What A Difference A Year Makes
 

Tomorrow my son goes to court.

Exactly one year ago he went to court and I went with him, bailed him out (mistake) conditional on him going to a treatment program, which he did for 21 days, and he has been using most of the rest of the year, with only short periods of sobriety.

This time last year, I was a basket case. I recall how full of anxiety I was, scared, sad, angry and exhausted. Even though I was working a program, I thought that he would learn his lesson, get clean and live happily ever after. Didn't happen.

This time I am not going. He came for dinner tonight, to wash his clothes, shave and clean up for court. He has been clean for 5 days. Tomorrow is just to set a date for his trial (for shoplifting about $30 worth of stuff he could sell), but he breached his probation by quitting his most recent program and very well may have to wait in jail for his trial. He is on 3 waiting lists for new programs, but I don't know if this is for him or to avoid jail.

We talked about it, and he is okay with accepting whatever happens. I told him I was okay with it too and would say a prayer for him for wherever this part of the journey takes him.
I gave him a hug, 2 bus tickets and a pack of cigarettes.

And I am fine. I am so fine that I hve to really look at myself and feel proud and grateful for what this program has taught me this past year.

I learned to let go. To stop enabling and to let him pay the consequences for his actions.

I learned that I cannot give him money or anything he can sell for money.

I learned that all the love I could ever give him isn't enough to make him stop. And I learned that he knows I love him, even when I don't give him anything or bail him out. That is a gift.

I learned to talk to him like a human being, not an addict. I learned to treat him like I would treat any other family member or friend, including not putting up with any disrespect.

I learned that I can be compassionate and kind without enabling.

I learned that God looks after him and will show him the way, and that He is with me every moment of the day.

And I learned to laugh again, with my friends here, and to vent, cry, share, hug and pray with each one of you. And I learned to be grateful that each one of you were here anytime I just needed a friend, or even a whack with the skillet (God Bless you JT).

It is almost one year to the day that I came to these boards, and I came purely by accident (or Act of God), I don't even remember how I got here. I just know that the first person I ran into was Smoke and I knew that I was home.

So I am here tonight, not scared, worried or angry, but grateful for all that you have taught me, and grateful to Jon and Bob who keep these boards going no matter what.

And I am grateful for having the nicest people I never met right here and in my heart every single day.

Hugs to each one of you and thank you for just being wonderful.
I love you all, with all my heart.

Happy Postiversary Ann.

Whatever power brought you here has brought a beautiful beacon of recovery to the rest of us as well. Your growth and insight are inspiring. Congratulations on everything you have achieved. Your son is lucky, as we are, to have you.

Big Postiversary Hugs and lots of love and admiration,
Smoke

And hugs to you Smoke, for being my mentor and my friend. I am so grateful for all the times you have made me laugh, and made me think, and made me work my program.

I truly believe that God puts us in each others paths for a reason. And I am grateful that he put me in your path.

Hi Anns
 

Ok guys... as if I don't have enough reasons to cry already!!! I am so happy to hear of the amazing progress you have made in the past year Anns - it truly is an inspiration to the rest of "us". I am actually shocked to hear that this recovery for you is a fairly NEW thing, as your posts are always so full of wisdom and experience - I guess that means you have really "got it".
Isn't amazing what these boards and these wonderful people can do for us??! I find so much solice and encouragement when I come here...
Anyhow, congrats to you, and keep taking care of yourself,
Meg

Hugs Meg

I have been working a program for about 5 years. I'm just a slow learner I guess. The 4 years before I came here, I built a foundation and learned to work the steps and learned about codependency, enabling, detaching, boundaries and all that other good stuff. I went to a meeting once a week, and worked with a wonderful she-devil sponsor who has a heart of gold.

But this past year, I have learned how to "live" my program. All the things that seemed like hard work and confused me became clear and simple.

Like most things in my life, I did the easy stuff first, and that was a good start, but it is when I was willing to dig deeper, to face truth, to know myself and to do what I knew was "right" even when it was hard, it was then that I became free and happy.
And I didn't do it alone. My Higher Power was right beside me all the way, and today I feel His presence no matter how bad things get.

I continue my promise to newcomers, that if you work a program the best you can (it's about progress not perfection), and if you stick with it when the going gets tough, that your days will become beautiful once again. And you're worth it!!!!

Ann,

That was a wonderful list. Thank you for all the laughter. :skiptrip:

I felt like a kid again hopping around the boards with you.

I think we've grown up some cause we don't get into trouble as much as we used to, but I think we still have a few tricks in our bags. (Yes I did mean the ones under our eyes)

I look forward to sharing much more laughter with you and much fewer tears.

Hugs,
MG

******{MG}}}}

We haven't grown up, we've just got better at not getting caught LOL.

How many many nights have we lurked together here? No wonder we have bags under our eyes. And you are 3 hours earlier than me, so my bags are even worse.

My recovery has been made easier by all the laughs we have had, mostly at ourselves (but not entirely LOL). We have grown with the boards and all the people on them. We have shared tears too, but the laughter just made them better. I think the funniest night I remember is when Barbiedeb and I were trying to tell you how to pick the lock to your office when you got locked out. Barbiedeb was posting pictures to see what kind of lock it was and I was my usual hopeless self just cheering you on.

Thanks for all the great nights MG, and for being here the bad ones. I love you like a sister.

(((Anns))))
 

I am so happy for your milestone! I, like Meg, would have thought you have been coming here forever! Your wisdom astounds me. Truly shows you are "plugged into" the Source of all Wisdom.

A year really can make a huge difference! A year ago I was this wimp of a person, who took whatever abuse was dished my way, and lived with it because I thought that's just the way it was. The Lord has taken me so far in a year! I'm sure many of you think I have so far to go, and I do, but you would have been shocked to see me a year ago. I am so thankful that the Lord helped me to find this board! I wish I would have known about it a year ago, I'd be ever-so-much further along in my recovery.

You guys really tell it like it is, and sometimes it's painful to hear the truth as it sounds coming back from you that have been in recovery longer (I'm still smarting from the "kick in the pants" I got last week from Morning Glory--well deserved--and I still owe you a thanks for that, MG--don't worry, a replay of that kind of situation WILL NOT happen again in my house!)

You guys are great! And Congratulations, Ann!

Hugs,Lyn

Anns,
I have found such strength in your posts. Please stay strong. You have helped me greatly. Since finding this site I have become stronger. I actually spoke to my husband last night about what I am doing to help myself (never before would I have done that).

You are doing the right thing.

My thoughts and prayers are with both you and your son.

NoDoubt

(((anns)))
your sharing in these rooms,your wisdom in the program and
in your life experiences has been such an encouragement !
sometimes just listening to your reply's has helped me
where I am.
a yr ago i was quite an emotional mess myself.i found omni chat
which was an alanon chat, my craziness shined through as i
was continually urged to seek out a meeting f2f which i finally did
last may. what a blessing its has been ! I am finding a new
way of life so much happier and freer than before. still have
moments of fear but now with my HP , this room and you guys,
and meetings all bring me back again and again.
thanks anns for being you and being here for all of us !

love
liddy

Ann - you were one of the people in the chat room the first time I went there (may have been the same night as you first went) and I have never forgotten that night. I'd just found out that my A had a problem with crack and I was feeling so lost and scared. You talked to me that night and helped me feel so much better. Your posts have helped me so much, and knowing our A's share the same name made me feel a little closer to you in some way.

Anyway, Ann, I don't know what we'd do around here without your love. And I'm sending mine to you today to say thank you, thank you, thank you, for all the smiles that you've brought to my face, even through tears, for your advice which is always right on, and for your sense of humour which is so very much needed sometimes. Ann - you're an angel to me - thank you.

Much love and hugs to you, dear Ann.

Anns,

We arrived here at the same time give or a take a week along with a few other troublemakers...MG and Debbie come to mind....and Smoke was waiting for us. I bet she never knew what hit her.

I found a twin in you...same age, same hubby, (you know what I mean) same backwards baseball cap and same program. We have both had alot of laughs and gotten into our fair share of trouble...bandwidth blues and errant PM's :fright: late night dance parties complete with pretzil dancers....

You were healthy when you arrived Ann but today you are filled with the grace that this program promises. We are very alike but also different...you of the angel wings and bunny slippers and me with the skillet and the smart mouth but we have become true friends.

Love ya!
JT

And superhugs to you JT. We have shared such a similar life that sometimes I think we would post the same story and just fill in the blanks with your son or mine, or Ward or my husband. I remember when we first connected that I felt right off the bat like I had known you for years. We are twins separated at birth, and I love you like a sister too.

Poor Smoke - what must she have thought when we all hit at the same time. :rolleyes: .

As an update, I haven't heard a word from my son, so my guess is that he is being fitted for the orange jumpsuit. I have said a few prayers today, and am just letting God look after him. It is almost eerie that I feel at peace today, and it isn't that "numb" feeling, but I just feel that everything is exactly the way it is supposed to be right now.

Margot, Liddy, No Doubt and Lyn...you have no idea how much your support has meant to me and how much you make me feel that we are all family here. Love and hugs to each of you.

Dear Ann -

You and your son have been in my thoughts today. You have helped so many this past year and I can only hope to have the wisdom and peace someday that you share here so freely.

Faith conquers fear - what a concept. Thank you Ann.

God bless,

deedee

Thanks and hugs Deedee

Faith does conquer fear. And it feels a lot better too.

My son called, and he has to go back tomorrow. He took letters showing them that he was actively seeking a program, and they are going to work with him tomorrow to try to find one. His next appearance is April 11th and they want to see some positive action before then, or he has been told he will go back to jail.

This works for me LOL. I don't have to do anything except to keep praying thatGod will show him the way. It sure beats a year ago when I bailed him out, thus making myself responsible for him. No thanks!! No more!! And he has done all of this on his own...got a lawyer, got his paperwork together, kept himself clean at least for almost a week and holding. See how he grows when I get out of God's way?

God Bless you too Deedee. You give me strength and support and your friendship is a gift.

Yes, you've learned. And you taught, too. So very much. I am grateful you are in my life, Anns. You found us while I was visiting hell again. Just visiting, thank god. And when I got back, there you were. A wonderful, compasionate addition to our neighborhood, our community, our family. Thanks for being you...

****{Jon}}}

It was when you were in hell that you first inspired me. I knew your pain without knowing you well, because I have seen that same pain in my son. And the fact that you committed yourself to fight back gave me faith that miracles happen.

I have often thanked you for these boards and all you do, but on a more personal level, you have given me hope, faith and strength, just by your example and kind words. You taught me to never give up and to always believe in miracles. Thank you for bringing your miracle to me and sharing it.

Well, I have to jump in here too. I haven't cried like this since i saw this movie called "Finding Forester" uh....what a great movie.

We are so very lucky. i feel truly blessed to have found this website and the very special people I have met.

Ann, you are truly one of the most genuinely good people I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. Your heart is filled with compassion and I feel fortunate to have you as my friend.

I am praying for your son. It takes longer for some of us than for others, that's all.