LongStrangeTrip

And how?

I think I'm actually feeding it. I don't really sit around thinking all day about everything that has happened over the past month but the second that I do...I feel this rage inside of myself...not just MAD or ANGRY but RAGE.
Like I could rip someone to pieces.

I have to actually take deep breaths and go be alone for a little while and calm down. My heart starts pounding, I feel light headed and then a headache hits.

In a way, I can't wait for this weekend to be over so that I can find a counselor. Maybe I've just been holding so much of it in for so long that it's all just coming up at once over this incident and the fallout.

ICU

LST,

That's the way I used to be. I refer to myself as a 'stuffer'. I stuffed many, many unpleasant feelings not only while I was with my ex, but for years prior. I believe it was a coping mechanism to some degree, and, an inability to find the words to express myself to another degree.

Whatever the reason, I would hold all those 'unpleasant' emotions inside until there was just 'no more room in the inn', then they would just come out...ususally at the most inappropriate time. While they were stuffed inside, they built momentum, and when released, those feelings 'seemed' to be out of proportion to the event I was actually responding to.

With counseling, and reading lots of Melody Beattie codependency books, I've learned to allow myself to feel, whatever it is that I'm feeling, and here's the key...'when I'm feeling it'. If the negative feeling lasts 10 minutes, 10 hours or 10 days, I let myself feel all of it. For someone not used to it, it was pretty scary, and my world seemed so negative and ugly. However, when I got used to feeling and expressing it 'when I felt it', it no longer had the momentum of a volcano. I dealt with whatever was bothering me at the time and it shortened it's duration and sometimes it's intensity.

You have a right to your feelings. We were given the emotion of anger for a reason. It's a signal that something isn't right and needs to change. It's an internal reaction to something external that is bothering us. I would consult with a counselor and talk it through with him/her how to better handle your emotions for each of us is different.

I've also learned, as time went on, to set a limit on my feelings so it doesn't entirely ruin my day. I also journal and say whatever comes to my mind at the time. It's a great release to put on paper (privately) what you are really thinking and feeling. It's a safe release too (provided your words are kept private).

Like you said, going for walks, or perhaps engaging in some other sort of physical activity might also be a good release for you to manage those feelings once they have been acknowledged.

Just remember, it's ok to feel anger. They key is not to stuff it so that it builds and builds and builds. Feel it, acknowledge it, then work through it to let it go. Again, it's a good idea to consult with a counselor. The way I described things worked for me, but, each of us is different.

BTW, after your court hearing....I'd be spitting bullets too!!! And I probably would have run out of paper and pens for all the journaling I would have done. LOL!

Beautiful

BTDT. I walked, too. I walked until I'm sure the community called me Forrest Gump. LOL!

Give yourself time and feel the feelings as they come (like ICU said.)

Also understand that it will take a long time to fully "cleanse".

Take your time and start walkin' as soon as the feelings start. Deep breaths as you walk. Honor your feelings - they deserve space.

Someday the wisdom will replace the rage when you honor yourself in dealing with what's happened. True forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past will somehow be different.

Peace.

fartheralong

Hi LST,

If I never welcomed you, welcome to SR. I've been absent lately. I can SOOOOO relate to this. I hated when he called, but I had to speak to him because of hte boys. Luckily he's away (several hundred miles) so that makes it a heck of a lot easier.

Rage, headaches, yep. Walking is great, cleaning is wonderful too. When I was angry, my house was spotless, I was getting muscle in my legs--it was great. (side effects in that case, not the headaches or shakes) lol.

It did pass--for the most part. I find I guess I've forgiven him, or started to in terms of his drinking and all the messed up chaos there. I'm having a harder time forgiving him for hurting the kids with all this and a much harder time forgiving him for cheating. Call me old fashioned, but somethings I'm just having a hard time 'letting go'. Maybe I'm selfish, I never did like sharing with my sister as a child, perhaps I'd have an issue with 'sharing' my husband, A or not, wiht another owman? ya think? --Sorry, off topic.

other than the cheating bit, which I found out AFTER I filed for divorce in June, I don't know, the anger fades, or it did in my case. When he was here I was angry so much. But now, I'm not. I was for a good bit, and my house misses it--it's a mess. lol.

The grief stage I believe has set in because I feel like I'm wallowing and I so don't have time.

My advice, walk, clean, if you can afford it, join a gym or curves or something, work off some steam. you and your body will thank you. Don't ignore the feeliings though. I tried that. I decided to embrace them. Worked out much better and the headaches were less frequent. And then I worked through them.

Good luck, hang in there and go easy on yourself. I think for some reason (maybe our fast paced society?) we think there should be time tables on this stuff. God knows, I do, but I have to remind myself that everything will happen as it should in it's own time.

Prayers to you,
FA

LongStrangeTrip

Thank you all so much for the words of wisdom as always. I was out all day yesterday at the Renaissance Festival with my daughter. She as I said is a model and was working there for a photographer and we had such a nice time. I was so at ease and just focused on her and helping out.
I peeked in here last night and said thanks but just didn't feel like touching this subject because I felt good for a change.

This morning, he brought our son back and dropped him off and then called me with the ruse of asking about picking our son up from school this week and then starts in on the "I wanna come home" speach. I thought for sure I'd go ballistic but instead, I just said I didn't want to talk about it and that he's not even supposed to be calling me on the house phone and that was that.

I'm calm and dealt well with him today. I guess for "today", I'm good to go.

Thanks again.

StandingStrong

I'm glad you are feeling better.
For me - the anger subsided after it had run it's course. And after I'd learned to accept the "What Is" moreso than what I wanted. And to realize that my expectations caused myself alot of unnecessary grief.
It still comes back to get me sometimes, but I have to catch it and stop it.
remember - this is just another one of those things that take time.