It is unfair, isn't it?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Lost in Headspace
Posts: 27
Hi Luli,
I don’t know if there’s an answer to that. It makes it hard on you if no one else is aware of the situation because I’m guessing you’re either sworn to silence or no one understands your hardship because it’s much worse than they realise.
However, I can tell you that it feels just as unfair the other way around. When I was with my addict boyfriend, his family had given up on him and he barely had a friend in the world, because they could only see the bad. I was the only one who saw the good. That made it a lot harder on everyone involved - him because he only had me to depend on, his family because his addiction and depression destroyed them, and ultimately me as I was the one left to pick up all the pieces.
Either way you look at it, addiction isn’t fair. Just make sure you take care of yourself in order to stay sane
Stacey
I don’t know if there’s an answer to that. It makes it hard on you if no one else is aware of the situation because I’m guessing you’re either sworn to silence or no one understands your hardship because it’s much worse than they realise.
However, I can tell you that it feels just as unfair the other way around. When I was with my addict boyfriend, his family had given up on him and he barely had a friend in the world, because they could only see the bad. I was the only one who saw the good. That made it a lot harder on everyone involved - him because he only had me to depend on, his family because his addiction and depression destroyed them, and ultimately me as I was the one left to pick up all the pieces.
Either way you look at it, addiction isn’t fair. Just make sure you take care of yourself in order to stay sane
Stacey
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Hong Kong
Posts: 55
The thing is that his family has a lot of problems and he always does everything he can to help them and his friends, but never want to help himself or me.
For now, I am ok, understanding better his situation and look how far I can go with this.
For now, I am ok, understanding better his situation and look how far I can go with this.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: OHIO
Posts: 959
Hello Lu and hi to all today. Hun I've lived that lie for 22 years and kept the dark secret from his family as to all my AXH did to us, all the times he left the kids and I. 8 times over the years it was about an average of every 2 - 2 1/2 years. And he always took the money and ran. In the end his family blamed the kids and I for his behavior and drinking. They said that I should have been a more supportive wife and the kids brought on his anger because they were teenagers and whatnot. Bull crap. My MIL is about as codependent and I was and you have to do whats best for you and you alone. Remember the 3 c's... Are you going to alanon or any support group in your area?
Janit
Janit
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((Luli2979))
I can sure relate to your post!! - My AH (Brian) was very popular in his High School years and is still a very popular, well liked handsome man. I would meet women that went to school with him, they always would tell me "Every girl wanted to be with Brian, he was and still is so good-looking, and so sweet. Everyone just loves him" I thought "If you knew what I knew, you wouldn't want to be with him"
Now that I am in Al-Anon, I can appreciate his good qualities and not let his disease overshadow everything in our lives. For the past 3 1/2 years, he has been in AA and is working on changing his character defects. Just like mine, they don't all go away over night, but the slogan Progress not Perfection helps us take our marriage One Day at a Time.
Welcome to SR & I hope that you will find a support group such as Al-Anon or ACOA that will help you with this horrible disease.
Don't give up before the Miracle happens in you - You deserve it.
Learning to live Happy, Joyous & Free - One Day at a Time,
Rita
I can sure relate to your post!! - My AH (Brian) was very popular in his High School years and is still a very popular, well liked handsome man. I would meet women that went to school with him, they always would tell me "Every girl wanted to be with Brian, he was and still is so good-looking, and so sweet. Everyone just loves him" I thought "If you knew what I knew, you wouldn't want to be with him"
Now that I am in Al-Anon, I can appreciate his good qualities and not let his disease overshadow everything in our lives. For the past 3 1/2 years, he has been in AA and is working on changing his character defects. Just like mine, they don't all go away over night, but the slogan Progress not Perfection helps us take our marriage One Day at a Time.
Welcome to SR & I hope that you will find a support group such as Al-Anon or ACOA that will help you with this horrible disease.
Don't give up before the Miracle happens in you - You deserve it.
Learning to live Happy, Joyous & Free - One Day at a Time,
Rita
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
Luli,
It sounds tough on you right now.
I am not in a relationship with an alcoholic anymore, I chose to leave the relationship after 3 years.
The bottom line for me, is that addiction is NOT fair. Life is not fair.
All I could do was focus on myself and what/if anything I would do to stay sane in that relationship. That does not mean focusing on how messed up his whole family was either! (And I could soooo go there).
In the end, it was not worth it for me. I will not lose myself in the name of "helping" bc "nobody else is there for him"
Take care of YOU!
It sounds tough on you right now.
I am not in a relationship with an alcoholic anymore, I chose to leave the relationship after 3 years.
The bottom line for me, is that addiction is NOT fair. Life is not fair.
All I could do was focus on myself and what/if anything I would do to stay sane in that relationship. That does not mean focusing on how messed up his whole family was either! (And I could soooo go there).
In the end, it was not worth it for me. I will not lose myself in the name of "helping" bc "nobody else is there for him"
Take care of YOU!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Arizona
Posts: 928
Today's thought is:
Life is not always what one wants it to be, but to make the best of it as it is, is the only way of being happy.
--Jennie Jerome Churchill
We are generally so certain that we know what's best for ourselves. And we are just as often certain that what we think is best will guarantee happiness. Perhaps we should reflect on all the times in the past when our wishes didn't come true--fortunately.
Did any one of us expect to be doing today, what we each are doing? We may have expected children, a particular kind of home, a certain career, but did we really anticipate all that life has wrought? Addiction, and then recovery from it, was probably not in our pictures. But it does fit into the big picture. The happiness we experience today probably doesn't visit us in the way we anticipated a few years back. But it is measured out according to our needs. The choice to be happy with what is, is ours to make, every moment.
I can take life as it is, and trust that it is just right, just what it needs to be. The big picture guarantees me lasting happiness. Today's experiences will move me a step closer
Life is not always what one wants it to be, but to make the best of it as it is, is the only way of being happy.
--Jennie Jerome Churchill
We are generally so certain that we know what's best for ourselves. And we are just as often certain that what we think is best will guarantee happiness. Perhaps we should reflect on all the times in the past when our wishes didn't come true--fortunately.
Did any one of us expect to be doing today, what we each are doing? We may have expected children, a particular kind of home, a certain career, but did we really anticipate all that life has wrought? Addiction, and then recovery from it, was probably not in our pictures. But it does fit into the big picture. The happiness we experience today probably doesn't visit us in the way we anticipated a few years back. But it is measured out according to our needs. The choice to be happy with what is, is ours to make, every moment.
I can take life as it is, and trust that it is just right, just what it needs to be. The big picture guarantees me lasting happiness. Today's experiences will move me a step closer
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
Minx, that was an awesome post!!!!!!!!
Luli - Addiction isn't fair to everyone that is affected by it. Whether by personal usage or those that love and care about the user.
I used to feel alot of really strong emotions concerning the unfairness of it all. And even now, I sometimes will get temporarily angry, upset, or whatnot about it. But I've also come to realize that for me, I can either do the best I can with it all - or I can wallow in the pity. I choose to stop being the willing victim and to stop wallowing. (Though I admit that I have my occassional "Feel sorry for me" day).
I guess what I'm saying is that like your situation - those that know my AH, feel he's so funny and they like him lots. Ugh - the women at the bank used to just rave about him and comment about "What a riot it must be to live with him" and I'd be thinking "Riot! If you only knew!!!"
I've even told Ah that it bothers me that he seems to give his "good side" to everyone but me.
It's not fair - but it's the reality.
Just a thought - but would you rather be one of those people that don't really know AH the way you do? To have a misconception of who he is?
I think for me - I'd rather see the true person, even if that means I don't always like him much.
Luli - Addiction isn't fair to everyone that is affected by it. Whether by personal usage or those that love and care about the user.
I used to feel alot of really strong emotions concerning the unfairness of it all. And even now, I sometimes will get temporarily angry, upset, or whatnot about it. But I've also come to realize that for me, I can either do the best I can with it all - or I can wallow in the pity. I choose to stop being the willing victim and to stop wallowing. (Though I admit that I have my occassional "Feel sorry for me" day).
I guess what I'm saying is that like your situation - those that know my AH, feel he's so funny and they like him lots. Ugh - the women at the bank used to just rave about him and comment about "What a riot it must be to live with him" and I'd be thinking "Riot! If you only knew!!!"
I've even told Ah that it bothers me that he seems to give his "good side" to everyone but me.
It's not fair - but it's the reality.
Just a thought - but would you rather be one of those people that don't really know AH the way you do? To have a misconception of who he is?
I think for me - I'd rather see the true person, even if that means I don't always like him much.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: OHIO
Posts: 959
I just have to jump in here...just like you guys my XAH was so very liked by absolutely everyone who met him. UNTIL he showed his a$$ to one of our very best friends one too many times. But for the general population...all who met him would tell me that I was soooo fortunate to have him as a husband. I too thought if they only could see him in action. Doesn't just make you so mad that they have fooled soooo many people. Even the people who were your friends first that somehow betrayed you and are now in his camp. His family you almost expect it but not YOUR friends. It just burns me up when I think back about this topic.
Janit
Janit
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
Janit, Ah has shown his evil side to people. And most of them continue to be his friend anyways as they forget as he's generally the great guy more often than not in front of them.
Try not to let it make you so angry that he's fooled so many people. The way I see it this way...
Ah has fooled a lot of people. I feel rather sorry for AH that he can't be "himself" in front of everyone and I feel sorry for the people that only like this personna of the man they think they know, when in truth, they don't really know him for who he really is. I also have to remind myself of just how long my AH fooled me!!! And I lived with him! Everyday for years!!! If he can fool me for that long - then of course it's easy to fool those that he doesn't have to live with and share his life with!
Try not to let it make you so angry that he's fooled so many people. The way I see it this way...
Ah has fooled a lot of people. I feel rather sorry for AH that he can't be "himself" in front of everyone and I feel sorry for the people that only like this personna of the man they think they know, when in truth, they don't really know him for who he really is. I also have to remind myself of just how long my AH fooled me!!! And I lived with him! Everyday for years!!! If he can fool me for that long - then of course it's easy to fool those that he doesn't have to live with and share his life with!
Always hopeful...
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Illinois
Posts: 429
Oh, yes, they can make the public view themselves as great, fun guys. BUT wait till they know the real him. I am kinda battling with that right now, as we are separated, I think most prolly see it for what it is, but there will be a few that think I am nuts for ending it with such a "fun" guy that is charismatic and decent looking. I don't even think he is that good lookin' any more after I know him. But, there were good times that are missed! and the sadness of the loss of the dream......
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
. Doesn't just make you so mad that they have fooled soooo many people
My life is not about that, or I would be burned up alot..my focus is on me, how to keep getting healthy, and make choices in my life that are good for me, as to not harbour resentments and anger.
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