Am I falling for this crap?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Baltimore,MD
Posts: 150
I recently had thoughts of who I'd be or how I'd be different if none of this horrible crap had ever happened to me. I think I may have been more open and not so afraid of relationships. I think that's how I ended up picking my AH. I knew he would be emotionally unavailable and that probably suited me just fine.
My teen years were so insane and turbulant. They were so full of drama and heartache that I coped by shutting down and not allowing myself to let anyone in.
Over time, I have become extremely closed off to people. I honestly at this point in my life, when it would really help me the most, have no friends that I feel I can confide in. I pushed everyone out of my life except for my children. Of course I don't confide these feelings in them because it's not for them to know these things. That is why I come here. I have no where else to go.
I've had people tell me to my face that they thought I was a snob or too aloof. They have no idea but what else do they have to go on?
The only people that I am truly close to are my children. I hug them, kiss them and enjoy every moment with them everyday. When I see them, my eyes light up, my heart pounds and I can't wait to take them in my arms and tell them how much I love them....because I, like you know how it feels to not feel special or secure. My kids will NEVER question my love for them...never.
I hope and pray that someday, I'll find the person who I can truly be myself with who won't pray on my compassion and who I will finally be able to really trust with all of me.
Until then, my armour fits well and I have no clue when I'll be able to take it off and feel free.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
Let's not forget, thse were different times. Children had no rights. One household turned its head to what was going on int he house next door. men and womens roles were traditional. there was no abortion, no oral birth control, there was no welfare until the sixties, there were no agencies to help. If you came from blue collar, you would be blue collar. We didn't air our dirty laundry. The lives of our mothers was very different than ours. If you got pregnant, you had the baby. If you were not married, you had a baby in shame. The social moral codes dictated every choice they made. If you made your bed, you layed in it.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
I make myself say, "I'm fifty". Ouch. Anyway, in my lifetime, pantyhose were invented, Microwaves, the internet, colored TVs, cell phones, the welfare system, lots of things. Abortion was made legal when I was a junior in high school. Girls were allowed to wear slacks in school. Before that girls had to wear dresses and the hem line had to be no higher than your fingertips, if you were gay, you lived in a closet or got shot or spent your life in therapy. I have lived through civil rights but I do remember a time when if you were black you would ride in the back of the bus. Your parents could beat you or sexually abuse you and it was kept hush hush. We minded our own buisness. As different as it was it will be that differnet in 50 more years.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: my room in ct.
Posts: 58,110
laurie IMO ... LST, 50 whatever days not useing is a gnat on the planet... as mentioned, it took a lot of work to see what i was, to myself, and more so others... the time factor is differant for everyone, i believe it is based on how far down the rabbit hole one likes to go alice to take a good look back... as for him... its his recovery... you work on your recovery from all his BS... the key for me was time...
as far as the blackouts... i had them everyday at the end of my career... so for me to say i had a blackout after two hours of not useing would be more BS... this crap was in my system 24/7
all good wishes to you LST
xxoo, RZ
We alkies are CONS. We can sell refrigerators to eskimos and we make great Used Car Sales Personal, lol. And don't kid yourself, we can be great cons in sobriety to. It takes lots and lots of personal work for us to change ourselves.
as far as the blackouts... i had them everyday at the end of my career... so for me to say i had a blackout after two hours of not useing would be more BS... this crap was in my system 24/7
all good wishes to you LST
xxoo, RZ
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
How does a nondrinker know about blackouts? It's not like I can look at my husband and say, Oops! he's slipped into his blackout stage. There are truths I want to know, why not take advantage of blackouts to ask those questions, he won't remember that I even asked right? I'm only half kidding. Is a black out like some kind of funtional amnesia? I KNOW my husband doesn't remember the ends of most of his days. I can't identify when drunk turns into black out.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Baltimore,MD
Posts: 150
Well, I just saw him. I had to take my son into town to drop him off to AH for a visit but as I drove away, I got about 10 blocks and my phone rang. AH called and said my son did not want to stay with him( he was working at a fair) and could I come back and get him. OF COUSE I could! So I turned around and drove back to the fair and picked up my son. AH was standing outside my drivers side window explaining that my son didn't know anyone there and wanted to come back home with me. That was fine with me!
I couldn't even look him in the eye. I just didn't want to.
As I started to drive away, I looked at him finally and he looks like he's lost about 30lbs...no alcohol does that I guess.
He was up to 250lbs right before I threw him out. He looks much less now.
Oh well...no nerves, no heart in my thoat...I feel good...and free.
I couldn't even look him in the eye. I just didn't want to.
As I started to drive away, I looked at him finally and he looks like he's lost about 30lbs...no alcohol does that I guess.
He was up to 250lbs right before I threw him out. He looks much less now.
Oh well...no nerves, no heart in my thoat...I feel good...and free.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
Answer to mellowcup (sorry for highjacking LST)
We, looking at the A will never know if and when they are in a blackout, that is why it is hard to believe. Drunk, sober, A or non A will never know when or if someone is in a blackout.
Only if we have had them and by accident we find out do we really understand. BTDT.
If I am sitting on a bar stool. go into a blackout, talk up a storm, go to bathroom, maybe dance. Then I come out of it ,still on the same bar stool, same day etc. we never know. Since we don't know and someone says, "You said, you told me, etc, we really do think you are pulling our leg cause we were drunk or they were drunk, and never think of it again. Just bar room banter.
If at home, and told something then we think they are crazy.
I caught on as I was dancing with J , the next thing I knew the driver said, "here ya are home girl" For some reason I thought how can this be a second ago I was dancing.??
I pondered that a bit, as it would have taken a few min to get out of the bar we were in, get in the car with my friends, drive home was at least 20 min, I could not bring up one memory of J thanking me for the dance. did I dance with others, drink another drink?? what?? was it closing time or did we just deceide to leave??
Nothing nasty came to mind, so forgot it for then,
At AA, A speaker told of sitting on a bar stool in his home town, that was the last he remembered untill he came out of it and was at his daughters door a 2 day drive from the bar. He drove. No dents in car. He must have got gas.
Frightened him, so on the way back he stopped at the gas stations that he had receipts and asked, "was I in here do you remember me?? Yes, I remember you. was I OK?? Yes, you were fine. (Years ago when they pumped gas for everyone)
Some have discovered they had a blackout inside a blackout.
Others have never had a black out, but the fog can make us not remember.
That happens to us all ,sometimes our mind is elsewhere when someone is talking.
OK, thats my 2 cents on blackouts.
This doesn't say what we will or won't do wrong . Just what I know.
We, looking at the A will never know if and when they are in a blackout, that is why it is hard to believe. Drunk, sober, A or non A will never know when or if someone is in a blackout.
Only if we have had them and by accident we find out do we really understand. BTDT.
If I am sitting on a bar stool. go into a blackout, talk up a storm, go to bathroom, maybe dance. Then I come out of it ,still on the same bar stool, same day etc. we never know. Since we don't know and someone says, "You said, you told me, etc, we really do think you are pulling our leg cause we were drunk or they were drunk, and never think of it again. Just bar room banter.
If at home, and told something then we think they are crazy.
I caught on as I was dancing with J , the next thing I knew the driver said, "here ya are home girl" For some reason I thought how can this be a second ago I was dancing.??
I pondered that a bit, as it would have taken a few min to get out of the bar we were in, get in the car with my friends, drive home was at least 20 min, I could not bring up one memory of J thanking me for the dance. did I dance with others, drink another drink?? what?? was it closing time or did we just deceide to leave??
Nothing nasty came to mind, so forgot it for then,
At AA, A speaker told of sitting on a bar stool in his home town, that was the last he remembered untill he came out of it and was at his daughters door a 2 day drive from the bar. He drove. No dents in car. He must have got gas.
Frightened him, so on the way back he stopped at the gas stations that he had receipts and asked, "was I in here do you remember me?? Yes, I remember you. was I OK?? Yes, you were fine. (Years ago when they pumped gas for everyone)
Some have discovered they had a blackout inside a blackout.
Others have never had a black out, but the fog can make us not remember.
That happens to us all ,sometimes our mind is elsewhere when someone is talking.
OK, thats my 2 cents on blackouts.
This doesn't say what we will or won't do wrong . Just what I know.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
LST, I am happy for you feeling Good and Free. Hang on to that.
Do not dwell on what I wrote about blackouts.
I put myself in that danger by drinking, so I feel he did too. Very sad.
My thought is, freedom will be best.
Also it takes a long time in recovery to know who and what we are.
Always the threat of relapse.
It will hurt, you will grieve, but if you stay away, stay strong.
I feel we can perhaps understand things, but I sometimes cannot forgive, or forget. Forgiveness is for my health, but it takes time.
Sometimes I go to the shrink and say, "I know all the answers, I just can't do it"
I am very good at distracting myself, so I don't dwell on it, but it is there.
I also write my graditude list. It is a very long list.
Stay strong ! ((Hugs))
Do not dwell on what I wrote about blackouts.
I put myself in that danger by drinking, so I feel he did too. Very sad.
My thought is, freedom will be best.
Also it takes a long time in recovery to know who and what we are.
Always the threat of relapse.
It will hurt, you will grieve, but if you stay away, stay strong.
I feel we can perhaps understand things, but I sometimes cannot forgive, or forget. Forgiveness is for my health, but it takes time.
Sometimes I go to the shrink and say, "I know all the answers, I just can't do it"
I am very good at distracting myself, so I don't dwell on it, but it is there.
I also write my graditude list. It is a very long list.
Stay strong ! ((Hugs))
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
Her life was more painful than it had to be because of the choices she made or didn't make. She was miserable 90% of the time. She found her "happiness" in her B/F but never with in herself.
In fact, I started a thread about this very subject when I realized that my life was a reflection of the choices I've made. Perhaps I'll find it and repost it again.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Minneapolis MN
Posts: 96
FormerDoormat, please do!
I sent you a PM the other day also.
giz
I sent you a PM the other day also.
giz
Originally Posted by FormerDoormat
Very insightful, Blizzard. How many--if not all--of us codies here have made our lives more painful than they had to be because of the choices we made? And how many of us attempted to find happiness in our partners instead of within ourselves.
In fact, I started a thread about this very subject when I realized that my life was a reflection of the choices I've made. Perhaps I'll find it and repost it again.
In fact, I started a thread about this very subject when I realized that my life was a reflection of the choices I've made. Perhaps I'll find it and repost it again.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: my room in ct.
Posts: 58,110
FD ... yea, in my case i felt i needed the booze/drugs to be able to have enough balls to find a mate... then got the mate, then it wasn't enough... i was loyal, just dove into even more booze and drugs... result... Divorce! ... in recovery, i have turned to look'n for the real me... i did the work... found me, found a life.. and as now i have found a mate i can share the real me with... its me first, then all the rest follows....
as for the blackouts... hmmm, i dont remember... lol! ... j/k ... its a great question. as i acted in my blackout state... i remember some of the BS, and have to say... forgot more... people would say... do you know what you said or did... NFW i said... yep, what a imbecil i was... it was like a big fogy movie... dark... scary too... i always knew my bursting point. i would say, your at your limit pat... nope, it was always more... and then the blackouts... truth serum? ... dont realy know... i told so many lies... they were the truths for me... i now know different...
good wishes to you all ... xxoo, Zip
And how many of us attempted to find happiness in our partners instead of within ourselves.
as for the blackouts... hmmm, i dont remember... lol! ... j/k ... its a great question. as i acted in my blackout state... i remember some of the BS, and have to say... forgot more... people would say... do you know what you said or did... NFW i said... yep, what a imbecil i was... it was like a big fogy movie... dark... scary too... i always knew my bursting point. i would say, your at your limit pat... nope, it was always more... and then the blackouts... truth serum? ... dont realy know... i told so many lies... they were the truths for me... i now know different...
good wishes to you all ... xxoo, Zip
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
