FormerDoormat

Each of us joined this forum for roughly the same reason. Our lives had spiraled out of control. Our relationships were broken beyond repair. Our days, which once were filled with happiness and joy were now filled with misery and pain. We'd become consumed with anger towards our partners and our thoughts were clouded. We spent our days obsessing over things we couldn't control. We were no longer enjoying life. We were barely existing.

So we joined this forum in an attempt to find a path to serenity--to find a way out of our hellish lives. At first we were in denial. We blamed our misery on our alcoholic partners, on our medling inlaws, on friends or acquaintences who encouraged our loved ones to drink, or on other women who lured our faultering partners away from us.

Much like our alcoholic loved ones, we couldn't see that the problems we were experiencing and the pain we were feeling were of our own making. We found a myriad of excuses to accept unacceptable behavior: "I love him, I'm afraid I can't make it financially on my own, I'm afraid to be alone, I'm afraid no one else would want me, I'm afraid I'll lose the house." The excuses just kept coming. Yes, denial is a powerful thing.

But then one day, the clouds begin to clear and you realize that you're miserable because you choose to be miserable.

You see, our lives are a reflection of the choices we make. We chose our partners, and in doing so, we also choose our inlaws. We choose how we'll allow our partners to treat us. We choose where we want to live and how we want to live. We choose where we want to work and how we'll allow our coworkers to treat us.

The life we have today is the result of choices we've made in the past and, more importantly, the choices we make today. If it's not working for us, if our alcoholic loved ones, family, or friends are treating us poorly, if we're consumed with anger or rage or jealously, then it's up to us to do something about it. It's up to us to find a solution and choose a different path. No amount of complaining will effect change. Decisiveness and action will affect change.

It's not our alcoholic partners who make us miserable--We make ourselves miserable because of the choices we make. And only we have the power to do something about it.

This powerful quotation--a description of her mother posted by Blizzard yesterday--reminded me of similar words that I posted roughly a year ago. So I am reposting this again today, in hopes that it will help others who may still be looking outside themselves for happiness, success, serenity, and solutions their problems.

mallowcup

I didn't really choose to be miserable and I'm not really miserable. I have made some choices I'm proud of. I love being nurse. I have great friends and co workers. I make good money. I have healthy happy children. I am married to an alcoholic. That was one choice.

FormerDoormat

I don't think I intentionally chose to be miserable. But the choices I made certainly resulted in a life of misery. No one forced me into that black hole at gunpoint, I went along willingly.

mallowcup

I think we should cut oursleves some slack as well. We don't discover our partners are alcoholics and ecide that day that the wise thing to do is leave. snap decisons don't make us brilliant either. We learn about this problem and we do some research. We become optimistic because there's all kinds of help available. Like any good spouse that discovers an illness in their partner, we try to find a cure. We don't come full of information and just because our husband or wife may be an alcoholic, that doesn't make our marriages less. Hopefully, most people gain wisdom and make better choices in time. Your mother is your mother, your son is your son. Your husband is your husband and these bonds are not broken easily.

Freedom07

mallowcup -- top O the mornin !!!!

A fello insomniac - who can't get enough of this forum page.

Gus

mfisher

I think the problem for me was recognizing the misery. I was going along in this life thinking I just had to deal with the issues and problems the A was causing in my life. I needed to support him, I had the hope of him waking up one day and him stopping.
I had the hope that one day he would wake up and love me and the kids in a way I thought he should.
I went through years of pain because of my hopes and dreams.
When I woke up and realized this was going to be my life and I wanted better for myself I did I make a change.
When I had the opportujnity to step away and take a good look at myself and the situation I then had a choice.
When you are living in it and still trying to work through choice isn't an option.
It's when you have had enough that change can happen. You are the only one that knows when enough is enough.

DesertEyes

Very well said FormerD, thank you for sharing that.

I didn't choose to marry a pill-head. But once I discovered that I was in a bad marriage I chose to remain and make it worse. I could have chosen to get out sooner, but I did not. Life sent me the challenge of living with an addict, I chose to accept that life and make it worse with a dose of denial.

Today I choose differently, and healthier.

Mike

StandingStrong

I agree with Mike.
And I gotta admit that when at first it was implied that I owned a part in how my life and marriage had turned out - I was shocked at the idea!
Today, I can look back and see the choices I made and how they affected my life. The things that I allowed and accepted.
Today, I too, choose to make better decisions.

I have a thread on this board that I started (I think last year) titled something about "I am a reactor to life". I realized that I reacted to life, I didn't just make my life happen. Even though the replies I got talked about being a preactor, I didn't really get it. Today - I finally understand what that means as well. It's taken me some time, but I'm "getting it" now.

Great post FD. Thank you!

Janitw

ditto deserteyes - I didn't know either that my ex-husband was an alcoholic before I married him and when I did realize it - I chose to stay because I just figured that that was the package I bought into. So I stayed and like deserteyes said - gulped down a great big dose of denial. And took another dose each year.

blizzard77

I did know that my H was an A when I married him yet I married him anyways. Looking back I was living in major denial, trying to create the life I always wanted. Moved out of COLD/SNOWY Buffalo and to the beautiful blue skys of Norh Carolina, bought the new house, got a good paying job, AH got a good paying job, life was happy....not. then he looses his jobs takes on a opiate habit and life spirals out of control. It was a matter of time and I knew this I just wasn't ready to face it, thought I could "control" things. Then he goes to rehab, gets sober and things got progressively got worse. His sobriety forced me to take a good hard look at me. I didn't do that when he was drinking, in my mind HIS drinking was the cause of MY unhappiness. Nope, don't work that way does it??
I made bad choices and decisions based on my underlying issues, I was a mess. I looked like I had it together compared to him but I didn't. Still don't but finally I am taking steps to help me help myself. If he didn't get sober, I'd still be living in denial. It's not easy but for me it's slowly getting better. Now as far as AH, well I don't know. I stopped taking his inventory and that enabled me to take my own. I'm feeling better everyday, sure I have bad days but not as many as I did 3-4 months ago when I realized I was worthy of happiness. I just has to get off of my a$$ and do something. FD, thanks for the post, reminds me of my progress without a need for perfection anymore.

kermit

Here is my thing, I knew I had some blame to take.. But when i asked and even when we were in counsling he always said that there was nothing I needed to change... That is was the perfect Mother and wife. But deep down inside there were many things I did that bothered him and he just wouldn't couldn't say it. I wanted very much to accept my part He just never let me know what hurt him the most.So I just sat back and let everything get distroyed. Untill I made the decision to file for divorce

denny57

Don't you see if you were willing to accept your part, there was nothing else YOU could do? Don't you believe the other crap. Working on things mean we have to change. You were willing. Someone else wasn't. Change might have meant no drinking, to begin with.

blizzard77

He made that choice. A are incapable of pure honesty. You were honestly trying, he was not and probably never had any intention because that would mean he'd have to acknowledge his part in it. How can you say you just sat back and let it all be destroyed??? You put the effort into saving your marriage, he did not. Kermit, I can't even begin to understand how painful this situation is for you, seeing your children upset and seeing him "playing" them, telling them he might stay when he has no intention of doing so.
I know you don't see or believe it right now because the pain is way to raw but YOU and the KIDS are better off without him. He lies to his children so that he don't have to deal with their questions and their pain because he is choosing to move away from them???? Leaves you to clean up the emotional pain your children are experiencing??? He's sick and I mean that literally. What a dick. Sorry, just came out!!! :uzi2: