elizabeth1979

You are not going to like what I am about to say, as a warning.

So are you as demonstrated below.


Next.

Your husband molested your daughter right?
In a "blackout".

You are in counseling with him why?
You are not pressing charges why?

If you like the drama, the abuse, the insanity, and the lies...then keep up what you are doing, its a good plan for nothing to change.
He will be angry and manipulative and you will be angry and manipulative.

LongStrangeTrip

Perhaps before you sit back and judge people, you should do a little history research on the whole issue..esspecially one as serious as this one.

I'm not going to sit back and retype the WHOLE story for you and if you chose not to go read everything then why bother giving you 2 cents?

You are so out of touch with my situation it's rediculous.

You are right. I am becoming manipulative but I admit it.

elizabeth1979

Well, I'm happy to see you got some agression out...seems long overdue if you ask me. I would be directing it towards the man who molested my child, but hey..different strokes.

Let me break this down.

Children who are abused and live in dysfunctional homes have issues later in their adult life. Add to that sexual molestation and the troubles are compounded. Its well documented.

You have a MPO on your ex stating he cant be around your home, correct?

You are attending therapy with the man who moleted your daughter because he wants to come home and "get his family back", correct?

Are you serious? Why would you even be entertaining the idea of subjecting your child to more abuse?

What you subject yourself to is your business, but parents have an obligation to protect and take care of thier childrens safety.

LongStrangeTrip

You are so off on all of this that the ONLY reason I am going to reply is so that hopefully others who read this and actually have taken the time not to cherry pick out what suits their agenda, will understand it all. As far as my aggression..you don't even KNOW ME and what I go through day to day so go look in a mirror for a while.

We are in counselling because WE have a 10 year old son who worships his father and is very depressed and going through hell right now. WE are also in counselling to learn to be civil in order to finish raising OUR son...NOT for him to try and get his family back. Unfortunately, that is what HE wants, NOT what I WANT.

I think you have a problem and you need to back up off of me. You don't know me and have no right to judge what I've done. You do NOT have a clue.

It is people like you, who bounce into a topic and begin spreading false statements and putting words in peoples mouths and making your own assumptions about them, who turn perfectly decent, caring people away from places like this.

Go stick that accusing finger where it won't hurt anyone but you.

denny57

I've learned to ignore those I don't agree with. It's been a part of my recovery. No one person will ever make me leave this site. If I ever leave, it will be my choice and I will not blame anyone outside of myself for it.

If it helps, there is an "ignore" feature, which I think is a splendid option for those we don't want to see posts from. I've been tempted to use it several times, but in the end, realize I always learn something from each post, even if it's something that triggers my anger.

I also am learning in recovery that this types of statements are meant to control and manipulate others into my way of thinking.

Best of luck with everything.

Kywoman

It is well documented. But there is also documentation of those who have overcome all of these things and have had homes that functioned in what society may deem as normal.

LongStrangeTrip

Ky...I wanted to address this and thank you for sharing something so personal.

This is the big mystery in all of this.He has raised my daughter since she was 5 years old. Never...EVER during all of those years has he ever laid a a hand on either of the children...be it spanking or otherwise. She told me he had never said or done anything remotely inappropriate to her, prior to a few weeks before this happened.

TRUST me..I asked her when this inappropriate talk first started and if at any time in her whole life he had ever done anything like this. I believed that things like this just didn't happen out of the blue.
He has no history of anything like this. He has never touched or otherwise even made advances towards any female underage either in our family or otherwise.
He has always though been a womanizer, especially when drunk.

She said that for a few weeks, he had been saying things to her about her breasts and making comments to her about seeing them. I asked her why she did not tell me the very first time he had said something like this to her because that would have been reason enough to toss him out. She said that he said it in a joking manner and she didn't feel threatened by it but rather thought he was teasing her.

I explained firmly to her...which I have done many times since she started to develop...this type of talk or "joking" is NOT funny, esspecially when it comes from an adult man and even more so a family member, as we all know, family members are unfortunately the first one's who will do this if they have the capability of it.

I also agree that the alcohol addiction and a sex addiction are not one in the same. They are two separate addictions but how do they treat them? Do they try to treat them separately? I am certain though that due to the many, many years of heavy drinking, the two crossed paths as they did of course when he had the one big affair that I am aware of 5 years ago. He was drunk pretty much throughout the whole thing...it started in a bar.

Do I think he is a sexual predator or a pedophile? Absolutely not. She is 17 but she looks 22. There is nothing about her that says "little girl". Do I think he is sick and has a sex addiction? YES. Absolutely.
Am I willing to take the chance that he could ever do this again...NO WAY.

I'm no psychiatrist but I think his motivations were several things; Ego, control, sex addiction and alcoholism to give him the guts to cross the line.
All of which are like a cocktail of disaster. Which of course is what it turned out to be. He may have been in a black out, I don't know but she told me that when she said to him, "If you don't get out of my room and leave me alone I am telling Mommy!" that he left her alone. Apparently he had sense enough about him to leave her alone and go pass out.

The second I found out about this, I threw him out, got a restraining order for 6 months and he has not set one foot in my house since the day I threw him out. Since he is in treatment, the court ordered that he is allowed visitaion of his son and until I can afford the legal separation, I have to deal with him one to one about times and days and what not.

The point I guess I've been trying to make all along that has been misunderstood to put it mildly...probably my own fault for not expresing it properly is that my anger is first because he hurt my daughter and broke her heart. How do you go from one day being a father figure and the next, some drunken idiot who is asking you to take off your swim suit top and let him see your breasts and laughing about it and joking about it and pulling at the strings of your top to try to get it off of you. It is all still just so unbelievable to me. I KNOW it happened but when the universe cracked...what caused it????

Second, I am angry because NOW, now that he has destroyed our family and torn it in half...he is FINALLY sober. He is in treatment, counseling, AA, you name it!!! Now that he is cleaning himself up and getting his act together...I DON'T CARE ANYMORE.

The cruel and final irony...my son wants to live with HIM...not me. My son resents me. He doesn't understand why I can't forgive his father. He doesn't understand why his sister can't forgive and try to go to counseling with his father to fix that guant crack in the universe. He's only 10 years old.

Every day and I mean EVERY DAY I climb a mountain and pray that by bed time, I'll reach the summit.
Guess what...I almost never do.

Sometimes, things just don't make any sense at all and they never will. When I can accept that and deal with it, then I will be able to truly move on and find that serenity.

LongStrangeTrip

I also wanted to answer this as well. Kywoman, you are correct. With counseling and change of environment, people who have been through situations of abuse and dysfunction of many kinds are able to go on and lead healthy, productive lives. I believe it is those who do not get help and who are forced to suppress childhood traumas who end up acting out or having problems in their adult lives. These are the poor souls who often end up in the abuse cycle.

Kywoman

Thank you for taking the time to give me a clearer picture of that situation. ((Long))

I am so sorry that your son doesn't understand. It cannot be easy. I cannot imagine. However, I do believe you did the right thing by saying/showing this is not acceptable and I will protect my daughter.

You can bet that you and your children will be in my prayers.

BohemiMamaof3

I had read your older posts LongStrangeTrip, and I knew that you weren't about to keep your DD in that situation, or excuse it, etc. But I think you just needed the "wake up" about his manipulating. I think you are right on track - just realize the scheming he's doing. I do agree with the pp's suggestion not to play those games back with him, and definitely don't read those upsetting e-mails! Delete them.

mallowcup

He is the perpetrator for whatever reason he has. He's getting alot of your "head time". Your dauther told and you acted. Very important. You believed her and protected her. She has seen her mom respond to this kind of treatment and this will leave an impression about what is acceptable. Now, what about you? What a mix of emotions. You did the right thing. Feel good about it. I came to the same place and not caring feels a whole lot better than hurting. He just set you free with his stupid behavior. You can move forward feeling stong and assertive. When I was approached as a teenager by two fo my Uncles, no one did a thing. They told me not to make a big stink about it.
"They were drunk" . I had to sit across from the one fat jerk every Thanksgiving. I'd praise my daughter for telling. I'm sorry you are going throught the motions when your world has been so rocked.

blizzard77

I think you are a wonderful mother that is doing everything she can to protect her children. You did not choose the man over your children like so many mothers, including mine did. You're children are lucky to have you as their mother.

LongStrangeTrip

Baring the soul here folks...

When I was a young teenager, I had a brother who was a drug addict. This was back in the mid-late 70's and he was doing everything from PCP to acid.
One night, he flipped out and went berzerk. During the entire time he was doing all of these drugs, he was stealing from us younger kids and my parents, family members and what not.

Well, he was incarcerated and during that time was diagbnosed as a paranoid schizophrenic. After he "dried out" from all of the drugs, he was put on medication and sent HOME. My parents allowed him to live in the house with my other brother and I.

Of course, he stopped taking his meds and in a short time, he was acting out every insane, bizarre schizophrenic behavior in the books. He began exposing himself to me all the time, esspecially when my parents weren't home. I began to spend less and less time at home because my parents seemed paralyzed by the whole thing. I had to spend my high school years with a padlock on my bedroom door to keep him out. I would wake up in the middle of the night with him standing over me. His naked body and erection practically in my face.
My parents did not believe me. My older sisters didn't even help me until he started doing in front of THEIR kids.
I lived in terror until I turned 18 and graduated and until the neighbors called the cops on him and had him arrested for exposing himself and peeping in their windows.

Now...did I have a choice but to protect my daughter?
NO WAY. Not even a second thought. She would NEVER have to suffer the things that I did. No one should have to. Was it out of fear that someday she would hate me if I didn't? That she'd run away if I said, "Now you know he would NEVER do anything to hurt you. He was drunk! He didn't mean it!"
Nope. Because I know from experience that nomatter what happened to me, I still loved my parents and didn't hate them for being ignorant to how awful my life was.

Now, my mother is 83 years old and I have her with me. I take care of her, bath her, change her diapers and feed her.

Nomatter what our parents allow us to go through or suffer, it's funny how we all learn to forgive and imagine they did the best they could with what they had.

I am still soul searching. I am so angry that now that he is working the program and sober, that as someone else here said, it proves to me that he could have done this all along but it took hurting his step daughter who he loved and raised from 5 years old and destrying our family and our marriage before he finally thought life was worth it.

I can't stop myself from being a compassionate person, even for people like him who make BIG mistakes. I can't help feeling compassion for my daughter, who did nothing to deserve this except be home alone with my Mom when he decided to act on his drunken sick thoughts. I can't help but feel compassion for my son who loves his mom and dad and his siter but who desperately wants his family back, as imperfect as it was. He's just a boy and is suffering and torn.

I also can't help but feel compassion for myself. I lost my husband who with all his warts and faults was once the love and light of my life. I lost my best friend and lover...at least when he was able to make sense and not be a tyrant. I can't sit and say that our entire world was terrible because it wasn't. We shared some lovely beautiful times as a family. Vacations, family gatherings, holidays...not all of them were horrible or ruined. Many of them were wonderful and joyous.
But it's all gone. I am alone but I am OK. I am surviving and living day to day, finding my way with my self worth and my dignity in tact.
My daughter feels empowered and is in counseling. She is doing so much better in just a short period of time. The counselor says it's because she feels safe and knows that nothing like this will ever happen again as long as I am around.

Everything really does happen for a reason.
I am looking at the top of the mountain and I KNOW one night, I'll get there.

DesertEyes

Wow LST, awesome strength you have there. Thank you so much for sharing your pain and your hopes. I think your anger is a part of the healing process, I had my own anger when my wife of 20yrs chose pills and married men instead of our marriage.

I know you'll get to the top of your mountain, but I want you to know that you are not alone. You've got all of us here and all the people in real life meetings all over the world who are ready and willing to walk beside you in this "path of recovery".

Thank you again for your awesome share.

Mike

FormerDoormat

Bravo, LST. Bravo!

blizzard77

One of the hardest things for me is to forgive my mother for things that I was exposed to that I shouldn't have been at a early age. For example my 17yr old brother sexually abused me when I was seven (right around the time my dad died). I never told mom until I was 20 yrs old. She didn't believe me. She died when I was 23 of breast cancer. I took care of her until the end making sure her wishes were carried out. I'm proud of how well I handled the situation at 23 yrs old given the fact that my much older brothers were selfish and insisted she do this or that or try this chemo or that one. Or this surgery or that one etc. etc. She suffered, she was tired. She fought a good fight but she was ready and I made sure her wishes were followed despite what my brother's agenda's were.
That being said, a year before her death she told me " When I'm sick and dying, it's not you who will be here for me, it's D ( her B/F of 9 yrs)." She was always telling me what a burden I was to her and how she couldn't wait until I was out of the house so she could LIVE her life. Her B/F was not there. Did not take care of her, infact he stayed away completely, especially as she became sicker and was sent home to die. I'll never know why she thought and said that I, her only daughter would not be there for her and with her until the end. I know that if she knew better she would have done better, but I'm in therapy still working on forgiving her and it's difficult and feels almost selfish on my part not to be able to forgive a woman who suffered in death 13yrs ago. She gave me a good life, I had nice things, went to private catholic schools...but she wasn't able to give me the one thing I needed and wanted the most, unconditional love and acceptance.
Maybe it's because she married and lived with a verbally abusive A for 17yrs until is early untimely death. Maybe her childhood wasn't that great (never talked about that with me). I find myself becoming her in some ways especially with AH since he's quit drinking. I tend to be distant, cold, angry and say things that do not show or tell him that I accept and love him unconditionally. I loved my mom but I don't want to become her. Her life was more painful than it had to be because of the choices she made or didn't make. She was miserable 90% of the time. She found her "happiness" in her B/F but never with in herself. I have to break that cycle. I'm determined to break the cycle for me and for her, because she's not here and don't have the opportunity anymore. Just some soul-searching, I've been doing. Thanks for the post and again I have to say: you're a wonderful mother to your children and they are so lucky to have you as thier mother and protector.

blizzard77

I just want to clarify to you that I shared my story because I find it so admirable that you have chosen the happiness, mental health and well being of your children, espeicaly your daughter's over that of your AH.
I never knew such devotion from a parent child stand-point. Probably why I went on to marry an A. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your kids.

giz

Blizzard77. This sounds so much like my mother. I was the oldest daughter and my father's "favorite". It seems my mother always resented this, even after she divorced him and we moved away. She always "disliked" me and couldn't wait "until I was gone". At the time, I was no older than 10.

Thanks for sharing.
giz

LongStrangeTrip

You know what? After reading your story, I believe your mother suffered a great deal while she was alive. Not only was she unable mentally and emotionally to be strong for you, she couldn't even help herself so how could she help you? Do you see what I mean?

I've been fighting this fight with him for almost 5 years of our 12 year marriage. But a few years ago I found this place and Alanon and found the strength to stand up for myself which gave me the strength to stand up for my kids. If we can't love ourselves and feel empowered, how can we protect the ones we love?
I was able for those years to keep peace in my home and through my quiet indifference while he was drinking, at least my children were sparerd the big loud fights and battles that some people have when they are in a relationship and battle with their alcoholic. I didn't battle. I didn't yell and kick and scream...that is I didn't up until a few months ago I started to feel myself about to do it again and I did. I just didn't do it while he was drunk. I'd do it over the after effects...his missing work the next day, sleeping a lot, not helping out around the house and so forth. Then, one day I said..."OUR days are numbered."

I sometimes throughout this wonder if this episode with my daughter during the blackout happened out of his fear and anger over my threats as if somewhere in his mind, deep down he thought what would hurt me more than anything. Hurt the kids.

blizzard77

I do see what you mean? My dad, the little I remember about him was a verbally abusive alcoholic to my mom and physically abusive to my brothers. I remember her begging him while he was hitting/beating my brother's to stop. I remember hearing them yelling while I was up in bed. I remember her crying alot. However, he adored me the only girl and the baby to boot. I learned how to "control" very early on. He'd come home drunk late at night, either yelling at her or pulling my brothers out of their beds to beat them for whatever and all I had to do was come down stairs and he'd see me and stop. He place all of his attention on me thus the fighting/beating would stop. Since I was seven when he died, I imagine I started doing this at age three or four. My heart bleeds for my mom sometimes because I think had she lived longer our relationship may have changed and she may have had the chance to have some peace and serenity in her life. On the other hand theres this other part of me (I guess the child in me) that still is sad and hurt that she was unable to show me love and acceptance. She was able to do this with my youngest brother who is 6yrs older than me, but just not with me. Obviously, my questions will go unanswered. I strive for forgivness and compassion for her because I really think it's key to my recovery. It's only been the past year or so that I've let myself deal with these feelings and I now know why. They are very powerful feelings of saddness that I pushed out of awareness. It's only in struggling to save my marriage after AH has been sober for 9 months that I've had to face my part in all of the insanity and in doing that I had to go back and figure out where/why I picked up these maladapative behaviors that aren't working for me anymore, now that's he's not drinking. It continues to be an emotionally draining process but it's something I can't go around. I have to get through it and hope that it will be better on the other side. I guess that's what we're all trying to do...get better mentally and emotionally!!!