I'm so depressed
 

Hello Everyone,

I'm having a bad day!!!! It's been about two months my ex AB and I have broken up. The last couple of months I have been really angry...don't cry or feel anything. Yesterday and today, it's like I was struck with sadness. I can't stop crying and all I keep thinking about is my ex. I miss him so much. I miss the times we've had together. It kills me to drive by places that remind me of him. I spent eight years with him. I don't know how I'm going to get over him. What if I can't ever get over him? What if I'll never be able to feel love for another man, especially the way I feel for my ex.

My ex called me a few weeks ago he wants to go dinner some time. I told him I don't think so. He also said, he wants to get back together in a year or two, that's if I am a better person to be around. I don't understand why he said a year of two?? I told him I don't think I'll ever be able to go back to him, especially after everything he has done to me. After we had that converstion, he doesn't call me anymore. If he does it's to ask me something and then he'll just hang up on me...guess he hates me now. It's so hard to go on with my life. I had a job interview downtown Chicago today. It could be a new beginning for me, but something is holding me back. I'm so scared to start over!!!! All I want to do is sleep...so tired of feeling pain.

Was this a "typo"? Did you mean he said when HE is a better person to be around?

Hopefully this was a typo....if not then he hasn't learnt anything, he's still blaming you for things going wrong....

Its totally natural to miss somebody and your thoughts will yoyo for a long time.....thats the thing ya see...when you put up with bad behaviour for so long you get used to it, start to self loathe for being so "stupid"....start to doubt your desicions etc...

Read back over your other posts...do you not still feel like you did when you posted before? Those problems haven't gone away, you're just choosing to think of the good times instead of the bad because you miss him.

My ex was a cocaine addict and he's the father of my child. We beat around the bush for a long long time and I took him back because I missed him, nothing changed, everything was fine for a week then it'd start again.

What I'm saying is if you relent and go back to him it'll all be the same as before pretty quickly, and things must have been bad for you to leave him in the first place...when you're missing the good times, think about the bad also, don't forget them...

xxxx

I don't understand why he said if you're a better person to be around. You seem like a very nice person to me. :Val004:

I'm sorry you're in so much pain. It does get better. I know, after 18 years. I still have sad days, but if I think about it, it's more because of what I wish we had together, not really "him" and all the chaos that went with the disease.

Hang in there. Call some friends, go to a meeting, post here when you're feeling blue. It will pass and you will find love again. Believe it.

amber...i have been through loss so many times...it does get better...the best thing for you to do is take care of yourself and go for that new life...it took me a while to get over the relationships that ended painfully...but i did get over it...
i learned that i had to make myself happy...find my independance...and have my own life...that is when love came to me...and because i care about myself my relationship is very strong...i found a man who respects me for who i am and loves me unconditionally...he was attracted to my confidence and my self esteem...we have been married for five years and together for seven.....
so get up and go through the motions until it is not just going through the motions anymore and you really will find out so many things about yourself...so many things that you are capable of on your own...i know how much you are hurting but time truly does make it better...but you really do not have to rely on a man to make you happy...
it would be a good idea to do something special for yourself that you really love to do...read a good book...go to navy pier...ride up the sears tower and look at your beautiful city...(did i mention that i love chicago...i lived in joliet for two years and i miss that city!!!) there are endless possabilities for your life and you can make a decision to reach out and grab them....
if your depression lasts for more than two weeks or gets worse, i would talk to your doctor...there are a lot of things they can do to help...
i hope things work out for you and you move on...good luck, sweetie i am sending you good thoughts and prayers....

ayla z

Hang in there
 

Hi amber

Your post really hit home! 2 months away after 6 yrs with my abf. I cried for hours in the tub last night. It is terrifying and depressing. I understand what you mean about not feeling anything.

The suggestion about remembering the bad does help me. It doesn't make me mourn him or what we could have had less. It doesn't make me stop wondering "what if?" What is does for me is to make the right now clearer. When I remember the bad I know that leaving was the best and only choice for me, I know that today is a heck of a lot better than the 6 yrs of yesterdays I left behind, and I know that tomorrow, for the first time in a long time, holds potential. May sound strange, but it gets me through the bad nights.

I hope tomorrow is a better day for you.:Val004:

You refer to the things he did to you. Is it love that you feel? Breaking up with an alcoholic is intense. You haven't found your footing yet. I'm sure it was emotional and there was no real closure. You made a decision based on reasons. You may not be where you want to be but you don't want to go back, not really. I think you'd rather have something and someone familiar than nothing. It wasn't good. Breaking up is painful. Starting over is hard. Don't put yourself back to face everything you've been thorugh all over again.

Oh sweetie I feel your pain. As it seems it is all a process. Trust in God that there is a plan. Although you cannot see it now there is a reason for everything.Sometimes it is nice to not have to know. If it helps at all you have to go through this to get to all that you can accomplish. best of luck to you. What ever doesn't kill you makes you stronger

In My prayers
SC

He left me...confused!
 

Thank you all for your kind words and suggestions. You're all right about going through the pain to get to something better in life. My situation seems different than the others in this forum. All of you chose to leave our exAB and husbands. My ex left me...why, I still don't know. He told me it wasn't working between us, all we do is fight. YEAH, we fight about his drinking. When we lived out in Arizona for two years, things took a turn for the worse. He would be gone for days on a drinking binge. He was doing cocaine too. I remember our first New Years eve out in AZ he disappeared. I was left alone in a new town, no friends or family to celebrate with. He didn't come home until the next day. Always had an excuse for everything and was great about turning the tables to make me feel like crap. He told me (and no this is not a typo) I need to change my attitude. He feels like he did everything for me and bought me everything I could ever want and I was still not happy. He said, he tried so hard to make me happy, but I'm just a miserable person to be around. It's so untrue and it's hard to comprehend when he says stuff like that to me. Is he just looking for an excuse to drink and blame me? How can he still tell me he loves me after all the pain he has put me through? I don't understand why he would say he wants to get back together in a couple of years. It makes no sense to me. Do alcoholics feel other people's pain or are they so cut off from reality that they don't see it? :bigcry

It sounds to me like he has not an ounce of humility, wants everything 100% on his terms and refuses to take any responsibility for his actions towards you. Tried so hard to make you happy when he abandoned you on New Year's Eve? Calls you miserable when he's emotionally abusive? I know it's hard, but you need to find your center here. I don't think he should get to be the one to throw around ultimatums, nor that the relationship should hinge upon YOUR bettering yourself. That's almost shocking. Not that we ALL shouldn't better ourselves and think our own motives through, but how much of the burden he sounds like he rests on your shoulders. It's almost like he wants to treat you badly, and aso have you kiss his ass for it?

If you're SURE that you don't want him back in the future, maybe having absolutely no contact with him woud be in your best interest to help you move forward and focus on your own life. My ex is a binge drinker and a coke addict too, and we are in (mostly) no contact and will be for a year- and the point of that amount of time is for ME to detach FROM HIM, to get my head on straight.

If you're NOT sure if you see him in your future, perhaps you should think about setting some boundaries to maintain your self-respect, give HIM something to live up to in order to keep you in HIS life.Even his hanging up on you; is that ok with you to be treated that way? Perhaps he needs to see you in a new light and if he can't/won't handle it, then you have your answer about the future of the relationship. As they say, "nothing changes if nothing changes."

Does anyone else you love and care about say this to you? No? Then maybe, just maybe the problem is his? HMMMMMMMM?

I know the people in my life who love me do not treat me like this, but they are also not alcoholics. He does blame me for his life and having no money. The thing is he doesn't work a full week, so who's to blame for that...HIMSELF! All I know is he's not working that much and occasionally his boss goes over to his house and drags him out of bed. He has no car, lives with another alcoholic male and is on the verge of losing his job (a real great job). His boss is also a close friend of his. I feel his boss is enabling my ex because he feels sorry for him. He has everyone believing he is in poor health and that's why he's missing work, not that the real reason is his binge drinking. He has cut me out of his life along with his family. His dad has been a recovered alcoholic for 15 years now. His dad is trying to reach out to him, but he refuses to call and talk to him. NO, it's not okay he hangs up on me. In fact, I've detached myself from him and told him not to call me anymore. Maybe that's why I'm sad. He's okay with the fact I'm out of his life. I know his family sees him as being depressed so he drinks more to kill the pain. It's not fair he has beer to wash away his pain!! What is the magic potion for me? There isn't one!!! I have to walk through the dark tunnel of pain while he gets to live his life w/o feeling one ounce of shame or guilt....IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!:wtf1:

[QUOTEWhat is the magic potion for me?][/QUOTE]
:)
Loving yourself.
Valuing yourself.
Doing nice things for yourself.
Taking care of the little voice inside of yourself.

Telling yourself that you didnt cause this and you can be happy.

Nope it's not fair. But you need to trust that you made the right decision because absolutely nothing is changing.

I can relate to the work situation. My bf never blames ME for his not having money, but he also averages work 2-3 times per week. Why? Because after he binges he isolates himself, worries about how he looks physically (all of a sudden he gets vain), and feels like everyone knows what he did. And he just doesn't feel like getting out of bed, so unlike a responsible adult, he doesn't. And his boss enables him too- before I broke up with him I was so bad I had his password to his cell phone's voice mail and I would check it regularly. There were messages from his boss saying things like, "Rich, I really need you on Wednesday so don't get f--ked up on Tuesday night." :e136: His boss knew exatly what was going on and was definitely enabling it. Because what did he care? Off the books labor, doesn't give a **** what he did in his personal life. And I hated this guy for that, once I discovered it. So it's totally unfair that other people actively enable the ones that we love in killing themselves, but we can't change that. All we can do is stop our own enabling, and hope it brings some positive effects.

And it's also not fair that they get the privilege of medicating the pain of life away. But remember that you are the healthier person, his life is miserable whether he'll admit it or not. Just because he is throwing his life away, you don't have to. I'm happy to hear you told him not to call you. Nothing has to be forever, if his behavior changes you can reassess and perhaps decide to invite him into your life again at some point.

Don't personalize more than necessary. He is in the throes of this illness. He's throwing away not only you but also his family, his job, his life. He's living in an environment that makes maintaining this addiction easy, acceptable even. It's extremely sad and I feel for you to have to witness it. But it's not your fault and you can choose to improve your life. Allow yourself to grieve, and then work on letting it go. Which is HARD- I have to go to Al Anon, pray asking God for the willingness to let go and let God, AND attend meditation workshops on "Accerptance and Letting Go" just to try and figure it out and keep myself on track. It is literally a daily battle for me. It's gotten easier but I have to really WORK at it.

But for today I think you're doing the right things in general and by asking him not to call. You're protecting and being nice to yourself. But still, it is going to hurt like HELL. I've had days hysterical crying, having panic attacks, not being able to think straight etc-- because I missed this person so much, a person I CHOSE to separate myself from for my own good. But even though you know something rationally doesn't make it hurt any less.

They say we are addicted to the addict the same way the addict is addicted to their drug of choice. So these are our own withdrawal symptoms. But making positive changes for yourself is painful, makes you have to get used to feeling uncomfortable and NOT doing the things that necessarily come naturally to you. It's a rebirth of sorts and in time I believe we will come out stronger people, who respect ourselves more. In taking care of R and his feelings, I see now all the times I disrespected myself. Time does make it easier, but you will feel the pangs. I know firsthand, too.

There are lots of good books that help. Keep reading and posting here. Have you been to Al Anon yet? Go to a meeting-- a few of them if you hate the first one (like I did). Take your time healing, let yourself feel, just don't get stuck there. (hugs)

I know the feeling: my AH left and divorced me after 27yrs of marriage and two kids. Feels like being "rejected by a reject" but it was just his way of cotinuing with his addiction and trying something/anything else to convince himself that alcoholism isn't THE problem. Feels like a double-whammy, I know. Truth is, in my case I have been a stay-at-home mom and he still has a good career and $ (I think) so he COULD do this. We'll see if it lasts.

Take the time to for yourself; glad you are here.

p.s. I didn't read all the post/posts yet but that jumped out at me and I wanted you to know that you are not the only one....it feels that way, I know. Made me doubt myself that much more.

Pick-a-name: OMG, you just made me realize something. You're so right about the feeling of being rejected by a reject. I was the best thing for him. I definitely was the better half. I was so willing to help him go through AA and would have done anything to make things better. I guess he chooses to hang out at dive bar drinking beer with complete losers is far more important than being with me. The sad thing is, he pushed all the good people out of his life to make room for his new friends (all drunks). I know I have to go through the pain to get to something better. I felt God has carried me through most of it, but not all of it. My ex is a very stubborn person. As long as he's drinking he will never see what he had in his life before all of this. He's surrounding himself around people that enable him, tell him all the things he wants to hear. All I want out of this is karma!!! I pray some day he finally realizes all the pain he caused me and hopefully apologizes...wishful thinking...I know! I do need closure in order to move on. I know I'm expecting too much from a very sick person.

Magic Potion Recipe:

No Contact
Work on self


Good luck.

You should really try to read Codependant No More, it will SO speak to you and help you alot. I've read it three times so far, it's just "me" in nutshell!

If you give it time I think you will come to the point where happy memories will replace hurtful ones. I can't wait to hear that you drove by a place today and you couldn't stop smiling because it reminded you of the good time you had there with a new guy. Love will come. If I knew where you lived, I'd send you a big fat expensive bouqet of roses.

Amber. My xabf said the same things. It had gotten to the point where in his mind, I was doing NOTHING right and he was yelling at me constantly. I couldn't take it anymore so I started doing things he did like breaking dishes. I never did that kind of stuff in ANY of my previous relationships. It was part of his "crazy making" plan. Then he could fully blame me for the relationship not working. Don't blame yourself. He is the one using. I too cannot understand why someone would do this but I also have never abused a substance for years....decades.

Remember, we all have had similar things occur. Some drunks seem sorry for what they say and do and others continue to lash out and blame. :(

giz

They seem to only feel their pain although there is abrief moment where they may admitt othere peole and other feelings eist in this world it is very brief. If you are waiting for him to realize your pain or comment Do not hold your breath