Rocky5766

Hi- I'm Missy. I'm also a recovering alcoholic. I have been sober off and on for about a year. I relapsed after my daughters father (who is also an alcoholic) moved out and left us last year. I had been with him for 10 years. I was always the faithful "wife" if you will. But after I had my daughter, for some reason, my drinking which was never anything other than social, became a daily occurance. And worsened over the years. Last year, I lost my job. The first time I have ever been unemployed. Sent me into a downward spiral of shame so terrible... I did horrible horrible things. But 90% of them, I had no idea I did because I black out. Well, since my relationship with my daughters father was pretty much terrible at this time- we had terrible drunk fueled physical and verbal fights. We were not intimate- he only cared about his drink- and I was lonely- and drank away my woes. I cheated on him during a black out. He left me. I sobered up, and had been doing well. So, he came back. Well- he mioght have been back, but his habits havent changed. when he was only "taking it easy" meaning a 12 pack a night- there were no fights...but now hes binge drinking- and drinking in the morning? he never did that before- but his excuse is that hes on "vacation" or he has "no work".

Now- i *know* I cannot change him, force him to stop drinking- I know because I have the same problem. But now its different. Now he has been accusing me of being the cause of all of his problems and hence- why he drinks. He drinks because i cheated on him- he drinks because i ruined the family- He calls me terrible names, so, so terrible, in front of my 5 year old. He wakes up- goes out and gets drunk now in the morning. He has turned into a nasty terrible, lying, manipulated person. So much so, I had to leave the hbouse this weekend, in fear, not that he would physically hurt me- but this emotional abuse- i cant take it anymore. I mean, I know I've made mistakes. Believe me, I regret them. but i am not a bad person. nor am i a wh*re or a sl*t, or a bad mother..or whatever else name he jeers at me.
it makes me feel better to know that i am not the cause of his drinking. and that this is not my fault that things are so sh*tty. they are this way because he is doing this onto himself. I'm glad I am not the only one- although I wish this weren't such a common problem.

Best wishes- and I'm glad I found this site.

fourmaggie

then you are doing good work!! he sees a change in you...and he dont like that he is not getting away with things ANYMORE...

WAY TO GO!!

chronsweet

If you're abused and you know it clap your hands... stomp your feet... turn around... make a plan... run like hell.

That made me laugh, thanks!

Carol Star

it's like being pecked to death.........

msbelle57

I am so sorry you are going through this right now. I understand your fear. BUt if he is abusing you and throwing you against walls. You should be more scared of that! Alcohol turns my husband into an angry person too..he calls me names and put down dinners i cook..that 2 weeks before he said he loved. Same meal...go figure. They always look for someone to blame so they can drink and feel justified. you are not the fool..you are in something bigger than you and he has to want to get help and stop for him. you have to think of you and how to keep you safe and happy. There is help out there. God bless

jOSE2

This site has helped me so much,reading other posts,I finally rang around this week, seeking help in my area -Victims Support,locks changed-given an alarm to carry on my person,informed Police-getting help from my GP.ExHA stalking me,sending me letters of apology what he done wrong to me over the years,all lies of course, as when he lives with me and I have tried to talk about this to him ,he had denied vehemnetly that he was an abusive person,told me its all in my head, Think the worse thing is,that he trys to act so nice when other people are around-then other people think I've made it all up. I know what happened to me !-I have decided now not to sit passively by and let him continue to take anymore of my self worth away,and to do something about this once and for all.And determined this man will never ever get or come back into my home or life.
I have got affirmations stuck in writing pads and read my Couarge to Change every morning as soon as I get up,and that helps too

All wishes to everyone

jOSE2

Have been thinking about not going to face-to-face meetings,due to exAH turning up looking for me,then recieving a letter from him following week saying he would like to talk things through with,I then read a very profound mail on this site-("things that make you laugh or cry")someone wrote normies wouldnt listen to their ExA,that they must want them back'after all they are in Al-anon cos they dont have a drunk in their life(so hence they must want them back).I hadnt thought of that one,has anyone else? ,Because the letter he sent me,"wanting to talk and make amends" I dont want this man anywhere near me now or in the future-I sent his letter back to his daughters and to let him know that I have moved on with my life and he do like-wise with his. I was just scared witless-him turning up and the letter,but never thought that he is that delusional that my going to Al-anon is anything other than to go for my recovery not his.
Input would be appreciated-

enid

After reading some of the members posts about being verbally abused by their alcoholic...I realize I have been on the outside looking in...you guys are so right...what would I miss about any of it, if I got rid of him, or left? I am alone anyway now....I feel like a stranger who is not allowed in...or isn't good enough to speak to. I constantly walk on eggshells, afraid to upset Mr. Manic-Borderline Violent. I'm the controlling female, as are all females...the destruction of the family...the evil one...all women are evil he says. He lives a lie, and so do I. Last night we went to dinner with our good friend who has been in recovery for many years, and he doesn't know that my husband is drinking again. I haven't said anything....I live the lie, for fear of our friend cutting him off again as before. Then I would pay for it. It would be my fault again...as was this second relapse. I was told I was the reason he started drinking again, but wouldn't explain why. This morning I asked my alcoholic where he was going with the car...(he had clearly been drinking)...and he said I was controlling, and always asked too many questions. So I told him that it wouldn't be too long before he wouldn't have to hear the sound of my voice again. So he immediately started ranting that I was picking a fight on Christmas day...and okay then...he wouldn't go and get a bottle. Then the phone rang, and I went to the bedroom to answer it...and he immediately left for the bar, and brought a bottle home to drink...and told me he loved me and was happy with our relationship...HAHA! I couldn't help laughing right out loud. I plan to transfer to another apartment in our complex in January..because that is the only way I will get be able to get away from him. He is bi-polar, and has these manic episodes, where he will turn the tv up really loud early in the morning, when he knows I have to go to work. Then he will drink about a fifth of booze, and get sick the next day. (He doesn't work..just gets social security disability). I think about after we separate..how will he get his medications from the pharmacy without a car...my car that he continuously drives after drinking. I called the police one time after he took my car keys to drive it, while intoxicated, and I really paid for that one! He sneaks off pretending he has to get groceries, and goes to the bar, while I'm sleeping. I wish he would die of a heart attack sometimes...I really hate him, and feel so awful for staying with him for so long...because he is such a tormented pathetic soul....and so am I to some degree. I know he goes into a lot of "married and cheating" websites, and he disgusts me with his lies, and denials. He can't afford to pay for a decent apartment near me, so I know once he leaves, I won't see him again. I will file for divorce next month. He really doesn't think we will be separating...he has already forgotten about it...until I remind him a couple of weeks prior to "THE BIG DAY" ...then I will be treated like "THE DESTROYER OF MANKIND"...the typical selfish female who is the destruction of the family, and "GEE, ...BUT I NEED A CAR...SO I CAN STILL GO TO THE BAR AFTER GOLF"...."BUT OH YEAH...IT'S HER CAR...EVEN THOUGH I HELPED PAY FOR IT " (Not true, of course). I don't want to live the lies anymore...and I just want to be able to get up out of bed, and find my car still in the parking spot, and the tv off , and my dog waiting for me to take him for a walk...and enjoy being alone, because I want to be, and listening to the quiet.

KuanYin

I just read this whole thread from start to finish. I came to this site because I have an AS, addicted to opiates. But what I recognized in reading all of this is, this is exactly the family life I grew up in that's described on here. The verbal abuser was my father, and the whole family was on edge, us kids always had to be quiet, he verbally abused our mother and she just took it. We never knew what to expect when he'd come home. To this day I don't know if he was/is an alcoholic because if he was drinking, he hid it. That would have been from around late 1960's through probably the 80's or 90's, and growing up in the Bible Belt, with a Baptist background, drinking alcohol would have been taboo. There was something from each post I read that I recognized from our life growing up. The walking on eggshells, never allowed any friends over, and I mean NEVER, never allowed to visit anybody, had to take the phone off the hook when he went to bed so it wouldn't ring and wake him (God Forbid!!!). It's like we lived in a constant state of panic. Panic that something was going to set him off because something always did....it was just a mattter of when. The thing with dinner, same thing. We were just little bitty kids and I so clearly remember our mother saying how she wished he would just die. I remember her saying if she knew of a way to kill him, of a poison or something and knew she wouldn't get caught, that she'd kill him. So (and my God, this is hard to admit) nearly every night, me and my brother and sister would say our prayers, and we would pray that our daddy would be killed in a car wreck on his way home. Is that sick, or what??? As I got older, into my teens, it got worse. And I couldn't understand why my mother would not leave him. I mean she's wishing him dead, she says she hates him, she witnesses her children in a living hell on earth, and yet she allows it to continue. As a result, my mother who would never stand up to our dad, instead verbally and emotionally abused me. Me, the firstborn female, got the brunt of her rage.

So fast-forward 40+ years. My first husband was not an alcoholic or substance abuser, but guess what? Yep, slowly but surely, the verbal and emotional abuse started. But our two sons were very young when we divorced, and I'm certain neither of them ever witnessed his behavior. Now my 26 year old son is an addict, and verbally and emotionally abuses me. Rather he did until about 6 weeks ago when I found this site and set boundaries. I have another son who is kind, responsible, self-sufficient, motivated, mature, and who has never verbally or emotionally abused me and is not an addict. I wonder if there's a gene for "abusive behavior" like there is for addiction and alcoholism???

blwninthewind

THIS is what scares me. What if after 20 yrs of living w/ an active A...he is in recovery...and then does super well, no slips or anything then 10 yrs later...he reverts to his old A ways?

We are having such a hard time with recovery already and I keep hearing about more and more alcoholics in recovery with MANY years of sobriety falling...and going back out.

I am so scared that we will get through this, rebuild our relationship...and then many yrs down the road we have to start all over...I just don't think I can do it.
Once is hard enough...I won't do it again.

Carol Star

It's like being "pecked to death".....by those "quackers."

tehmazzyland

Thank you for the OP, and this thread.

Today of all days I needed a reminder. Can't tell you how much it means to read what I knew was the truth, and have the nagging doubts that it's all in my head quieted a little more. Even though like everyone I ever knew has told me it was happening before now, I defended the abuser - for years and years - telling everyone else they didn't understand. Yes, they did. And now I do too.

End.

thislonelygirl

I can relate. Phone was broken ah to be nice ran out and bought a new phone for me then
later screamed about buying me the phone.
I cant recall if it were here or somewhere else but I read how I woman went through the same thing and her words struck me she said her boyfriend/ah whatever bought her something everyone said omgsh how nice of him to do that and he said to that she doesnt have to pay for anything I love her.
The womans thought " no....I pay for it...just not woth money"

How sad for us that we pay not with money or items but with our self confidence and value .
I dont think that makes you bad....I think it makes you....us crazy and confused.
Its a sickness we are in....love you one minute aghhh I did this that and hate you the next.
I too cant take it im about to cut my losses and move on.
I have been called every name in the book, threatened, and put down.
He knocks my worth down and I remind myself of the truth
That I am not what he says I am. I am what he wants me to be ......he is the sick...cruel....saddistic person he wishes I were so no one can see what hes doing

Anita1234

Praying for you Grace. My husband's verbal and emotional abuse started before we were married. It intensified about a year into our marriage. I moved out a month before our 2 year anniversary after a major blow out and his refusal to quit smoking pot. I made excuses after each time he name called, curse me out, yelled, threatened, ignored me all night, etc. I struggle with wanting to go back every day. I think about the good times we had. But 1 episode of abuse is 1 too many. It seems that this behavior only intensifies unless the abuser gets serious treatment. Praying that you stay strong.

suncatcher

Mine liked to shake his head and say under his breath "you're f#!king looped" meaning I was crazy just because I asked him if he was going to the bar. He hates when I ask him and I'm not even mad or care that he goes. But he gets defensive and acts like he never goes there even though I know he goes every day. But I'm not supposed to know that or make any mention of it otherwise I'm "looped". Lol

PinkCloudsCharley

Mine is the same way, Suncatcher. I'm not allowed to mention the fact that he is going downstairs to drink. I always understood it that he's truly angry at himself for it, only placing the blame on me because it's easier to blame me than it is for him to admit he's drinking again.

He tells me I judge and blame him, but when I don't say a word and he still feels that way, I think it's more him judging him than me doing it.

suncatcher

Sovery lost, I think you are right. Mine once said it made him feel like sh*t when I asked him if he was at the bar. Though that was never my intention I think he feels that way about himself. I think that is the root of the verbal mental and physical abuse. They are filled with such self doubt and self hatred they take it out on those who love them most. Still no excuse but it does come from their own insecurities I think.

EnglishHusband

This really a difficult subject but reading your posts I think I am begging to understand that the verbal abuse from my drunk wife is either:
a) her way of controlling me (she would never say such things sober)
or
b) her way of dealing with her self loathing (try to deflect it toward me)

I have practiced 'detachment' and am now quite good at it ....most of the time. I have learnt that if I don't walk away when I see that she is drunk, then she will find a reason (any reason will do) to get angry and get us arguing. It is her way of communication. Well, I now see it's abuse, plain and simple.

But I still live with it. On the very rare occasions her drunken abuse is seen by others; at family gathering for example, some ask 'how to you (I) put up with that?' But then, they have not had to increase their pain barrier to the heights I have had to.

POAndrea

Yes, this. Especially now that he is sober, my AH has been very good at playing nice in front of others. Only rarely did he slip up, and I think the deciding factor in my finally leaving the home last weekend was a friend's response to a recent outburst. She was almost in tears and physically shaking, and couldn't understand why I wasn't as upset as she. It was because I was used to the nastiness (and to be honest, it really wasn't one of his better performances) and could no longer see just how horrible his statements were.

One lagniappe I have noticed from this desensitization of sorts is that I truly appreciate kindness from others now, where before I may have overlooked and undervalued it. (Kinda like a day of sunshine after a week of rain.) I hope I never lose this joy and gratitude.

OpheliaKatz

All of this happened to me, except I did not have kids. I have pets and the pets had to be quiet. So familiar.