My sick thoughts...
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
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My sick thoughts...
OK...........I probably "shouldn't" post this,but I just made a discovery and maybe it is just me, but possibly someone else can relate.
AH and I were married for almost 28 yrs (2 children) until a few months ago, when he divorced me. He moved out of our home several years ago however we still did family things and most people did not know we were not living together ;even our family members. He "needed space...I made him drink, the kids made him drink",blah,blah, blah...the usual. He moved the first time for one month;that was all he rented....I told him at the time that if he was still unhappy with me,etc that perhaps it was better he did not move home and also I had some own issues,too. The drinking behavior (it was getting louder and starting to seem violent) needed addressed. He moved back (I am a stay-at-home mom and have been for many years and he runs his own successful business) and then several months later,he moved out and stayed out.
Close to a 2 years later, he announced that he had a life,wanted to go out and "have fun" and wanted a divorce.
Here is where I cringe......when I read about these fine ladies who move out on their own and love their freedom, going out, doing what they want to do,etc....all good things, I know and I do understand what they are saying and why (I guess in someways I am doing some of that myself) ......sometimes I start to hear what my AH said to me...and wonder if it really WAS me and the kids. OK; I know it really isn't like that and on some level he probably does love to drink and "play" without any of the day to day responsiblities of a wife and two teenagers.....to answer to no one...
Anyone else ever feel like this?
I know it wasn't healthy how we were, I know I need to accept the reality that he is an alcoholic even though he denies it and tries to put it all on me, I know I did contribute some to the insanity (like this!) but I know the three c's,etc. Why do I cringe when I read about the people who dumped their AH and feel like I know how the AH feels....?
(Maybe I am just tired;tired of being the one trying to hold the kids and I together why he is out there living his selfish way... having a pity-party. That I can take. Thinking he is doing great (probably not) while we are not...worries me. Maybe we aren't doing as well because we are healthy enough to see all the destruction.
Thanks for letting me vent.
AH and I were married for almost 28 yrs (2 children) until a few months ago, when he divorced me. He moved out of our home several years ago however we still did family things and most people did not know we were not living together ;even our family members. He "needed space...I made him drink, the kids made him drink",blah,blah, blah...the usual. He moved the first time for one month;that was all he rented....I told him at the time that if he was still unhappy with me,etc that perhaps it was better he did not move home and also I had some own issues,too. The drinking behavior (it was getting louder and starting to seem violent) needed addressed. He moved back (I am a stay-at-home mom and have been for many years and he runs his own successful business) and then several months later,he moved out and stayed out.
Close to a 2 years later, he announced that he had a life,wanted to go out and "have fun" and wanted a divorce.
Here is where I cringe......when I read about these fine ladies who move out on their own and love their freedom, going out, doing what they want to do,etc....all good things, I know and I do understand what they are saying and why (I guess in someways I am doing some of that myself) ......sometimes I start to hear what my AH said to me...and wonder if it really WAS me and the kids. OK; I know it really isn't like that and on some level he probably does love to drink and "play" without any of the day to day responsiblities of a wife and two teenagers.....to answer to no one...
Anyone else ever feel like this?
I know it wasn't healthy how we were, I know I need to accept the reality that he is an alcoholic even though he denies it and tries to put it all on me, I know I did contribute some to the insanity (like this!) but I know the three c's,etc. Why do I cringe when I read about the people who dumped their AH and feel like I know how the AH feels....?
(Maybe I am just tired;tired of being the one trying to hold the kids and I together why he is out there living his selfish way... having a pity-party. That I can take. Thinking he is doing great (probably not) while we are not...worries me. Maybe we aren't doing as well because we are healthy enough to see all the destruction.
Thanks for letting me vent.
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Posts: 261
I cringe too... sometimes it is so bad that I think that maybe I am exagerating and blowing things out of proportion..... then the next night same thing happens... by morning is is starting to sober up and nice again until after work... we keep doing the same dance around every day. So why do we hang on?
Just dont forget.. He is an Alcholic and will always be. Is he a sobering alcholic? I heard the dry ones are just as bad if not worse???
Just dont forget.. He is an Alcholic and will always be. Is he a sobering alcholic? I heard the dry ones are just as bad if not worse???
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Thanks, Missy...........no: he told my daughter (and me) one day in a heated discussion that he has never stopped drinking (the entire time since he moved out) and he never will. (I told him he needed an assessment and treatment before we would discuss reconciliation...and that was his answer. The only other thing I have said to him since then is that he knows where I stand and if and when he is interested, we will talk then, if I am still interested.)
I know when I see him he is on "good behavior"... I try not to call him, etc.it is just too difficult for me. I know he can "look" good if he needs to for short periods.....he has done it for years. So much so that people think I exaggerated about the drinking and health problems. Our kids know, his doctor knew(so he got a new doctor)...he just stays away from people who know......especially me. I guess that is what hurts the most; he just ran away. That must be why I cringe when I read about people making plans to leave their AH.....all their ducks in a row and walk out the door. That is what HE did and he is the alcoholic. (Just doesn't seem right, but then again addiction isn't about being "fair"). Thanks.
I know when I see him he is on "good behavior"... I try not to call him, etc.it is just too difficult for me. I know he can "look" good if he needs to for short periods.....he has done it for years. So much so that people think I exaggerated about the drinking and health problems. Our kids know, his doctor knew(so he got a new doctor)...he just stays away from people who know......especially me. I guess that is what hurts the most; he just ran away. That must be why I cringe when I read about people making plans to leave their AH.....all their ducks in a row and walk out the door. That is what HE did and he is the alcoholic. (Just doesn't seem right, but then again addiction isn't about being "fair"). Thanks.
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Posts: 261
Originally Posted by Pick-a-name
So much so that people think I exaggerated about the drinking and health problems. Our kids know, his doctor knew(so he got a new doctor)...he just stays away from people who know......(Just doesn't seem right, but then again addiction isn't about being "fair"). Thanks.
Sure wish I could do it..
missy xo
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Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Wishin' I was on the Beach!
Posts: 1,415
That is part of the insanity of the alcoholic & addicts. They blame everyone
else for their drinking/using. Remember the 3 C's... (they still apply to you
even though you weren't the one who left)
1. You didn't Cause it.
2. You can't Control it.
3. You can't Cure it.
I'm sorry you're hurting... it will get better in time.
else for their drinking/using. Remember the 3 C's... (they still apply to you
even though you weren't the one who left)
1. You didn't Cause it.
2. You can't Control it.
3. You can't Cure it.
I'm sorry you're hurting... it will get better in time.
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Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Toronto
Posts: 4
Hey Pick I just read your post and just needed to say that it's not you. He is pretending not to have a problem and being with people that don't know his history. Living in this make believe world that only exists in their minds. No responsabilities. Try to get out of the house and stay active with friends, your kids, volunteer anything to keep your mind full of other things that make YOU happy. I've tried to do the same and it's heart wrenching but the next day always comes and I make a new list for the day and try to cross everything off. Stay busy and always remember your not alone.
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Of course I know how your feeling....
When my ex-abf left me after all the crap I took I could not believe it... I fully expected the relationship to someday die while he was drinking, but for him to get sober and then dump me???? Ouch. Now looking back at my insanity in that relationship I can see Why, he did tell me once that I was a trigger for him... who know, today what I know is that there is a MUCH better life out there.... that his issues go SO deep that even now that he is not drinking it will take years and years for him to come to terms with his issues... I dont need to waste my time working through his issues.
Of course here it is another year and yep.... dumped again. This one did not drink and I thought it would work.... wrong again. Today it hurts too much to look back alot, but I can see my part in the ending of that relationship too.... but at the same time, I did not listen to my "gut" many times and he has the issues. Yes I have things to work on but his leaving the way he did tells me he has some deep issues.... again why should I deal with them.
They might appear happy and maybe they are in the sense that we are happier too. Im happier Im not in the Chaos, I assume they are happier cuz they are with people who "understand" them and not fighting with us.
It is very hard to look at a person everyday and know you are failing them.
*hugs* hang in there.
When my ex-abf left me after all the crap I took I could not believe it... I fully expected the relationship to someday die while he was drinking, but for him to get sober and then dump me???? Ouch. Now looking back at my insanity in that relationship I can see Why, he did tell me once that I was a trigger for him... who know, today what I know is that there is a MUCH better life out there.... that his issues go SO deep that even now that he is not drinking it will take years and years for him to come to terms with his issues... I dont need to waste my time working through his issues.
Of course here it is another year and yep.... dumped again. This one did not drink and I thought it would work.... wrong again. Today it hurts too much to look back alot, but I can see my part in the ending of that relationship too.... but at the same time, I did not listen to my "gut" many times and he has the issues. Yes I have things to work on but his leaving the way he did tells me he has some deep issues.... again why should I deal with them.
They might appear happy and maybe they are in the sense that we are happier too. Im happier Im not in the Chaos, I assume they are happier cuz they are with people who "understand" them and not fighting with us.
It is very hard to look at a person everyday and know you are failing them.
*hugs* hang in there.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Bronx, NY
Posts: 412
Originally Posted by Pick-a-name
Maybe we aren't doing as well because we are healthy enough to see all the destruction.
They say we as the partners have a disease too, right? Our own disease involving denial and having control when we don't? I understand what you said abut knowing how the dumped AHs feel...and maybe this is partly why. Perhaps some of those qualities.... we sort of share with them, and it's a long, difficult road for us to overcome those things too.
Sorry it all hurts so much right now.
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
Pick,
What I hear in your thread is you want to be happy and put yourself first. Is it because when others are able to do that, you are envious?
What do YOU need to do to be happy and give yourself a break and permission to be happy? Give yourself permission to put yourself first
If mom isnt happy, aint nobody happy
when I read about these fine ladies who move out on their own and love their freedom, going out, doing what they want to do,etc....all good things, I know and I do understand what they are saying and why (I guess in someways I am doing some of that myself) ......sometimes I start to hear what my AH said to me...and wonder if it really WAS me and the kids.
What do YOU need to do to be happy and give yourself a break and permission to be happy? Give yourself permission to put yourself first
If mom isnt happy, aint nobody happy
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 2,333
Pick, I think I may be confused but please endulge me.
I thought that you and your H are now divorced.
I know feelings do not stop simply because a piece of
paper says you are no longer married, but if this is so, you
really need to move on with your own life.
It doesn't matter what you think his life is like.
He has moved on and is living it the way he chooses,
and there is nothing you can do about that.
Have you thought about getting a job, part-time or doing
some volunteer work?
Life gets better when you are ready for it to.
I thought that you and your H are now divorced.
I know feelings do not stop simply because a piece of
paper says you are no longer married, but if this is so, you
really need to move on with your own life.
It doesn't matter what you think his life is like.
He has moved on and is living it the way he chooses,
and there is nothing you can do about that.
Have you thought about getting a job, part-time or doing
some volunteer work?
Life gets better when you are ready for it to.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
Dearest Pick, I soo hurt for you and me both. In different ways and different reasons.
My PHD said "Love is Love" I feel it takes a lifetime to forget real love.
As was said on a story of Hank Williams,they divorced, he remarried? (he died, everyone said she was a cold hearted bitch, but someone that knew them both forever said , "She loved Hank till the day SHE DIED".
Hank said, if people asked if he still loved her, he said, "I lied and said No."
If young enough and only married 3 to five years, IMO they can be free to love again. prob within 3 years. Youth is flexable, again MO.
Remember Clancy I, they were seperated 8 years, then got back together.
So if still breathing, there is still hope for the A. However I tried to give up hope of being together,but didn't work.
I am so glad he was in my life. I think of the good and the happy timesand smile.
None of my words or thoughts are going to help. Wish they would, but each love, each loss is different.
Just my thoughts and feelings, but along with heartbreak, our pride is bruised badly. We are jealous, not of the OW, but because he seems attracted to someone else. Fear of the good times never returning. Anger because we are sooo powerless, It is a heavy load.
A good cry helps me.
Enough of my self pity. I must try harder to accept life on life's terms. With death there is no other choice.
I just know I would have never married any other man. I had accepted that, so married or not, I could not replace him.
Some days are better than others, hang on.
My PHD said "Love is Love" I feel it takes a lifetime to forget real love.
As was said on a story of Hank Williams,they divorced, he remarried? (he died, everyone said she was a cold hearted bitch, but someone that knew them both forever said , "She loved Hank till the day SHE DIED".
Hank said, if people asked if he still loved her, he said, "I lied and said No."
If young enough and only married 3 to five years, IMO they can be free to love again. prob within 3 years. Youth is flexable, again MO.
Remember Clancy I, they were seperated 8 years, then got back together.
So if still breathing, there is still hope for the A. However I tried to give up hope of being together,but didn't work.
I am so glad he was in my life. I think of the good and the happy timesand smile.
None of my words or thoughts are going to help. Wish they would, but each love, each loss is different.
Just my thoughts and feelings, but along with heartbreak, our pride is bruised badly. We are jealous, not of the OW, but because he seems attracted to someone else. Fear of the good times never returning. Anger because we are sooo powerless, It is a heavy load.
A good cry helps me.
Enough of my self pity. I must try harder to accept life on life's terms. With death there is no other choice.
I just know I would have never married any other man. I had accepted that, so married or not, I could not replace him.
Some days are better than others, hang on.
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Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: anywhere but here
Posts: 25
Maybe God intervened and took control of the problem for you. Perhaps you didn't have the strength to leave on your own, settled for a lousy relationship and God wanted something better for you and your kids.
I read your post and it seemed to me that you feel badly for the AH when his wife leaves him? Not sure I understand that. Staying with an active alcoholic is sure to cause some serious emotional (if not physical) issues to the "healthy" partner and kids. I wonder if that may have happened to you. I can totally see that you are hurt that he left, of course. Sounds like he did that a long time ago. He was never the kind of husband you deserved to have. Probably did you a huge favor. Anyway, you are deserving of happiness. May not seem possible right now but may want to start building your self-esteem back up and get back in the game.
Keep your chin up and know that HE is the one who's settling...you don't have to unless you choose to! Bless you!
I read your post and it seemed to me that you feel badly for the AH when his wife leaves him? Not sure I understand that. Staying with an active alcoholic is sure to cause some serious emotional (if not physical) issues to the "healthy" partner and kids. I wonder if that may have happened to you. I can totally see that you are hurt that he left, of course. Sounds like he did that a long time ago. He was never the kind of husband you deserved to have. Probably did you a huge favor. Anyway, you are deserving of happiness. May not seem possible right now but may want to start building your self-esteem back up and get back in the game.
Keep your chin up and know that HE is the one who's settling...you don't have to unless you choose to! Bless you!
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Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Where the sun always shines!
Posts: 1,625
I think as CoDe's we do have a tendancy to want to "control" a situation, thus bringing us to the situation where we DO tell our A's "Don't do this, don't do that, don't go here, etc".....BUT we have to remember that we weren't always like that. Certain situations lead a person to become who they are....we are just so involved, we don't see it and get so totally caught up in it. It becomes way of life. So maybe he does feel as though he has more freedom, but sweetie so do you! You no longer have to worry about where he is or isn't. You no longer have to worry about what mood he's going to be in. You are FREE to live your life for YOU now. NOW...What are you going to do about it?? Girls night out
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: nor cal
Posts: 113
What your are feeling is all a part of the process.
My ex ah left and came back a few times, he wanted to go out and have fun. After awhile the fun ended and I took him back. He always said I was the reason he drank, the kids were the reason he drank blah blah.
When he left he would put on this show how well he was doing. WE his family knew the truth and soon the truth was found by out by others.
He has little to no contact with us now because we are the truth. He bounces around to different "arenas" of people, they figure him out and then he blames them and moves on.
So many of his aqaintences have come to me and felt the need to apologize because they never saw the truth until I was out of the picture to cover for him and assume blame.
He got into a relationship with another "me". It broke my heart to see what he was putting this person through. The insanity she was feeling and the lies he was telling her.
He tells my daughter that he just wants to have fun in a relationship and not all the crap that goes with it.
I suggested she tell him to just hire a hooker every weekend. (she is 23) so its not too inappropriate, the father figure image of him left her long ago.
I am told he sits and cries alot because he misses his family and the life he had. People just look at him and scratch there heads.
It does help me to see that no matter what, he is not going to change. I can look at myself now and know that I did everything I could to support and love him but I made the right choice to leave that insanity.
Your ex left you, in a way that was a gift.
My ex was sent to prison for 1 year and even though how tragic that is, that was my gift, my knudge from the big guy to move on.
I slip every now and then and have pity party and then somehow I get a tidbit of information or flash on a memory and turn myself right around and get stronger and the road to move ahead gets clearer.
Sometimes I wonder what those 23 years were all about, I am just thankful for the 3 wonderful kids I have and the opportunity to start a new life.
It is scary at 47, but what choice do I have.
You will be fine, give yourself a chance. What done is done, we may never understand it, but boy did we learn from it.
Take care of YOU.
My ex ah left and came back a few times, he wanted to go out and have fun. After awhile the fun ended and I took him back. He always said I was the reason he drank, the kids were the reason he drank blah blah.
When he left he would put on this show how well he was doing. WE his family knew the truth and soon the truth was found by out by others.
He has little to no contact with us now because we are the truth. He bounces around to different "arenas" of people, they figure him out and then he blames them and moves on.
So many of his aqaintences have come to me and felt the need to apologize because they never saw the truth until I was out of the picture to cover for him and assume blame.
He got into a relationship with another "me". It broke my heart to see what he was putting this person through. The insanity she was feeling and the lies he was telling her.
He tells my daughter that he just wants to have fun in a relationship and not all the crap that goes with it.
I suggested she tell him to just hire a hooker every weekend. (she is 23) so its not too inappropriate, the father figure image of him left her long ago.
I am told he sits and cries alot because he misses his family and the life he had. People just look at him and scratch there heads.
It does help me to see that no matter what, he is not going to change. I can look at myself now and know that I did everything I could to support and love him but I made the right choice to leave that insanity.
Your ex left you, in a way that was a gift.
My ex was sent to prison for 1 year and even though how tragic that is, that was my gift, my knudge from the big guy to move on.
I slip every now and then and have pity party and then somehow I get a tidbit of information or flash on a memory and turn myself right around and get stronger and the road to move ahead gets clearer.
Sometimes I wonder what those 23 years were all about, I am just thankful for the 3 wonderful kids I have and the opportunity to start a new life.
It is scary at 47, but what choice do I have.
You will be fine, give yourself a chance. What done is done, we may never understand it, but boy did we learn from it.
Take care of YOU.
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
Hey Pick, I didn't read the other replies as I wanted to get my thoughts out on this before I got sidetracked, so I apologize if I repeat what has already been said.
I am one of those people that has kicked my AH out - and I have discovered that I like my independance. I also do try to go out and "live", enjoy myself, etc.
Here's the thing though - this is not about AH. It's about ME!
The things that I do now are all things that I should have done before, when AH and I were together. How I feel now isn't because of who AH is, or what he's done, or what he hasn't done. It's about how I feel! It's about finding a part of me that had shut down a long long time ago! And it's about me finding my way.
Interesting enough - my AH was hardly ever home. He was always "out" and there were times that I was so resentful of that. I worked, I took care of the house and kids, etc. I didn't have a life outside this house.
Today - I have more of a life than my AH does. He sits and pouts about how his life has turned out and occassionally goes out and drinks "To relieve stress" he says.
Pick - from where I am sitting - I don't believe for a minute that your AH left because of you or your kids. He left because of how he felt and who he is and his own reasons. Whatever those reasons really are, I don't know, but I believe they are about him - NOT anyone else.
As with most things, I'd not be surprised to find that he's feeling the need to blame others for his decisions just like most A's will place the blame for thier drinking, bad choices, etc. on others so they don't have to face and deal with the truth of the matter.
Hang in there Pick!
I am one of those people that has kicked my AH out - and I have discovered that I like my independance. I also do try to go out and "live", enjoy myself, etc.
Here's the thing though - this is not about AH. It's about ME!
The things that I do now are all things that I should have done before, when AH and I were together. How I feel now isn't because of who AH is, or what he's done, or what he hasn't done. It's about how I feel! It's about finding a part of me that had shut down a long long time ago! And it's about me finding my way.
Interesting enough - my AH was hardly ever home. He was always "out" and there were times that I was so resentful of that. I worked, I took care of the house and kids, etc. I didn't have a life outside this house.
Today - I have more of a life than my AH does. He sits and pouts about how his life has turned out and occassionally goes out and drinks "To relieve stress" he says.
Pick - from where I am sitting - I don't believe for a minute that your AH left because of you or your kids. He left because of how he felt and who he is and his own reasons. Whatever those reasons really are, I don't know, but I believe they are about him - NOT anyone else.
As with most things, I'd not be surprised to find that he's feeling the need to blame others for his decisions just like most A's will place the blame for thier drinking, bad choices, etc. on others so they don't have to face and deal with the truth of the matter.
Hang in there Pick!
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
Well. God would just not bless such a union. This may seem terribly unfair and why should he get to skip off to have fun? Fun? There is a man out there or a plan that God has for your life and that can't Happen while you are yolked to a man who has had all these years of opportunity to make his marriage honorable and enviable. Maybe God said, "Enough". How can the right man come if the wrong one is still in the picture? I'm sory but I just burst out laughing with the visual image that popped into my head. Just what the world needs! Another divorced business man wearing his shirt unbuttoned, weariong a gold chain and reeeeeeeeking of too much cologne! Cant you just see them all lined up at the bar now? God, I hope he isn't balding doing the wrap around thing! You are going to run into him in six months cringe!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Thank you all for your responses. Each one of you have given me something to think about!
I am feeling better today, and one of the reasons I do is because of you!
I got busy yesterday,too...worked out with a trainer (even though I didn't feel like it) and went to my youngest sister's house and babysat for her three kids for dinner and the evening. It was fun to spend the time with them again.
Thanks again to all of you!
I am feeling better today, and one of the reasons I do is because of you!
I got busy yesterday,too...worked out with a trainer (even though I didn't feel like it) and went to my youngest sister's house and babysat for her three kids for dinner and the evening. It was fun to spend the time with them again.
Thanks again to all of you!
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