brdlvr

Been awhile since I've posted on this board. Been spending most of my time on AA/alcoholism board as I need to heal that part of me too.

My xbf is still in jail. I did not follow the rules about no contact. He's been in for about 4 months and I've taken his calls when I want to (more then I planned). That has been the extent of our "relationship"
Talks of his mistakes, how he is in jail, how I'm doing on my path to sobriety etc.

There is good chance he will be out on Thursday. I'm stressing big time over this. Due to the bridge he's burned he will have no place to go when he gets out. His plan is to go to a shelter the first night (if there is a bed), then to social services to get food stamps, assistance and then try to get into a long term rehab program. He has been going to AA, counseling, church etc while in jail.

I just need a reminder of where I was 4 months ago (and 3.5 years before that) and where I do not want to go to ever again. I need to know that it's not my responsibility/duty to give him any money if he's hungry, not to pick him up and drive him to his appointments, that it's not my responsibility to spend all my free time with him just because he has no place to go, that it's not my responsibility to sugar coat how I feel about him for fear that he will go back to the bottle again, it's not my responsility to make sure he continues with AA or court ordered treatment or whatever, not my responsibility to put him up in a hotel or room until he finds a place etc. And mostly - that I'm not a bad person, or a cold hearted woman if I do not do all the things in the name of "helping him" that I did in the past in order for ME not to feel guilty. All that "helping him" drained me emotionally, physically and cost me a good amount of money. I do not want him back as a bf, not now, especially not now that I'm for once really trying to work my AA program. For now, I want the status quo, a person who is there if I can be emotionally for him to talk to (sober) if he needs to talk and nothing more. Need to get a grip, I am already starting all the what if's.

Thanks for letting me share

Brdlvr

BigSis06

Just a gentle thought - consider seriously no contact at all, even though it's really hard. You will get better quicker that way. He was never there for you. Hugs,

mallowcup

What will you do when he shows up at your door or calls you with no place to stay? He will.

brdlvr

I live with my sister, it is her home, he is not allowed here - she too gave him chances in the past - so I know he won't show up here to stay. (thank goodness for that)

denny57

I did no contact, so I'm afraid that's all I can share.

Good luck.

CatsTail

I flunked the No Contact,but it actually is god as it gives us time to get stroner to deal with them if we have to.

Trying to be there as a supportive friend he'll probably still drain you.

Good luck

Ngaire

brdlvr

I know that is the best, I know I should have done that the first time we "broke up" almost 4 long years ago. I pray to my HP that I never go back to where I was before when I first came to SR. I've had such peace while he was in jail (except for my own issues of my own drinking).

Minx1969

Just a few thoughts:

How is helping (enabling him) going to help you keep sober and your recovery? YOUR sobriety comes first - not his.

If he's been going to AA - then there is always a place for him to stay. I'm sure you know that plenty of AA guys will take him in.

There's also the Salvation Army, halfway houses, 3/4 ways houses.

He's an adult - he needs to do the ground work..not you.

You can decide how much peace you continue to have by how much contact you have.

brdlvr

Thanks all. I have no intention of helping in all the ways I mentioned in my post. That was all the things I did in the past when he was homeless or kicked out of rehab or out of jail on previous occassions. I just need to keep my guilt in check in not get sucked in in feeling sorry for him - it is the choices he made that has gotten where he is today. I do hope he makes it (on his own)