hi - New here - looking some advice/friendship
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: nireland
Posts: 1
hi - New here - looking some advice/friendship
Hi - I am new on here and thought I would see if anyone can give me some advice - my mother is married to a guy who really drinks heavily from he 1st gets up in the morning until he goes to bed (1-2 bottles of vodak a day, at least). My mum has never drunk in her life but to make matters worth she had an accident a couple of years ago and had to have her leg amputated and he is actually meant to be her carer, but at the moment he has got so bad that she is actually caring for him, she has also this last year been diagnosed with breast cancer and has had her breast removed, chemo and now is going through radiotherapy all of which apparently he can't cope with so he drinks.
I can't say anything incase it upsets her but she has came to me a few times in tears that she can't cope anymore with him, he has actually got to the stage where he has soiled the bed and didn't even know that he had done it and she had to strip the bed and clean it up after him, she has also had to actually bath him as he is not washing himself or anything, we feel that she should leave him but she seems to feel that she can't cope without him because she is disabled but at the moment as I said she is the one doing the caring. He is talking about signing himself in somewhere because he might be drinking too much (understatement of the year) but I have the feeling that this is more about my mum nagging him than him actually wanting to stop, he still will not admit that he is an alcoholic only that he might be drinking too much. Anyone know what I should do? Any advice welcome.
I can't say anything incase it upsets her but she has came to me a few times in tears that she can't cope anymore with him, he has actually got to the stage where he has soiled the bed and didn't even know that he had done it and she had to strip the bed and clean it up after him, she has also had to actually bath him as he is not washing himself or anything, we feel that she should leave him but she seems to feel that she can't cope without him because she is disabled but at the moment as I said she is the one doing the caring. He is talking about signing himself in somewhere because he might be drinking too much (understatement of the year) but I have the feeling that this is more about my mum nagging him than him actually wanting to stop, he still will not admit that he is an alcoholic only that he might be drinking too much. Anyone know what I should do? Any advice welcome.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
norash
It sounds like she would be better off, healthwise, without him, but only she can make that decision.
It is a tragic situation, and sadly not one that you can do much about. Perhaps help her find another place to live, if she chose to move out. And perhaps taking her to an Al-Anon meeting which might help both of you.
Maybe just talk to her and find out what she would really like to do. And then help her if you can.
It sounds like she would be better off, healthwise, without him, but only she can make that decision.
It is a tragic situation, and sadly not one that you can do much about. Perhaps help her find another place to live, if she chose to move out. And perhaps taking her to an Al-Anon meeting which might help both of you.
Maybe just talk to her and find out what she would really like to do. And then help her if you can.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Hello norash.
Welcome to the recovery forum! Unfortunately, just like we can't make someone stop drinking, we can't make someone who is in a codependent in an alcoholic relationship give it up until they are ready. It's okay to tell her how you feel, though. You said you couldn't say anything for fear of upsetting her, but it would be kind to point out that if she "can't cope" she doesn't have to.
Don't get too hung up on labels. Just because her husband says he drinks too much instead of calling himself an alcoholic doesn't mean he can't quit. My dear Dino, who was a crack user and did most of the things that those who admit to being crack addicts do, rejects the term addict entirely. He quit anyway.
Have you thought of attending alanon? Perhaps you could check out a meeting and then invite your mum to go with you. It can be comforting and freeing to know that there are others in the same boat you're in.
Keep posting!
Hugs,
Smoke
Welcome to the recovery forum! Unfortunately, just like we can't make someone stop drinking, we can't make someone who is in a codependent in an alcoholic relationship give it up until they are ready. It's okay to tell her how you feel, though. You said you couldn't say anything for fear of upsetting her, but it would be kind to point out that if she "can't cope" she doesn't have to.
Don't get too hung up on labels. Just because her husband says he drinks too much instead of calling himself an alcoholic doesn't mean he can't quit. My dear Dino, who was a crack user and did most of the things that those who admit to being crack addicts do, rejects the term addict entirely. He quit anyway.
Have you thought of attending alanon? Perhaps you could check out a meeting and then invite your mum to go with you. It can be comforting and freeing to know that there are others in the same boat you're in.
Keep posting!
Hugs,
Smoke
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