Cynay

As you all know my daughter moved out about 3 weeks ago, she said that we have no relationship and she loves me but if we are going to have one she cant live with me.... OK..

So, the first week she was nice, sent text message and such, second week she came over to pick up the last of her things and was VERY distant.... that was on the 6th.

I discovered she charged about 200 on a credit card that she should not have... I e-mailed and advised her of the charge and asked if she plans to pay for it... NO reply, so then I text her about the e-mail and ask her to respond or call me.....NO reply... I call and leave a VM on her phone asking her to call me or I will come down to her work (that was this morning) and called her when she got out of school again asking her to call me and told her point blank not to avoid me.... NOTHING

This is not sitting well with me, when this happened 3 years ago and she lived with the Aunt and Uncle for 6 months the same thing happened... at first she was nice, then in the end her attitude was SO bad that if looks could kill I would be dead. Im not sure what to do. Its not about the charge since it will not break me... but...I still want to talk to my daughter and if she tells me she cant... fine, but if she wanted to work on a relationship with me she has a funny way of showing it.

Should I just not contact her. Should I go to her work and force her to talk with me.

This is driving me nuts.

DesertEyes

Hey there Cynay, have a

Here's my suggestions. First break it down by _time_.

What do you have to absolutely do today or the world will come to an end? If you go to her work, or _not_ go to her work, will it make the world end today?

I don't think the world will end today, so maybe just for today you don't have to do anything. Maybe you can set a time limit like "I'm going to ask people at my meetings for suggestion for a whole week and next friday I'll make a decision".

Once you decide on a time frame you can make a list of alternatives, and what each alternative will acomplish. Here's the ones I see, add more of your own.

- Action: Do nothing and wait until she makes contact, then ask her to repay the loan. Probable consequence: she'll get angry and ignore you again.

- Action: Do nothing and wait until she makes proper ammends by repaying the loan. Probable consequence: the beginning of communication because she's repaying out of her own will.

- Action: Go to her work and force her to talk to you. Probable consequence: Al-anon teaches that we can't force anybody to do anything so she will likely get more angry.

- Action: Take her to collections. Probable consequence: Get your money back, but also make her angry.

- Action: Treat her like any other person that treats you poorly, whether an alcoholic ex-spouse, a boyfriend, or a pain-in-the-rear teenager. Practice detachment, establish boundaries, show compassion for their pain but maintain boundaries, etc. etc. Probable consequence: _You_ have serenity in your life and allow them the dignity to make their own decisions in their life.

I would think there's many more options that I haven't thought of. All of them can be examined in light of the principles of recovery.

Whadya think?

Mike

Cynay

I think your a doll and glad your here....

prodigal

... but I see maintaining boundaries AND taking her to collections as one and the same. If you owed one of your creditors that money, and it was NOT repaid in a timely manner (or upon specific request), then it would be sent to collections.

Whether she gets angry or not .... well, that is her problem, isn't it? You have made a request. She, by totally ignoring you, is denying your request. Mike is right - you have a number of options from which to choose. It's just my opinion, but money matters are business matters, family or not.

I wouldn't confront her in person. Way back when, creditors were allowed to call your home and ask (more like harrass) you to repay a loan. It is now against the law for creditors to harass their customers in that manner. However, they can send out collection notices and make good on them - and they do.

I know I'm coming across as cold-blooded here, but separate your personal frustration at her refusal to acknowledge you with the plain fact that she OWES you money.

Cynay

Nahhh

Its not the money that matters, Im hurt because my daughter who I raised for 15 years alone and I mean financially, parenting everything now will not acknowledge me.

I have no idea why this has happened since she does not feel inclined to tell me anything other then she thinks we dont have a relationship and Im trying to keep some type of relationship with her.

Im thinking this is a God thing and I should just not contact her again unless she contacts me. But you can be sure if she contacts me and "needs" something I will be more then sympathic and politely tell her no.

denny57

I guess she knows this, which is why she doesn't feel the need to pay. No matter who it is in my life, I teach them how to treat me.

I'm sorry you are in such pain over your daughter's decisions.

Zoey

I would make a copy of the bill and send it to her every month.
Bills are bills, we have to pay them. (Mother love is not good sometimes).

If your neighbor or best friend was having this problem, wouldn't you think the bottom line is, "this is not good for the child to learn, that they can treat people badly and not pay back loans etc.

Cyna, I feel your heart break. (I have listened to lots of mothers, and it is never the money)
Hopefully you can let it go for a while to give you time to think, then you still have to go with your gut.
Just my thoughts, I don't know what I would do.
((Hugs))

laurie6781

Actually Cynay, by saying that what are you teaching your daughter? To walk all over you anytime she wants? No responsibility to pay back money she used without persmission? What? Is this how you want her to continue to treat you?

This is a woman who will soon be an adult and if she had done this at 18 it would be considered unlawful and a criminal offense.

I know you are hurting, however, I am in agreement with Prodigal here, she is at an age when she really has to take responsibility for her actions.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

prodigal

I read a book years ago by a psychiatrist (Dr. Ted Rubin) that had an entire chapter addressing "money issues." In our society, money is power (at least to a lot of folks), and it has meaning way beyond being an object exchanged for another object: "I'll give you $10 if you sell me your used bicycle."

Money oftentimes equates to control. You know your daughter well, I do not. But something tells me, on a gut level, that this is a control issue with her. Almost as if she refuses to give into - or even acknowledge - your request that she return the money. Regardless of whether she was ignoring your request for the money, a return phone call, or whatever, the point is you are hurt that she is failing to acknowledge your request.

However, I am stubborn when it comes to money matters (got that from my mom). Your daughter misused, without your immediate knowledge or permission, YOUR money. She could have misused your cellphone, your car, your furniture, or anything else. The point is feelings are involved here in addition to a material object. It's your money, you worked for it and earned it, and she is disrespecting it. Thus, she is disrespecting you.

I'm usually pretty live-and-let-live when it comes to how people conduct their lives. After all, it is none of my business. But there is something about money that gets me up on my soapbox. Please keep in mind that this is my own bias talking here.

You have to do what feels right for you. If confronting her face-to-face works for YOU, by all means do it. If waiting for a certain period of time works, do it. If sending her a monthly bill works, do it. I'm just shooting my mouth off because money is a REAL hot-button issue with me.

Live

I don't know. I am kind of like Cynay....if she would have asked, be it a family or friend, I would gladly help out with the money and it would be a gift not a loan.

The underlying issue is the dynamic of the relationship. And what I see is that daughter is lacking proper respect.
I taught and allowed that from my daughter at a difficult time.
What I finally had to do was detach and take the attitude that it was not my huge hurting loss, she was losing the benefit of a loving mother. And I didn't contact her.
Since then, she has matured and we get along, although I sometimes still have to put my respect up for her to see.

just my thoughts,
live

prodigal

and I agree completely with the way she phrased her opinion. It's a respect issue and it's crucial that way we treat one another with dignity and respect. Doesn't matter if it's a blood relative, a close friend, or a mere acquaintance. Taking or using someone else's money without their permission or knowledge is disrespectful and as Laurie said, downright illegal if one is over the age of consent.

FormerDoormat

Obviously your goal is to develop a closer relationship with your daughter as opposed to driving her away, but your actions aren't in line with your goal, in my humble opinion.

I know you're angry and hurt that she left--I would be heartbroken if my daughter did the same thing to me--but your anger is only increasing the wedge she's created between you.

Instead of threatening or harassing her over the charge, why don't you call the credit card company, close the account, and have them issue you a new card with a new account number? That way, your daughter can no longer charge items to your account and this issue won't get in the way of your attempts to resolve the real issue:

Developing a closer relationship with your daughter.

So how can you do that? Call her and ask her to have lunch with you, invite her over to your home for dinner and a movie, ask her if she'd like to browse through a bookstore or an antique shop with you or play a game of tennis, etc. You get the idea. I think her behavior is screaming "Mom, I need some special attention." And you know what? So do you. Wouldn't it be nice if the two of you could pamper yourselves together?

I think it will do wonders for both of you.

kermit

I'm in no shape to give advice, but I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers, your daughter too.

Lynne

caughtup

The advice on the money issue is valid from everyone. In the end, you are the one that has to live and accept the results. You may never see the money again, whether or not you pursue the issue, outside of court, with your daughter. So where does that leave you?? Decide what is important TO YOU ... and what it is you want to show to your daughter, and can you do it all?? possibly ... threatening isn't going to work, she won't learn a lesson about money or responsibility, she will only learn to get angry at you, the same with demanding the money from her, or taking her to court, lesson learned for her at this point, is going to be how mad she is at you ... that is what she will remember ... however, first show her empathy, yes empathy, whether or not she deserves it .. she's your daughter and you love her and I am sure there is some situation that is frustrating for her ... let her know, give her a chance to talk, then ask her if you can talk to her about how you feel ... then give her choices, give her some control ... how do you want to pay me?? make payments over time or all at once?? this is called love and logic parenting ... MOST of the time it works ...lol ...good luck prayers are with you ....

CatsTail

Hi Cynay,

If your name is on the credit card and you are responsible for it I would have that changed,seperate yourself from it. Put it in her lap. It's important not to let her walk all over you even though you want a relationship with her. If she has moved out because of whatever her reasons are then why should you be supporting a credit card?

Take some time before confrontiong her and after a few days or so you'll probably find you don't want to confront her. Do what you need to do to take care of you, sanely.

Good luck with it.

Ngaire

So Confused

I am sorry to hear about that. Is that the same credit card you asked for when she came to pick up her things? I have to tell you as a teenager I did some WRONG things to my mother. I guess looking back it was just to be hateful to make a point. I was angry and refused to be controlled. It is sad, it took a very long time to gain the relationship back. But as you know all that i have been through my mom has been right there. I could not have made it without her. I think at this point you need to back off. She needs to learn but only she can grasp it. Give her the love and support of a mother. Realize that I think she is hurting and anyone she can lash out at right now makes her feel like she has made a statement. We all know no tthe case but consider your source and where she is right now.. It will all come in due time but she has to find it. I do not think you should look at anything she does right now as an indication of she wants a relationship right now. BAsed on age and her emotion I think that would be unreliable. As with everything back off and let her find what she needs. Here If ya need me
SC

mazey

First things first, and I think your relationship with your daughter is first here, over any money thing. When the time is right you and she need your relationship back in some way, shape or form. The money thing is important, of course, and it would make any of us ANGRY, but even more angry that she is not returning your calls. Did she do this for a reaction from you? Did she get the reaction she wanted? Stop the card.....
Don't let your anger take over the relationship. Would it work to go find her unexpectedly and talk? Bottom line, she is your daughter AND you are her Mom. Lots of closeness it sounds prior to this recent move?

BigSis

Glad you are getting so many replies, Cynay... because I am at a loss.

Is your daughter using? If so, her behavior fits with my experience, and if so, then I would start worrying about yourself and not her well-being.

If not, then I am confused. I suppose your behavior would have to be the same... a gentle distance that "waits" for her to come to you. But right now, she sounds like a stubborn brat (and I say that with love, I have 2 of my own!) and that "waiting" may take a while.

While "waiting" I have to turn the bright light OFF of my kids. That is hard... and contrary to everything I ever learned as a mom. Hell, I grew those "eyes in the back of my head" for a danged good reason! But turning away and focusing on myself and the rest of my life makes me a better mom... in the long run.

(((hugs)))

JessicaNAJ

I couldn't agree more....but I know how hard that will be for you.