sarah25

I am a social drinker, rarely rarely...I'll go out and have 3-4 beers with friends, maybe once every 6mo. or year lately! So the last incident we had my A was supposed to be my DD...blah blah blah, he got wasted...huge incident and so on....my MIL says to me "now don't enable him" and immediately a HUGE GIGANTIC tidal wave of resentment hits me, like "how dare you!!!!"....so my life should end because he's a ***** with no self control?? I shouldn't have my once a yr hang out because he has no self control? I guess I don't love him enough to not resent that, I guess that's why I'm leaving.....the other thing is this: if you don't harp on them for drinking because you CANNOT harp on them because it'll start a huge violent fight, is that enabling? My MIL always says "fight back, scream at him, yell at him back" like I'm a sissy, but we all know....that leads to really bad stuff. I am so sick of everytime I try to do something I am 'enabling' him. He is to balme for his problem NOT ME. This was it long before I was on the scene. aaaggghhhh!!!!
sorry guys, I'm on a roll today!

Pick-a-name

I am a bit confused about this and how /what is enabling. (unless you mean in "makes him" go to a place that serves alcohol?---you don't make him drink...)

I do never that I would never depend on an alcoholic (who is not in recovery) to be a designated driver...no matter what he says or how "unfair" I think it is that I could not do that. That is just not a realistic expectation and would cause a problem for me.

Sorry you are so frustrated; hopefully in the future if you want to go out for a drink and relax in the process you can find another driver and leave him at home...

Tally

In my eyes your MIL has it back to front. Shouting, screaming and yelling at him could be construed as enabling.....playing the martyr, trying to make him feel guilty....what's he gonna do? Flip and/or drink more, then blame you.

You're doing the right thing by not saying anything, by letting him get on with it, it doesn't matter what you say, he'll do what he does regardless.....as you well know.

I don't drink anymore, or very very rarely. It's not fun anymore for me, I think seeing him and listening to the way he is when he's drunk made me NOT wanna be like that. It's not attractive. I also resent buying maybe a bottle of something so I could have one or two glasses and keep the rest, only to find he's drank it all, so it costs me about £** for one glass....not worth it, I drink tea instead, lol. But of course, then I'm accused of being "boring" and "no fun"...lol

You just get on with doing your thing, making urself and ur kids happy and let him and his mother concentrate on him...if she's so desperate for you to shout at him, tell her to be your guest :p

CatsTail

Um well if your AH gets drunk and he's the DD obviously I'd think YOU would need to take care of YOU and do the driving so you don't get killed because of him. It has nothing to do with enabling, it has to do with your survival.

Your MIL ha sit backwards so don't worry about it.

Maybe your MIL likes to scream and yell at someone but you don't have to.

Ngaire

mushroom

I bet your MIL knows a thing or two about enabling from first hand experience. She's his mother after all.

Sounds to me like she's trying to manage an out of control situation by putting you in the hot seat. She couldn't get him to stop drinking so now she's going to try to make you do it for her.

Your social drinking isn't making him drink and you know it. He'll drink mouthwash if that's the only alcohol he has access to - that's what my ex ah did.

But - why oh why did you ask an ALCOHOLIC to be your designated driver??? that's just setting yourself and him up for trouble. Next time use a different dd or plan on calling a cab.

You are allowed to be a social drinker. His alcoholism should not stop you from an occasional drink. His problem is his problem. But he's not an appropriate choice for a dd.

KBear_73

It's a tough one ... I'm sure there are plenty here that can relate ... I know I can.

I agree with everyone's replies and I also TOTALLY get where you are coming from. I never gave my drinking at social events a second thought before. If I went to a wedding/party/event etc etc sometimes I would drink, sometimes I wouldn't. But now I'm constantly worrying about how it will effect him, and whether I'm enabling him or not. I do realise that it really is HIS problem and he would drink whether I am or not ... but it still doesn't make my decision to drink or not any more enjoyable or easier.

The comments about MIL are spot on ... especially the ones about how she failed and now she's putting that on you. She still has the same responsibilities as his mother that she ever did and it's a bit unfair of her to act like that. Bleah, what can you do though?

I do agree though that I would NEVER expect my other half to be the DD. I am aware that it would just never happen!

I would arrange a ride with someone else or catch a taxi if I wanted to drink because there is just no way I would expect him to be able to!

I love this icon ...... :uzi2: ... just to clarify - in my head it's shooting the manipulation, not the man. I love the man, I just get fed up with the manipulation of 'enabling'