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Help! She's Back !! My STBXW has reappeared! After almost four months with no contact with the kids or her family she showed up in our hometown again. I saw her. She is still drinking, not out of contol, but like she always has.....maintenance. She said she has been trying to get her courage up to call the kids, She says she has been ashamed and felt terrible for not calling them. She is planning on dropping off gifts for the kids while they are not at home tomorrow along with a letter apologizng for her behavior. She is also leaving her a phone number for them to call her, if they want to. Is this the right way to handle this. Is there a right way??? I have not told the kids I have seen her. I thought it best to see if she would carry through with her decision. She is then planning on going back to her rehab BF and then perhaps home to her parents for awhile. It sound like he is not in very good health. Liver problems of some sort. I told her I forgive her and her BF. That I wish her happiness and sobriety. I do not want to stand in her way of reopening a relationship with the kids, but I have to protect them too! Comments welcome! |
you are definately doing the right thing not telling them until she follows through...i can not imagine what they have been through already and you are right that you need to protect them...it is such a shame that you and your family have gone through all of this but you seem like you are doing a great job and you are a great parent....i think you are doing all of the right things and you should feel good about that....i hope everything works out for you and your family and i will say a prayer for you.... |
I admire your composure. You are a very good dad. I think you handled it with class. Out of all the ways you could have reacted I think you may have done a better job of it than I would have. I guess I'd like to acknowledge how hurt your feelings must have been that she didn't mention an apology to you or thank you.....so I will. Some woman is going to find the love of her life when she meets you. |
I think you handled it very well. |
I think you handled things great as well, guy. Sounds like you know what to do and what to look out for in the situation with your kids. You should be proud of yourself! |
Very well handled. And ditto what Mallow said. Peace |
I agree with all of the above. Hope she keeps this plan. Ya did good. |
If she has no plan of staying, maybe she should stay gone out of the kids lives. I hate the thought of them losing her all over again each time she is motivated by guilt. Is it guilt that has kept her away or is it guilt that brings her back? Everything becomes complicated again. I think before she has a single thing to do with the kids ever again, I might demand on at least six months sobriety. The kids don't deserve to hear her version of what love is. She needs to do the work. |
How old are your kids?Ala-teen is a great recvoery program for the kids.There is fellowship and solutions,for them,from their peers, who have been there to,and found recovery. |
Hey Guy, Is this the right way to handle this. Is there a right way??? I have not told the kids I have seen her. I thought it best to see if she would carry through with her decision 1) Be honest and forthcoming with my children about her disease and her stated intentions. 2) To see if she can perform and mean whats she says or say what she means, and not just quack...basically a test. The trouble with #2 reason is that it would have the potential to be unhealthy for me and the children, and I would be upset if she didnt perform and as a result, hurt my children and myself. I told her I forgive her and her BF. That I wish her happiness and sobriety. I do not want to stand in her way of reopening a relationship with the kids, but I have to protect them too! Guy, good for you! I think you are getting to a happier place, Guy and I am happy to see it :) |
Is it guilt that has kept her away or is it guilt that brings her back? |
Sounds good, Guy. You've left it to her to carry through on her plans. Keep us posted and good luck. |
(((guy)))....what everyone else has already said! :Val004: |
Well, she came by the house while we were gone, and left presents for the girls and a letter telling them she was sorry. She included phone numbers where she could be reached and an address for letters. My little one called the number and got her voicemail and thanked her for the gifts. The girls did not seem too freaked out, or emotional. I think they were hopeful she was getting better. I called the hotel where she was staying, she checked out. I assume she is going back to where she has been living with her BF. Sounds like he is pretty sick. I hope she want disappear again...............but only time will tell. |
The worst thing I've ever done to myself was hope. I know that sounds negative, but I think I let myself down more by hoping...esp when it comes to G. His actions were totally out of my control....and it really really hurt me to hold on to the "hope". I'm really glad she followed through for the kiddies! |
YUP! Since I gave up hope, I feel much better. I am glad that she at least did as she said, this time. Yes, I wish the very best for her and you all. It is pretty hard to return with gifts, tel numbers etc when one feels extremely guilty. Then we don't dare hope for anything else, sad. |
Guess what! She just called back. She is back home with her BF. She thanked me for forgiving her and him for all they have done to me and the kids. I asked her that the only repayment I wanted was for the both of them to get sober, stay in touch with the girls and her family, find a Church home.....and go to service. All things are possible through God. Honestly, I will not be shocked by anything they do or don't do. But its hard not to hope. I will be viligent with my kids, and protect them emotionally and physically as best i can. The relationship she had with her children is gone, but perhaps one day they can have a relationship......maybe even a good one! Hope............isn't that fundamental to our nature? Or am I a fool????? |
That sounded like closure and clarity all rolled into one. You disarmed her and gave her something to think about. She walked away without any reasons not to thing about what you said. You put the ball squarely and kindly in her court. What about you? It sounds like she will stay on the periphery of your life. I'm not sure if she is your wife. If so, will you formally divorce and start thinking about a romantic life for your self? |
To hope is to be real, it is what we do when our hopes are dashed that can be our downfall. You make a good point about the relationship with the children, the innocence of that parental relationship is gone. My children had a difficult time in their ability re establish an new relationship with their father, espeically as they became adults. Unfortunatley my 2 youngest want nothing to do with him and my daughter who is 23 is going in that direction. He is still drinking and they cannot handle him at any level. Best to you, you are a great father and human being. |
Yes, I am moving on a best I can. I should have my official divorce within a month. Dating and new romance? Maybe in time. |
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