I hit him!

Old 03-06-2003, 06:45 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: georgia
Posts: 531
I hit him!

OK, I thought I was doing pretty good with my recovery until this afternoon. I spoke to my husband at 2pm to make sure he would be home for my son to get of the bus. He said that he would, but I could tell by the back ground noise that he was in a bar type establishment. (having lunch, lol) I blew it off and didn't even worry about. My son is 11 and capable of coming in by himself, I did check to make sure he was home when the 7 year old arrived and he was.

When I got home everything was fine. I unloaded groceries and then went to tell 11 year old to get ready for soccer. My husband then informs me that he is going to ANOTHER bar type place for dinner and he can't keep the other 2 children while I go to practice. Usually this wouldn't be that major, but we have had tons of rain and I knew it would be mud hole. I got the kids ready and then he says the guy cancelled (that he was meeting) and that he could keep the children. (not that he wanted to change his plans, but the other guy left him high and dry) So as we discussed dinner etc., he took a rubber band and popped my left boob with it. It really hurt, plus I was already holding back my anger towards him. Well when I felt the pain he must have realized it because tensed up as if he knew what I was going to do. I didn't even think about it, it just happened. I balled my fist and punched him repeatedly in the arm. (my kids were watching, how horrible!) Then I told the kids to get ready they were all going because their father was obviously not responsible enough to take care of them right now. We left.

Now, I don't feel bad about anything other than my kids witnessing the event, and his actions showed me that he wasn't sober enough to be here with a 2 and 7 year old! But I am supposed to be detaching, focusing on myself, working on my recovery and I had a total relapse! I haven't reacted towards him like that in a very long time. (years and years before I even realized what the problem was) What is going on? Just a slip as he would put it, but I hope that I am not regressing back into old patterns. God knows I don't want to be there again.

Anyway just trying to regroup and focus back on myself and the children. Tomorrow is a new day and I will begin again and try to put this event behind me. The good news is I don't feel the least bit angry anymore, just amazed that he still doesn't see it!!!!
constant is offline  
Old 03-06-2003, 07:44 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Ann
Nature Girl
 
Ann's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Constant

Even though it was not a good thing to do, I would probably have done the same thing, and my recovery is just fine thank you .

If anyone hit me, my reaction would be to hit back - probably not a wise thing, but my reaction none the less. I am lucky that nobody hits me.

Maybe setting a new boundary - no hitting, elastic snapping or other forms on inflicting pain.

But don't be too hard on yourself - this program is about progress not perfection and I think you are doing a great job!!
Ann is offline  
Old 03-06-2003, 07:50 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
smoke gets in my eyes's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Hi Constant.

I'm not sure I'd call that a relapse. Response, maybe.

But kidding aside, that's a little scarey. Maybe it scares me because I was there myself and I'm wondering if you're there for the same reason. Dino didn't pop me with a rubber band, he was just doing his snot nose brat routine for the umpteenth time that week and I (also without thinking) hauled off and backhanded him. In the car. On the interstate. At 70 mph. I was driving.

Maybe it's not on the surface at the moment, but if you're punching people, you're angry. Letting go of anger doesn't mean pushing it into the back of your mind and letting it build up until it sends your fist flying. I tried to attain a pose of serenity when I was still boiling over underneath. It came out in unpredictable and violent ways. I had to let go of my ivory image of what recovered meant. There are just things that **** me off. That's going to have to be okay because that's the way it is. The trick for me has been to let the aggravations out as they occur. I don't mean having yelling matches. For me it's coming here and spewing for awhile. It's much easier to get over the current miffing if the last one has been dealt with. It's shorter. It doesn't go as deep. Now it's "I get angry" not "I AM angry".

For me, where anger is concerned, "fake it till you make it" was a very dangerous approach. It made me into a time bomb. I guess if I were to make a little slogan for myself it would be "Don't fake it, free it."

Hugs,
Smoke
smoke gets in my eyes is offline  
Old 03-07-2003, 03:43 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: georgia
Posts: 531
Smoke, your so right! I have tons of anger and resentment lying just under the skin. Until yesterday I have kept it at bay, or talked with my good friend or come here. I can't seem to let go of the hurt/anger! I am a very matter of fact type person. If something is a problem, change it! If what I do hurts someone elses feeling, well then I try to do something about it so it doesn't happen again. BUT HE/THEY just keep doing the same ***t over and over hurting everyone around them, ruining great an otherwise great relationship without regard to anyone else's feelings. I DON'T GET IT!! **LL Ya I am mad at him and at me for getting myself into this mess AND THREE kids. I stress everyday that they will carry on the cycle. I feel like I have the wieght of the world on me to do ALL the RIGHT things so THEY DON'T end up like me or their father. How do you do that? What do you say? I try and try to be level headed, but fear and anger always take over.

He is supposed to leave today to go fishing at a lake in south GA and spend the night. He mentioned taking the boys too. Hope that he does, I really need the time to myself. (Maybe I'll go visit my Mom at another lake!) The friend that he is going with is a recovering addict. Sober for 10+ years, but as you might guess their relationship is rocky.

Thank Anns, you always seem so tranquil and calming! Wish I could be like that. Maybe one day!
constant is offline  
Old 03-07-2003, 07:23 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Morning Glory
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
My son blamed me one to many times for his father's suicide and I lost total control. Not only did my anger toward my son spill out, but my anger toward his father too.

My reaction was to say, "You want to see what your father did to me?" and I started beating him up. I am lucky my son didn't beat the hell out of me after that. He was drunk when that happened. I knew then that I had reached my limit. I also know that I could do the same thing again.

I have issues. I've never hit my kids like that before. I spanked them, but never lost control until that day not too long ago.

I know that I can't be placed in that postition again. I never said anything about it here because I was so ashamed of what happened. The awful thing is that I still have the anger and I know I could lose it again.

It just shows me that I have more to work on. I still have some "skeletons in the closet". My son knows every button to push and he pushes them. Everytime something like this happens it just makes me want to work harder to fix it. I can't fix it and that hurts. It will take both of us to fix it and he can't get past blaming for everything wrong in his life. I guess maybe I feel like I am to blame or it wouldn't affect me so badly.

You're not alone Constant.
Thanks for listening.

Hugs,
MG
 
Old 03-08-2003, 04:11 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Paused
 
faithinbrian's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: michigan
Posts: 33
Constance you are definitely not alone out there, I also had an experience that I wish my son had not witnessed, and I also stress everyday about my son following in his dads footsteps so to speak, but out of the bad, I have to hope there is some good that will come of it, and some did right away, thank god. My son had to see his dad knock his stepmom down the porch stairs and when his step mom ended up bringing my son home afterward becuase he no longer even wanted to be around his dad, his dad called the next day to make amends and acted as like nothing had happened, sounds familiar to alot of you I am sure. I was sooooooo mad, the events that led up to our divorce my son is to young to remember much of it another thing I thank god for, and also sometimes I wonder if I have set the best example for my son, with the trouble some relationships I have been through, but as he gets older I see him grow in so many positive ways, that I have to hope that all of these things he has had to endure has brought some insights into his life and he carries them with him , so as try and not make the same mistakes , we can only hope and pray.
faithinbrian is offline  
Old 03-08-2003, 04:26 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Paused
 
faithinbrian's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: michigan
Posts: 33
The positive outcome I spoke of in my last post, about what my son had witnessed, was when my ex called to make amends about his drunken state and actions and he said " so whats up and I said well I guess I could ask you the same thing and he just commented, "well I guess I just have to realize that I cant drink,I said well ya THINK? well the comments I made after didnt help out any, but the comments my son made DID. My son got on the phone and his dad pleaded for him to come back over, and my son said I dont think so dad, I am mad at you for doing that, I dont want you to ever drink again, and his dad said "ok" and my son said "NO" dad I dont just mean when I come back over I mean forever, and If you do I wont ever come and see you again, because that just isnt right what you did, and that come from a preteen at the time. I was very proud of my son, for sticking to his guns, and as far as I know his dad has not touched a drop since. It was hard to stand back and watch him go through that again and this time he would remember. He then asked me if that was the same thing his dad had done to me, because I always tried not to speak ill of his father in front of him, his dad would go through bouts of drinking and then he would come clean after something bad would happen, and so I thought someday if he finally see's the light then my son dont need to know about the bad events that happened, and if his dad continues on his distructive behavior then his son will see him for what he really is because of his drinking, with his own two eyes, not because it came from my mouth , because of anger. Sorry for this being so long , I just had to vent.
faithinbrian is offline  
Old 03-08-2003, 06:30 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
JT
Supply Manager
 
JT's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
I have to agree with Smoke on this one.

The one thing that REALLY bugs me at this point in my recovery is not being heard.

Not that long ago..maybe a year...I must have been trying to 'splain something to Ward and he was sitting in a chair watching TV with his back to me. He called me Sybil and started acting like he was flipping back and forth between personalities with this head motion going on. ( I am lauphing so hard...you HAD to be there) Anyway I walked up behind him and slapped him on the back of his offending head.

He is a big man...but he IS quick! He laughed about it after the initial shock...we were both shocked that I even did it!

Seriously tho...when I being mocked or made fun of or in anyway being condecended to there is something in me the rears up. I usually can anticipate his response...plus as I have mentioned before he IS beginning to evolve...so this doesn't come up as often.

You do need to deal with your anger for you and for your children.
Write it all out in a journal...share it here and at meetings. You can do it!

Hugs,
JT
JT is offline  
Old 03-08-2003, 09:28 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Morning Glory
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
JT,

ROFLMAO!!!!!
 
Old 03-08-2003, 10:12 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Paused
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Queens, NY
Posts: 6
Hi everyone, I can totally relate to you! I am not proud to admit that I have hit my husband on several occasions. One time he was so out of it, he literally didn't know what hit him! I too am in a constant struggle with my anger; (my pastor's wife calls it "righteous anger!") It's funny how the sober, clean spouses are the ones that sometimes look like the maniacs! I am from far a "rageaholic", but I do feel angry a lot of the time. I am ashamed to say that many times I take my anger out on my precious, seven year old daughter. I don't hit her, but I do answer her sharply, or have little or no patience for normal childhood behavior many times. What happens then is that not only am I angry with my husband, but also with myself for being so nasty. I do pray everyday and God does help me when I allow him to. I'm just so furious and devastated that my husband has gotten us all into this situation. I'm so grateful that I'm not alone anymore, and you are all such a help to me because you actually know what it's like to live this life. God Bless You. Faithful
Faithful is offline  
Old 03-08-2003, 12:01 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: georgia
Posts: 531
Thank you everyone for your sharing your experiences! and faithinbrain, I am so encouraged by your sons actions I just can't tell you how wonderful it was to read that. I know that it stemmed from a bad thing, but is gives me hope that my children could see truth and do the right thing on their own. I also try VERY hard not to bad mouth their father. I don't believe that is the way to handle it.

This experience and y'alls responses have helped me to see how much anger I still carry around. I am going to dig out some old books and start re-reading. I HAVE to figure out how to let go!!! Wish the answers were easy, but I know that they are not and it takes time.

I have also recently recognized that he speaks down to me a lot of the time and I never realized it!! Now when I catch it, my temper goes boiling. Not only that he speaks to me that way, but I LET him. He loves to "tease", but often he does it and doesn't realize until I snap back. Not a healthy thing I know. Small steps forward everday, 1st I notice, now figure out what to do about it.

Thanks again to everyone. Hope that everybody is having a good weekend. I plan on spending my evening with my two boys and two of their friends at the movies. It ought to be a blast. (my toddler is spending the night w/grand-ma)

Blessings to all Constant
constant is offline  
Old 03-08-2003, 04:22 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Paused
 
faithinbrian's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: michigan
Posts: 33
Hi Everyone,
Hope everyone is having a good weekend, I knew I wasnt alone in my anger, but its so helpful to read these posts, I thank God everyday for finding this place, it has helped me so much. Thanks again everyone.

Constant, that is all we can do is hope and pray that the unpleasant things that our children see, that they learn that its not the right thing to do. I'm glad you received some encouragement, its not easy trying not to think about our own children going through this when they grow up, and in there own relationships.
faithinbrian is offline  
Old 03-10-2003, 07:40 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Paused
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Auburn KY
Posts: 5
Can I recommend a book?

The Dance of Anger, by Harriet Lerner, PhD

I found this book on a shelf in a shelter for battered women in which I was living. It was life changing for me. I had spent most of my life denying my anger and this book let me know I had every right to be mad and put into words feelings that I was not owning. I think I'll begin re-reading it today.

Thank you, everybody for baring your souls here.

Susanna
OSusanna is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 01:26 PM.