Update (it's been a while)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 2
Update (it's been a while)
Hi, I posted here a couple weeks ago, basically ranting about my alcoholic boyfriend. I haven't posted since but still read the board here and there (although its pretty time-consuming). I wanted to post again.
Last time I wrote my on-and-off alcoholic boyfriend was about to leave the country for a few weeks. Now he is due home in a few days.
Right before he left we had been in a fight, and I felt pretty sure that I just wanted him to be gone so I could have a break from the insanity. We talked before he left and basically said we were both pretty pissed off at each other (I thought my reason was a good one and his was stupid). I told him that I thought we should both do some thinking while he was away, and that I had decided that I didn't want to go on in the realtionship unless things were going to change, and that if they were going to stay the same I had no desire to continue because I wasn't happy for so long. His response was "let's just not fight till I leave." Typical random statement having nothing to do with what I said.
So when he left I didn't expect to hear from him, since there was no phone in the house he was staying at and it's so much money to call from Holland. But he basically called every other day from the phone box down the street and emailed me on the days he didnt call, which surprised me. But of course it also got my hopes up. Then last Saturday he called, drunk, the middle of the night his time. That was the last time I have heard from him. Now it is Thursday. I basically came to the conclusion (assumed, which I know I'm not supposed to be doing) that he got drunk and cheated on me. I had told him before he left that no matter what, if he got drunk and fell into bed with another woman while he was away that I absolutely did not want to hear from him. And after the last time I spoke to him the phone calls and emails stopped abruptly, so I automatically assumed that was why.
I beat myself up for even answering his phone calls or even being happy that he did call. IÕve been beating myself up for the past year and a half of taking him back, forcing myself to believe his lies, and goign against my own morals to stay with him. I realize that I am aware of what IÕm doing and that itÕs wrong but still manage to keep doing it. It hurts like hell. I canÕt believe how much control I let him have over me! Someone at a meeting told me that IÕm not a victim. I donÕt feel that I consider myself one. I donÕt really feel sorry for myself, except that I wonder why I would continually make bad decisions. I realize that I decieve myself just as much as he decieves me. I tell myself when he does something awful that IÕm really done this time; itÕs different than all the other 5479054 times I was Òdone,Ó etc., and then I always seem to fall right back into it. Will power, going to meetings, stubbornness... nothing seems to work ultimately. I always go back. I guess the best thing that I can tell myself is that I am recovering a little bit at a time, and that itÕs a long and slow process and that just because I still go back to him doesnÕt mean that I havenÕt come a long way. I certainly have different boundaries now. He used to just go out all night and stop by my house drunk at 4 am. No way in hell would he do that now. I know that is because I put my foot down 100% on that one. But I still have a long way to go. In my opinion, if I had real boundaries, for myself and others, I wouldnÕt talk to him ever again. ItÕs like I have these ideals for myself, that in my head I would take nothing less than a boyfriend who treated me perfectly. Then I lower my expectations to kaka and end up with this drunk guy who makes me nuts and I beat myself up for not having better standards. Like in my head I believe that IÕm deserving of something really good, because I know I am, but then I go out and accept a lot less than that.
ItÕs crazy making!
To top it all off, just as IÕm writing this I get an email from him, like heÕs freakin reading what IÕm writing on my computer. ÒHow come you havenÕt written? Are my emails coming through?Ó etc. In all honesty I donÕt know if heÕs just making up lies and excuses or if itÕs the truth. I know it could be either. No matter what I start to believe I find a way to talk myself out of it. You think a normal person would just get bored with having to wonder whatÕs going on inside someoneÕs head and leave! But I guess IÕm not normal and thatÕs why IÕm in al-anon.
The other thing that gets me is this sort of irony thatÕs like, well youÕre not supposed to take it personally when an alcoholic hurts you because heÕs sick. But youÕre also supposed to have boundaries. So I always try to have boundaries, and then go Òwell heÕs just sick, itÕs not like he really meant itÓ and then I let down my guard too much. I know there is supposed to be a balance but itÕs hard to really grip it. I want to let him be the way he is, but at the same time have my boundaries but I always seem to get it backwards.
I went to a meeting last night and a woman was there for her second ever meeting, and when they asked her if she wanted to share she just said no because she was hoarse from screaming all night and had said some things she wished she hadnÕt said. Then she burst out crying. I suddenly remembered myself being in that state not too long ago. I remembered the time I had punched out my living room window in a rage (and how shocked I was!). It was as if I had completely forgotten about it until I saw her in that state, and then I remembered it as if it had just happened yesterday. It was so sad to see her suffering, but it also made me realize that IÕve come to a point where I would never get that upset over someone else again, to where I couldnÕt speak from screaming all night. I knew it was because I have been in al-anon.
Anyway, I always seem to post like 50 pages at a time! IÕm sorry for going on and on and on. I still get nervous speaking at meetings and seem to stumble on my words, so I guess when IÕm able to look at what I say before I post it I really take off. IÕm glad this forum is here. Thanks
Cameron
Last time I wrote my on-and-off alcoholic boyfriend was about to leave the country for a few weeks. Now he is due home in a few days.
Right before he left we had been in a fight, and I felt pretty sure that I just wanted him to be gone so I could have a break from the insanity. We talked before he left and basically said we were both pretty pissed off at each other (I thought my reason was a good one and his was stupid). I told him that I thought we should both do some thinking while he was away, and that I had decided that I didn't want to go on in the realtionship unless things were going to change, and that if they were going to stay the same I had no desire to continue because I wasn't happy for so long. His response was "let's just not fight till I leave." Typical random statement having nothing to do with what I said.
So when he left I didn't expect to hear from him, since there was no phone in the house he was staying at and it's so much money to call from Holland. But he basically called every other day from the phone box down the street and emailed me on the days he didnt call, which surprised me. But of course it also got my hopes up. Then last Saturday he called, drunk, the middle of the night his time. That was the last time I have heard from him. Now it is Thursday. I basically came to the conclusion (assumed, which I know I'm not supposed to be doing) that he got drunk and cheated on me. I had told him before he left that no matter what, if he got drunk and fell into bed with another woman while he was away that I absolutely did not want to hear from him. And after the last time I spoke to him the phone calls and emails stopped abruptly, so I automatically assumed that was why.
I beat myself up for even answering his phone calls or even being happy that he did call. IÕve been beating myself up for the past year and a half of taking him back, forcing myself to believe his lies, and goign against my own morals to stay with him. I realize that I am aware of what IÕm doing and that itÕs wrong but still manage to keep doing it. It hurts like hell. I canÕt believe how much control I let him have over me! Someone at a meeting told me that IÕm not a victim. I donÕt feel that I consider myself one. I donÕt really feel sorry for myself, except that I wonder why I would continually make bad decisions. I realize that I decieve myself just as much as he decieves me. I tell myself when he does something awful that IÕm really done this time; itÕs different than all the other 5479054 times I was Òdone,Ó etc., and then I always seem to fall right back into it. Will power, going to meetings, stubbornness... nothing seems to work ultimately. I always go back. I guess the best thing that I can tell myself is that I am recovering a little bit at a time, and that itÕs a long and slow process and that just because I still go back to him doesnÕt mean that I havenÕt come a long way. I certainly have different boundaries now. He used to just go out all night and stop by my house drunk at 4 am. No way in hell would he do that now. I know that is because I put my foot down 100% on that one. But I still have a long way to go. In my opinion, if I had real boundaries, for myself and others, I wouldnÕt talk to him ever again. ItÕs like I have these ideals for myself, that in my head I would take nothing less than a boyfriend who treated me perfectly. Then I lower my expectations to kaka and end up with this drunk guy who makes me nuts and I beat myself up for not having better standards. Like in my head I believe that IÕm deserving of something really good, because I know I am, but then I go out and accept a lot less than that.
ItÕs crazy making!
To top it all off, just as IÕm writing this I get an email from him, like heÕs freakin reading what IÕm writing on my computer. ÒHow come you havenÕt written? Are my emails coming through?Ó etc. In all honesty I donÕt know if heÕs just making up lies and excuses or if itÕs the truth. I know it could be either. No matter what I start to believe I find a way to talk myself out of it. You think a normal person would just get bored with having to wonder whatÕs going on inside someoneÕs head and leave! But I guess IÕm not normal and thatÕs why IÕm in al-anon.
The other thing that gets me is this sort of irony thatÕs like, well youÕre not supposed to take it personally when an alcoholic hurts you because heÕs sick. But youÕre also supposed to have boundaries. So I always try to have boundaries, and then go Òwell heÕs just sick, itÕs not like he really meant itÓ and then I let down my guard too much. I know there is supposed to be a balance but itÕs hard to really grip it. I want to let him be the way he is, but at the same time have my boundaries but I always seem to get it backwards.
I went to a meeting last night and a woman was there for her second ever meeting, and when they asked her if she wanted to share she just said no because she was hoarse from screaming all night and had said some things she wished she hadnÕt said. Then she burst out crying. I suddenly remembered myself being in that state not too long ago. I remembered the time I had punched out my living room window in a rage (and how shocked I was!). It was as if I had completely forgotten about it until I saw her in that state, and then I remembered it as if it had just happened yesterday. It was so sad to see her suffering, but it also made me realize that IÕve come to a point where I would never get that upset over someone else again, to where I couldnÕt speak from screaming all night. I knew it was because I have been in al-anon.
Anyway, I always seem to post like 50 pages at a time! IÕm sorry for going on and on and on. I still get nervous speaking at meetings and seem to stumble on my words, so I guess when IÕm able to look at what I say before I post it I really take off. IÕm glad this forum is here. Thanks
Cameron
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Cameron
It must be a full moon or something, because I just posted almost this same advice on another post.
There comes a time in our recovery when we have to decide how WE want to live our lives. We look ahead - a year, 5 years, and decide if we still want to be where we are now. Sometimes we do want to stay, because we are now safe and comfortable in our environment, and sometimes we leave...when we are ready.
You have to think about what you want. Do you want to stay on the roller-coaster? Do his good points justify his bad? Is this a person you want in your life? Do we want to drama of living every day with this person? Do we want peace?
Only you can decide. And you can do that only when you are ready.
Keep working your program and when you are ready the answer will come.
It must be a full moon or something, because I just posted almost this same advice on another post.
There comes a time in our recovery when we have to decide how WE want to live our lives. We look ahead - a year, 5 years, and decide if we still want to be where we are now. Sometimes we do want to stay, because we are now safe and comfortable in our environment, and sometimes we leave...when we are ready.
You have to think about what you want. Do you want to stay on the roller-coaster? Do his good points justify his bad? Is this a person you want in your life? Do we want to drama of living every day with this person? Do we want peace?
Only you can decide. And you can do that only when you are ready.
Keep working your program and when you are ready the answer will come.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: mission viejo, ca
Posts: 20
Camron, please read this
Camron, you don't know me, but i know what you're going through. I was with my alcoholic boyfriend for 4 yrs. and we had the same story everytime he went away, we'll always get in fights and then he'll call me off the hook when he's away and then he'll promaise that this time things will be different and so on and so on. Honey..things will never change with them until the day that they will realize that it's not US who make them crazy and cause them to drink, they have a HUGE problem and they need to make the change. i can't tell you what to do, but being there and listening to your story made me realize that we put up with so much crap in the name of love and we convince ourselves that we are helping them, but we are not, we're just wasting our energy and time on something that they only have the power to change. I broke it off with him cold turkey two weeks ago, i changed my phone number and disconnected myself completely from him. I was madly in love with him and i'll love him till i'll die but at the same time the damage that his problem caused me, and i'm sure it has a great affect on you, it's not worth it. I know it's hard and painful, but you have to know that their love for their alcohol/drug or anything else that helps them "not feel the pain of reality" is greater than anything else. You deserve to be loved and be the first pirority in your man's life. I want to recommand you a book called "codependncy, no more" if you still can't decide what to do, read this book, it's like the greatest thing that will help you see things more clearly.
wishing you the best of life
redrose
wishing you the best of life
redrose
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