kipper

I need to post today and I need to get to a meeting tonight.
As some may know, my A is not drinking. It has been 2 months! But that is where the happiness ends. He isn't recovering in any other way. Same old habits, same old patterns.
I think that all the things I questioned about our relationship before he was sober are now staring me in the face since alcohol is no longer involved. I am so scared and have been crying myself to sleep at night. I think the best thing for his recovery and mine is to leave him, but I just can't stand the thought of a future without him. I am still very in love with him. This would be so much easier if I could be ANGRY ANGRY ANGRY with him.
I guess I needed to rant but also have a question for those that have stayed with a recovering A.
How long did it take for them to value themselves again and start living life? How long do I wait for him to get his sh** together? I don't want to have any regrets. I feel that I will either be giving up too early or not soon enough.

Any words of experience are extremely appreciated

denny57

I was very much in love with AH when I decided enough was enough. Anger came much later, and I sometimes wonder if the full force of it has hit me yet. Ending an 18 year relationship was one of the hardest things I ever did, yet it was what was best for ME.

Is he very much in love with you; how does he show that?

best

The best thing for him is the best thing for you.
Work on your own recovery. The best thing for him is your recovery.

But why and how?

It works that way. Some things we just need to accept on faith.
Having been on both sides of the fence, I have seen it work from both directions.

Boundries for self, self growth, recovery in action. It does work.

prodigal

You did not mention if he's going to AA. I assume he is not. You are miserable. He is miserable. Have you thought of doing something about your side of the situation? Crying yourself to sleep every night and feeling terrible are symptoms but not constructive solutions. Does he abuse you in any way - verbally, emotionally or physically? Have you let him know that his behavior is inappropriate? If he is not treating you in a way you wish to be treated, then what is it about him you love? The memory of what he once was? The times he decides to apologize?

His underlying problems will not go away unless he's working a problem and/or in counseling. If he does not want to deal with his issues, then that's that. What you see is what you get.

I'm living with a dry drunk. He's still the same dysfunctional person he was before he went into rehab. He quit going to AA and he still lacks any ability to address personal issues, work issues, marital issues, whatever. He avoids life without the bottle just as he did with the bottle. Now he just holds everything in and then has inappropriate outbursts. That is his messed-up way of "addressing" issues. I've made it crystal clear it isn't working for me. Will he change? Nope. After five years with the man, I have not seen any change. He still blames me or his circumstances for this lousy attitude and behaviors. So it's up to me to change and/or make changes in my own life.

I think you're at that fork in the road where you have to make some decisions as to what you are going to do for yourself.

prodigal

.... there are no guarantees in this life. You cannot have you ducks in a row to the point that there won't be any regrets if you decide to leave. Having regrets is part of the grieving process and letting go. I'm not saying that there aren't folks who leave partners regret-free, but I think that's pretty rare.

Cynay

I feel for ya.....

I Hate when that happens. I thought if the drinking stopped then everything else would fall in line too... reality sucks.

Im not sure why you think you know what is best for his recovery? You dont have to make a decision today about leaving or not and if you cant stand the thought of a future without him then done. Get some recovery yourself .... get some support.... stop taking his inventory and just focus on yours.... I have seen many women in my Al-anon group that have stayed with there AH and found a way to be happy... There is nothing wrong in loving an Alcoholic, the trick is to get the knowledge and tools you need to stop crying yourself to sleep hon.

kipper

He is going to AA and did go through outpatient treatment. He seems to be trying as far as not drinking, but it appears to end there. He hasn't gottena sponser and isn't working the steps. He doesn't abuse me in any way and he never has and that also makes me feel terrible for feeling the way I do.
That is where the second guessing comes in. I feel like, am I right to feel angry and hurt and confused when he is not drinking and going to meetings?
I have told him how I feel but I know that it makes him feel like sh** and that low self worth is a huge drinking trigger for him.
UGHHHHHHH!

blizzard77

Hey Kipper,
I'm in the same situation, Ah almost 9 moths sober. Goes to AA when he feels like it I guess (I stopped asking). He works alot as he's gotten himself into some major financial troubles and I don't bail him out ANYMORE. The one positive thing happening right now is his willingness to attend counseling. We tried together but our marriage is not priority right now. Priority is my mental health and his mental health and his continued sobriety (hopefully).
But I find myself at the angry stage and then to acceptance and back to anger. From what I read and hear this is not uncommon.
What I have come to realize over the past month or so is that I'm very angry at myself for making poor choices and decisions despite the fact that the facts where right in front of my face (denial at it's best). However, I realized that I take that anger out on him in many different ways. Why should I be angry at him for the decisions I've made? I am and have always been responsible for my choices and decision good and bad. I feel like I'm stuck in cement, unable to forgive myself which is what I need to do for me at this time. So, hopefully counseling and alanon will help me get to the point where I can forgive myself. I've decided to stay for now.
PS: I still control without even knowing it until it comes out of my mouth. He owes a fine for not getting his car inspected and I asked him if he paid it and if not when he plans on paying it? None of my business but for 9yrs I've been in "control" of the finances. Bills being late cause me great anxiety. My bills are NEVER late as I strive for perfection (illusion). I know it sucks to see some-one you love not living his life but are you living your life if your worried about what he's doing? I know I don't have the time or energy to live my life when I'm so concerned about his doings. Yet it's all coming to me slowly. I get impatient with myself but progress not perfection is what I strive for these days. Hope something I said helped if not thanks for your post. It's comforting to know I'm not the only one with a sober AH and a miserable relationship.

denny57

I need to sometimes remind myself that I can't make anyone feel anything and I'm not responsible for their feelings - they are. Just as the A's words cannot hurt my feelings unless I allow them to, the same is true for him.

Hang in there.

deax

Yeah I totally understand the low self-worth dilemma. My bf had the same problem, everything was tied to his view of himself and his childhood abandonment issues, in my opinion. I've always had an attraction to the underdog,the misunderstood, always thought I could love it all away. I gave all I had to offer. Sat holding him and crying with him in front of the Christmas tree, in front of cemetery headstones, had marathon conversations in the wee hours in parked cars about his mother, all he is capable of, the life he could have, etc... Trying to get him to take a good look inside. But when things are buried that deep, all the love in the world that's coming from outside isn't always even enough convincing and doesn't make up for what's inherently missing. Well that's what I found out, anyway. And that I needed to take a good long look too-- at myself!

I made the mistake of telling my bf to get a sponsor, when to call him, what to talk about, etc. Not good and didn't work. I'll need to make amends to HIM for that eventually.

Is he (and are you) open to the idea of counseling- either for himself or for you as a couple? Now that he's not drinking, a therapist would work with him. Perhaps if he's interested he can find or you can help him find a good counselor with addictions expertise and then let him take it from there? Since you are not sure if you are wasting your time or if you should leave, therapy might also be a good way for you to figure out what you want from the relationship and what the next step might be.

best

But it does make up for what is missing. The key parts...he needs to start looking for the answers (can't force that) and we need to realize what true love is. We need to realize that there are times we need let them fall so they learn. When we do for them all the time, they don't learn.

A key point of AA...love them till they learn to love themself.
Give what is "needed" and that isn't always what feels good.

deax

Beautifully stated, best. Thank you.