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Is he pretending or not?

Old 09-12-2006, 09:47 PM
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Is he pretending or not?

Everytime we fight or everytime I cryed at night, the next morning he acts like nothing happened, that everything is allright. Why he's pretending? Why he's showing me that I am who needs help? Well, maybe I do, but he doesn't realyce that he needs help too, even more than I do.
My question is, does he knows why I am feeling this way?or just pretending beacuse he doesn't want to know the truth?
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Old 09-12-2006, 10:30 PM
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pretending, cuz then he doesn't have to admit to anything.....they don't want to "deal" with it! And, mine would always pass thru it cuz I would let him. And, if we talked, I talked about it, it was my problem! And, being the good little codie I was, I'd try to keep things peaceful and smooth. I love that I said WAS! I'm trying. Please, read all the suggestions here on this site and anything you can find.
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Old 09-12-2006, 10:40 PM
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What time is it there??? Looks like everyone went to bed here, except me.
but we have some that see everything. So you may get more than my reply, I hope so. Some are up early also.

With a great deal of alcohol in the system they do not remember things they say. Then in AM they are so foggy. Then too there are blackouts. If a blackout they act normal, but never ever remember it.

I often hear that men just don't know what to do when a female crys, (always exceptions with all things to do with humans)

Have you attended Al-Anon, that helps most of us.
Then still come here to vent anytime and ask questions etc. Seems to help a great deal to type it all out.

There are many books that help us understand.

Wiser ones will be around. Hugs
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Old 09-12-2006, 11:11 PM
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It's the nature of an alcoholic to minimize their own behavior and blame you or the rest of the world for their drinking. Just as you, the codependent, are focused on wanting to know why he treats you this way, and why he behaves the way he does. He's focused on the bottle and not you. You are focused on him and not you. It sounds like you are the one holding the short end of the stick.

He wants to maintain his addiction. How does he do that? By denying that anything is wrong. He may not even feel that anything IS wrong because being drunk is more "normal" to him than being sober.

No, he will not understand why you feel the way you do. But more importantly, do YOU understand why you feel the way you do??? Trying to get him to see the light, have a sudden revelation he's a drunk, understand your feelings, realize he's hurting you, etc., etc. is not going to happen unless HE wants it to happen. You have to get a handle on who you are.

I'm sure you've figured out that the more you try to make him understand what he's doing to you, the more you get involved in his addiction, the more upset you become. He'll go off on his merry way drunk as a skunk while you'll be the one having the nervous breakdown.

Unless you get into a program like Al-Anon and begin to understand yourself, I'm afraid you're just going to keep dancing this same terrible dance.
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Old 09-13-2006, 05:56 AM
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[QUOTE=luli2979]Why he's showing me that I am who needs help? Well, maybe I do, /QUOTE]

AH used to tell me all the time I needed help. I didn't think so. I finally got it, first with Al-Anon, then therapy, and guess what? He was right - I did need help. It gave me the strength to do what I had to do - get out of the relationship.

When I stopped worrying about whether he would ever get help, I got well and my life now is so different, and better, that if I wasn't in no contact with him, I would thank him.

I hope you'll do something that is for your good, and let him work out his own stuff.

Good luck.
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Old 09-13-2006, 08:01 AM
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I shouldn't have been so quick to say 'pretending', yes the blackouts! or just plain forgetting...sorry. But, what the others have said is so true. Read stuff, it helps tons.
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Old 09-13-2006, 08:10 AM
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I know its easier said then done, God knows I still struggle with letting go and letting God.... But think about it, there is nothing else you Can do.

How long has this dance been going on? If you keep telling him the same thing over and over and nothing has changed then it is your problem now because he either does not think he has a problem or he does not want to fix it.

One thing that you can learn that helps is .... when they are drinking just dont listen. Its called quacking ... and that is all they are doing. They say hurtful things cuz they are hurting and want to strike out.... just dont take what they say personally. You can also set some boundries ... like if your drunk Im not staying here. But when you set them you will have to stick to it.

I believe he is telling your the truth though.... it is your problem, so maybe you might want to start learning all you can about this disease, theraphy, Al-anon, Books..... even open AA meetings, then you can hear the stories from people who where where your husband is now....
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Old 09-13-2006, 06:20 PM
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Mine acts like there's nothing wrong in the morning. During the time he was sober he told me how guilty and hung over he felt in the mornings when he was drinking. I think that when he acts like everything's fine the morning after, he's hoping that everything is fine and if I act like things aren't fine then he can look down at me for being irrational. There is no way for us to win in this situation. If we react, then we're the one with the problem, if we don't react, they get away with it. The way I deal with it right now is to give him as little attention as possible for bad behavior, without being ugly about it. I don't want to give him the satisfaction of being able to make me into the bad guy. And more importantly, I don't want to let his behavior change who I am, I want to be the person I want to be.
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Old 09-13-2006, 06:59 PM
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To this day, AH and I remember different incidents differently. It's really no wonder though as AH was usually drunk, hungover, or something.
I remember that one of my biggest complaints was that he'd just wake up the next day as though nothing ever happened. There were times when I'd tell him what was said and he'd deny it or remember it differently. There were times that he'd make it out that I was the crazy one - or he'd say that I was blowing something up bigger than it was - etc.
But you know, I remember times too when AH would admit that he had a problem. He'd admit that he was in the wrong, etc. These phases were what I came to term as "suck up mode" though because he was sorry and would try to make it up to me, only to go out and do it again.

While I do know other men that do this - act like nothing is wrong and act as though they are trying to start the new day out fresh - I have to say that I don't believe it's a "man thing" at all. I think that it's a form of denial. As was mentioned above, if you don't talk about it, and he acts fine, you accept it and act fine, it must be okay, right?

Why he's pretending?
So he can stay in his denial of his problem.

Why he's showing me that I am who needs help?
If he blames you - you become the one with the problem, not him. And you will continue to lose self esteem, which helps his addiction in the blame game.


My question is, does he knows why I am feeling this way?or just pretending beacuse he doesn't want to know the truth?
Yes, he absolutely knows why. And no, he doesn't want to know the truth of it being because of his actions causing your feelings - or he'd be held responsible in dealing with his addiction and what he's doing.
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Old 09-14-2006, 07:48 PM
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Thank you for the advices, it's very helpfull.
I know I have to go to Alanon's meeting, the truth is that when I have the oportunity to go, I never went and now I am in China, a small Town beteen Hong Kong and Shezhen and there's no such as kind of meeting. So I start to searching in the net and that's when I found this site and after I read all these stuffs, I can understand better my husband's situation.
Thanks again.
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Old 09-14-2006, 08:06 PM
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I'd reach out to the Alanon people..at least call the phone number = you never know they might want to set up a meeting in Shenzhen..

Also - go to some open AA meetings in Shenzhen if you can.

Here's the AA HKG website.

http://www.aa-hk.org/
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