Shaking my head in amazement...
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
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Shaking my head in amazement...
Have you ever heard something or witnessed something that was just so ridiculous that all you could really muster in reaction was a shake of your head?
Well, I've had moments like that - but I've had another, only this one was different.
I had spoken to AH last night (in reference to our children) when he brought up the dissolution. Now, this is always a "hot topic" which we tend to avoid. However, as true to form, after AH mentioned it, his anger started showing itself. Needless to say, this conversation didn't last too long as I no longer try to explain myself, make him understand, etc. However....before the conversation ended, he did get to tell me that "You're so F***ed up in the head" as well as some other things.
I was at work today and I was thinking about the comment that I just posted above. It's kind of funny really that in all the years that we lived together, I don't recall him ever mentioning that he thought I was "messed" up in the head. I don't recall the verbal abuse ever being to the point of name-calling either.
But here's the thing.........
I am now "messed" up in the head because I won't compromise my boundaries, my feelings, and my self-worth?
Truly, the more I have thought of this, the more funny it's actually becoming!
I have been quite clear on what I won't accept. Of course when I asked him "What part of "There is no room in my life for alcohol did you not understand?", he had no answer. When I pointed out to him that he chooses to drink and I choose to not live my life with a verbally abusive active alcoholic, he really didn't have a comment for that either other than the normal "Yep, blame it all on me" (Pity potty mode).
Here's the thing.......in the past, I would have really questioned what he said. I'd have thought about it all day and I'd have probably started believing it.
This time was different though. Yea, I might have some issues. I am far from perfect. And I may have a lot to learn. But I am not "messed" up in the head. He doesn't understand that I would have loved to have worked our marriage out but I'm not willing to accept the unacceptable and go against my boundaries and my beliefs. He doesn't understand that I can love him from afar (without meddling, saving, and rescuing) and divorce him. He doesn't get it - and I don't even try to explain it anymore.
I didn't "drive myself insane" today as I would have before. I simply thought about it and would find myself shaking my head in total amazement. I'm more healthy-minded now than I've ever been in my life!!! Guess in his book, that makes me "messed" up in the head.
Well, I've had moments like that - but I've had another, only this one was different.
I had spoken to AH last night (in reference to our children) when he brought up the dissolution. Now, this is always a "hot topic" which we tend to avoid. However, as true to form, after AH mentioned it, his anger started showing itself. Needless to say, this conversation didn't last too long as I no longer try to explain myself, make him understand, etc. However....before the conversation ended, he did get to tell me that "You're so F***ed up in the head" as well as some other things.
I was at work today and I was thinking about the comment that I just posted above. It's kind of funny really that in all the years that we lived together, I don't recall him ever mentioning that he thought I was "messed" up in the head. I don't recall the verbal abuse ever being to the point of name-calling either.
But here's the thing.........
I am now "messed" up in the head because I won't compromise my boundaries, my feelings, and my self-worth?
Truly, the more I have thought of this, the more funny it's actually becoming! I have been quite clear on what I won't accept. Of course when I asked him "What part of "There is no room in my life for alcohol did you not understand?", he had no answer. When I pointed out to him that he chooses to drink and I choose to not live my life with a verbally abusive active alcoholic, he really didn't have a comment for that either other than the normal "Yep, blame it all on me" (Pity potty mode).
Here's the thing.......in the past, I would have really questioned what he said. I'd have thought about it all day and I'd have probably started believing it.
This time was different though. Yea, I might have some issues. I am far from perfect. And I may have a lot to learn. But I am not "messed" up in the head. He doesn't understand that I would have loved to have worked our marriage out but I'm not willing to accept the unacceptable and go against my boundaries and my beliefs. He doesn't understand that I can love him from afar (without meddling, saving, and rescuing) and divorce him. He doesn't get it - and I don't even try to explain it anymore.
I didn't "drive myself insane" today as I would have before. I simply thought about it and would find myself shaking my head in total amazement. I'm more healthy-minded now than I've ever been in my life!!! Guess in his book, that makes me "messed" up in the head.
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Well YA.......
In his eyes you are messed up in the head, why on earth would you "all of a sudden" not accept the unacceptable when you always have.
A good friend here told me something the other day that I have been pondering alot. Why do I care more about what a sick person (my alcoholic or whatever) then people that I know are healthy.... If that person is sick, then there statements, answers, reactions etc are also going to be sick.
Its starting to make sense to me, but Im still pondering.
In his eyes you are messed up in the head, why on earth would you "all of a sudden" not accept the unacceptable when you always have.
A good friend here told me something the other day that I have been pondering alot. Why do I care more about what a sick person (my alcoholic or whatever) then people that I know are healthy.... If that person is sick, then there statements, answers, reactions etc are also going to be sick.
Its starting to make sense to me, but Im still pondering.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Wow, Standing, that's awesome recovery. Took me awhile to get to that point of trusting _my_ judgement about _me_. Doesn't it feel good?
Congrats on your recovery, and well done
Mike
Congrats on your recovery, and well done
Mike
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: nor cal
Posts: 113
It doesn't stop getting more amazing.
My ex just told my inlaws that I must of had a witch doctor put a whammy on him because of his streak of bad luck (reprocussions of his drinking). I work for a Native American Tribe and you know they are full of witch doctors.
Do they ever stop blaming us. I have been out of his life for almost 2 YEARS and it still must be my fault.
My ex also recently told me that I was sick and crazy because I am going forward with the divorce.
I just have to laugh......
My ex just told my inlaws that I must of had a witch doctor put a whammy on him because of his streak of bad luck (reprocussions of his drinking). I work for a Native American Tribe and you know they are full of witch doctors.
Do they ever stop blaming us. I have been out of his life for almost 2 YEARS and it still must be my fault.
My ex also recently told me that I was sick and crazy because I am going forward with the divorce.
I just have to laugh......
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
Originally Posted by Cynay
Well YA.......
In his eyes you are messed up in the head, why on earth would you "all of a sudden" not accept the unacceptable when you always have.
A good friend here told me something the other day that I have been pondering alot. Why do I care more about what a sick person (my alcoholic or whatever) then people that I know are healthy.... If that person is sick, then there statements, answers, reactions etc are also going to be sick.
Its starting to make sense to me, but Im still pondering.
In his eyes you are messed up in the head, why on earth would you "all of a sudden" not accept the unacceptable when you always have.
A good friend here told me something the other day that I have been pondering alot. Why do I care more about what a sick person (my alcoholic or whatever) then people that I know are healthy.... If that person is sick, then there statements, answers, reactions etc are also going to be sick.
Its starting to make sense to me, but Im still pondering.
I get the concept and yet it still just amazes me!
Now he's not getting his own way and I'm not compromising (aka: hurting myself), he still aims to "blame me" so he doesn't have to face "his" issues!
Where I quoted you in italic text - I understand this completely! And I believe that my post is an example of that. There was a time I would have believed what AH said and thought about me. It would have only served to have helped me in "beating myself up" which I was really good at. I was great at second-guessing myself, feeling that I wasn't good enough, and I'd take the blame for everything. Whatever AH said or implied - I believed!
Yep - I believed an alcoholic! If he said it was my fault he drank, it must have been. If he said I was making a big deal out of nothing - I must have been over reacting! The examples are endless.
Whan a sick person tells me something - I have to remember they are sick.
It's up to me if I want to be sick enough to believe them. Especially when logic tells me that it's not really true.
Always hopeful...
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Illinois
Posts: 429
SS, they did not believe we would ever change! and it makes us 'messed up'! Got a grin out of your being able to let it go....and know who you are and not what he wants you to be or think how he wants you to. I hope we can stay focused! It is so hard to not go back down that old path. YEAH! for you! I admire your progress and hope to get there.
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