EmotionalMeg

Hi guys,
I just got back from a meeting, and I actually feel WORSE than before I went - that's never happened before. But, don't worry... The only reason that I feel worse is because It took this meeting to shed light on what has been going on.
I had been sooo proud of myself lately, and well I should be! I have learned how to detach, and have been putting ALL the focus on me... But see, thats just the problem... It is easy to detach when you pretend like HE and IT doesn't exist!! I know that this is necessary for me... I need to focus focus focus on my own recovery...
So, to make the story as short and less drawn out as possible (ya right)... My A binged this weekend and instead of reading and re-reading my steps and practicing all I have learned, I RAN for the hills; I grabbed a GF and threw myself a pity party... lots of booze, and lots of male-bashing... And of course, it wasn't pretty the next day. I felt so ashamed and was very angry at myself ...
And Monday morning rolled around, and I had to face my A in his remorsefull hangover state. He gave me the whole "I hate what I've done... I need help... I am going back to meetings" speech... Yes, I have heard that one a few times... And I sooooo didn't want to hear it. I have wanted to believe him in the past, in fact I STILL keep telling myself "one day he'll get it together"... But this time, instead of listening to him, and encouraging him along, I just didn't know what to say. I wasn't cold and mean, but I was just silent. And in the past couple of days I have said a few things here and there on the matter, but its like I am completely NUMB!!! I feel so desensitized to his feelings lately. He wants to communicate, and I just want to run away...
sooo, tell me I am not crazy...

Meg

constant

I am so sorry, but I have been there with the GF and the pity party thing. Hey we are not perfect and sometimes we make choices that aren't helpful, but the key is to learn from it and move forward. We can't change what we have already done, but we can change the way we react in the future!

As for the NUMBNESS that you are experiencing, I really don't know about it. Although I can say that when my A binges, I really don't want to hear the I am sorry, or I slipped or things are tough etc, etc, so instead I tell him he needs help. Last time he tried to tell me he had the flu, I said ya self inflicted and you should get help and I went about my day.

I know that somebody will come along that can give you more insight on the numb thing, I have talked with friends that have experienced it, but nothing 1st hand.

Stay focused on your recovery, this is just another step!

NoDoubt

Meg,
You're not crazy. I understand that feeling of numbness. It happens to me when I'm finished banging my head against the wall (only figuratively). It also happens when I'm confused. Confusion sets in when I look at my husband and one side of me knows he's been drinking but the other side thinks 'well, maybe the first side is wrong'. I am sooo tired of worrying about his drinking and what type of mood he is in (or is coming home in) and sometimes that makes me numb. I guess I can't explain it but in a way I think that is how I protect myself for a little while. Of course, when the dog and kids are basically begging for attention it's very hard to stay numb.

It's funny, but I think I am going crazy most of the time too!!!

NoDoubt

EmotionalMeg

I am a walking "mood" today... Still feeling numb, and there is lots of anger. I was trying to explain to my A last night how much I HATE this disease - look what I have to deal with, and I am not the addict!!! Grrrr.... It scares me right now, because I worry that my A and I will never get to enjoying each other in our marriage; perhaps we will just always be trying to recover. Part of me still wants to RUN... run far away I guess I am like my mother in some ways after all.
Thanks,
Meg

phab4ever

I totally relate to the numb feeling.My A comes home from work,heads straight for the garage(thats where he keeps mr. beam),and makes himself a drink.I use to complain,now I just ignore it.On a good night he'll only have a couple drinks.Most the time he drinks till he's ready to pass out.He knows he has a real serious problem,but he believes since he can get up every morning and go to work,that he can go on like this.I know,classic functioning A.
When he comes home and starts drinking I kind of go numb to it.He's not violent or verbally abusing.But he does get arrogant or acts real pesimistic.Like the whole world is just out to get him.Any way,I'm sorry I'm rambling on here.Its just comforting to know others understand.

bye for now,
Karen

EmotionalMeg

Hi Karen,
No, you are not alone at all... I still don't know quite how to deal with all of this as my A is "trying" to get sober again... and I am of NO support at all. Sometimes I wish we didn't live together just so I wouldn't have to deal with this every day... but I know the denial thing won't help either.
Who kows... I may walk around in this state of numbness for a while - but at least I am not falling back into my classic codependant / enabling / obsessive behavior... Can I at least be thankful for that?
He called me on the phone today cuz he was feeling low... I was kind, and sweet in my responses, but I FELT like saying "screw you! Where's MY sympathy!!??"
Anyhow, keep posting, and we'll all feel better eventually... thanks for the response,
Take care,
Meg

NoDoubt

My husband calls me frequently during the day to 'see how things are going'. We actually talk more on the phone when he's at work than we talk when he's home. I too am worried that we may never be close again. I have explained my need for connecting more, emotionally. He just doesn't seem to get it. Walking around numb tends to make things easier. I'm not mad or upset or sad (or anything) when I'm numb. But it's not a way to live.
Meg, try and find something that you really enjoy doing. I know it's easy to say. But there has to be a way to enjoy life.
NoDoubt

EmotionalMeg

No Doubt,
I do try to get out of the house, and have fun... I guess I need to give myself credit for the GOOD things I do for myself too... I go to aerobics and Yoga twice a week and have my alanon meeting once a week... once in a while I get out to Bingo with my friends (hey, we live in a small town... not much to do). I wonder if sometimes I choose to live in this state of numbness; perhaps it is denial I don't know. It's all this "stinking thinking" that is gonna get me right back where I started... I know I need to believe in my recovery, because it is not just gonna come to me... I have to work at it too... Man, does THAT suck... Anyway, I am so glad to hear from you guys every day - to let me know I am not alone... I always feel just a little better after coming here.
Thanks,
Meg

JT

Recovery is not a straight line. It has it's ups and downs...I also sometimes think I am beyond emotion. But the truth is that we just are not wearing our hearts on our sleeves any more.

You should be thrilled that all these thoughts and emotions you are having are turned inward...the way they are suppose to be. Your progress is amazing. You are questioning your own reactions instead of "Why oh why did he do this to me?"

We can't help but have hope...at least while we want it to work. If you had no hope you might as well pack your bags. Hope is kinder and gentler than expectations. His slips are bound to hurt, but you vented it far away from him.

You should be proud!

Hugs,
JT

EmotionalMeg

Hi JT,
Gee, can you tell I am watching my posts like a hawk... waiting for replies?! I guess you reach out for help when you really need it - and that is a GOOD thing
I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for your words... I can actually see that even tho I am feeling this way, I KNOW I am still going in the right direction. And I have to have hope... for him, and for me - for US.. otherwise, like you said, there would be no point in staying with it. Thank you again, for opening the blinds a little bit - I had the shades drawn all week
Take care,
Meg

paige n

Meg,

I, too, have felt that numbness. It just gets to the point sometimes where you can't feel anymore. Its almost as if there's so much anger, resentment, sadness, etc, etc that it turns into nothing. I felt that "nothingness" this past Christmas day. It was weird. I think I was just tired of feeling all that stuff.

I moved away from my husband two months ago and for the first time in years I have found some peace in my life. Its not always easy (i've posted a few times with the things I'm wrestling with) but I think that removing myself from the situation, whether it's for a short time or a long time or never again, has really helped me out. You sound like you need to get away. Do you have anyone, family or friend that you could stay with for awhile? Just a thought...I know that may not be the thing for you. You actually sound like you're holding your own pretty good
It's funny because I so wanted to control my A and was always nagging him about going to meetings, etc and of course he never did any of it. Once I moved out and refocused my life I really didn't care so much what he did. I don't mean that to sound cold, I did care but I knew there was nothing I could do for him being halfway across the US. And now he's been an active member of AA, going to meetings every day, meeting with a sponsor that he really likes and he was excited to pick up his 30 day chip today! He used to think that was all B.S.!! All I can say is Let go, Let God and get the heck out of the way!! Stay strong girl.

NoDoubt

Keep those shades open!

I know. I have the same kinds of days/weeks. But yesterday was a good day and so is today. We have plans this weekend and hopefully they go well.

Try and enjoy each other. Make plans to do something together. We're going out for dinner (maybe a movie) it depends on how long my parents can handle my kids on Sat night. The only problem with going out for dinner is drinking. In the past, my husband would drink before we went out and I would have a miserable time at dinner. I guess we'll see what happens this weekend.

I'm looking forward to warmer, nicer weather, but am trying to make some sunshine of my own.

NoDoubt

paddlegirl

I too have been feeling numb about my A bf. I've been doing the crazy dance w/hiim for over a year and now I'm at the stage where I'm just numb to his feelings and his promises really don't mean a thing to me anymore.

He showed up at my house this weekend very intoxicated crying, saying he could "never love" again b/c I have chosen to leave the r/l. I have finally had enough of his empty promises and have decided to move on w/o him. I told him I loved him but couldn't watch him drink his life away. The co-dependant me would of felt so horrorable and would have tried to nurture him back to health. The only difference is that now I know that my love, support and nurturing is not going to cure him of his addiction, only he can do that. I have also felt like running away from him to a place he couldn't reach me and just disapear b/c I don't want to deal w/all the pain and suffering this disease brings. I know it's his disease, but it's changed me in more ways than I ever imagined.

All I really wanted to say is that your feelings are shared.

For me everyday I stay away from him, it get easier although I love him still. I have to do this for myself and give myself a chance to live out my dreams. You should too!!

Sylvia

renae

i read all of your replies and you all seem so strong to me.
I wish that i could feel numb,because then i wouldn't feel like someone was constantly kicking me in the stomach.
how do you break away from being a codependent?

i love him so much, but you are right, i can't fix him!
he seems so cold. like he doesn't at all care what this is doing to me. i am hurting so much!!!!!!!!!

osier59

Renae,

Welcome to the forum! There are some good posts at the top that talk about co-dependency etc. I think they are called "power posts". I also recommend that you find an Al Anon group in your area. Face to face meetings are very helpful .... and you will find people there (like you do here ) who have stories very similar to your own.

Good to have you. Keep coming back!
Osier59

EmotionalMeg

Hi... It wasn't too long ago that I thought all of these "healthy" people in Alanon must be on drugs themselves... I couldn't fathom the thought of Living a peaceful / fulfilling life while I was still living with an active alcoholic. It still sounds absurd!! But it wasn't that I had the steps and the slogans of Alanon laid out in front of me like a list of rules I had to follow - like IF you follow these steps, you will be healed! For me, it was just that I came to a point where I was emotionally exhausted... I was sick and tired of the booze, the lies, the sob-stories... the broken promises, and the list goes on. Someone at one of my first Alanon meeting asked me what I did in my life that was all my own; how was it that I was taking care of myself, and loving myself? And I didn't have an answer... Being codependant for me meant that I lived and breathed for HIM... how sad is that?!! It took a big leap of faith in the beginning, but one day I just woke up and decided enough was enough! I looked at myself in the mirror and made myself believe that I was beautiful and capable of surviving ALL BY MYSELF. I took small steps; I quit smoking (OK, thats a big one), I made a commitment to go to aerobics once a week and yoga once a week - and it's funny because I could never get motivated to exersize, and now I LOVE it! I wrote to my old high school and get them to send me my old transcripts, so that I could get my GR. 12... Basicallly, I made a point of doing ONE healthy thing a week; something that was all my own. I have to admit that it was tough at first, because I almost had to pretend that I did not care at all for my A, just to get the focus back on where it belonged - me. And so far so good... It's been about 1 1/2 months since that morning of my "awakening". And it's done fabulous things for me! I always tell people in similar situations to STOP... stop EVERYTHING you are doing (because it obviously isn't working), and take a day off from your A. If you have to, physically get out of the house for a day or two... and when you are ready, begin again with a new focus - YOU. Don't let your mind convince you to take care of him... don't let yourself "react" to his behaviors... Begin by doing ONE great thing just for you (whatever it is, just make sure it is HEALTHY)... and when you feel the absolute peace and sense of pride that is inevitable by doing this, hold that feeling close and use it to keep going. Every time you feel helpless, lost, angry etc., use this technique - it works wonders for me!!!
Anyhow, you will get there one day... as long as you keep coming back, and are always willing to HELP YOURSELF...
Take care,
Meg

phab4ever

bold RENAE
You just described exactly how I use to feel all the time.I still occassionally feel that I've been kicked in the gut.I found that reading really helped me. Melody Beaty's books are great!!I also subscribe to the forum magazine.Now what I need to do is find a meeting.I went once but never went back.I realise that I need to.
Try reading"Co-dependent No More" and "Beyond Co-dependence".They really do help.I also read "Drinking(A Love Story) by Caroline Knapp.That gave me a better understanding of where the drinker is coming from.
I know books can't replace meetings but I think they give you that boost you need to get to a meeting
I wish you well and God bless.
Karen