do you think you have to work the steps?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Bronx, NY
Posts: 412
do you think you have to work the steps?
I've just been thinking some stuff lately.
I had taken a few weeks away from Al Anon because I normally went on Friday nights, but then I started going to this meditation workshop in Queens on Fridays that is on the theme of Acceptance and Letting Go, my biggest problem. There's another Al Anon meeting on Monday nights, but one Monday night I went out with my friend and the other time I just was tired that night.
On Saturday I went out with my friends to have a good time, we went to a bar to see this Bruce Springsteen cover band, I was determined to have a good time. And I did. And I've been thinking about balancing my social life with all this recovery stuff, because I think it's great to sit in meetings and work through things here and pray and meditate, but going out will help me put all that I'm learning into practice: the way I interact with men, noting red flags, learning to trust and like myself more, etc. So I figured, so what if I skipped a few meetings, I'm doing better.
Then this past Sunday I had a really bad day, just out of nowhere, even though I've been feeling so much better and stronger than I did 2 months ago. I felt so bad that I even considered calling Rich to see how he was, if he was going to need surgery, etc. But I journaled, took a nap and went to church, and just let it pass.
After Sunday's meltdown, I told myself I was definitely going to Monday's meeting. It was a Step 9 meeting, making amends to others. So I had things to say on that topic, but after all that I said that I'm not actually working the steps, and I don't have a sponsor. But I said going to meetings helped me just to talk and hear everyone else, so was working the steps really necessary? The 3 ladies who have the most experience just looked at each other and smirked. So I jokingly said, "Oh yeah, you're not supposed to tell me that, right?" and everyone laughed. Then after the meeting one woman said, "I think you already did the first 3, which are basically 'I can't- He can- So let Him." So I get what they were trying to tell me, but I dunno if I really need to because:
1. I know I'm making progress without doing things "officially." I'm surviving without knowing what Rich is doing and there was a time I NEVER thought that was possible
2. I have my friends who are smart and give great advice to talk to on the phone when I get weak, and I have my therapist and here. So why do I need a sponsor who's basically a stranger and who I'd therefore feel kinda awkward calling during my meltdown modes?
3. This one woman said to me on Monday, "When you have a day like you had on Sunday, you need to call one of us." But no one every gave me their numbers. I didn't say that to her- but when I first went into those meetings, I was a hysterical mess, and only one woman gave me her number, and I caled her once in the beginning. But I was miserable and people would come up to me and try and talk to me after the meetings ended but I never asked for numbers and tried to get out of there quickly. So I guess I feel like no one would want to be my sponsor anyway since no one bothered to give me their numbers. Some people have books with like 20 numbers in them. Did they ask for them?
4. Another reason I feel awkward getting a sponsor is because I never lived with the alcoholic, and because Rich protected me from the things he was doing so that I never even saw him drunk or high, I feel like they don't take me as seriously. No one EVER said or did anything to make me feel this way, but I always have this paranoia that people are like, God come back when you have some real problems. This one is probably just my own neurosis.
So I guess I was just wondering, if I'm doing so much other stuff for myself in addition to Al Anon and am feeling better overall, do you guys think I still need to officially work the steps and get a sponsor? What has your experience been in Al Anon and 'working it'? I'm not opposed to it if it's necessary, I just was wondering if some people don't absolutely need to. Does that make sense? Thanks.
I had taken a few weeks away from Al Anon because I normally went on Friday nights, but then I started going to this meditation workshop in Queens on Fridays that is on the theme of Acceptance and Letting Go, my biggest problem. There's another Al Anon meeting on Monday nights, but one Monday night I went out with my friend and the other time I just was tired that night.
On Saturday I went out with my friends to have a good time, we went to a bar to see this Bruce Springsteen cover band, I was determined to have a good time. And I did. And I've been thinking about balancing my social life with all this recovery stuff, because I think it's great to sit in meetings and work through things here and pray and meditate, but going out will help me put all that I'm learning into practice: the way I interact with men, noting red flags, learning to trust and like myself more, etc. So I figured, so what if I skipped a few meetings, I'm doing better.
Then this past Sunday I had a really bad day, just out of nowhere, even though I've been feeling so much better and stronger than I did 2 months ago. I felt so bad that I even considered calling Rich to see how he was, if he was going to need surgery, etc. But I journaled, took a nap and went to church, and just let it pass.
After Sunday's meltdown, I told myself I was definitely going to Monday's meeting. It was a Step 9 meeting, making amends to others. So I had things to say on that topic, but after all that I said that I'm not actually working the steps, and I don't have a sponsor. But I said going to meetings helped me just to talk and hear everyone else, so was working the steps really necessary? The 3 ladies who have the most experience just looked at each other and smirked. So I jokingly said, "Oh yeah, you're not supposed to tell me that, right?" and everyone laughed. Then after the meeting one woman said, "I think you already did the first 3, which are basically 'I can't- He can- So let Him." So I get what they were trying to tell me, but I dunno if I really need to because:
1. I know I'm making progress without doing things "officially." I'm surviving without knowing what Rich is doing and there was a time I NEVER thought that was possible
2. I have my friends who are smart and give great advice to talk to on the phone when I get weak, and I have my therapist and here. So why do I need a sponsor who's basically a stranger and who I'd therefore feel kinda awkward calling during my meltdown modes?
3. This one woman said to me on Monday, "When you have a day like you had on Sunday, you need to call one of us." But no one every gave me their numbers. I didn't say that to her- but when I first went into those meetings, I was a hysterical mess, and only one woman gave me her number, and I caled her once in the beginning. But I was miserable and people would come up to me and try and talk to me after the meetings ended but I never asked for numbers and tried to get out of there quickly. So I guess I feel like no one would want to be my sponsor anyway since no one bothered to give me their numbers. Some people have books with like 20 numbers in them. Did they ask for them?
4. Another reason I feel awkward getting a sponsor is because I never lived with the alcoholic, and because Rich protected me from the things he was doing so that I never even saw him drunk or high, I feel like they don't take me as seriously. No one EVER said or did anything to make me feel this way, but I always have this paranoia that people are like, God come back when you have some real problems. This one is probably just my own neurosis.
So I guess I was just wondering, if I'm doing so much other stuff for myself in addition to Al Anon and am feeling better overall, do you guys think I still need to officially work the steps and get a sponsor? What has your experience been in Al Anon and 'working it'? I'm not opposed to it if it's necessary, I just was wondering if some people don't absolutely need to. Does that make sense? Thanks.
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
((((deax)))))
In my group, no one would give you something you didn't ask for... well, mostly we wouldn't.
You might consider ASKING during your time to share if those interested in being sponsors would talk to you after the meeting. What I looked for in a sponsor was longterm recovery, someone who had worked the steps and someone who had a sponsor themselves.... and it was helpful to look for someone in my situation (double winner/mom of addicts); I got one (double winner), but not the other.
The second thing I did was - pray to have sponsor enter my life. Simple, but effective.
The next thing I did was I went to LOTS of meetings... I called it "sponsor stalking"...grin. And was very open about it.
The steps are helping me learn about me... which has almost nothing to do with the qualifier that got me into program. I am learning about why I am drawn to alcoholics.... and I still am, by the way. The steps help me see my character... defects as well as attributes. Some of which I have in common with other Anons.
Where my kids are in their addiction has little to do anymore (some, but not a lot) of where I am in my program. The program for me, is one of introspection.
You certainly don't "have" to work steps... I just find it a logical next step.
((((hugs))))
In my group, no one would give you something you didn't ask for... well, mostly we wouldn't.
You might consider ASKING during your time to share if those interested in being sponsors would talk to you after the meeting. What I looked for in a sponsor was longterm recovery, someone who had worked the steps and someone who had a sponsor themselves.... and it was helpful to look for someone in my situation (double winner/mom of addicts); I got one (double winner), but not the other.
The second thing I did was - pray to have sponsor enter my life. Simple, but effective.
The next thing I did was I went to LOTS of meetings... I called it "sponsor stalking"...grin. And was very open about it.
The steps are helping me learn about me... which has almost nothing to do with the qualifier that got me into program. I am learning about why I am drawn to alcoholics.... and I still am, by the way. The steps help me see my character... defects as well as attributes. Some of which I have in common with other Anons.
Where my kids are in their addiction has little to do anymore (some, but not a lot) of where I am in my program. The program for me, is one of introspection.
You certainly don't "have" to work steps... I just find it a logical next step.
((((hugs))))
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hey there deax, those are wonderful questions.
The person that got me in trouble with my ex-wife's addiction is _me_. It' _my_ emotions and _my_ thoughts that got me into a mess with her addiction. When I "work the steps" I am doing so because I want to keep _my_ life happy, joyous and free.
I go to meets on a regular basis because I hear how _other_ people find solutions to the problems in their lives. My life still has problems, and by listening to them I can find solutions for _me_. My life will _always_ have problems, that's just the way life is. By going to meetings I am maintaining my serenity, my awareness of my strengths and weaknesses, and I am able to keep my own foolishness from making my problems worse. "Working the steps" gives me a structure and series of simple guidelines to follow as I deal with life and all it's "stuff".
Today, and for the next few weeks, I know I can handle life and all it's challenges. I also know that if I don't remember the lessons I have learned in the program I will slowly forget them, and slowly return to my old ways of reacting. I don't _ever_ want to get myself in that kind of mess again, so I work my recovery a little bit each day just like I brush my teeth every day. Not cuz it hurts, but because I know it _will_ hurt if I don't.
I asked people for their phone numbers at every meeting. Then I started at the top of the list of numbers and called every single person. Some of them were obnoxious and I scratched them off. The rest were very kind and I asked them to explain how they worked the program in their lives. The people I liked the most I asked out for lunch. I made several good friends that way. The one person I liked the most I asked to be my sponsor. He's become one of my best friends. When I have a meltdown he's the _first_ person I want to call, because he listens quietly and let's me know that he understands.
I have found a balance in my life. I have a few meetings I go to every week. I have a few very close friends I go out with on the weekends. I see my sponsor once a week and we mostly just shoot the breeze and relax. What I have done is mixed a little bit of everything in my life. I don't have a life in _addition_ to working a program, I have a life that _includes_ working a program.
Mike
The person that got me in trouble with my ex-wife's addiction is _me_. It' _my_ emotions and _my_ thoughts that got me into a mess with her addiction. When I "work the steps" I am doing so because I want to keep _my_ life happy, joyous and free.
I go to meets on a regular basis because I hear how _other_ people find solutions to the problems in their lives. My life still has problems, and by listening to them I can find solutions for _me_. My life will _always_ have problems, that's just the way life is. By going to meetings I am maintaining my serenity, my awareness of my strengths and weaknesses, and I am able to keep my own foolishness from making my problems worse. "Working the steps" gives me a structure and series of simple guidelines to follow as I deal with life and all it's "stuff".
Today, and for the next few weeks, I know I can handle life and all it's challenges. I also know that if I don't remember the lessons I have learned in the program I will slowly forget them, and slowly return to my old ways of reacting. I don't _ever_ want to get myself in that kind of mess again, so I work my recovery a little bit each day just like I brush my teeth every day. Not cuz it hurts, but because I know it _will_ hurt if I don't.
I asked people for their phone numbers at every meeting. Then I started at the top of the list of numbers and called every single person. Some of them were obnoxious and I scratched them off. The rest were very kind and I asked them to explain how they worked the program in their lives. The people I liked the most I asked out for lunch. I made several good friends that way. The one person I liked the most I asked to be my sponsor. He's become one of my best friends. When I have a meltdown he's the _first_ person I want to call, because he listens quietly and let's me know that he understands.
I have found a balance in my life. I have a few meetings I go to every week. I have a few very close friends I go out with on the weekends. I see my sponsor once a week and we mostly just shoot the breeze and relax. What I have done is mixed a little bit of everything in my life. I don't have a life in _addition_ to working a program, I have a life that _includes_ working a program.
Mike
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
I'm not big on shoulds. Part of my recovery has been trusting myself to do what is right for me. Work the steps, or not. You seem to have recognized a bad day when it came along. Now you can choose how to deal with those days. Calling someone from program or hooking up for a coffee can do wonders. Or look in your book and find a meeting and just pop in.
My experience has been that working the program means being proactive. I waited for people to offer me their numbers, but slowly realized I was responsbile for asking for them. It may seem like something small, but there is a huge lesson in that.
I also live a life that includes working the steps, not the other way around.
Good luck, deax, you've come a long way since you started posting.
My experience has been that working the program means being proactive. I waited for people to offer me their numbers, but slowly realized I was responsbile for asking for them. It may seem like something small, but there is a huge lesson in that.
I also live a life that includes working the steps, not the other way around.
Good luck, deax, you've come a long way since you started posting.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Bronx, NY
Posts: 412
Originally Posted by Pick-a-name
Thanks, deax, for asking these questions and to the rest of you for your answers. This is a big help to me; in fact I have been thinking and praying about this lately. "Ask, and ye shall find..."
Thanks all. Wow, you've been helpful because I realize I really have looked at 'recovery' as something I had to find a way to build the rest of my life around, which is backwards....and I keep forgetting that it's ok for me to attend Al Anon even when I'm not in crisis mode about Rich, for other things in my life. Sometimes I get annoyed at these people in meetings when they talk endlessly about the most mundane BS- some silly situation at work, their dog. And then there are some people who seem to go just because they're looking for a place to fit in, lost souls or something.... I know it sounds terrible but I get annoyed especially on a day when I think I have "real" problems. But it's ok for everyone to be at different stages, some days I can be one of those people who talks about comparatively unimportant things.... And it's a lesson for me in how judgmental I can be, too. And I guess I do need to be more proactive about things like getting numbers, when the time comes.
As always, you gus give me a lot to think about. (hugs)
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Hey there.... Well Im kinda a rebell... I dont always do things or surrender easily and I HATE being told what to do .... Its part of my being controled ism.... SO when I entered Al-anon it was kicking and screeming and not with alot of willingness.
What is true for me is that I do beleive there has to be balance in my life.... its not all about Al-anon and recovery. Though I do take Al-anon and recovery into all other parts of my life. I go at least once a week to my home group ... when things are going well this meeting is the foundation that keeps me grounded. When its not going so good and Im living the chaos I up the meetings or functions... because I want to be around healthy people that will tell me like it is.
My sponsor is also someone that keeps me grounded.... regardless of what the issue is I can take it to her and get to the bottom of what the issue is. She is not someone that will sugar coat it and is quick to point out the holes... but she is also just as quick to point out when Im taking the other persons issue. I work the steps with her because she really does understant...Also I dont fear that she will repeat anything Im sharing. My "normal" friends though important to me really dont understand the depth of the disease and I really dont trust that they will not share with others my thoughts.... of course for my best interest.
The steps .... I keep working them (not always liking it) because for me its like excersing (dont like that either) For my physical health I take action everyday.... workout, watch my diet, take my meds etc... why cuz I want to look the best I can and if I dont pay attention then I will gain weight, get lazy etc and in the end I wont be as happy. The steps are the same thing for my mind.... I have a VERY different perspective of things because of my experiences.... Im not always able to seperate what is my ism or what is anothers issue, I dont always clearly see the whole picture and easly get into the self blame game.... I tend to react rather then stand back and make a decison to Act.... ect.
SO working the steps keeps me focused and gives me a "step" to help keep me on track... The longer Im in Al-anon the Healthier my perception but without working the steps I can so easily fall back into my "known" unhealthy thought process. I figure it took me all my life to get my thinking messed up, so I dont expect it to be fixed without working at it probably for the majority of the life left...
How do they put it..... My best thinking got me to where I was before reaching out for help... So Im working on trusting my suport group to keep me from ever going back there again. Life is too short to live like that.
What is true for me is that I do beleive there has to be balance in my life.... its not all about Al-anon and recovery. Though I do take Al-anon and recovery into all other parts of my life. I go at least once a week to my home group ... when things are going well this meeting is the foundation that keeps me grounded. When its not going so good and Im living the chaos I up the meetings or functions... because I want to be around healthy people that will tell me like it is.
My sponsor is also someone that keeps me grounded.... regardless of what the issue is I can take it to her and get to the bottom of what the issue is. She is not someone that will sugar coat it and is quick to point out the holes... but she is also just as quick to point out when Im taking the other persons issue. I work the steps with her because she really does understant...Also I dont fear that she will repeat anything Im sharing. My "normal" friends though important to me really dont understand the depth of the disease and I really dont trust that they will not share with others my thoughts.... of course for my best interest.
The steps .... I keep working them (not always liking it) because for me its like excersing (dont like that either) For my physical health I take action everyday.... workout, watch my diet, take my meds etc... why cuz I want to look the best I can and if I dont pay attention then I will gain weight, get lazy etc and in the end I wont be as happy. The steps are the same thing for my mind.... I have a VERY different perspective of things because of my experiences.... Im not always able to seperate what is my ism or what is anothers issue, I dont always clearly see the whole picture and easly get into the self blame game.... I tend to react rather then stand back and make a decison to Act.... ect.
SO working the steps keeps me focused and gives me a "step" to help keep me on track... The longer Im in Al-anon the Healthier my perception but without working the steps I can so easily fall back into my "known" unhealthy thought process. I figure it took me all my life to get my thinking messed up, so I dont expect it to be fixed without working at it probably for the majority of the life left...
How do they put it..... My best thinking got me to where I was before reaching out for help... So Im working on trusting my suport group to keep me from ever going back there again. Life is too short to live like that.
Last edited by Cynay; 09-20-2006 at 09:54 AM.
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