So Confused

Well we finally were working thorugh it. Met the family and everything was wonderful. YEt somehow he has gone into this phase he goes through again. He shuts down totally stays in his house reads book after book or plays on the computer. i will be in the same room same house and never says anything to me. I Know this is what happens when he gets overwhelmed. Something happened on friday that was a big decision very emotional and I really needed him he even said he knew he needed to say something buit just right now has nothing to give. Before we tried this again I let go and made new friends and he cam eback for me and now again with this where he shuts me out. He wants to be left alone. I guess I went overboard yesterday and confronted him face to face which I have never done before. I guess I thought I would try something new and he would break and explain it, he said I do not love you I do not wan to be wioth you He claims he is doing me a favor. He was so hurtful and like a whole different person AMAZING!!! A week ago we are talking about our future and children and now this. He syas he set a boundry and I did not stay away, He says he feels nothing it is just black. It is so sad to love him so much and watch this and not know what is the truth. He syas that the closer he gets to someone the further he pushes them away. He has 10 years of sobriety and for the life of me I cannot get him to see. All i asked and I explained to him I know you have to do this and this works for you just help me find a balnce and work through this with me raise your hand tell me your hurt your scared something anything just communicate it to me then shut down if need be. I almost think for a minute i am not hurt because I do not believe it then I am driving down the road crying. I am so confused and numb I do not know what to do or how to get this to a balanced point please any advice

denny57

What do you want him to see?

AH showed me with his actions and behaviors that he wanted a life free of me so I decided to honor that and leave. I got tired of trying to convince an ADDICT what was best for HIM.

IMO one person cannot bring balance to a relationship.

So Confused

THE GOOD!!!! We are fine perfect and all is well until he cannot handle life anymre. We have an amazing connection and yet again the cycle continues and without warning he is gone emotionally. I am by his side good and bad but I do not know what to say or do. I did leave beacuse I loved him enough and he came after me to say it was ok and we could do this. I was moving along fine and now here I am again destroyed because I love him does it get any more sad then falling in love with an addict ?

denny57

Yes, it does. I got sadder the longer I stayed with an addict who was unable to "give" me the good life I wanted. I've learned I can only give that to myself. I also learned I don't do that for myself by banging my head against a wall trying to get an addict to see the good. All my addict saw was the bottle.

And yes, we had plenty of good times. It's a choice. Live the life that encompasses an addict or not.

Good luck to you.

Cynay

Well I can understand the frustration you are feeling.... Im in the process of hurting and healing as well.

For me it was much worse to be in the relationship knowing something was wrong and him not communicating it to me.... it was driving me insane when I would keep digging and still come up with nothing. My ex decided to end the relationship and asked me not to contact him.... I love him enough to respect his wishes and Im slowly discovering that although Im hurting deeply and I dont understand the "whys" of it..... they dont matter.

Today he does not want a relationship with me and that is all I need to know right now... If Im ment to know more then it will come in time. Im working hard to try and keep the focus on me. Even if he did want a relationship I dont know that I would be able to trust that this would not happen again.... I dont want to hurt forever, I want/deserve more then to have to convience a man that we are good together. Like you I thought that our relationship was amazing.... but it takes 2 people and he was not willing.

Im learning to let go.

ASpouse

Sometimes love simply is not enough ..... the person you are seeing at times, when the cycle starts may simply be who he really is and the person you see when things are good is not the person he really is. Seems like you will be coming to a crossroads soon and it will be time to make a very important decision in your life.

It is your choice to be destroyed or not, if you are it is not his fault, it is your own.