StandingStrong

Have any of you noticed that what you have learned in your recovery has been showing itself in your everyday life?

What I once thought I was learning in order to change my reactions, thoughts, and life concerning AH - I have come to see that I use in my everyday life. This is something that I have noticed for quite some time now, but was recently reminded of again. It was during my evaluation at work that my manager was saying certain things and I had to smile. It was my recovery showing. At one point she commented about my tardies and asked if there was a problem I was experiencing that she could help with. I said something simple along the lines of "I'm not going to sit here and make excuses. Life happens sometimes and I'm late. Whether it be I overslept, the kids weren't moving quickly, or whatever. It's just life." She laughed and said, "You are so laid back" She then went on to say how some people really react to what she has to say on their evaluations and how I just sit and listen. And that if I respond, it's always after she is done talking.
For me, I find that an example of recovery. I didn't get upset, nor did I find that I felt the need to over react, defend myself feeling attacked, or anything like that. I simply took what she said, processed it, spoke my thoughts and moved on.
While the evaluation could have been better, it could have been worse. There were alot of good points in the evaluation though and alot of them, I feel that I have gained through working through my recovery. It was nice to see it there on paper, that others see what I have been striving to reach.

I have learned so much since I began searching to improve myself and my life. I have learned that my recovery isn't just about myself concerning AH, it is about ME and MY life in all aspects.

Janitw

No not yet but I'm working on it. I hope one day to be where you are. I still feel that I have to defend myself in so many ways. Sometimes I feel like the only thing the kids learned from my XAH was how to manipulate me. This I have got to change....and I will. Thanks.

Janit

mallowcup

His excuses became my excuses, especially at work. It was impossible to impress my bosses or maintain the work eithic I wanted. I'm someone who arrives early, not late. My ex didn't want me to work. Then when the drinking and cocaine got expensive, it was OK for me to work. It's hard to get to work on time when he had the car sitting in the parking lot of a bar room. He'd complain if I wasn't bringing in enough to support his habits but he didn't do a thing to make sure I got there on time. It spiraled. He wanted me to work more and make more but he intentionally made sure I couldn't get there, He didn't watch the kids, but expected me to pay a sitter. We had beer but no milk most of the time. I worked full time and had to scrounge for money for milk. To this day, I keep a half gallon always. This may sound crazy but too many times I went to the fridge to get the kids milk and there was none. That was really my first tiny step toward recovery in my daily life. This meant nothing to anyone but me. I made a decision about the importance of milk.

deax

Thanks for a topic that is so timely and relevant for me right now.

Yeah, I'ved noticed it oozing into the rest of my life too. I had a really interesting weekend, what with choosing to break the no-contact I've been TRYING to uphold with Rich, and also with my family situation. Both instances turned out to be proof to me that I'm on the right path and a nudge to keep on truckin' and not rest easy.

With Rich, I handled the situation in a way that kept me on my path but allowed me to go with my gut and calmly speak my piece. YeahI broke the NC following his birthday fallout, but I got to say my piece so I didn't have to hurt and reject him anymore than he is, he's had enough rejection in his life, and I think my message did us both more good than not.

Now for my family. I've been working really really hard to put a bit of distance between my mom, grandmother and myself. I've been remaining out of touch with my brother and my mom's best friend (Rich's sister-in-law) because I feel they both really disrespected me and no one went to bat for me. And I've been having a relationship with my dad as defined by ME, without anyone's approval. In response to me finally standing up for myself and not being joined at the hip to mom and gram, mom's been ostracizing me from family things, gram's been crying and "depressed" about how the "family is falling apart..." which is implicitly blamed on me. They're very uncomfortable with me breaking out of my role in the family that is SO unhealthy for me, and yet so comfortable for them.

I had decided from therapy I would be nice to them, but never again try to explain myself or justify my actions. Not about Rich, not about his SIL (who I bumped into in the supermarket, said hello and walked away, and my mom still gave ME attitude!), my brother, my dad, and how unfairly and callously I feel I was treated by them in general. But yet, due to my guilt, I tried to spend some time with them this weekend.

Sunday was Mass for Padre Pio, an Italian saint who's a big deal in my neighborhood. We went to mass and then walked around the neighborhood with the Pio statue. All was nice. Then I agreed to go food shopping and have dinner and watch Desperate Housewives with my grandmother. With all that down time, her "depression" and anger and hatred for therapists and hatred for Rich and disappointment in me for not kssing my brother's ass and for talking to my dad- etc etc etc- had time to spill over until....she kept saying things to get me to talk and hinting at things and mentioning Rich's name until- yes, I found myself upset and arguing and trying to justify and defend myself. I fed right into it.

I made some peace and left quickly- feeling disappointed in myself for failing in my recovery and my new approach to my family. But I learned some things: Mass and the march was enough-- 7 hours of my family is overkill.

And it taught me that I am DEFINITELY on the right path because I felt better and more peaceful, if still a little guilty, during the detachment from them, and they were more respectful of me since all the hot topics were being avoided entirely. I was learning to depend on ME to feel good about myself, not on them since I can never win or do anything right for them. But when I sought that validation yesterday, everything felt ugly and overwhelming again. And it happened so fast.

So in 2 situations this week my peace was disrupted and I felt like I moved backwards. But I learned something from both situations.

With Rich, I thought I screwed up, but I feel like trusting my intuition helped me feel more at peace and yet still kept my distance and showed him a different side of me.

And with my family, I learned I need to keep my boundaries intact and that I am definitely on the right road for myself, because I feel better and healthier when I don't get in the ring with them.

Both situations would have destroyed me a few months ago, but today I can process them and keep moving forward. That's why I thank God for giving me Rich; what I am learning from him is improving my life overall.

pmaslan

Perfect SS.....
Yes I too can relate to what you have said about recovery spilling
over into all areas of my life.
A couple weeks ago the owner of my company sent me a very
inflamatory email. I was quite insulted by it and it's delivery.
That was on a Friday afternoon.
I waited until Monday morning to reply. I wanted time to think about
it and respond accordingly. In the past I would have replied immediately
and been at the unemployment office that Monday.
She questioned why I took 3 days to respond. I simply told her I needed
time to consider what she said. I think that too is recovery in action.
Thanks for you post.

Pick-a-name

Yes; I've noticed it helping me in all areas of my life. I keep my mouth shut more, I'm not as quick to "help", I "let go and let God" many times I would have started worrying,anticipating,etc...now I say to myself :I'll worry about it later if it ever happens.....and usually it turns out better than I could have planned.

I'm praying a lot more and trusting more....I am looking for the good more. You know what? Things are getting a bit easier,too!
Thanks to all of you for helping me !

denny57

same here. the more i do it, the easier it gets, too. i'm learning the world doesn't fall apart if denny isn't there to keep it spinning. yay!