So Confused

You all have helped me a great deal get to this point. Although some of the things I barked at and did not want to hear. I found those were in fact the biggest truths of all. I sent an email to the boyfriend I have cried about on here for a year. Although it stated nothing new. I decided to explain where I am with tools I have gathered from a great deal of wonderful advice. So many of us have such different issues yet somehow it all ties us in together. Reading some of your posts has given me strength & that if so many people think his behavior is selfish what am I missing. After he had read the email he just kept calling blah blah blah like nothing. I asked him if he read it. His reply you have impecable timing I feel awful. He has been sick for a week. But honestly is there ever a good time there will always be a reason not to discuss it. 2 more days and I waited then ;last night ENOUGH!!!! I asked him if he planned on responding. The email was very to the point progress not perfection. I just needed him to move forward with me. The way our relationship is. is not healthy and I have to love myself more than this. Anyway..........His response if you are going to back me in a corner then no we are not together. Suddenly he is done hiding in the house and is still sick mind you but a big AA weekend planned. UNREAL!!!! He says he made a committment to them. I explained I cannot continue to speak of you to my daughter and my parents think we are coming for thanksgiving. I never see you. I am not going to live in a fantasy. I have hurt so many women he tells me I do not know why it is not just you but I am not ok. I have to figure out why I do it. I suggested he stay in his house and never come out lol He knows he manipulates people he thinks it is funny and a trait of some sort. I sent him voicemails today that he had left when he had forgotten my birthday and went into a panic that I was with someone else. I wanted him to hear for someone who thinks we aren't together he is awfully copncerned about where I am and what I am doing YA KNOW My this turned into a session didn't it. Anyway I cannot do this anymore. I am better than not knowing or not having someone love me back. To be very honest I really do not need anyone to love but me and my daughter. I do not want to feel like this ever again. Truly hard to walk away but honestly what the hell am I staying for so I can cry about the same thing over and over and he does not have to change or answer because as far as he knows I am never leaving. THANKS SORRY HAD A MOMENT and thank you all again for any advice you may have offered each one of you has made me at least see the light....

Cynay

Im sorry its so fresh for you again.

I have to ask though, were you giving him that "last chance" that we all seem to give them about 100 times? Do you think you were trying to control the relationship by telling him to make a decision?

Sweetie its not about him.... its not about if he would say "sure babe I will get recovery"

Its all about YOU.

I struggle all the time with ... should I call him, just sending out a feeler to know where I stand.... or more like if his position has changed... etc.

The bottom line for me is that all of it has been said. Contact at all will just rip off the scab that has barely formed. Im not over it by any means and still love him.... The difference is I committed myself to not contacting him, during this time I have to decide what I want... what my boundries are and stick with them. Example woudl be say he called today.... I would have to ask what has really changed because I dont want to hurt this way again. Is he getting counceling, AA, working any program????? My boundry is if he is not then the same thing will happen again so I dont want that relationship.

Take the focus off him and put it only on you sweetie....

No contact works for me. Actions louder then words will be a must in anyone now.

deax

I feel for you, SC. I know all too well what it's like to try and explain, re-explain, explain in new words, explain calmly, explain angrily, explain hysterically, explain using insults and shaming, explain through the silent treatment, explain by making him jealous. Begging. Crying. Reminding. Pretending to be something I wasn't-- to be 'over it' or over him when I wasn't. Sex played a role. Not a single one of those approaches made him "get" any of it any better, or for long. I just explained myself again a week ago, in some sense. Learning not to explain, which is learning to let go, is the hardest thing in the whole world to me.

Pretty serious red flag here. Sounds like you're fighting a losing battle, if this is his current mindset.

You're doing well, imo. Getting more aware. Channel that energy into protecting yourself from further damage. Hard as it is, try to stop trying to make him "get" that you're trying to love yourself more or that you've realized you deserve more. Given his above mindset, how much will telling him really accomplish?

In "Women who Love Too Much," the author was talking about learning to stop the dance that keeps it all going. And she said something like,

"Stop playing the game. And announcing 'I'm not playing' is still playing."
I dunno about you, but that one sure hit me where it hurt.

(hugs)

Cynay

OMG is that not the truth.... I was SO good at that.. I would announce over and over and over.... and you know what I dont think either one of us believed it.... that was in many relationships

mallowcup

I feel a strength rising up inside you. We all have a fight or flight reponse that eventually makes up rise up and save ourselves, or try to. We are either living or dying. Realzing this , I have much more success detaching. My hsuband is the exception to every rule. He is going to drink and not die. That's a ship I have to jump. Is it heroic or just plain stupid to wave bye bye and sit there on a ship that's sinking? We put our faith int he Captian of the ship and when we realize he's nuts, jump!

So Confused

All of your word are so true. I suppose i wan thim to knoe I di dnot give up onhim like everyone else that i did all that I could do hence the explanation. However, as it turns out I could tell a brick wall with the same outcome. AMAZING!!! Deax: What you said is just how I feel!!!! I feel like I am on a roller coaster and blinfolded, never sure when the next dip is coming. I think I have been scared enough and hurt more than I bargained for I think I am ready get off the ride now. Praying I can take this one day at a time. I feel a little abd about sendinf those text messages and crazy voice mails he sent me back to him. Not ot healthy huh? I guess for a minute i wanted him to hear what I hear and know that I am not crazy here. He lives like we are together but when it works for him I sometimes think he believes I have imagined it to be where it is. I thought maybe if he heard what he he sounded like it might give him some understanding. Now the phone has stopped ringing guess I mad him mad. At this point he deserves a lil negative emotion I have had my share.

deax

Me too. And it was embarrassing to myself every time.

lovesnorm

Sad but true. I'll throw in another "me too" on this one.

BigSis

That spoke to me, so confused. I wanted to love my addicts into sobriety. Hearing that I could NOT was devastating.

Just as we cannot believe an addicts WORDS, but only their ACTIONS.... the same goes for us.

An addict will not hear our WORDS, but will only react to our ACTIONS.

What action do you have planned for the future?

So Confused

I went out this weekend with people who make me feel wonderful. I have not smiled and laughed so much in a long time. I t was a little strange this go round though. Everytime I think of him I remember the hurt and when I think of it I KNOW how wrong it is. Before I would think of him and fall apart. I guess this is part of the process of letting go. Just nice to have an emotion that reminds me of all the hurt. A very strong feeling and will make you not want to pick up the phone and gives you the strength to want something more for yourself. I am sure there will be days where I question my decision. But you know what I want to smile again and feel beautiful and loved. So I think I am going to have a little moment for me now. God knows I have interrupted it everytime because I kept going back to him. Hoping and praying for guidance through this all.

mallowcup

I'm so glad you enjoyed the weekend. It's nice to relax and have a good time not worrying about what you'll come home to. Isnt' it nice to have a pleasant interaction. To talk with people who like you and enjoy your company?