Dinner and drinks?
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Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: New York
Posts: 211
Dinner and drinks?
Hi everyone,
Well, my husband and I went out for a fantastic dinner on saturday (the kids stayed granny & papa). Of course, the first thing you do at a restaurant is sit down and get presented with a wine list (this list also has specialty martinis) My husband has been trying to decrease his amount of drinking. I think he has had a few drinks since this started but he has not told me he has.
Anyway, the waitress gave us the wine list and walked away. I placed it on the table and said well "we don't need this tonight". He said "well, I would like to have one drink". In the mean time, I have really been wanting a glass of wine (I drink occasionally but lately have really wanted to have a drink). So he ordered a glass and so did I.
I feel like a heel. Here I am praying for him to stop drinking, coming to these board and started attending AlAnon.
Needless to say, he only had one glass and he made it last the entire dinner (all 4 courses - boy can we eat!!).
Having a drink with dinner (especially with a really nice dinner) is just what we do. Now, the idea of it puts a damper on the evening.
Does anyone else have this problem?
NoDoubt
Well, my husband and I went out for a fantastic dinner on saturday (the kids stayed granny & papa). Of course, the first thing you do at a restaurant is sit down and get presented with a wine list (this list also has specialty martinis) My husband has been trying to decrease his amount of drinking. I think he has had a few drinks since this started but he has not told me he has.
Anyway, the waitress gave us the wine list and walked away. I placed it on the table and said well "we don't need this tonight". He said "well, I would like to have one drink". In the mean time, I have really been wanting a glass of wine (I drink occasionally but lately have really wanted to have a drink). So he ordered a glass and so did I.
I feel like a heel. Here I am praying for him to stop drinking, coming to these board and started attending AlAnon.
Needless to say, he only had one glass and he made it last the entire dinner (all 4 courses - boy can we eat!!).
Having a drink with dinner (especially with a really nice dinner) is just what we do. Now, the idea of it puts a damper on the evening.
Does anyone else have this problem?
NoDoubt
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Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: NJ
Posts: 12
i miss that...
Hi NoDoubt,
Dinner and drinks – I miss that! But for us, it just does not work. One drink will eventually lead to more and more. My husband has problems with both narcotics and alcohol. He would use alcohol to enhance the pills, and when he did not have pills, he would drink himself blind. After he got clean from pills, we thought, great! Let’s get a drink! Celebrate! It started out very small, just dinner and drinks, but eventually, it led to him lying to me and drinking during the day while I was at work, and eventually that led him back to pills. (and seizures, and bone disease…)
Dinner and drinks was a lot of fun, and it was a big part of what we did together. For him, and his addiction, he has crossed the line somewhere. He can’t turn around and uncross it.
So we drink a lot of tea now.
c
Dinner and drinks – I miss that! But for us, it just does not work. One drink will eventually lead to more and more. My husband has problems with both narcotics and alcohol. He would use alcohol to enhance the pills, and when he did not have pills, he would drink himself blind. After he got clean from pills, we thought, great! Let’s get a drink! Celebrate! It started out very small, just dinner and drinks, but eventually, it led to him lying to me and drinking during the day while I was at work, and eventually that led him back to pills. (and seizures, and bone disease…)
Dinner and drinks was a lot of fun, and it was a big part of what we did together. For him, and his addiction, he has crossed the line somewhere. He can’t turn around and uncross it.
So we drink a lot of tea now.
c
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Ohio
Posts: 444
Been there
NoDoubt:
I use to drink right along with my husband--more than I care to admit to. Thank the Lord it never became an addiction for me. I never felt a drink with dinner was wrong--still don't. But a year and a half ago, I decided not to drink anymore because I didn't want my drinking to cause him to drink more. But then there are those times...
In September, we went to FL to visit my brother. My husband and I went out several times, and he ordered drinks for himself, and I didn't order any for myself the first couple of nights, but I began to feel rather self-righteous about it. After all, I really don't believe it's wrong to have a drink with dinner. He was going to drink whether I did or not. So, what the heck, I thought. So, I had a couple of glasses of wine on that trip. I had spent a good deal of time praying about it, and when it was all over, I felt it was ok --for that moment. I haven't had any since, but that doesn't mean I won't. Now, if he stops drinking altogether--I know I wouldn't, because I would never want to tempt him. But I'm not the cause of his drinking now, and I can't change it, whether I drink or not.
Lyn
I use to drink right along with my husband--more than I care to admit to. Thank the Lord it never became an addiction for me. I never felt a drink with dinner was wrong--still don't. But a year and a half ago, I decided not to drink anymore because I didn't want my drinking to cause him to drink more. But then there are those times...
In September, we went to FL to visit my brother. My husband and I went out several times, and he ordered drinks for himself, and I didn't order any for myself the first couple of nights, but I began to feel rather self-righteous about it. After all, I really don't believe it's wrong to have a drink with dinner. He was going to drink whether I did or not. So, what the heck, I thought. So, I had a couple of glasses of wine on that trip. I had spent a good deal of time praying about it, and when it was all over, I felt it was ok --for that moment. I haven't had any since, but that doesn't mean I won't. Now, if he stops drinking altogether--I know I wouldn't, because I would never want to tempt him. But I'm not the cause of his drinking now, and I can't change it, whether I drink or not.
Lyn
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Location: New York
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Thanks for your replies.
I wasn't planning on drinking that night. I though it would be nice to just have a night out together. But, when he said he was just going to have one and ordered it. I felt that I should have one too. I do enjoy a glass of wine occasionally. Like I said earlier that's all he drank that night and the next day. Today is monday and he is at work (and he's not drinking - that is not a problem).
I don't know if what I did was wrong or not. I just hope it doesn't do any harm.
I spoke about this situation at an AlAnon meeting today and nobody replied or made any comments.
NoDoubt
I wasn't planning on drinking that night. I though it would be nice to just have a night out together. But, when he said he was just going to have one and ordered it. I felt that I should have one too. I do enjoy a glass of wine occasionally. Like I said earlier that's all he drank that night and the next day. Today is monday and he is at work (and he's not drinking - that is not a problem).
I don't know if what I did was wrong or not. I just hope it doesn't do any harm.
I spoke about this situation at an AlAnon meeting today and nobody replied or made any comments.
NoDoubt
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NoDoubt
In most cases, an alcoholic cannot have one drink ever, or his disease progresses. Also, An alcoholic cannot smoke pot, and an addict cannot have a beer.
At some point in every recovering A's life (according to the ones I know), they try this. There is a phrase they use called "the marajuana maintenance program" because many try that and it doesn't work either. Replacing the drug of choice with another one, just brings them back to their drug of choice. My son, a crack addict, never ever had any problem with alcohol - but he cannot drink because that beer will take him back to crack.
It is to do with the endorphons and other stuff in their brains and their body thinks they are using again and goes back to the old triggers.
Now I say "most" cases, because there are a very very few who can return to social drinking....but use caution in thinking he may be one of those....odds are he isn't. My personal feeling about this is that those few weren't truly addicted but just had a problem. They all think that this is them, but 99% of the time they are just kidding themselves.
This is just from my own experience, reading and talking to those in recovery. I am not an expert here, but Lord knows I have my PHD from the school of hard knocks.
I don't drink around recovering addicts and alcoholics, purely out of respect. If I was on a diet, I wouldn't want to watch them eat cake. And we are talking about life and death for them. As a result, I rarely drink at all and have learned to enjoy my food and evenings out just as much without booze.
Hope this helps a little.
In most cases, an alcoholic cannot have one drink ever, or his disease progresses. Also, An alcoholic cannot smoke pot, and an addict cannot have a beer.
At some point in every recovering A's life (according to the ones I know), they try this. There is a phrase they use called "the marajuana maintenance program" because many try that and it doesn't work either. Replacing the drug of choice with another one, just brings them back to their drug of choice. My son, a crack addict, never ever had any problem with alcohol - but he cannot drink because that beer will take him back to crack.
It is to do with the endorphons and other stuff in their brains and their body thinks they are using again and goes back to the old triggers.
Now I say "most" cases, because there are a very very few who can return to social drinking....but use caution in thinking he may be one of those....odds are he isn't. My personal feeling about this is that those few weren't truly addicted but just had a problem. They all think that this is them, but 99% of the time they are just kidding themselves.
This is just from my own experience, reading and talking to those in recovery. I am not an expert here, but Lord knows I have my PHD from the school of hard knocks.
I don't drink around recovering addicts and alcoholics, purely out of respect. If I was on a diet, I wouldn't want to watch them eat cake. And we are talking about life and death for them. As a result, I rarely drink at all and have learned to enjoy my food and evenings out just as much without booze.
Hope this helps a little.
Learning to love life...
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 529
No Doubt
Sometimes it makes me sad that I am a "normie", yet I cannot drink... but it really is not a huge deal. I am willing to sacrifice one small pleasure (and it's not even a healthy one!), for the sake of BOTH of our recoveries.
On occasion, when I am away from my A - out with a friend etc - I have a drink or two... but as time goes on, I have even begun to feel indifferent about it. I suppose because of what I have seen with my A, and in my family, alcohol seems more of a burden than a pleasure.
Anyhow, don't feel guilty... And be sure not to play into him if HE lays the guilt trip on you. What is done is done... just keep working on yourself and in time you will figure out if alcohol NEEDS to have a place in your life at all.
One thing I will always remember is something my sponser told me regarding MY desire to "have a couple"... She said, "it would seem immoral and cruel to order a triple fudge sundae for yourself, while sitting next to a good friend who is desperatly trying to lose 50 pounds..."
Always makes me think...
Take care,
Meg
On occasion, when I am away from my A - out with a friend etc - I have a drink or two... but as time goes on, I have even begun to feel indifferent about it. I suppose because of what I have seen with my A, and in my family, alcohol seems more of a burden than a pleasure.
Anyhow, don't feel guilty... And be sure not to play into him if HE lays the guilt trip on you. What is done is done... just keep working on yourself and in time you will figure out if alcohol NEEDS to have a place in your life at all.
One thing I will always remember is something my sponser told me regarding MY desire to "have a couple"... She said, "it would seem immoral and cruel to order a triple fudge sundae for yourself, while sitting next to a good friend who is desperatly trying to lose 50 pounds..."
Always makes me think...
Take care,
Meg
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Posts: 211
Thanks anns and meg,
Usually I avoid drinking in front of my husband. I grew up in an alcoholic home and basically don't drink at all for fear of becomming an alcoholic. Fortunately, he only had the one drink and I am almost 100% positive he hasn't had another drink since then.
I went to a psychologist and spoke about my husband (she has met him already because our daughter has gone for treatment). Anyway, she believes he may be depressed and is self medicating. When I look back at when this began I realize it started when we had to make the decision to put his mother in a nursing home. Then on 9/11 he was right there evacuating people from his building and he didn't leave until he was forced to leave (his building is right next to the site and very damaged). He stayed in the city for a few days and of course was VERY stressed. For months after that he stayed over night for days at a time (a thing he usually doesn't have to do).
I can't imagine the things he saw or what he went through but I try to keep in mind that they really effected him.
Anyway, he really is trying not to drink. The first 2-3 weeks were horrible (gumpy and very removed). Now he is beginning to act more like his old "self". Our 8 year old last night said "daddy hasn't been angry lately". I told him. Maybe he is starting to see how good things can be without drinking.
I don't think that one drink with dinner put him 'over the edge'. But I will find a way to avoid that situation in the future.
Thanks again.
NoDoubt
Usually I avoid drinking in front of my husband. I grew up in an alcoholic home and basically don't drink at all for fear of becomming an alcoholic. Fortunately, he only had the one drink and I am almost 100% positive he hasn't had another drink since then.
I went to a psychologist and spoke about my husband (she has met him already because our daughter has gone for treatment). Anyway, she believes he may be depressed and is self medicating. When I look back at when this began I realize it started when we had to make the decision to put his mother in a nursing home. Then on 9/11 he was right there evacuating people from his building and he didn't leave until he was forced to leave (his building is right next to the site and very damaged). He stayed in the city for a few days and of course was VERY stressed. For months after that he stayed over night for days at a time (a thing he usually doesn't have to do).
I can't imagine the things he saw or what he went through but I try to keep in mind that they really effected him.
Anyway, he really is trying not to drink. The first 2-3 weeks were horrible (gumpy and very removed). Now he is beginning to act more like his old "self". Our 8 year old last night said "daddy hasn't been angry lately". I told him. Maybe he is starting to see how good things can be without drinking.
I don't think that one drink with dinner put him 'over the edge'. But I will find a way to avoid that situation in the future.
Thanks again.
NoDoubt
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I don't know, and someone correct me if I'm wrong, but it doesn't even sound like you're close to having a problem, you or your husband. Unless your husband is secretly drinking behind your back he's doing nothiong more than what is normal social drinking. Drinking can be a horrible addiction but if he's having a drink with dinner you have nothing to worry about. I wish that's all I had to worry about. It seems to me you're overreacting about nothing, unless you suspect he's trying to hide something. Anything's possible, but you sound possibly paranoid and worried about something that isn't there.
Last edited by Captain Morgan; 03-12-2003 at 06:16 AM.
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Wow I read this post and it scared me... reminds me of some of my own past situations... My hubby's doc is meth... Alcohol was not his DOC... but drinks always lead him to his love... ALWAYS... My hubby has is was not sure anymore... clean and sober for about 100 something days... and there has been times he has talked openly about his addiction... and he is afraid to even go near alcohol himself... He tried the one drink with dinner... but the next dinner it was two drinks... Then the weekend would come and it was a beer after work... Next thing you know... He's cookin meth off foil????????? This is a very long story short... but Just to give you some thought... There is nothing you can do to control what he does... whether you drink not drink... He will do what it is when he wants.... It never made a difference if I was having drinks or not... My hubby always made his own decisions whether he should use or not use... 
Well No doubt... hugs to you....
Love Clowie
Well No doubt... hugs to you....
Love Clowie
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Cap't M
I too questioned weather or not he is an alcoholic. But, when he stops off at a favorite local bar on the way home from work (alone) and drinks JD until he can't walk straight (has to get a ride home from the bar owner), drinks JD that is hidden down the basement, in his truck or in the garage, and drinks the morning that we are closing on our house (drunk at the closing)..... (and countless other times).... and lies about drinking. I think he may be an alcoholic.
I guess he has some control at times. He is actively trying not to drink (~4 weeks now).
Please don't make me doubt myself. It's hard enough hearing the lies from him, smelling the alcohol on his breath, catching him urinating in the closet (not the toilet), watching him stumble around the house..... the entire time telling me that there is nothing wrong,... he hasn't had a drink (or maybe only had one beer on the way home on the train).....
I guess I didn't make myself clear earlier in this post. But right about now I don't need to be doubting what I know is true.
NoDoubt
I too questioned weather or not he is an alcoholic. But, when he stops off at a favorite local bar on the way home from work (alone) and drinks JD until he can't walk straight (has to get a ride home from the bar owner), drinks JD that is hidden down the basement, in his truck or in the garage, and drinks the morning that we are closing on our house (drunk at the closing)..... (and countless other times).... and lies about drinking. I think he may be an alcoholic.
I guess he has some control at times. He is actively trying not to drink (~4 weeks now).
Please don't make me doubt myself. It's hard enough hearing the lies from him, smelling the alcohol on his breath, catching him urinating in the closet (not the toilet), watching him stumble around the house..... the entire time telling me that there is nothing wrong,... he hasn't had a drink (or maybe only had one beer on the way home on the train).....
I guess I didn't make myself clear earlier in this post. But right about now I don't need to be doubting what I know is true.
NoDoubt
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PS
This has been going on for nearly 5 years now (that's when I heard the first lie - that I know of).
So, I am correcting you.
Please, in the future, don't tell someone they are overreacting unless you know what is going on.
NoDoubt
So, I am correcting you.
Please, in the future, don't tell someone they are overreacting unless you know what is going on.
NoDoubt
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Ok Nodoubt now he sounds like an alcoholic. I was just going by what you posted before, my mistake. Going by what I know now he definitely is an alcoholic that will never be ever to control his drinking over the long run. I think all alcoholics can control their drinking for a while, at least I've found that to be true for myself. It's just a matter of time before we can't. I apologize, I didn't mean to cause you to doubt yourself if I did, it's just I do think there are times people go the other extreme and think there's a problem with someone else when there really isn't. I should have never questioned there was a problem. People who know the details have to determine that.
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Thanks Cap't
I'm sorry I got a little nutty there. It has taken me quite a few years to begin to come to terms with his drinking. I just recently began to stop doubting what I was seeing (and not listening to the lies). So, even when there was a little doubt cast I went bonkers.
My original post was just wondering what others do in a situation where there is drinking involved. I can go without a drink but find that when out for dinner and he drinks, why be the martyr. I do realize that drinking infront of someone who is actively trying not to drink is awful. Basically, I was prepared to not have a drink with dinner.
NoDoubt
I'm sorry I got a little nutty there. It has taken me quite a few years to begin to come to terms with his drinking. I just recently began to stop doubting what I was seeing (and not listening to the lies). So, even when there was a little doubt cast I went bonkers.
My original post was just wondering what others do in a situation where there is drinking involved. I can go without a drink but find that when out for dinner and he drinks, why be the martyr. I do realize that drinking infront of someone who is actively trying not to drink is awful. Basically, I was prepared to not have a drink with dinner.
NoDoubt
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I understand how crazy an addict can drive you with the lies. An addict becomes so convinced himself he can control his behavior, to him it's not a lie at all. I'm speaking from firsthand experience.
The last thing I wanted to do was lie, but I didn't know how to tell the truth. I've felt like a puppet being controlled by something greater than me, and that's exactly what I've been.
I didn't want to be a hinderance; it was just the alcoholic in me speaking. I'm such an advocate of alcohol and that's one thing I don't think will ever change. Alcohol can be a beautiful gift from God for those who can control it, and a powerful tool of the devil for those who can't. To me that goes for everything in life. Balance is the key, and for some of us, alcohol is used against us. That's just my perspective.
The way I see it you find yourself in a very tough predicament. For you alcohol is a gift. For your husband, it's a weakness. Technically there's no reason from what I understand(once agian I don't know the details) you can't enjoy alcohol and not abuse it. As an alcoholic myself I'd like to say if I was your husband it wouldn't bother me for you to enjoy a drink in front of me. I don't know for sure that I can say that, but that's one of my many unanswered questions. Just understand when a person finds out they have to quit using something they're addicted to, it's a living nightmare. I'm not in your situation but I just apologize on behalf of all other addicts for what you're going through.
The last thing I wanted to do was lie, but I didn't know how to tell the truth. I've felt like a puppet being controlled by something greater than me, and that's exactly what I've been.
I didn't want to be a hinderance; it was just the alcoholic in me speaking. I'm such an advocate of alcohol and that's one thing I don't think will ever change. Alcohol can be a beautiful gift from God for those who can control it, and a powerful tool of the devil for those who can't. To me that goes for everything in life. Balance is the key, and for some of us, alcohol is used against us. That's just my perspective.
The way I see it you find yourself in a very tough predicament. For you alcohol is a gift. For your husband, it's a weakness. Technically there's no reason from what I understand(once agian I don't know the details) you can't enjoy alcohol and not abuse it. As an alcoholic myself I'd like to say if I was your husband it wouldn't bother me for you to enjoy a drink in front of me. I don't know for sure that I can say that, but that's one of my many unanswered questions. Just understand when a person finds out they have to quit using something they're addicted to, it's a living nightmare. I'm not in your situation but I just apologize on behalf of all other addicts for what you're going through.
Last edited by Captain Morgan; 03-12-2003 at 03:21 PM.
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NoDoubt,
I've also struggled with the drinking/no-drinking problem on all kinds of fronts. One, I'm the daughter of an alcoholic so I always had a fear of becoming one myself. Two, once my dad stopped drinking I didn't want to drink around him. Three, my hubby's an addict and even though his DOC isn't alcohol, if he decided to have a drink, it was always a 100% predictor of whether or not he would use again. I could always tell whether or not he was serious about getting clean based on his drinking habits.
I find it uncomfortable to drink around my dad and my husband. So, I just don't do it, unless I'm not around them and I'm not going to be around them for a while, and then it's only social drinking with friends. I don't miss it and it's a lot more peaceful not having to worry about how my drinking might be affecting them. I don't consider it being a martyr, I think it's just a way of showing support and not contributing to their struggle.
Hugs,
JG
I've also struggled with the drinking/no-drinking problem on all kinds of fronts. One, I'm the daughter of an alcoholic so I always had a fear of becoming one myself. Two, once my dad stopped drinking I didn't want to drink around him. Three, my hubby's an addict and even though his DOC isn't alcohol, if he decided to have a drink, it was always a 100% predictor of whether or not he would use again. I could always tell whether or not he was serious about getting clean based on his drinking habits.
I find it uncomfortable to drink around my dad and my husband. So, I just don't do it, unless I'm not around them and I'm not going to be around them for a while, and then it's only social drinking with friends. I don't miss it and it's a lot more peaceful not having to worry about how my drinking might be affecting them. I don't consider it being a martyr, I think it's just a way of showing support and not contributing to their struggle.
Hugs,
JG
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Right now my A is using this "drinking a glass of wine with dinner" as a bargaining chip. We have been separated since July. Last month we tried a brief attempt at "courting". It ended last week when he told me that he couldn't accept my boundary of no drinking or pot. He said that he wanted to be able to have a glass of wine when we go out to dinner or watch a movie at home. The first time that he presented this bargain, I smiled. I had never heard of someone only drinking under such specific circumstances. (He drinks beer, not wine, which makes this all the more bizarre).
I took all of this talk as bargaining...I am not backing off on my boundary for this... I know as well as anyone that his drinking would resume very quickly and I would be right back where I started, miserable and hating myself. So...for now, we are incomunicado, which hurts because I thought we were making progress. I need to really let go and let God. I am staying strong and someone at my meeting told me when I expressed my fear in general of my life without a partner that faith is the cure for fear. I am hanging on to that.
thanks for this thread, all, it has been very interesting and I have gained some insight.
Dancing Queen
I took all of this talk as bargaining...I am not backing off on my boundary for this... I know as well as anyone that his drinking would resume very quickly and I would be right back where I started, miserable and hating myself. So...for now, we are incomunicado, which hurts because I thought we were making progress. I need to really let go and let God. I am staying strong and someone at my meeting told me when I expressed my fear in general of my life without a partner that faith is the cure for fear. I am hanging on to that.
thanks for this thread, all, it has been very interesting and I have gained some insight.
Dancing Queen
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Cap't - it's good to hear your point of view. It makes understanding what my husband is going through a little easier.
DQ - Years ago my husband began with the bargaining chip of drinking a glass of wine with dinner occasinally (with dinner at home as well as dinner out). Anyway, that lead back to buying the 12 packs of beer or drinking JD and hiding it. I don't buy any alcohol for the house now and he doesn't bring anything into it.
NoDoubt
DQ - Years ago my husband began with the bargaining chip of drinking a glass of wine with dinner occasinally (with dinner at home as well as dinner out). Anyway, that lead back to buying the 12 packs of beer or drinking JD and hiding it. I don't buy any alcohol for the house now and he doesn't bring anything into it.
NoDoubt
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okay okay
When will I learn??? Boy did I make a big mistake today. I called my A to ask him a question about my son (an excuse, I missed him and wanted a chance to see how he is feeling). We ended a half hour conversation by him telling me:
He is not an alcoholic
Our marriage did not break up because he is an alcoholic, it broke up because of me.
He is not in denial, I am the one saying he is an alcoholic and in denial.
His friends tell him...no offense but your wife is wrong, she doesn't know what an alcoholic is.
Get the picture. I need to give it up once and for all. Why do I hold on to my fantasy world where we live happily ever after? Why? I really want to know. I really think that I am crazy for even calling him. I really think that I am crazy for even having a shred of hope that he will ever see things "MY WAY". Why do I beat myself up like this????
Dancing Queen
He is not an alcoholic
Our marriage did not break up because he is an alcoholic, it broke up because of me.
He is not in denial, I am the one saying he is an alcoholic and in denial.
His friends tell him...no offense but your wife is wrong, she doesn't know what an alcoholic is.
Get the picture. I need to give it up once and for all. Why do I hold on to my fantasy world where we live happily ever after? Why? I really want to know. I really think that I am crazy for even calling him. I really think that I am crazy for even having a shred of hope that he will ever see things "MY WAY". Why do I beat myself up like this????
Dancing Queen
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Dancing Queen,
Please don't beat yourself up!!!
My husband won't admit he has a problem either. But, yet, he is actively trying not to drink (go figure).
Don't let him tell you that it's your fault.
I guess you need to do your best to avoid calling him. I have a hard time following that advice myself. Whenever we have a 'difficult night' I get anxious in the AM waiting for him to call before I leave for work (he leaves for work very early and we don't have time to talk then). If he doesn't call I call him before I leave. It's kind of funny, but, he never wants to talk about what happened the night before. Basically, it's over and done and 'let's get on with things'. That frustrates me.
NoDoubt
Please don't beat yourself up!!!
My husband won't admit he has a problem either. But, yet, he is actively trying not to drink (go figure).
Don't let him tell you that it's your fault.
I guess you need to do your best to avoid calling him. I have a hard time following that advice myself. Whenever we have a 'difficult night' I get anxious in the AM waiting for him to call before I leave for work (he leaves for work very early and we don't have time to talk then). If he doesn't call I call him before I leave. It's kind of funny, but, he never wants to talk about what happened the night before. Basically, it's over and done and 'let's get on with things'. That frustrates me.
NoDoubt
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Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Ogdensburg, NY
Posts: 30
Dear No Doubt,
Yes....you are right and I KNOW I shouldn't call, I am compelled and I can be strong for just so long...I read the sticky post about being "in between" it is stickied to the top of Nar-anon, for today, that is really helping me...I found it after I posted on this thread. It is true, I am "in-between" I need to give myself permission to be here. I am grieving my married life and its illusion that I held onto for 19 years. I know I am a good person deserving of love and the best God has to offer, I am worth much more than I have been giving myself permission to accept. Thank you for your kind words, they help me and I appreciate you.
Dancing Queen
Yes....you are right and I KNOW I shouldn't call, I am compelled and I can be strong for just so long...I read the sticky post about being "in between" it is stickied to the top of Nar-anon, for today, that is really helping me...I found it after I posted on this thread. It is true, I am "in-between" I need to give myself permission to be here. I am grieving my married life and its illusion that I held onto for 19 years. I know I am a good person deserving of love and the best God has to offer, I am worth much more than I have been giving myself permission to accept. Thank you for your kind words, they help me and I appreciate you.
Dancing Queen
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