Son got arrested
No More Mrs. Nice Guy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Iowa
Posts: 724
Son got arrested
Hello all
My 18 yr old son was arrested for DUI last night, his first arrest. His 20 yr old brother was in the car with him so was able to "take care" of things. I have a lot of recovery, and when my son called to tell me he was in jail, all I said was , "bummer. You must need to be there." His older brother felt badly since he was drunk too and (1) didnt get caught and (2) had asked the younger to drive because he was less drunk. Older brother found the $$ to bail his younger brother out, borrowed it from a friend. (he expects that I will pay him back, and he has a RUDE awakening there as well)
My question is this: I am not married to their dad anymore, and he is the one who will rescue the son, pay the lawyer, and "make it go away". How can I communicate to the dad that what he is doing is hindering and not helping, and that our son needs to experience his own consequences so that he can find help?????
Any help would be greatly appreciated. I could use some hugs too cuz I'm not nearly as strong as I sound!!
Osier59
My 18 yr old son was arrested for DUI last night, his first arrest. His 20 yr old brother was in the car with him so was able to "take care" of things. I have a lot of recovery, and when my son called to tell me he was in jail, all I said was , "bummer. You must need to be there." His older brother felt badly since he was drunk too and (1) didnt get caught and (2) had asked the younger to drive because he was less drunk. Older brother found the $$ to bail his younger brother out, borrowed it from a friend. (he expects that I will pay him back, and he has a RUDE awakening there as well)
My question is this: I am not married to their dad anymore, and he is the one who will rescue the son, pay the lawyer, and "make it go away". How can I communicate to the dad that what he is doing is hindering and not helping, and that our son needs to experience his own consequences so that he can find help?????
Any help would be greatly appreciated. I could use some hugs too cuz I'm not nearly as strong as I sound!!
Osier59
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Osier,
Is your husband in recovery? Sounds like the answer might be "no". All you can do is tell him how you feel. Are you on friendly terms? Maybe you can at least get him to wait to see if the boys handle it on their own. But if they go to him I bet he will have a hard time saying "no" just because you asked him to. We both know how hard it is to say no to our kids.
I don't think he can "make it go away" Laws are stricter and some things are required...evaluation and DUI school come to mind so your son won't get off entirely. Plus he had to be hauled off and bailed out...not too fun for him I am sure. And instead of paying a fine maybe you can get the ex to agree to let him do community service. That is what we did when the Beav got his first (of many
) Some states or counties (the next county over from us) have manditory jail time even with the first. Laws ARE changing.
Good luck!
JT
Is your husband in recovery? Sounds like the answer might be "no". All you can do is tell him how you feel. Are you on friendly terms? Maybe you can at least get him to wait to see if the boys handle it on their own. But if they go to him I bet he will have a hard time saying "no" just because you asked him to. We both know how hard it is to say no to our kids.
I don't think he can "make it go away" Laws are stricter and some things are required...evaluation and DUI school come to mind so your son won't get off entirely. Plus he had to be hauled off and bailed out...not too fun for him I am sure. And instead of paying a fine maybe you can get the ex to agree to let him do community service. That is what we did when the Beav got his first (of many
) Some states or counties (the next county over from us) have manditory jail time even with the first. Laws ARE changing.Good luck!
JT
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
****{Osier}}}
I'm sending huge hugs and 1000 prayers for you and your sons.
You are usually the one hugging us when our sons get in trouble, so you deserve all the hugs we can dish out.
Now I know it is hard, but you have to believe that somewhere in this mess is some recovery trying to get out. Both these boys have just had another look at where all this takes them. And I agree with you that letting them pay the consequences is the best gift you could give them.
My son goes to court next week to set a trial date, and since he is no longer in program, he may have to go back to jail to wait. In my heart I know that this may be good - it'sbetter than the street right now. It's just those orange jumpsuits that I really hate.
We just have to trust God. So far he has done a fine job just keeping our boys alive. And I have a feeling that he has a plan for each one of them, and who am I to mess with His plan.
Give yourself a hug too Osier, for all the hard work you have done for your boys and for yourself. You deserve the best.
I'm sending huge hugs and 1000 prayers for you and your sons.
You are usually the one hugging us when our sons get in trouble, so you deserve all the hugs we can dish out.
Now I know it is hard, but you have to believe that somewhere in this mess is some recovery trying to get out. Both these boys have just had another look at where all this takes them. And I agree with you that letting them pay the consequences is the best gift you could give them.
My son goes to court next week to set a trial date, and since he is no longer in program, he may have to go back to jail to wait. In my heart I know that this may be good - it'sbetter than the street right now. It's just those orange jumpsuits that I really hate.
We just have to trust God. So far he has done a fine job just keeping our boys alive. And I have a feeling that he has a plan for each one of them, and who am I to mess with His plan.
Give yourself a hug too Osier, for all the hard work you have done for your boys and for yourself. You deserve the best.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
First things first, here's a great big HUG!
As for their Dad, my suggestion is that you just leave it alone and let him do his thing. If he is going to continue to enable your kids, there isn't a whole lot that you can do about that. You can offer your opinions and suggestions, but Dad will do what Dad is going to do.
I'm sure this situation is hurting your heart right now, and I hope that it will somehow lead to a positive outcome.
Another HUG, because two are always better than one.
Peace,
Gabe
I'm sure this situation is hurting your heart right now, and I hope that it will somehow lead to a positive outcome.
Another HUG, because two are always better than one.
Peace,
Gabe
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: California
Posts: 329
I'm saying extra prayers for you and your sons Osier!!
I can only relate to my husband getting arrested for driving drunk.
It must be very hard and I'm sending you HUGS too.
Take care and hope it works out,
matters
****** Osier }}}
I can only relate to my husband getting arrested for driving drunk.
It must be very hard and I'm sending you HUGS too.
Take care and hope it works out,
matters
****** Osier }}}
No More Mrs. Nice Guy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Iowa
Posts: 724
Thanks for all of your kind words.
I am selling our old house that has been rental property for a few yrs now. My sons were both over there yesterday working their butts off hauling and cleaning and moving things for me. They were so helpful and loving.... at times like that it's easy to forget that they are both little ducklings who will most likely grow into great big ducks. I could hear them talking to each other as they carried furniture out, and I swear it sounded like quack quack quack.
I was at peace all day, knowing that you guys were out there loving me through it, and knowing I could come back at the end of the day and get a bit recharged. I guess I'm a bit like my cell phone - if I don't plug in and get recharged, I don't function as well the next day!!
Thanks again. I love you guys!
Osier59
I am selling our old house that has been rental property for a few yrs now. My sons were both over there yesterday working their butts off hauling and cleaning and moving things for me. They were so helpful and loving.... at times like that it's easy to forget that they are both little ducklings who will most likely grow into great big ducks. I could hear them talking to each other as they carried furniture out, and I swear it sounded like quack quack quack.
I was at peace all day, knowing that you guys were out there loving me through it, and knowing I could come back at the end of the day and get a bit recharged. I guess I'm a bit like my cell phone - if I don't plug in and get recharged, I don't function as well the next day!!
Thanks again. I love you guys!
Osier59
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: Faith~Hope~Love
Posts: 963
((((Osier))))
It's those glimpses of the sweet people they are inside the duck disguise that keeps us pulling for them. You will get through this!
Sending you lots of love and prayers.
hugs,
deedee
It's those glimpses of the sweet people they are inside the duck disguise that keeps us pulling for them. You will get through this!
Sending you lots of love and prayers.
hugs,
deedee
Paused
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: ohio
Posts: 322
(((((((OSIER))))))))
MANY MANY HUGS SENT YOUR WAY
last yr we had to call the police on our son
who was out of control and had pushed the
screen door in,what a nightmare to call on
your own (adult) child,thought my heart was
broken forever. but, sometimes you have to do things
that are best for them even though you dont want to.
its hard to watch someone you love suffer the
consequences of their actions , cause and effect.
sounds like you have two hard working boys
that is something to be proud of !
love
liddy
MANY MANY HUGS SENT YOUR WAY
last yr we had to call the police on our son
who was out of control and had pushed the
screen door in,what a nightmare to call on
your own (adult) child,thought my heart was
broken forever. but, sometimes you have to do things
that are best for them even though you dont want to.
its hard to watch someone you love suffer the
consequences of their actions , cause and effect.
sounds like you have two hard working boys
that is something to be proud of !
love
liddy
Paused
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 20
more hugs
(((((osier)))))
I want to send my hugs, too!
I can also relate. My husband got a DUI, and his court date is this Thursday. Don't know what's going to happen because I'm not going with him. With a new job and his moving out, I really don't want to.
His DUI hasn't woke him up, either. He still continues to drink.
As for your ex, I agree to state your opinion and let it go. I think that's all you can do for now.
And, yes, DUI laws are tough. It won't just "go away" this time.
Keep us posted on what happens.
Cindy
I want to send my hugs, too!
I can also relate. My husband got a DUI, and his court date is this Thursday. Don't know what's going to happen because I'm not going with him. With a new job and his moving out, I really don't want to.
His DUI hasn't woke him up, either. He still continues to drink.
As for your ex, I agree to state your opinion and let it go. I think that's all you can do for now.
And, yes, DUI laws are tough. It won't just "go away" this time.
Keep us posted on what happens.
Cindy
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