking with a clear head. I just need a little reasurrance that I am doing the right thing. I just have to teach myself to let go of things beyond my control.
As far as the weight issue, that was a big problem for him. He did not like the baby weight I put on after they were born. He always told me he would stop drinking when I was pretty again. I am a mother and wife, not a beauty queen.
As far as the weight issue, that was a big problem for him. He did not like the baby weight I put on after they were born. He always told me he would stop drinking when I was pretty again. I am a mother and wife, not a beauty queen.
When Pigs Fly
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: california
Posts: 894
I know exactly how you feel, I gave 2nd 3rd even 4 chances to change the way he treated me. If I had to do all over again I would not have given him that 2nd chance.. My kids suffered with every "chance" he got
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by LIFEOUTTHERE
I just need a little reasurrance that I am doing the right thing.
Originally Posted by LIFEOUTTHERE
He always told me he would stop drinking when I was pretty again.
L
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I totaly agree with LaTeeDa,
I think you already have your answers, you are traveling on the road of happiness right now, if you turn around you know exactely where that old road leads you to.
Keep your happiness, you've earned it.
I think you already have your answers, you are traveling on the road of happiness right now, if you turn around you know exactely where that old road leads you to.
Keep your happiness, you've earned it.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: still looking
Posts: 128
LOT...
I'm getting the same guilt trip from AH. He wants to change now.... why won't I give him a second chance? I give everyone else 2nd chances. He drinks because I don't pay attention to him and make him #1....blah blah blah.
You know what I HAVEN'T heard? "I quit drinking and joined AA...I'm getting counseling for my abusive issues, and am really trying to change my life for the better, regardless of what happens in our marriage"
I've heard none of that. I've heard about how wrong I am for "throwing away" our marriage, and how I kicked him to the curb when he needed me to "help him change".
Our dissolution papers are signed and we are waiting on our court date. I had family over this weekend, and realized that for the first time in years, the gathering didn't include people getting trashed and me being a nervous wreck watching how much AH was drinking and waiting for him to be an A$$ or make a fool of himself. What a relief!
Do I want to go back to that...no way!
I'm getting the same guilt trip from AH. He wants to change now.... why won't I give him a second chance? I give everyone else 2nd chances. He drinks because I don't pay attention to him and make him #1....blah blah blah.
You know what I HAVEN'T heard? "I quit drinking and joined AA...I'm getting counseling for my abusive issues, and am really trying to change my life for the better, regardless of what happens in our marriage"
I've heard none of that. I've heard about how wrong I am for "throwing away" our marriage, and how I kicked him to the curb when he needed me to "help him change".
Our dissolution papers are signed and we are waiting on our court date. I had family over this weekend, and realized that for the first time in years, the gathering didn't include people getting trashed and me being a nervous wreck watching how much AH was drinking and waiting for him to be an A$$ or make a fool of himself. What a relief!
Do I want to go back to that...no way!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
My last BF basically said the same thing...
In his apology letter he apologized to me for not talking to me about my weight gain because it bothered him alot. I did ask him about this during our relationship and he assured me it did not matter. But included that it was one of 3 issues he had that he is sorry he cant be in a relationship with me.... two of the 3 reasons I have no control over.
My thyroid messed up last year and no amount of dieting would fix the issue, I kept gaining weight. When they first put me on my pills to adjust it I had other issues from not eating well cuz of dieting. Its not like I was sitting in front of the TV with a gallon of Ice Cream every night. That really made me think... what if I got into a fire and 1/2 of my face burned.... he would not stick by me then either.... of course he would say he is sorry for not being able to deal with MY issue.
Noppers.... Not exactally what I was signing up for and definately not the person I thought he was. Nothing to do but move forward.... not that I dont love him.... just that he will never be able to love me the way I want to be loved.
In his apology letter he apologized to me for not talking to me about my weight gain because it bothered him alot. I did ask him about this during our relationship and he assured me it did not matter. But included that it was one of 3 issues he had that he is sorry he cant be in a relationship with me.... two of the 3 reasons I have no control over.
My thyroid messed up last year and no amount of dieting would fix the issue, I kept gaining weight. When they first put me on my pills to adjust it I had other issues from not eating well cuz of dieting. Its not like I was sitting in front of the TV with a gallon of Ice Cream every night. That really made me think... what if I got into a fire and 1/2 of my face burned.... he would not stick by me then either.... of course he would say he is sorry for not being able to deal with MY issue.
Noppers.... Not exactally what I was signing up for and definately not the person I thought he was. Nothing to do but move forward.... not that I dont love him.... just that he will never be able to love me the way I want to be loved.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
When you leave this kind of relationship, it takes sooooooooooooooo little to be soooooooooooooooooooo happy. We come to realize that going back means EXHAUSTING your self to be so sad and miserable.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Where the sun always shines!
Posts: 1,625
Good call LTD - Sometimes the answers are right in front of your face.
You will find peace in your heart, but you HAVE to keep focusing on you.
It's ok to question yourself...Minnie gave me some good advice when she suggested I bookmark my posts. That way, when I questioned myself, I could go back and READ what I've been through. It is so easy to forget when the promise of what we really want from our alcoholic/addict is being spoken. My lesson was learned when I quit listening and started watching.
Stay strong sweetie and keep the focus on you and your kids. You will find peace.
You will find peace in your heart, but you HAVE to keep focusing on you.
It's ok to question yourself...Minnie gave me some good advice when she suggested I bookmark my posts. That way, when I questioned myself, I could go back and READ what I've been through. It is so easy to forget when the promise of what we really want from our alcoholic/addict is being spoken. My lesson was learned when I quit listening and started watching.
Stay strong sweetie and keep the focus on you and your kids. You will find peace.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
He always told me he would stop drinking when I was pretty again.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: OHIO
Posts: 959
I gave my xah 8 tries. He never ever sought out help of any kind. According to him his problems were because of us. Just remember that alcoholism is a progressive thing and nothing changes if nothing changes. You just continue on living for yourself and those sweet kids of yours. If he ever does get well you will know it and down the road if your meant to be back together then it will happen. (But I wouldn't hold my breath) Stay the course honey....
Janit
Janit
Hot Flashes????
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: bloomington In.
Posts: 71
I know how that feels. 2 weeks after having my daughter my exh told me I was to fat to have sex with.
Well, now I'm with someone who pats my tummy and says "I love how soft you are."
What a difference!
Well, now I'm with someone who pats my tummy and says "I love how soft you are."
What a difference!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Originally Posted by Janitw
I gave my xah 8 tries. He never ever sought out help of any kind. According to him his problems were because of us. Just remember that alcoholism is a progressive thing and nothing changes if nothing changes. You just continue on living for yourself and those sweet kids of yours. If he ever does get well you will know it and down the road if your meant to be back together then it will happen. (But I wouldn't hold my breath) Stay the course honey....
Janit
Janit
I read in one of the "Getting Them Sober" books that it the AVERAGE number of times of leaving and returning in an alcohoilc relationship is eight times!!!
You can come,go,ask him to leave, divorce,remarry,etc. ad nauseum as long as the focus is on YOU!!! and what you want.
Doesn't make it any easier to do and not wonder (esp. for me...he is MY addiction). Lots of good advice from the others here,already.
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