gypsyrose

Well, AH will have been off the bottle two months this weekend. He's been going to his meetings. He mentioned he's feeling so successful at not drinking that he's starting to question whether or not he's an alcoholic but the people at a meeting reminded him of where he was a couple of months back. I'm thinking, "think whatever you want just keep taking the Antabuse."

He's being a real pain in the @$$ this week. Finding fault with anything and everything I say. I try to keep some distance and then he's there wanting to talk to me about all the things he's stressed out about. And I'm all ears but aware that I'm resenting playing the supportive housewife when he is so NOT supportive. He seems to think that bringing home the paycheck is enough but then... how many times has he complained that he's just a paycheck to me? My response has always been, "well then act like more than just a paycheck."

Another thread asks why we stay with them... Love, glimmers of hope, and the desire for at least the illussion of the perfect life that denial offers... But right this minute... it's for the paycheck. Maybe I'll go shopping tomorrow. Or maybe I'll just soak in a hot tub, drink hot chocolate and read my book. (Anyone else enjoing the "Outlander" series as much as I am)?

I know he's under a lot of stress right now and not just because he's sober for the first time in a couple of decades. But does he have to be so self centered and emotionally manipulative?

gypsyrose

Know what? I'm not convinced he's sober tonight. Perhaps his being a jerk all week and questioning whether or not he's an alcoholic was a red flag. Maybe he hasn't been taking his Antabuse...

I just saw him on the couch. Maybe I'm just being paranoid but he sure looks passed out to me. Maybe he's just tired... I'll know as soon as I kick him off the couch... He's in my spot. It's the only place in this house I can sleep comfortably. What will I do if he's drunk? Things have been going so well... I don't have a plan... yes I do. Go to bank. Take out all the money I can. Pack, put boys in truck and leave at first opportunity. Then what?

He's starting to snore. It sure looks and sounds familiar. I haven't gotten close enough to smell. Can't 'till I'm ready to kick him off the couch and go to sleep. This is so wierd.

Maybe I'm over reacting. So, maybe he slipped. That doesn't mean it's over does it? I mean, he can start over again tomorrow, can't he? But what if he doesn't? He would have been sober two months this weekend. I haven't been at all worried about him drinking this whole time. Maybe he's just really tired. I don't know but I do know I can't live this way forever. His attitude tonight, drunk or sober... This is not the way I want to live.

Okay, If I'm going to leave, it's not going to be to force him to make a choice. I gave him that opportunity once before. No, this time it will be on my terms. When I'm ready. When I've got all my ducks lined up. Time to start planning again. The boys and I leave for our ski lease in December and can stay there through April. He will just be there to visit on weekends. There's no need for me to do anything drastic before the end of Winter. By then I'll have a better picture of what's going on.

Sorry about my drama queenliness here tonight. I'm glad I got my thought out in writing so I'll have it to look back at later. I'm going to sleep. I'll check back in tomorrow.

Zoey

I had this ready then saw your follow up. SO I will send this anyway, I don't know how to cancel.


I am so glad to hear from you, missed you, and wondered how things were going?
Two months is not very long, for some of us our nerve endings are still screaming, anxiety is terrible.
We want our Rx drug sooo bad, we want to relax, we want to feel good. For some of us we have strange aches and pains, so we want it all to stop, in a few more months it will start to clear up if we don't resort to the quick fix.

Must be hard for the non-addict to put up with. Did you read "Under the Influence"? Will he eat protein snacks,

Your question, does he have to be self centered? No!, but most of us are when we are uncomfortable.
I had to accept I was born with a bit of nervousness, but drinking will make it worse tomarrow. The more I drink the worse it will get.
Well it was kill it with drink, then ashamed, but too foggy to feel nervous or to care. Foggy not fun feeling either when you have to go to work and live in the real world.
I have no suggestions or solutions, each situation is different. I do feel it helps to write it out as you did. Come back and vent anytime, it helps us get through things, IMO.
Caring ((HUGS))

Zoey

PS . Dec to April will give you both some time.

Only he can deceide if he wants soberiety bad enough to fight the battle.

I felt he was needing to drink, but some make it past the rough spots.
Sorry you have to go through this.

Pick-a-name

gypsyrose...
ugh.....the "conversations" sound the same...both from my still drinking A as well as lately from my sister (who has been in recovery for the past 16 or so months). Perhaps it has to do with PAWS...

I read something somewhere else that you might consider.I will PM the info to you.

I think it is great that he seems to be trying, although I can understand your frustration. I think it takes them a long time to really start to "get it"....alcoholism is such a self-centered lifestyle that I am sure it will take sometime to really turn that all around.

My husband never has stopped drinking.but even when he "cut down" and acted the way you describe....it angered me on some level more than the full-tilt drinking...at least drunk I could ignore his crap easiers. From what I have read...I think what you are reporting and pretty common,even the norm. Work on your own program and give him as much space as you can..would be my thought.
Does he have a sponsor? Maybe you could suggest he talk some of these things over with the sponsor instead of you....(I know that doesn't mean he WILL! ) Do you have one?

Good luck.I wish you both the best. I would not suggest making any major changes for a bit,either.

Glad you are back and that there has been some progress in your life!

blizzard77

gypsyrose,
Your post exactly what I needed today. I love SR and have recieved so much support and guidance when I felt I had no one to talk to. Lately though I've been feeling really "stupid" for posting. Why? Because AH is sober for 6 almost 7 months now and yet I still find that I'm enduring instead of living my life. He's going through some of the changes you described you AH is having but he WON'T talk to me. He isolates himself from me. I love him and in our situation it's reversed, I'm the paycheck. If I kick him out he has no where to go. His family may take him in but they're a bunch of A's and I'm sure he'd be drinking soon, living with them. I believe in him but I'm being selfish because things aren't going like I THINK they should. He admits to constantly beating himself up over the devastation his drinking has caused others over the years...hence the isolation. He goes to meetings here and there. I don't nag him on that one. If there's one thing I learned from his rehab counsoler was not to do that. I'm greatful he's not drinking but I find myself being appauled with myself because I can't seem to just let go and let things happen at God's pace, not mine. I'm going crazy here and he's not even drinking.
Thanks for sharing

gypsyrose

I'm back. I no longer have internet access on my computer since AH installed internet on the children's computer. I finally gave in and logged in on their computer.

So, I wasn't completely sure about AH drinking Friday night but last night I found AH passed out in the chair at his desk at 2 AM. I could smell him from the door way. This morning, I could smell him across the living room. Yet, I still find it hard to believe.

Yesterday, I counted his Antabuse pills. Codependent and/or information seeking to be able to make informed decisions? I'm not sure. I don't think there's any way he could have so many left since the last perscription was filled. But I suppose I could be wrong. It does look like he took a pill today but then it could have been flushed for all I know.

It's not so much denial as shock. And even though part of me is beyond caring and I am detemined to deal with all this irrational garbage rationally, I still feel sick. Obviously, I'm having some conflicting feelings. Cognitive dissonance sucks.

I haven't confronted him and don't plan to. As long as he's staying out of my face, I'll just live as though he's not a factor in my life. I'll be polite but I won't worry myself with what he's doing or thinking. I told him I'm taking the boys out of town this weekend. Normally, I keep the boys around on the weekend so AH can spend some time with them but there's something educational they want to do and so what if it's not something AH would want to do.

Is it my imagination or is it possible to feel wound up and numb at the same time?

I feel a lot of confusion but a lot detatchment as well. I was always so emotionally dependent on our relationship, I really needed him to love me. He can still manipulate me emotionally but I don't neeed him anymore. Waiting around for scraps of affection like a good little puppy got boring. I'm still capable of enjoying AH when he's in good humor, I'm just not going to go out of my way to find those rare moments. It's kind of sad. I liked being so in love that I thought I couldn't live without him and now I'm not. I still love him, I just don't need him.

I'm also mad but not very. I mean, it's all so predictable, isn't it? Why waste time being mad at him for throwing everything down the toilet when there's nothing that can be done about it?

I don't have to do anything about it. All I have to do is live my life the way I want. If he's bothering me, I'll get away from him. There's a whole world out there for my boys and I to explore.