need help with my family
Paused
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: wilmington, de
Posts: 5
need help with my family
I am having such a hard time with my parents. They hate my husband and never want to see his face again. they donot understand his illness and are not willing to educate themselves on it. They think I am stupid for wanting to stay with him. They say that when he gets out of rehab, if we are together again, then I will be isolating myself from my family. This upsets me so much. I feel like they are trying to make me choose and that is so unfair. I donot want to have a life without love and support from my family, but my husband is my family too. I understand why they are scared, afraid, and hurt; I am too. BUT- I have educated myself and have set boundries fior me. I have told my mom that I have made a desicion that if he does not make it this time, then that is it for us. I don't think she believes me. Yes, in the past I have said things like this, and never followed through, but that was before, when I was ignorant about addiction. I do my meetings and work on me and that is most important. I love my hubbie dearly and want nothing more then for things to work out. It is hard enough without having to hear all kinds of insults from my parents. I am wondering what others have had to go through in regards to thier families. I really need to hear some stories from others to give me an idea of how to go about handeling this.
Also, my hubbie called from rehab yesterday and something about our conversation disturbed me. He just didn't seem like he was getting much out of being there. He says he hayes it there. Originally we though he was going to be there for 90 days and now it looks like they may let him go after 45 days. he says he wants to go back to a halfway house. I fear for him, because I feel his reasoning is wrong. See, he doesn't feel stable enough for a halfway house, but wants to go there because he hates his rehab. Last time he went to a halfway house and was not ready, he relapsed. I know I have no control over if he uses or not, but I still worry. He also said that the counselors at rehab feel that he is only there to get me back and not because he really wants to recover. He says this is not true. I don't know, for some reason or another when talking to him, I felt uneasy and my gut was telling me something was wrong. Maybe I am just paranoid! He is calling me again today around noon and I guess I will see how I feel after that call. He is also not sure if I can come to visits this week, cause his counselors want to keep me from him. I am just all confused now.
was feeling so good for a while and now I feel a big upset brewing. The situation with my parents is aweful and I suppose that is where I need the most help now. Please send me your stories of the reactions you have had with your relatives when decided to stay with your s/o. thanks!
Also, my hubbie called from rehab yesterday and something about our conversation disturbed me. He just didn't seem like he was getting much out of being there. He says he hayes it there. Originally we though he was going to be there for 90 days and now it looks like they may let him go after 45 days. he says he wants to go back to a halfway house. I fear for him, because I feel his reasoning is wrong. See, he doesn't feel stable enough for a halfway house, but wants to go there because he hates his rehab. Last time he went to a halfway house and was not ready, he relapsed. I know I have no control over if he uses or not, but I still worry. He also said that the counselors at rehab feel that he is only there to get me back and not because he really wants to recover. He says this is not true. I don't know, for some reason or another when talking to him, I felt uneasy and my gut was telling me something was wrong. Maybe I am just paranoid! He is calling me again today around noon and I guess I will see how I feel after that call. He is also not sure if I can come to visits this week, cause his counselors want to keep me from him. I am just all confused now.
was feeling so good for a while and now I feel a big upset brewing. The situation with my parents is aweful and I suppose that is where I need the most help now. Please send me your stories of the reactions you have had with your relatives when decided to stay with your s/o. thanks!
Learning to love life...
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 529
Hi Bloogirl,
It must be such a hard situation for you at this time, especially if you have had a close relationship with your parents in the past. My thoughts on this are that you should not have to give them any explanation at all... As long as you are not in any danger for staying with your husband, than your parents need to just "let it be". I wonder... have your parents been the ones you have turned to in the past when things have gotten rough with your A?? perhaps they feel tired of "saving" you and don't really understand the dynamics of the disease of addiction - it can be a scary thing. Maybe it is a good idea to find a better means of support... do you have an alanon sponser?? Even a mental health counsellor... or, of course the good ol' best friend is always a good choice. No matter what happens with your husband and you, don't stop taking care of yourself and finding your OWN recovery
.
Unfortunatly for me, I do not have either of my parents to turn to in my times of need... I never have. My mother left when we were 5 and 6 years old, and now lives in Australia - she has been trying to rekindle a rlationship with us for years now, but she too has hooked up with an A, and he is abusive as well - so she is "trapped". My father raised us and did the best he could but was never there for us emotionally - he too has left the country in search of "better" things... hmmmmm, do ya think he left the BEST things behind or what?!! Yes, I am bitter... LOL. Anyhow, my point is that I urge you to be thankful that your parents have a place in your life at all... hopefully, as things progress you and they will find a way to sortit all out.
Take care,
Meg
It must be such a hard situation for you at this time, especially if you have had a close relationship with your parents in the past. My thoughts on this are that you should not have to give them any explanation at all... As long as you are not in any danger for staying with your husband, than your parents need to just "let it be". I wonder... have your parents been the ones you have turned to in the past when things have gotten rough with your A?? perhaps they feel tired of "saving" you and don't really understand the dynamics of the disease of addiction - it can be a scary thing. Maybe it is a good idea to find a better means of support... do you have an alanon sponser?? Even a mental health counsellor... or, of course the good ol' best friend is always a good choice. No matter what happens with your husband and you, don't stop taking care of yourself and finding your OWN recovery
.Unfortunatly for me, I do not have either of my parents to turn to in my times of need... I never have. My mother left when we were 5 and 6 years old, and now lives in Australia - she has been trying to rekindle a rlationship with us for years now, but she too has hooked up with an A, and he is abusive as well - so she is "trapped". My father raised us and did the best he could but was never there for us emotionally - he too has left the country in search of "better" things... hmmmmm, do ya think he left the BEST things behind or what?!! Yes, I am bitter... LOL. Anyhow, my point is that I urge you to be thankful that your parents have a place in your life at all... hopefully, as things progress you and they will find a way to sortit all out.
Take care,
Meg
Member
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: georgia
Posts: 531
Hey Bloogirl, I wish I could give you a great big hug. I know what you are feeling! Although I haven't been put "over a barrell", my mother doesn't invite my husband anymore. She is supportive of me, but it is still very hard to realize that every holiday and every special occasion that there is going to be tension. My Mother has been re-married for 14 years. (parents divroced in 1986) She married a great man, but not very understandind as to why I don't leave. I always tell my Mom everything, so it has put her in a bad postion with him. She conceals for me, although I don't aske her to that is her choice.
A couple of years ago we (husband, kids, self) went to their house for Memorial Day to cook out and go boating. My husband began drinking and didn't stop. He switched from beer to liquor and things went from bad to worse. Mom asked her husband to tell him that dinner was ready. Apparently he (my hubby) acted like a smart **s to him (Mom's hubby) so Mom's hubby called my hubby a drunk. My hubby retaliated by throwing a drink at him and then it came to blows! It was ugly! My kids saw the whole thing! I ended up sneaking the kids out in the middle of the night and going home, and advising my Mom to lock him in the basement (thats where we were sleeping) and call security if the needed or the police.
So no matter how much Mom "understands", my relationship with them will never be the same. It makes me feel like a fool to stay and ridiculous to even bring up anything good that he ever does. I always thinkg that she thinks I am trying to win her over and show her what a good guy he is. That definately isn't because I quit covering up a long time ago, but I still FEEL that way and that makes things very difficult!
You can make it through! Good luck and lots of hugs.
A couple of years ago we (husband, kids, self) went to their house for Memorial Day to cook out and go boating. My husband began drinking and didn't stop. He switched from beer to liquor and things went from bad to worse. Mom asked her husband to tell him that dinner was ready. Apparently he (my hubby) acted like a smart **s to him (Mom's hubby) so Mom's hubby called my hubby a drunk. My hubby retaliated by throwing a drink at him and then it came to blows! It was ugly! My kids saw the whole thing! I ended up sneaking the kids out in the middle of the night and going home, and advising my Mom to lock him in the basement (thats where we were sleeping) and call security if the needed or the police.
So no matter how much Mom "understands", my relationship with them will never be the same. It makes me feel like a fool to stay and ridiculous to even bring up anything good that he ever does. I always thinkg that she thinks I am trying to win her over and show her what a good guy he is. That definately isn't because I quit covering up a long time ago, but I still FEEL that way and that makes things very difficult!
You can make it through! Good luck and lots of hugs.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: New York
Posts: 211
My parents are both alcoholics. Dad hasn't had a drink in years but mom drinks more than her share (and doesn't admit that she has a problem). Well, they live 3 miles away from me and Mom is my best friend.
At family gatherins Mom usually is drunk before dinner is served so she doesn't eat much (basically picks at her food). Almost as soon as dinner is over Dad covers for her and says "mom's tired we have to go home now" or "It's time we went home to feed the dog". My husband gets angry with how my mother acts.
My husband doesn't usually drink much during the family gatherings. He paces himself and drinks the most after everyone leaves. He also binge drinks (I think that he can be considered a binge drinker). When I am upset with what he is doing to himself and us (myself, our children and our relationship) I call Mom. I know I shouldn't. Sometimes I talk to Dad. I don't want his advise because I can't believe he has put up with her drinking all these years.
I have been trying to break the cycle of talking to my Mom because she thinks I am being too hard on my husband. She actually offers him a drink when we go over to her house (which makes me CRAZY!).
AlAnon and this site have helped me to talk about and express my feelings. So I don't need to call Mom when things are bad.
Try not going to your parents with you problems if you have in the past. They are just trying to protect you. They probably think by causing you to choose they are 'saving' you.
Good luck!
NoDoubt
At family gatherins Mom usually is drunk before dinner is served so she doesn't eat much (basically picks at her food). Almost as soon as dinner is over Dad covers for her and says "mom's tired we have to go home now" or "It's time we went home to feed the dog". My husband gets angry with how my mother acts.
My husband doesn't usually drink much during the family gatherings. He paces himself and drinks the most after everyone leaves. He also binge drinks (I think that he can be considered a binge drinker). When I am upset with what he is doing to himself and us (myself, our children and our relationship) I call Mom. I know I shouldn't. Sometimes I talk to Dad. I don't want his advise because I can't believe he has put up with her drinking all these years.
I have been trying to break the cycle of talking to my Mom because she thinks I am being too hard on my husband. She actually offers him a drink when we go over to her house (which makes me CRAZY!).
AlAnon and this site have helped me to talk about and express my feelings. So I don't need to call Mom when things are bad.
Try not going to your parents with you problems if you have in the past. They are just trying to protect you. They probably think by causing you to choose they are 'saving' you.
Good luck!
NoDoubt
Paused
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: wilmington, de
Posts: 5
constant - seems like you and I are in the same boat regarding our parents. My main scene with my hubbie and my family was at our wedding! My hubbie attacked my father, windows were smashed, and blood drawn. Kev went to jail for four days over that. Nice way to stary a marraige eh? My parents forgave him after that because he said he would get help. He lied to us all, and added rugs to the drinking. This is why they hate him so much. They forgave him the first time over thier better judgment and they feel he threw it in thier faces. I understand how they feel, but they need to know and understand that he is sick!
I guess I should definatly not tell them what is happening with him. I know what you mean about sharing good news about your hubbie with your parents. They make me feel the same way like I am trying to prove what a good guy he is. I hate that. My mom always said she loved Kev like he was her own, so I asked her that if this was my brother who had the problem would she want nothing to do with him. Of course not she says. So I say then how can you say you ever loved Kev like he was your own? it is all so frustrating. I thought about writing a big long letter to my parents expressing all my feelings, since talking usually leads to arguing.
I guess I should definatly not tell them what is happening with him. I know what you mean about sharing good news about your hubbie with your parents. They make me feel the same way like I am trying to prove what a good guy he is. I hate that. My mom always said she loved Kev like he was her own, so I asked her that if this was my brother who had the problem would she want nothing to do with him. Of course not she says. So I say then how can you say you ever loved Kev like he was your own? it is all so frustrating. I thought about writing a big long letter to my parents expressing all my feelings, since talking usually leads to arguing.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: georgia
Posts: 531
What a scene! When you write it down, do you have trouble believing that it happened? It all seems so ridiculous that I can't believe it ever happened! Of course there have been MANY other things, but that was the back breaker!
Ya know what I have tried with my Mom is telling her the things I have learned through this site and co-depency books. I know she would love for me to leave him, but I have explained at this point in time I believe that it would do more damage to our family than good. I still feel like if I can get myself "right" that our family can function and be happy. She is trying to understand, but as I said before he generally is not invited to come. I don't mean that she says he can't come, we just don't "beg" him to since generally he doesn't want to anyway. I think he feels inferior around her knowing the things she know about him. I make my plans to go and see her (with the kids of course) advise him of what is going on and if he shows interest I say that he can come if he wants, but I am going regardless! She still thinks that if he comes that they have to alter their drinking habits. I've tried to tell her, that if he wants to he will regardless if she is or not , or if she approves or not, but that one hasn't gotten through yet.
Keep working with them. Your family is the only one you've got and they are very special. I am sure that they mean well and hate seeing you hurt! I know I would be devasted if my daugther was dealing with things I have delt with! Give them time and always remember prayer, it is a powerful tool!
Have a great weekend! Hope Saturday goes well you'll be in my thoughts.......Constant
Ya know what I have tried with my Mom is telling her the things I have learned through this site and co-depency books. I know she would love for me to leave him, but I have explained at this point in time I believe that it would do more damage to our family than good. I still feel like if I can get myself "right" that our family can function and be happy. She is trying to understand, but as I said before he generally is not invited to come. I don't mean that she says he can't come, we just don't "beg" him to since generally he doesn't want to anyway. I think he feels inferior around her knowing the things she know about him. I make my plans to go and see her (with the kids of course) advise him of what is going on and if he shows interest I say that he can come if he wants, but I am going regardless! She still thinks that if he comes that they have to alter their drinking habits. I've tried to tell her, that if he wants to he will regardless if she is or not , or if she approves or not, but that one hasn't gotten through yet.
Keep working with them. Your family is the only one you've got and they are very special. I am sure that they mean well and hate seeing you hurt! I know I would be devasted if my daugther was dealing with things I have delt with! Give them time and always remember prayer, it is a powerful tool!
Have a great weekend! Hope Saturday goes well you'll be in my thoughts.......Constant
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
